The Goodbye that Wasn't And the Hope That Was

Fandom: Dracula

Pairing: Lucy/Mina

Summary: Lucy wants to say goodbye but Mina isn't having it. This story takes place after the finale and may stray from canon from time to time.

DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to other people and not me. Written solely for entertainment with no intent to profit.

NOTE: I recently rediscovered my love for this tragic couple and am surprised and sad that there remains so few stories out there when there was so much material to work with, so I decided to try my hand at it. It's been a very long time since I've seen the episodes, so there may be some things out of order, or just plain wrong so please forgive any errors. Also this is a blend of two separate stories I had started. I've read and re-read to check for continuity errors and think I got them all but please let me know if something is off and I will be happy to fix it.

Unbeta'd, all grammar errors are mine and I apologize.

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"It's rather amusing, now that I think about it," Lucy Westenra said drily as she looked out of her bedroom window.

Mina Murray entered the bedroom she'd been in so many times before and sat on the bed, carefully studying the woman who had meant everything to her.

"What?" she asked quietly. Fear for the other woman's health and sanity blended with a deep sadness for everything they had lost and Mina desperately wanted to get it back, but Lucy had changed. She was colder and angrier and Mina didn't know how to deal with it.

"I was just thinking that you know what I am. You know that I kill people in order to survive. You know that I…that I killed my own mother…" she paused trying not to relive that horrible moment again. "I'm a vampire and yet you sit there unafraid and not disgusted."

"Oh Lucy of course I'm not disgusted," Mina said urgently. "What happened to you….what Alexander did to you, it wasn't your fault and what you've done…you couldn't help it. You weren't strong enough."

Lucy offered a laugh so bitter it sent chills up Mina's spine.

"And that, my darling Mina, is what's so funny. The fact that I'm a walking dead woman, the fact that I sink my teeth into human flesh and drink their blood, sometimes killing them in the process doesn't disgust you, yet I tell you I'm in love with you and you look at me as if I just crawled up from the sewers. Apparently my dead heart is much more acceptable than the live one that beat only for you."

Mina's eyes slid closed as she remembered how she'd responded to Lucy's innocent declaration of love and guilt and shame ate at her.

"Lucy you must understand I was just shocked. I didn't mean it," she pleaded.

"Oh yes dear, you did. The initial reaction to anything is always the most honest," Lucy replied, more serious than Mina had ever heard her. "One doesn't have time to decide how to lie. You slapped me and then accused me of pretending to be your friend simply out of some perverse desire to bed you. That is the first thing that sprung to your mind. How can I doubt that is how you truly feel."

"I never said that," Mina argued.

"You didn't have to," Lucy explained dully.

"And so you slept with Johnathan to spite me," Mina said defensively, hoping to alleviate at least part of her guilt for breaking such a gentle heart.

"Yes," Lucy practically hissed. "You had it all Mina. You had your education and a job that you love. One that has challenged you in so many ways but yet you've always succeeded. You had three people desperately in love with you and a friend who listened to every problem you ever had and encouraged you in everything you did, while her own heart was breaking and just because she loved you, you shunned her. If anyone was lying about our friendship Mina it was you. You claimed you would always love me no matter what yet turned on me as soon as you discovered I didn't live up to what you expected me to be. So yes. I wanted you to feel the pain I was feeling even as I wanted you to see that Johnathan wasn't the pinnacle of perfection you believed him to be."

Mina was appalled by what was happening. She'd never heard such venom in Lucy's voice, especially directed at her and it was ripping her heart out. How had a simple attempt at reconciliation and comfort gone so horribly wrong?

"You truly do hate me," she whispered, despair and resignation wilting her spirit.

"Oh Mina, how I wish I could, but I don't," Lucy said with an aching sadness. "I shall be in love with you until I die and given how long vampires can live, well it's no less than I deserve right?"

"I don't understand," Mina said with confusion.

"I deserved to be punished."

Mina gaped, taken aback by the listlessness in Lucy's voice. "What?"

