The Harvest Goddess' handy dandy guide to seducing Georgia
Every day, after I finish working on my farm, I visit the town hall to check the local message board. On the way, I always pass by Grady's pet shop. This is my favourite part of the trip, because I always get a smile and a wave from Grady's lovely daughter Georgia. For some reason I always used to get crushes on country girls in the cartoons I watched as a kid. And now I'm at the "I acknowledge you as a causal acquaintance" stage with this real life country girl. Those soft eyes, that fluffy red hair, that accent. A smile from a girl that pretty never fails to brighten my day.
"Ooh! So that's who you have a crush on!" came a voice. It was a voice that sounded disturbingly as if it was inside my head.
"Harvest Goddess, is that you?"
"Dum, dum, da, daa! That's right! It's me, everyone's favourite matchmaker, that amazing Harvest Goddess! I'm here to help you win that cutie pie's affection, as my duty as the goddess of love!"
"I thought you were the goddess of the harvest. That..you know...why we call you the Harvest Goddess..."
"I am, but I also have a monopoly to maintain. I'm also the goddess of love, agriculture, marriage, women, childbirth, conquest, dating sims..."
"Um...just forget that last one. Anyway! First things first! Discussing how we approach Georgia! Back to the farm we go!"
"Ow! Let go of my ear! Do you have any idea how weird this looks to people who can't see you?!"
On the way back to my farm, several people looked at me as if I was having a seizure. Hopping backwards on one leg isn't exactly a walk that says "dignity".
Anyway, without complaining (much) I returned to the farmhouse. Her Grace made a bee line for my wardrobe.
"Now, my boy, as a chef, you're probably familiar with the expression that the first bite is with the eye. The way you dress can really increase your chances, just like how you can make a cheese burger look more appetising by sprinkling sesame seeds on top of the bun."
"Oh I see...wait, you're comparing me to a burger? A piece of meat?"
"Hey, you are what you eat, after all!"
"But I'm a vegetarian."
"That's beside the point, Philip! Most men don't know this, but the way you dress says a lot about the sort of person you are. For example, a dirty shirt broadcasts that this person doesn't care about his appearance because he's lazy, so he's also too lazy to be a decent boyfriend. And if it's a character print t-shirt, you get extra dork points!"
"So I can't wear my Tri-Force t-shirt?"
"Not if you want to impress the girls, you don't. Aha! Now this one looks like it'll score you some major Georgia points!"
Her excellence pulled out a beige shirt and a blue woollen vest.
"This outfit has hard working and down to earth written all over it!"
"My work outfit? But I use that for working in the garden..."
"Details, details! Captain James T Kirk always wore his work clothes to chase girls and he did pretty good!"
"Well, yeah, but it kind of helps that all the space babes are scripted to be attracted to him. Personally though, I've never seen the appeal of a guy who takes a two second pause after saying each word."
"Speaking of words, that brings us to our second point of discussion! The key to being popular is the art of conversation! Now, what do you know about this girl that you can talk about?"
I thought about it.
"Well, Georgia works at her father's pet store and she usually looks happy when she's working with the horses, so I'm assuming that she likes animals."
"And what do you have on your farm?"
"There you go! You already have a common interest you can talk about!"
"That's great and all, but how do I start a conversation with her? Just casually, as if I've nothing better to do?"
"Again, easy as pie! Just give her a bottle of milk and say that you're handing out free samples. I'm sure Georgia will appreciate it. She drinks a lot of milk, after all"
"You think so?"
"I know so. Trust me, I've observed this girl for a while now. She definitely looks like a milk drinker."
"I see...Wait, how can you tell if a girl drinks a lot of milk by just looking at her?"
Her green-ness made an annoyed sound, folded her arms and pointed her nose in the air. "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
What the...?! What did I say?! Well, I don't think it really matters, since the divine one gave a quick shake of her head and was suddenly her usual cheerful self.
"Anyway, now you have everything you need to establish first contact. Just remember, try to find out what her favourite food is. And if possible, offer to make it for her."
"Okay, I can do that."
So I changed into my work clothes. Then I went to my storage chiller for a bottle of milk that I got from my cow, Meg, that morning. Okay, weapons set and ready. Here I go! Destination- Grady's Pets!
When I reached the pet shop, I saw Georgia gently brushing one of the horses. Ah, there's that serene smile. I hope someday I can wake up to that smile in the morning.
"Then go talk to her!" I could hear the Harvest Goddess call, "Faint heart never won fair lady!"
Well, it's going to be awkward, knowing that her greenness is watching, but I screwed my courage and went over to her.
"Hi Georgia!" I said, giving a little wave.
"Oh, hi there! Philip, isn't it?"
"That's right. I'm just giving out some free samples of my produce. I saved this bottle of milk for you."
She seemed to perk up a bit when I handed her the bottle.
"Thank you, kindly! I'll have to try this later. I'll be able to tell from the taste, how well you look after your cattle."
"Really? Just from the taste?"
"Of course! Don't you know? Happy cows make really tasty milk!"
I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head. That sounded really cheesy.
"No offence, but what you said sounded like it was from a TV commercial."
