A/N: I know it's been a longtime... I'm not gonna give any reasons, sometimes life just gets in the way BIG TIME (my friends know why...). But hey I'm back! And on a very special day: today is the birthday of someone amazingly talented, sassy and funny, the one and only DonnaSpecter on FF. So here's some Mitchell lovin for your birthday. Hugs and kissesxoxo
Third week of rehearsal and she is still forgetting that same goddamn line. She is tired and stressed out. Harvey is sweet and attentive but she feels slightly angry at him. She doesn't even know why.
She should be happy: she is with Harvey and also, she is finally realizing her lifelong dream of having a lead role in a big play and still, something feels wrong. Something is missing and she can't quite put her finger on it. Maybe it is just the change: not working at the firm anymore. Even if she's a goddess she's got to admit that if she had stayed by Harvey's side all these years, it was because her dad's antics had made her insecure. So maybe her insecurities were coming out now. Who knows?
Practicing in the mirror and messing up the same few lines for the twelfth time she decides to call Louis Litt. After all, he's a friend and she's sure his love of the theater would make him jump at the occasion of running lines with her. Not surprisingly, he agrees to meet with her at the firm.
"Donna!" greets her Rachel. "I miss you!" Her friend hugs her. "Harvey left to go home already…" Rachel crosses her arms on her stomach and tilts her head. "About that…" she continues in a low voice. "When Harvey says he's going home to feed the cat…Is it code for something?" Rachel giggles.
Donna starts laughing. "No he really goes home to feed that darn cat. He loves Mitchell. I know it's hard to believe but when I come home from rehearsal he's on the couch, watching Netflix and petting the cat."
"Wow! That's so un-Harvey!" gasps Rachel in surprise. "I was sure that was code for…"
"You really do wanna know, do you? He's good. Really good. I'm exhausted in the best way possible but don't tell him that," Donna tells her friend, winking at her.
She isn't going to tell Rachel they haven't done it in three weeks. She isn't going to tell her friend Harvey's calmness has been annoying her like crazy. She isn't going to tell her she's been too tired from rehearsal she just falls asleep every night on the couch. That would make her sound…OLD.
Donna Paulsen doesn't age so all of this isn't making sense anyway. It's just a phase.
She leaves her friend and goes to Louis's office, expecting him to be there waiting. He isn't.
He must have had an urgent meeting somewhere, right? She sits, and waits.
She sees it. His handwriting on a white envelope. After more than twelve years you bet she could recognize his handwriting anywhere. She tries to resist… but Louis still isn't there after a few minutes so she takes it, it's opened anyway,
It's a check.
She inhales deeply. She should be happy: it's a nice gesture. He loves her. He wants to make her life easier…
But she's angry.
Why does he have to give money to Louis for her? Doesn't he trust her and her abilities? Why does he always have to smooth everything out for her, like she isn't capable of doing it herself?
It's bubbling inside her, she doesn't exactly know why…conflicting feelings. He still doesn't get it: she needs him to tell her he loves her and supports her, not PAY FOR HER AND MAKE EVERYTHING EASIER.
She feels like he doesn't have faith in her ability to succeed.
She puts the check back in the envelope, goes back home, packs her bags and leaves before he gets back home from boxing.
"This isn't working. Need time to think"- she wrote on a post-it.
It's been more than a week, maybe two, who knows? He's been angry then he's been drunk, and he misses her like crazy.
He needs to hug her, touch her, make love to her, and tell her he can't live without her.
She's at Rachel's. He knows she is. Rachel is bad a lying. He called repeatedly, asking to talk to her. "She needs time…" Rachel ends up saying. "Give her space, Harvey."
He's too old to drink like he does, the Scotch burns his throat and makes him nauseous and there is that stupid cat, who sits in the bathroom, while he's on his knees on the cold floor. Looking at him, patiently waiting for god knows what…
"What the hell do you want?" he yells at the cat.
The animal is licking his paws, his gaze still glued on Harvey.
Harvey feels strangely humiliated, his hands holding the toilet seat. He feels like Mitchell-the-cat is…judging him. 'How the hell did I end up with such a messed up human?' the cat must think. Harvey shakes his head. He's going crazy, he definitely is. He closes the toilet seat, rests his forehead on the cold plastic and starts crying.
All the times in his life when he thought something hurt, he had no idea, how much THIS would hurt more.
Still, he doesn't regret it.
He feared it, all his life. He avoided it so many years…and strangely, it hurts but he feels warm inside when he thinks about her laugh and their mornings in bed. He remembers that thing he read back when he was in school. He always thought the guy who wrote it must have been a douche:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
…he gets it now. At least he was happy for a little while.
Mitchell tickles Harvey's arm and his little motor starts running. "Thanks for being there, buddy," Harvey whispers.