"You know Grayson did this to me and you still don't know why?" Lucy shook her head.

"No I don't. All Johnathan told me was that he worked with a society that hunted vampires and that Alexander was one of them. I didn't believe him at first but then he told me that Grayson had gone after you and when I heard about your mother, I knew he wasn't lying. He said Grayson hated you for taking my attention from him and wanted you to out of the way."

"I'm sure he did, but that's not why," Lucy replied blandly, forcing herself not to relive the moment her life ended.

In a flash Mina remembered the moment after she'd sent Lucy from her hospital room after learning of her betrayal, she remembered weeping in Alexander's arms as she told him everything. Oh please God no, she thought desperately.

"Yes, Grayson wanted me to pay dearly for what I did for you," Lucy said too casually as if she'd read Mina's mind. "Right before he…did this to me, he quite happily informed me that that you had told him what I did. He knew I had forced my affections on you and then broke your heart by sleeping with Harker. He said that he was going to make sure I regretted what I did for an eternity."

"Oh dear God," Mina whispered. Part of her wanted to shout that everything Lucy was saying was madness. There were no such things as vampires and the man who'd done so much for her was certainly not one, because to admit he was, would be to admit that Mina had killed Lucy as sure as if she'd stabbed her herself.

There was a terrible look on Lucy's face. Almost an amused expectation of Mina coming to the defense of Mr. Grayson and then she knew. In her heart Mina knew that it was true and she came very close to being ill right there on Lucy's bed.

"Lucy," she whispered, tears stinging her eyes and horror filling her heart. "Oh Lucy what have I done?"

To her dismay, Lucy's expression softened to one of kindness and love and instantly she was kneeling on the floor before Mina.

"Mina, please don't cry. You know I can't bear it when you cry," Lucy whispered, her hands going to Mina's face, thumbs gently wiping away the tears that had fallen.

"How can you bear to touch me?" Mina cried.

"Because I love you," Lucy said as simply as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Mina pulled away, unable to meet Lucy's eyes, eyes that were so much more expressive and intense than they used to be.

"I wasn't disgusted," she whispered.

"What?" Lucy sat back on her heels, waiting until Mina finally looked at her.

"I don't know what you saw on my face that night, but I wasn't disgusted by your feelings for me. If you believe nothing else I say Lucy, you have to believe that," she pleaded.

Lucy looked away, unable to look into the sad tear filled eyes. "Really. You insinuated that the only reason I was friends with you was for…for inappropriate reasons. You trivialized everything I ever did for you as having some perverted ulterior motive, how can I not see that as disgust?"

The broken vulnerability on Lucy's sweet face had Mina weeping again.

"Lucy, I know what I said and I wish more than anything that I could take it back, but I know you weren't just pretending to be my friend. I know that. You have been my rock Lucy. You've believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. You have always...always stood by me and listened patiently while I ranted about school or Johnathan and even my inappropriate dreams about Alexander and you have never asked for anything in return." Mina's heart twisted painfully as the full reality of what Lucy must have been feeling each time Mina cried in her arms or talked about the various men in her life. What she had to be suffering as she planned Mina's engagement party all the while forced to wear a smile.

"You tried to tell me," she continued sniffling as she remembered that day in the library. Lucy had been so close to tears and Mina hadn't seen the true magnitude of her heartbreak. "You were right Lucy. I am stupid and so incredibly self-absorbed. I should have seen how you were hurting. I should have…"

"Mina, stop," Lucy chided softly. "I'm not going to say it's alright because it isn't. You hurt me more than I ever thought possible and I hurt you in return, but I understand that you simply never knew these kinds of feelings existed. How could you have known? I didn't even know. I thought I was alone, that I was some horrible abomination until…"

"Until what?"

"Until Lady Jayne Wetherby," Lucy admitted reluctantly.

"Lady Jayne? What does that horrible woman have to do with anything?"

Lucy couldn't help but smile at Mina's usual bluntness, but then her smile faded. "The night of your party, she saw me and she knew. She knew how desperately in love with you I was."