She gave a little giggle. "My daddy used to work for the Happy Egg company."
As we talked, I found out a lot about her. About that town she lived in when she was a kid, where she picked up her accent. Her horse Dakota and how she'd sometimes enter the local derby. She also told me a load of interesting facts about horses. I told her that it would really come in handy with taking care of my own horse, Sampson, which led to more equestrian discussions.
"Say, listen," she said, "I'm gonna head over to Howard's cafe for lunch. You want to come with me? They're doing Fried Rice today!"
"Sure." I said as we started walking out of the gate. "So, you like Chinese food, huh?"
"Well, sort of." she said as she locked to gate, to keep the horses safe inside "See, back in the town we lived in out west, my dad picked up the recipe. It was my favourite when I was little."
In my mind, I flashed over some cook books I had collected from home, when I first moved here.
"You know, I think one of the cook books I have has a recipe for fried rice. Some cooked rice, oil and an egg. Maybe I'll make some for lunch tomorrow and bring you some."
"Oh, thanks! That's mighty swell of you! I wouldn't mind trying it."
We arrived at Howard's cafe and got a table. Laney the waitress, a pretty blonde girl with her hair in a bun, came over.
"Hi Georgia! I had a feeling you'd show up, today!"
"Well of course I was gonna come on down, with my favourite food on the menu!"
"And I see you have company. So, is two portions of fried rice okay?"
"Yeah, that'll be great." I said. So Laney wrote our order down in her notepad and went to the kitchen.
"Laney and I have been best friends since I moved here." Georgia explained "Sometimes we get together to bake ourselves a little cake buffet."
"That's interesting, but wouldn't it be easier to just go to a real buffet?"
"It would be, but the last time we went to one, it didn't turn out so good." Georgia explained as she began to awkwardly stroke her cheek with her index finger, "You see, if you can't finish what's on your plate and you've4 got a lot of leftovers, you've got to pay an extra fee for stuff that gets wasted. The last time me and Laney went to a cake buffet in the city, we, well...we got a little carried away..."
I had to laugh. The same thing's happened to me plenty of times.
"I know, that sometimes happens to me when I go to the buffet at Pizza Hut. I keep telling myself, 'One more slice won't hurt' but then you need to head to the bathroom, really quick!"
As we shared our laugh, I admired Georgia's expressive face and her huge eyes. She has such a beautiful smile.
"Like I said earlier," she said "if we make the cakes ourselves we don't have to worry about waste, cause we can just save them for later."
"Or you could try making mug cakes." I suggested "I got this one cook book which explains how to make all these different cakes using the microwave. They only take five minutes to make and there's hardly anything to wash up."
"Wow! That sounds neat! I've got to try that!"
Laney returned with two steaming hot plates of fried rice.
"Laney, listen to this! Philip was just telling me about this cookbook he's got that tells you how to make five-minute cakes!"
"Oh, I've heard of those." said Laney "I'm thinking about trying them, next time you and I get the kitchen to ourselves."
She turned to face me.
"So, do you have any other cook books?"
"A couple. Though I usually prefer the more simple recipes. This is the first time I've ever lived alone, so I had to buy a bunch of guide books for everything."
"Just as long as you're not one of those guys to uses a guide for chasing girls!" said Laney. Both she and Georgia had a fit of laughter. I suddenly became aware of how warm it was in this cafe. I was also aware of a third, Goddess-ish voice snickering along with them.
"Yeah, those jerks who think they can use cheap tricks to get any girl they want!" Georgia joined in.
"And how they think girls are some kind of alien species that they conquer by using a real life version of a video game cheat code!"
"Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start! Ping! Take me I'm yours!" Georgia hooted. Why is it that I'm suddenly feeling slightly less hungry?
Anyway, Laney left us and we had our meal. It was good. I hope the fried rice I'm making tomorrow is able to compete with it. We made more small talk as I walked Georgia home. It seems her favourite cartoon, as a child was Wild West Cowboys of Moo Mesa. I was always into Ninja Turtles, myself, but apparently Moo Mesa was made one of the same people who did Ninja Turtles, so it might be worth looking up. Finally we got back to the pet shop.
"I've got to get back to work now, but I sure had a mighty good time."
"Me too. We'll have to talk again, sometime."
Then she took a pen and paper out of her pocket and started scribbling. Then she handed me the note, before opening the door. There was a series of numbers, followed by her name and a smiley face. I looked up and our eyes met.
"Call me sometime, sugar!" She gave me a wink as she shut the door. I felt like a million dollars.
"Well, well, well! Looks like you succeeded in winning the lovely Georgia's affections!" game the divine voice of the Harvest Goddess. "Though you do get some chauvinist pig points, for using a guide."
I sighed as my mind returned to what Georgia and Laney said about guys who use "How to" guides for attracting women. "You're right. Women aren't machines that you can program to do what you want. They're living people with their own ideals and feelings and..." then I realised something-
"Wait a minute! You're the one who guided me though asking Georgia out!"
"Well...yes...but, you're the one who chose to follow my guide!"
"Oh, so you're also the Goddess of Trolling, now, too?"