Harvey sits, his back against the wall and the cat climbs on him. He hugs Mitchell and the cat pushes his head against Harvey's chin, like he's saying 'we're gonna be okay.'
He realizes he's petting the cat without feeling uncomfortable. He doesn't fail at loving or hugging living things like he always thought he did before. He's come a long way…
"We're gonna get her back. And I'm gonna call my therapist."
It's been a while since he's been there.
"You seem…different." Paula Agard says as she is sitting down in front of him.
He's there on his own accord, he doesn't feel like running away. He isn't trying to get pills he just needs to talk.
"Donna and I, we were together." He says it in one breath, surprising himself.
The therapist smiles. "But you are talking using the past tense…I imagine that's why you are here today."
He nods and she doesn't talk. He figures he has to do the talking.
"I got a cat. Well…WE got a cat."
She writes something in her notepad.
He smiles. "Are you writing I'm capable of taking care of living things? Because I am. Thing is, everything is better with Donna. But she left."
"Start at the beginning. You two were living together?" Paula doesn't look surprised, more intrigued than anything.
He explains everything. How they went on a date and he wanted more. How they got a cat and caring about the darn animal changed something in him. How amazing his life with Donna was and how he felt happy and at peace… How she got this role and then everything changed.
And as he explains, it hit him. He stops talking.
"I think you get it," Paula says.
"But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met…why am I still acting like such a jerk?" The question isn't directed at Paula, more at himself.
"You still have bruises from what happened to your family, but you are conscious of it now, Harvey. You don't want her to fail or suffer but life isn't perfect and you paying for her happiness might come as…"
"…me not trusting her."
"She won't talk to me…" he says after a moment. "How can I get her back?"
"I find it weird that she left without even a word, are you telling me everything Harvey?"
"I am!" he snaps, offended.
"If you really are telling me the whole truth, just give her time. It always seemed to me like she was such a reasonable woman…" Paula's voice trails off realizing she said too much: a therapist shouldn't make assumptions.
"One thing for sure, don't fall into despair Harvey. You've made so much progress, Donna or not it's all worth it…"
"Are we gonna see Aunt Donna ever again?" asks his niece.
Harvey lifts his head to see Emily staring at him, smiling. He was staring at his plate, barely touching the pot roast even though it looked delicious. He had thought he'd be okay with spending Saturday night with Marcus and his family. But he misses her, so much.
"I don't know sweetie. She's really busy."
"Can't we see her play?" adds Josh. "Closing night is soon isn't it?" His nephew just reminded him that the play will probably end without Harvey ever seeing it. He could sneak in. He really want to see her but if she doesn't want to see him there he doesn't want to ruin her night. He loves her that much.
"I don't know Josh…" He's drinking water, he doesn't want his cat to stare at him while he vomits again. That fucking cat. He sees Jenny and Marcus exchanging an alarmed glance.
Jenny picks up the plates off the table and says "Kids, go play outside. We're gonna call you for cake later." The kids don't have to be told twice and they both run outside.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Marcus asks.
Harvey shifts in his seat. He doesn't really want to talk about it but he figures he should. That's what people do. Talk about their feelings. Maybe Marcus can help him understand why she still doesn't want to talk. Donna always wanted to talk, and now she doesn't.
"I don't know… I thought she would have had enough time to think by now. I even called her friend Rachel yesterday, again, and Rachel…she said they fought and she left! Rachel said Donna acted…irrational."
"Irrational?" Marcus crosses his arms.
"She is still mad at me and now she's mad at Rachel, and Rachel doesn't quite get it."
"Whoa. That doesn't sound like Donna…I really thought you two would make it. Sorry bro, not helping but…" Marcus paused. "I'm just stunned."
"Believe me, I'm in shock too…" says Harvey. "We were…" He stops. He never said it aloud. Not even to Paula but it has been eating him off inside, he feels like he needs to tell someone. He needs to tell someone he almost had everything and lost it all.
"Marcus we were trying for…" He bites his lips and shakes his head. "A baby."
"No. Fucking way. Harvey!" Marcus's mouth hangs opened, speechless.
"And…she just left? It was that serious and she left?" Marcus adds after a few minutes. "I know what you did was a dickhead move but it isn't like she doesn't know you. She knows how you are. I'm…Fuck! Harvey. I'm so sorry."
"You two are idiots." Jenny says as she is standing between the kitchen and dining room, drying a plate with a towel.
"Marcus," she says as she deposits the blue provencal plate on the table and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Do you remember what happened to the other plates in this collection?"
Marcus laughs and grabs the hand of the woman standing behind him. "You crazy woman threw them all over my head and broke them off while yelling at me for god knows what reason. Years later I still don't understand."
"…and then we found out I was pregnant with Josh."
"OH SHIT." Marcus gasps as he looks at Harvey.