That revelation stung. "A woman you barely know could tell how you felt but I, who've known you most of your life, had no idea," Mina scoffed bitterly.

"Maybe that's why," Lucy shrugged. "Jayne didn't know me so it was easy for her to notice but Mina, there has never been a day that I haven't loved you, so how would you have recognized it?"

Mina fought tears again at the simply spoken words of love, but the mention of the Lady Wetherby had set her teeth on edge.

"What did Jayne say to you?" Mina asked suspiciously.

"She invited me to tea and we talked. She told me there were others like me and…"Lucy turned away, shame at her own stupidity lodging in her throat.

"And?" Mina prodded gently.

"And she told me that she believed you felt the same," Lucy whispered. "She told me she had seen us together and that she had no doubt my feelings were reciprocated and that I should tell you how I felt."

"She…" Mina couldn't even finish. She had no idea what to make of that. Immediately she felt rage that the brazen blonde woman would try to manipulate Lucy's innocent heart with such lies, but then a persistent whisper at the back of her mind had her wondering if perhaps there had been something for Jayne to see.

"Clearly she was mistaken," Lucy went on, unaware of Mina's sudden confusion. "That night when you sent me away, I had nowhere to go. My heart was broken and had no one to talk to."

Mina cringed and took Lucy's hand, trying not to notice how the once warm soft skin was now alarmingly cold. "Lucy I'm so sorry,".

Lucy stared at their joined hands. "I went back to Jayne. She was the only one who would understand. I believed I was a aberration, destined to be unloved and Jayne showed me that I was wrong. That maybe I am loveable."

"How…how exactly did she do that?"

Lucy's lips lifted in a smile far more worldly than any Mina had ever seen.

"How do you think Mina?"

So many images raced through Mina's mind of Lucy kissing Jayne the way she'd kissed Johnathan, of Lucy touching Jayne, of Jayne touching Lucy and a red hot fury swept through her at the thought of that woman touching what was hers. What had always been hers.

"Is that so?" she finally managed to choke out.

Lucy saw the anger on Mina's face and recognized it for jealousy. Just a week earlier, she would have been filled with joy and hope at the sight, but now she just felt empty and slightly vindictive.

"It was everything I dreamed of," she smirked, wanting Mina to know that she may not have wanted her but someone had and she wanted Mina to know how much she had enjoyed it. "It was all softness and slow seduction," she continued somewhat dreamily, for a moment losing herself in the memory of that one ardent night and Jayne's kisses. "She was oh so gentle but very passionate and not a trace of scratchy stubble or aggressive, groping hands. Her body was…"

Mina's head nearly exploded. "Okay I get it," she interrupted angrily, unwilling to hear any more about the encounter with Lady Jayne Wetherby. It had nothing at all to do with being repulsed by Lucy's description of being loved by a woman and everything to do with the fact that Lucy's first experience had been with a virtual stranger, a woman who had a reputation for discarding lovers like old newspapers. Lucy's heart was too gentle to be used in such a fashion. She deserved someone who would appreciate just how much love she had to give. She deserved someone who would treasure her, who loved her. She deserved…Mina.

Lucy saw the stunned expression on Mina's face and smirked in a bitter triumph, assuming Mina had been repulsed by her detailed descriptions. It was only fair, Lucy thought defensively, considering how many times she'd had to listen to Mina talk about her night with Harker or her erotic dreams of Grayson.

"Too much?"" she drawled sarcastically.

Mina knew what Lucy was doing. She was expecting Mina to react the same way she had when Lucy admitted her love and Mina wasn't about to repeat that mistake.

"She doesn't deserve you," Mina said softly and to her dismay, that seemed to distress Lucy more than if she had rejected her and her heart broke when Lucy burst into tears.

"Oh Lucy," Mina sighed and pulled her into her arms, relieved when the wary young woman didn't resist.

"I ruined everything," Lucy sniffed. "I should never have told you how I feel. You would have been happy and I wouldn't be this….thing and I would still have you."

