38"Ferre, it's been three days… Don't you think it's time you went in and talked to him?" Courfeyrac eyed his boyfriend critically, leaning against the post of the kitchen door. He crossed his arms when Combeferre didn't respond and sighed. "I get that this is difficult, I do… And I understand that you need time to get over what he did to you… But-… But 'Ferre, there's only so much I can do to convince him you don't hate him. I start to sound like a broken record by now."
"I don't hate him," Combeferre said, not looking up from the magazine he pretended to read. He too sounded like a broken record, because he'd said those exact words a dozen times by now. And Combeferre knew that his friends were annoyed with him. He knew that they thought it ridiculous that he still hadn't gone in to see Enjolras. But it was too hard. It was too soon.
"I know that," Courfeyrac said quietly, walking up to the kitchen table. He sat down in front of his boyfriend and took the magazine away from him. "I know you love him and I know you still think of him as your best friend. I know you're scared shitless and I know you're beating yourself up over not noticing anything was wrong. I know 'Ferre. And yet you still haven't gone in there to see him…" He sighed and reached out to take the man's hand. "Why haven't you?"
Combeferre pulled his hand out of Courfeyrac's grasp and crossed his arms over his chest as he sat back. "I can't…," he answered softly and it was a stupid reply, he knew that.
"Why not?" Courfeyrac pressed, doing his best to keep his voice leveled. He didn't want to be upset with his boyfriend. He understood why Combeferre was mad, why he felt betrayed. But at the same time, they had a best friend who desperately needed their help. Both of their help. Without Combeferre's support, Courfeyrac wasn't sure Enjolras even had the will to be fixed. "You went in there when he was delirious, didn't you? You hummed him back to sleep, for God's sake."
"That was different," Combeferre replied softly.
"In what sense was that different? Because he was too out of it to notice it was you? Because there was a big chance he wouldn't remember? Well, news flash, 'Ferre, he remembers, okay? He remembers and it hurts like hell that you'd come when he's unconscious but not when he's awake. What kind of message do you think that sends him?"
Combeferre narrowed his eyes at Courfeyrac. "Well, don't you think what he did hurt like hell as well? I'm risking a permanent removal from my intership, Courf. Plus, this goes on my record… It's illegal."
"Of course it hurt, and what he did was horrible and wrong and you have every right to be angry with him for that…" Courfeyrac said kindly. "But what are you trying to say here, that you won't visit him as some kind of payback? Come on, 'Ferre, that's not you."
Combeferre sighed and pulled a hand over his face. He was tired. Ever since he first learned about the news, he had a hard time sleeping. He was terribly confused, feeling guilty, scared and angry as well. And none of his emotions felt justified. When he felt angry, he felt guilty for being angry in the first place, because if he'd just paid better attention, then Enjolras might have never copied his signature. When he felt guilty, he got angry, because why on earth should he feel guilty for the stupid mistakes Enjolras made? And when he felt scared, it confused him even more. Because what did this all mean? What had happened for someone like Enjolras to choose a path like this? He looked at his boyfriend, feeling the tears well in his eyes.
"I'm afraid to see him," Combeferre admitted finally.
Courfeyrac stood from his seat opposite of his boyfriend and instead sat down next to him. He draped an arm over Combeferre's shoulders and pressed a sweet kiss against his temple. "Why are you afraid to see him?" he asked softly, after a moment of comfort.
"Because… B-Because my emotions are all over the place and I'm afraid that me being there will only make him worse. What if I yell at him? Or say something I don't mean? What if I push him even further away?" Combeferre rubbed at his eyes, biting his lip in a futile attempt to stop it from trembling. "He c-came to us, Courf… He came and we p-pushed him a-aside. J-Just like that…. A-And I feel so terribly guilty f-for that, b-but at the same time I'm so a-angry… And I'm scared I'll only make things w-worse if I go in. He doesn't anymore crap on top of the guilt he's already feeling…"
It made sense. Courfeyrac couldn't say taht he didn't share those exacts feelings. He too was scared and felt guilty. The difference was, that he didn't hold that anger that Combeferre had and because of that, he'd been able tob e there for Enjolras the moment he'd agreed to do the detox. He understood how it served as an obstacle for his boyfriend. However, he knew for a fact that Combeferre wouldn't make things worse. On the contrary.
