It's often said that there are two types of people in this world.
That is a logical fallacy. A lie.
As a loner, I can see the truth. There are no types of people. There are only superficial images superimposed onto others. We hate these images. We love them. We gather around them. We avoid them.
I said that I can see the truth.
That was a lie.
"Think. Struggle. Writhe." A lonely sensei way past her prime once advised me.
Even if I keep calculating, it's inefficient and can't guarantee results – so why bother?
"Do genuine things even exist?" A malicious onee-san once asked me.
Desperately searching for something that may not exist – is there a better definition of stupidity?
"I hate the way you do things." A perfect girl with dependency issues once scolded me.
My methods don't work - what else am I supposed to do?
"That's why I hate myself." A candid fujoshi who hides behind facades confessed to me.
I could spend an eternity trying but be lost in superficiality – will no one stop me?
"I hate you" A will less doll (read as action figure) once told me.
I keep diving deeper into this ocean – why do I always lie?
"But, you know… this kind of stuff, you can't do that anymore." A nice girl once begged me.
It hurts. I can't think. I hate this. But I need to keep diving. I need to bear this. Right?
"You need to think more of how others feel…Why do you understand everything but that?"
A nice girl once cried for me.
"I love you." Her tears glistened at the corner of her eyes. The orange rays of sunset refracted through them. They fell. Twilight fell. My despair rained down.
This was wrong. I already gave up. I'm trapped in the jet black tar. Stop. Stop. Please…I'm begging you…..STOP!
Don't try to drag me out. You'll drown too. I don't want to desire this.
Silence permeated the air, palpable in its own agony.
My eyes casted downward at the ground. I can't make her happy. No. I don't want her to be unhappy. Even if I said yes it would only end badly. We both would break. We both would suffer. I can't climb that ladder. I refuse to drag her down.
"Why? I don't understand why." Her hands trembled.
"You….You…." her voice trembled.
"Idiot." Her broken hearted face murmured.
She ran away leaving me alone.
That's right. I am a loner. This is only natural. I should only observe, avoid, and detest.
And it hurt.
I tasted the sweet nectar and I spit it on the ground. I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't earned that right. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't save any of them. As an outcast, I did what I never should have done.
I gave myself hope.
I casted away from my principles.
"We only change to avoid the current situation. The true meaning of not running away is planting your feet firmly in the ground and doing the best you can with your present. Who's running away now? Why can't you just accept who you are and who you were?"
I reiterated to myself.
I ran away.
I rejected what I wanted. I rejected myself.
What do I have to show for it?
Absolutely nothing. I winded up right where I started. Only this time I can't restart. Nothing would change.
"I love you." More tears fell.
"I love you" Her voice trembled again.
Why? I don't get it.
"I love you." She whispered
"I love you." She murmured.
"I love you." She smiled.
I'm begging you stop!
"I love you." She cried.
"STOP!" I couldn't stand this. Every single time she stabbed me. She broke me. She battered my stronghold.
"WHY? WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT? ARE YOU INSANE? ARE YOU A MONSTER?" I snapped. I raged. I regretted every single word that poured out of my throat.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NO? WHY DON'T YOU STAY AWAY?"
"Because you're crying. Every single time you cry. I want to save you. It's not pity. I'm doing this because I want to.
You think. You struggle. You writhe. You suffer. Constantly denying yourself anything you want you stupid pessimist. You can't stop me. There's not a chance in hell you can stop me.
Because, I love you Hikki."