Mina's throat tightened and tears stung her eyes at just how badly she'd hurt a woman who's only mistake was to love her.

"But you wouldn't have been happy," Mina whispered, her fingers mindlessly stroking through soft blonde hair.

"I've loved you alone for years Mina, it would have been no different."

It was another stab to Mina's heart knowing that Lucy had been suffering for so long and she had never noticed. Pulling back, Mina tipped Lucy's face up to hers and she stroked the beautiful tear soaked face, again shocked by the iciness of the skin that had once been so warm and reminded of what Lucy had become, because of her.

"I was so blind," she whispered. "I was so caught up in my own concerns I failed to see how much pain you were carrying. I will never forgive myself for that and now my selfishness killed you, oh Lucy I can't live with what I did to you," she cried.

Lucy sighed and got to her feet. Suddenly feeling very tired of everything, she went to stare back out of the window.

"Mina, the reason I wanted to see you tonight was because….because I wanted to tell you goodbye and I had to do it face to face."

"Good…goodbye?" Mina stammered, her blood running cold. "What do you mean goodbye? Please tell me you aren't leaving," she begged.

Lucy smiled and Mina's gut twisted, suddenly suspecting what Lucy meant.

"I'm not leaving," Lucy confirmed tonelessly. "Come morning I will experience the sunlight one last time."

The entire world seemed to freeze and Mina finally understood everything she'd been too blind to see.

"The hell you will," Mina shouted. She was across the room and grabbing Lucy's arms desperately before the blonde knew what happened.

"Why Mina, such language," Lucy teased.

"Stop it," Mina ordered angrily. "I am not going to let you kill yourself Lucy Westenra."

Lucy snorted. "I'm already dead darling."

Mina swallowed the bile that rose at the knowledge that technically she was right. "No, you're not. At least not completely and I can help you with that," she said frantically.

Lucy shook her head. "You are extraordinarily brilliant Mina but even you can't cure what I am and I simply cannot tolerate one more day of this existence and I certainly can't bear seeing that look of pity on your face."

"It's not pity Lucy, it's…"

"You have no idea what it's like Mina," Lucy interrupted, unwilling to hear yet another false deflection and determined that Mina see exactly what she was.

"I can't stomach the idea of killing more innocent people," she continued, "so I roam the streets feeding off the vile miscreants I find, most of whom haven't seen a bath in years. Can you imagine what I feel when I have to place my mouth on their filthy skin, tasting their stench just so I can drink their drug tainted blood? Can you imagine what it's like, knowing I will have to relive what I did to my mother over and over for hundreds of years? That every night I'll have to hear her screams and see the terror on her face?" Lucy choked back a sob and looked forlornly out of her window. "Can you even imagine a life where you are no longer allowed to embrace a beautiful summer day?"

"Lucy I…"

"Can you begin to comprehend the idea of spending an eternity all alone?" Lucy finished so quietly that Mina almost missed it.

"You aren't alone Lucy," Mina insisted. "You'll never be alone as long as I exist."

"Oh Mina," Lucy turned back to the brunette, a sad smile on her face. "I truly do appreciate your trying, but we both know that's not true. You have your education then once you become a doctor you'll have your work. You'll eventually marry. If not Harker or Grayson than some other underserving bastard and then have children. You won't have time for me."

"Lucy please, I will always have time for you. Always. And I can help you. I'll find a cure."

"I don't want a cure, don't you understand that?" Lucy cried, turning to look at the frightened Mina.

"I'm so very tired Mina," she pleaded.

Mina heard the resignation in Lucy's voice and knew that if she didn't do something, Lucy would be dead in the morning and that was something she would not let happen.

"Do you really think I can live in a world without you in it?" Mina asked heatedly. "I love you Lucy. I've always loved you."

To Mina's surprise, her declaration drew a look of hurt and betrayal on Lucy's face.

"Can you really be so cruel?" Lucy whispered, horrified.

"I'm not being cruel Lucy. I love you. The way you love me."