"I understand," Courfeyrac answered after a moment. He sighed softly, rubbing Combeferre's shoulder. "But you're wrong, you know. You won't make things worse and you won't say things you don't mean. You won't, 'Ferre. Because you are you and you're a good person. You are incredibly kind and understanding and patient and just. I understand you're afraid of getting angry and pushing him away, but trust me when I say that you won't."
Combeferre just shrugged, clearly not convinced.
"Look… At this point all Enjolras needs is a shitload of comfort and support. He doesn't need heavy conversations and he doesn't need guilt-trips. Not from us and not for himself either. All he basically wants is someone he can curl up against and watch stupid TV shows with. So if it is the talks you're afraid of, or the reasons for why he did what he did, you can stop. He's too weak and too sick for that right now. And once you'll see him, I'm sure you won't feel like acting on any anger you might feel."
"If he just needs someone to comfort him, why do you insist of me going in there? You're much better at the comforting stuff than I am," Combeferre replied stubbornly.
Courfeyrac chuckled softly and shook his head. "Maybe I am in many situations, but not with Enjolras, 'Ferre. The two of us are close as brothers, but he shares something deeper with you. You've seen him at his weakest and you were able to pull him out. It's no coincidence you were the only one who could calm him down when he was that delirious…" He brushed a strand of hair behind Combeferre's ear. "Besides… Enjolras can't really find any comfort with anyone as long as he believes his best friend hates him."
"I don't hate him!" Combeferre snapped suddenly, cursing the tears that spilled over his cheeks.
But Courfeyrac wasn't swayed by his boyfriend's outburst. "Then tell him that. Better yet, show him. Me and R and the others can say it as much as we want, but there's only one person he's going to believe it from. 'Ferre, you and I both know you want to go in there. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be…"
In Enjolras' tiny kitchen, the clock slowly ticked away another minute. The couple sat in a comfortable silence for a while. Courfeyrac had said what he wanted to say and he didn't want to push his boyfriend more than that. In the end, Combeferre had to go see Enjolras because he wanted to, not because he felt forced. And righ now, his boyfriend was in deep thought. Probably considering all the pros and cons and Courfeyrac didn't want to disturb him.
"Who's with him now?" Combeferre finally asked in a quiet voice.
"Grantaire is," Courfeyrac answered, squeezing Combeferre's hand. "And despite the fact that he's practically glued to Enjolras' side, he's more than happy to give you his spot so you and E can have some privacy."
Combeferre nodded ever so slightly, keeping his eyes focused on the tabletop. "He's a good friend, isn't he? He's the only one who figured out something was wrong… If he hadn't… I-" He didn't finish his sentence. It hurt to think about how much worse this whole thing could've ended.
"R is an amazing friend, yes," Courfeyrac agreed, turning Combeferre's chin so that he could look at him. "But so are we… We were just too caught up with each other and… A-and that was wrong, but that doesn't make us lesser friends… It's just… They always say love makes you blind, right? Maybe in our case it made us blind to our best friend's needs. But we got a wake-up call and a sincere one at that. Let's do it right this time?"
Combeferre took a shaky breath and looked his boyfriend in the eyes. It took him another second, but then he was nodding. Yes, they would do it right from now on.
"Are you sure there's nothing special you want to watch?" Grantaire asked a tired Enjolras, who was curled against his chest; a lost expression in his eyes. "You've got all these interesting documentary's you always tell me I should see… Maybe we can put one on? Or we could just watch the news…" He glanced at the television, frowning at the home selling program that was on. "Anything's better than this, I'm sure."
