I was holed up in my office. Not unusual except that today I had begged Esme not to come in. I could hear her in our bedroom pacing, probably wondering why I had flown into the house not daring to look at her as I slammed the door.
My life, both before and after the change, has been based on compassion and trust. Such that each and every fiber of my being revolted against causing harm as I continued to defy my true nature. I studied for two centuries to be as immune as I could be to human blood: the bright red, pulsing, salty-sweet sights, sounds and smells of human blood. The will to resist stronger than the pull to succumb.
Sometimes, frequently really, I ask myself if changing others had been a moral path. Committing someone to this existence is not something I had taken lightly. It had taken me nearly 300 years to even try. Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett all were not innocent in this life as they came to learn, respect and internalize new values and protect human life. As a result I knew I had murders on my hands. I had created them and was directly or indirectly responsible for their actions of bloodlust and revenge. This pained me as Edward well knew, but as always he never divulged my secrets. I needed called Edward; my first real companion and friend in this never-ending existence. I couldn't tell him but I could talk until he came home, then he would know what I was hiding. All I know is that he was strong enough when I was not.
"Hi, Carlisle. I'll be home soon." He said. I could hear him running.
"Can we talk now Edward?" I must have sounded off. I didn't want him home before I got to talk. Before he could hear everything.
"What's wrong, Carlisle?" he asked immediately, his pace did not seem to slow.
"How's Bella?" I asked casually or so I thought.
"Fine. She's with Ness." Edward was suspicious I could hear it in his voice but I ignored it.
"That's good. I was just remembering when you met her."
"That's not the best topic for me Carlisle. I came so close, so close…to not having her. You have no idea. To not having my life, my daughter…"
"I know, Edward…I don't know if I was as sympathetic or understanding as I should have been back then. I hope you will one day accept my apologies."
"Carlisle, you are the one who taught me to fight, to resist my true nature. And once I could do this I learned to love. It wasn't easy. It was never easy. Every day there was a part of me, the monster whose sole focus was Bella's blood."
"My understanding of your difficulties was sorely underdeveloped. You're right. I had no idea. Not a clue. An hour in a closed room with such a scent. Unbearable."
"That was the beginning. Every step in our courtship, was the most pleasure as well as the most pain I ever felt. Tasting her blood was a true test. You helped me through Carlisle. You saved her."
"Never down play your strength, Edward – it was you always."
"We didn't tell you. After Isle Esme. Bella and I were really going to go to Dartmouth. She wanted to delay the plans…until Ness. I was thrilled, of course, but so was the monster. Always just hiding below the surface. Maybe he would get his way, someday, not just a taste. Maybe I would slip and drink all of her."
"Even with the blood at delivery your only focus was her life and her rebirth. I told you then I would not have had the strength you had to save her. Knowing what I know now I cannot fathom how you didn't surrender." My voice had turned to a whisper. I had no more words.
Edward used the strength I had taught and instilled in him. To resist. He found the will, the hope, the light…the love.
Not me. I failed. I was disgraced. One was too many. How could I? I put my head on the desk still holding the phone. I guessed by the sound through the receiver Edward had put on a burst of speed
By now Edward was close enough that he knew. He could hear the shame in my thoughts. But only when he knocked the office door clear off its hinges did I looked up. That's when he could see the crimson glow in my eyes. La tua cantante. I had finally found mine.
A/N: I have always been torn about what Carlisle would do when he finally met her. Do you agree or disagree? It's always good to have a Twilight debate. Please review.