"I don't need or want your pity Mina," Lucy protested, trying to walk away but Mina reached out and took her hand.

"It's not pity damnit," she swore in frustration. "I know you don't believe me but it's true. When you said you wanted to…to destroy yourself, it all became so painfully clear. I finally understood why nobody has ever made me happy the way you do. I understood why every time you held me or teased me with your flirtatious banter I had a wild flutter in my stomach that no man has ever put there. I understood why every time I saw you in your finest evening gowns or even your nightgown…especially your nightgowns," she added under her breath, "my knees went weak and my heart pounded so hard in my chest I feared I would collapse. I understood why the thought of Jayne Wetherby kissing and touching you enraged me so," she paused and wiped angrily at her tears before stepping so close to Lucy they were almost touching. "And I understood why the thought of you not being in the world anymore is excruciating. I love you Lucy Westenra. I'm in love with you and I always have been, I just…well as you said, I can be incredibly stupid about some things."

"Mina, you don't…you're just confused," Lucy replied, terrified of letting her guard down again.

Mina couldn't stand the fear in Lucy's eyes, knowing it was her fault it was there. She cupped Lucy's face in her hands. "The only thing I'm confused about is how I could have been so oblivious to my own feelings for so long. You are the best person I've ever known Lucy. You try to appear selfish and shallow, but you have such an amazing heart and you're so very beautiful. You have so much love to give and I know I made the unforgivable mistake of throwing it away once before, but I was…I didn't understand Lucy but I do now. Please don't…do what you're thinking of doing. Please."

"Mina…"

Fearing the blonde was going to turn her away, Mina quickly leaned forward and covered Lucy's lips with hers. Just like that, with one simple brush of lips, fire licked through her along with a sense of completion as if she was finally where she was supposed to be and doing what she was meant to be doing. And as she deepened the kiss, she finally knew what desire was.

Lucy whimpered, joy and despair warring inside of her. She should pull away from Mina and send her away before she hurt her or worse, but dear God, this was what she'd been dreaming of for so long. It wasn't just the kiss which threatened what remained of her sanity, but the words. "I love you Lucy". Even as she slid her hands around Mina and returned her kiss, she felt a tear trail down her cheek and then to her horror, another need, a familiar need filled her.

"Ouch!" Mina jumped back and put a hand over her mouth.

"Oh God," Lucy cried in despair, her hand covering her mouth and felt the twin signs of the monster she'd become. "I'm sorry Mina, I'm so sorry, she said, despair turning into self-loathing and she spun around to run from the bedroom.

"Don't you dare leave this room!" Mina ordered firmly, chasing after the frustrating woman.

"Mina, you need to leave," Lucy begged, keeping her head turned from Mina, not wanting to see what she was.

"Lucy, look at me."

Lucy shook her head sadly.

Mina huffed in frustration and she stepped around the blonde and again, forced her face up to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lucy choked out, falling to her knees and Mina falling with her.

"Don't," Mina ordered softly. Unable to help herself, Mina lifted her thumb to the fangs that on anyone else would be terrifying, but on Lucy, they were…intriguing and had her wondering all sorts of inappropriate things.

"What are you doing?" Lucy said carefully, not wanting to scrape Mina's inquisitive thumb.

"We are going to have to have a talk about these later," Mina said distractedly.

Lucy swallowed as she watched Mina. If she didn't know better, she would swear she saw desire in the beautiful dark eyes. Then she noticed the hint of blood on Mina's lip where she'd lost control and nicked her lip and she wanted to throw up.

"No Mina we aren't. I already told you…."

"Don't you say it," Mina demanded. "You are not dying tomorrow or any other day, do you hear me?" When Lucy stayed silent, Mina grabbed Lucy's shoulders and shook her gently.

"Do you hear me?" she repeated intently, knowing that if Lucy truly intended to end her existence, there would be no way Mina could stop her.