Enjolras simply shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes. He couldn't care less about what was on the television. He and Courfeyrac had been watching Pokemon in the morning and Enjolras was just too lazy to shut the TV off afterwards. In all honesty, he really just wanted to sleep, but he felt too restless to do so. There was so much going on in his head. He couldn't escape the horrible thoughts he was thinking. It was nice to have Grantaire around, or Courfeyrac, or any of the others, but Enjolras never found real comfort in their company. He was too far gone inside his own head; thinking about the past months, the past year, the mistakes he made, the failures, the guilt.
Grantaire watched his friend for a moment. With a sigh, he switched off the TV and shifted a little so that Enjolras was more comfortable. "Alright then," he murmured quietly. "We can just… lay here for a bit, I guess. Just let me know if there's anything I can get you… Or if you want to talk…. I'm here if you need me."
All Enjolras did was squeeze Grantaire's hand briefly in return.
Grantaire let out another deep breath and turned his gaze up towards the ceiling. He had hoped that once Enjolras had gone through his detox, things would start to look up, but in truth, everything was a horrible mess. They still didn't know why Enjolras choose to take the drugs in the first place, though Grantaire had a hunch. Despite the fact that the worst was over, Enjolras was still feeling sick and weak and according to Joly, he could feel that way for a little while. On top of that, Enjolras and Combeferre were still at odds and that was just not right. That was the thing that weighed most upon the group of friends. It was so clear for all to see that Enjolras desperately needed Combeferre by his side. On the other hand, no one blamed the medical student for his hesitation after learning what Enjolras did. Sure, they knew Combeferre still loved his best friend, but that deep trust that they shared was wounded now. And it needed time to get fixed. Grantaire just hoped that one day, everything would return to normal.
There was a time when he would've been amazed to have Enjolras lie in his arms like this. If it had happened on any other occasion, Grantaire probably wouldn't have believed his own eyes. But right now, he couldn't be happy about it. It only saddened him that his fierce friend had fallen so far down that he resembled nothing more than a frightened young boy, insecure and unhappy. Still though, no matter the circumstances, Grantaire was going to be there for him. He would hold Enjolras as close as the man wanted. And he wouldn't look for any other meaning behind it other than that his friend needed the safety of another man's arms.
"How'd you know?"
Enjolras' soft voice brought Grantaire out of his ponderings and he looked back down at the mop of curly hair. "How did I know what?"
He could feel Enjolras swallow against his chest. "H-How'd you know I was using something…?"
Grantaire was quiet for a moment. He hadn't known for sure for a very long time. At first, he hadn't thought anything wrong, just like the rest of his friends. Enjolras was very good at hiding it and for weeks, he hadn't suspected a thing. "I didn't know for certain until 'Ferre called me after he visited you…"
At the mention of Combeferre's name, Enjolras tensed. He stayed silent, however, and Grantaire figured he'd best continue.
"But I had suspected for a little while before that… I-… Look, E, I'm not a stranger to these things, as you very well know. I know what it does to people. And sure alcohol isn't the same as pills, but there are always the same signals, you know. With you I first noticed your trembling hands… I mean, you always have a very steady hand, but now you dropped things and you spilled coffee and stuff… I don't know, something just told me it wasn't right. So I started paying attention to you and I noticed more things that were out of place, you know… You got snappy very quickly… you avoided talk about your work… You tried to get out of as many dates with our friends as possible… You looked even more tired than you normally do…."
Grantaire fell quiet and thought back to the past few weeks. "I didn't know for sure until Combeferre came to talk to you, but I had a really bad feeling about it when you and I fought that night, remember? I confronted you about your behavior and I asked you if there was anything wrong… And you just… Downright flipped on me. You panicked and you cursed and you screamed and it was just so…. So unlike you…"
Next to him, he could feel a tremor go trough the smaller body and he swallowed. He didn't want to upset the man. Courfeyrac told him "no heavy conversations". Had he screwed up already?