"Lucy, please. The only thing that bothers me about your being a vampire is the fact that this happened to you because of me. I don't now, nor have I ever seen you as a monster. These," she gestured at Lucy's lips, somewhat disappointed the fangs had receded, "Your fangs mean that even if you are changed, you are still here. With me. I can never hate or fear anything that allows that," she said honestly. "We can work through this together Lucy. I will care for you and protect you in the daylight and I will help you with what you need in the night. I will find a way for you to walk in the sun again. Just please give me a chance."

"Oh Mina, I do love you so," Lucy said with a sad smile that did nothing to convince Mina her pleas had been heard.

"Lucy, I need you. You are everything to me, don't you understand that? No, I'm sure you don't. I've made so many mistakes with you but please, give me the chance to be there for you the way you've always been there for me. Please give me the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved."

Lucy finally met Mina's tear filled eyes and as always she was unable to resist. "You really love me?" She asked tentatively. "The way I love you?" she had to make sure that she wasn't misunderstanding things again.

"Oh yes Lucy," Mina offered a watery smile as she trailed her fingers down a soft cold cheek. "I want to be with you always. I want to hold you, kiss you and…and touch you," she blushed at that, drawing a chuckle from Lucy which she ignored. Instead she called upon all the courage she'd ever learned from this beloved woman and leaned forward "And I want you," she said, her voice dropping seductively, "to hold me," she paused to place a lingering kiss on Lucy's chin, "to kiss me," she placed another kiss at the corner of trembling lips, "and touch me", she whispered hotly in Lucy's ear.

"Mina," Lucy whimpered.

"Will you stay with me Lucy?" Mina pushed, swallowing hard at the intensely exciting flash of red in Lucy's eyes.

"I…"

"Will you?" Mina repeated, slowly, her eyes fixed on Lucy's lips, kind of wanting to see those fangs again.

"God Mina, why can I never say no to you," Lucy groaned, desire flaring inside of her even as she fought the demon.

"Because you love me," Mina replied, tears of relief stinging her eyes. "Oh Lucy, promise that you will never mention ending your life again. Please."

"I can't promise that Mina," she said honestly. "The day I hurt you will be the day I end my life,"

"I know you will never hurt me intentionally," Mina assured her.

"No, but it won't matter. Still, I will promise that on any other occasion I feel like giving up, I will come to you."

Mina sighed knowing that was as good as she was going to get. "Alright Lucy. I'll accept that for now. Now, would you please kiss me?"

Lucy blinked in surprise at the sudden change of subject, but it was Mina after all. Heaving a sigh of reluctant resignation, she moved closer to Mina. "If I must."

Mina rolled her eyes and then Lucy's lips were once more on hers. This time the kiss was slow and deep. It was expression of love, relief and finally an optimistic joy. Lucy was trembling from the effort it took to suppress her instincts which she managed until Mina's tongue flicked against her lips and an almost desperate growl escaped her.

"Mina," she moaned and pulled back, once more ashamed of her animalistic nature.

"It's alright Lucy," Mina panted. "I liked it."

"Oh God," Lucy half laughed, half groaned but then she felt something else. Something familiar and unwelcome and she frowned.

Mina's smile faded as she saw a dark look enter Lucy's eyes. "What is it?"

"I need to…"Lucy paused, shame preventing her for admitting what she needed.

"Feed?" Mina guessed.

Lucy nodded and Mina got to her feet and then helped Lucy to hers. "Go Lucy. I'll be here when you get back."

"Really?"

Mina placed a hand on Lucy's cheek. "Yes, really. Just please be careful and hurry back. It's only a few hours before dawn and I want to spend more time with you before you have to sleep."

"I don't know what to say," Lucy said lamely.

"Why I do believe that's a first," Mina teased.

"Cheeky," Lucy retorted and then, afraid this was all some dream and when she returned Mina would be gone, Lucy pulled Mina into her arms and kissed her once more.

"Go," Mina said gently. "I swear, I'll be here when you return."

Lucy nodded and then left the bedroom before she changed her mind, for the first time in months feeling something very close to hope and happiness.

END.