But when Enjolras spoke, his voice was clear and honest. "Thank you."
"What?" Grantaire breathed, heart skipping a beat.
"I said thank you," Enjolras repeated, turning his head a little so he could look at Grntaire. "I… I know there's a lot more to say and I know that I'm probably going to have to talk about all of this eventually, but for now I just want to say thank you. Thank you for noticing what was wrong… For confronting me about it… For going to our friends. I know I was a real dick to you earlier, but I wasn't in a good place as you very well know. I'm still not in a good place, but at least now I can think clearly again. I no longer feel like I'm stuck, with no way out… And that's thanks to you. Because if you hadn't stepped up, I'm not sure how things would've ended. And I'm grateful that you refused to let it come that far."
Grantaire was at a loss for words.
"You don't have to say anything," Enjolras whispered, breaking the silence once more. "Just know that I'm grateful and that I'm deeply sorry for the things I said to you. I didn't mean them. And I hope you know how much I appreciate and value your friendship."
Again, Grantaire was dumbstruck. He opened his mouth, but he had no words to say. Instead, he brought both his arms up and curled them around Enjolras' frame. This was their first hug ever. On a bed for God's sake. And there wasn't anything happy about it. Grantaire wanted to cry, but he didn't. All he did was tighten his hold around Enjolras and press a soft kiss on top of his curls. "Don't thank me," he finally choked out, voice constricted. "Don't thank me, E… Just… J-Just get better, alright?"
Underneath his chin, he could feel Enjolras nod and that brought a small smile to his face. Because even that tiny, little nod told him that everything was not lost yet. There was still fight in Enjolras. And as long as they could keep that spark of fire alive, Grantaire was sure things could be fixed.
And then maybe, just maybe, he would finally find the courage to ask Enjolras out sometimes.
Grantaire didn't know how long he and Enjolras lay that close together. At one point, he heard Enjolras' breathing even out and he knew the man had fallen asleep. His gaze returned to the ceiling once more before his own eyes fell closed. If they weren't watching TV and if they weren't talking, he might as well get some much needed sleep himself. He figured it wouldn't be hard, with the warm weight of his friend safe against his chest.
Just as he was about to fall asleep, he heard the door of the bedroom open. Grantaire peeked through one eye, expecting Courfeyrac to return from his talk with Combeferre. It wasn't Courfeyrac standing in the doorway, however. Grantaire opened both of his eyes and carefully sat up a little straighter. Enjolras stirred in his sleep, but didn't wake.
"Hi, R," Combeferre whispered quietly. He wasn't looking at Grantaire however. His eyes were fixed on the blond figure sleeping next to him.
"'Ferre…," Grantaire breathed. He was extremely relieved to finally see his friend in the same room as Enjolras after all these days. A closer look told him Combeferre was nervous as hell, biting the inside of his cheek and clenching his fists at his side. The man didn't look comfortable at all and for a moment Grantaire wondered if he even wanted to be here.
"Can I…," Combeferre muttered, looking from Enjolras to Grantaire and back. "C-Can I have some time alone with Enjolras?"
There was no hesitation in Grantaire's movements as he nodded his head and gently squeezed Enjolras' shoulders to wake him up. It took some time to coax his friend back to consciousness, but Combeferre remained patiently waiting by the door. Grantaire wondered if it was out of decency or just plain nerves. It didn't really matter though. What mattered was that the man finally came to see Enjolras and Grantaire was certain that this was the start of some improvement at last.
"Enjolras," he whispered softly, as he carefully pushed the younger man away from his chest. "E, come on, wake up. There's someone here to see you…"
Enjolras grumbled something unintelligible, but opened his eyes nonetheless. When he did, he looked directly at the man standing in the doorway and his heart skipped a beat.
"Hey, E…"
TBC.