Note- This is an AU where anyone in the Potterverse knows no one else except Harry and Ginny and Luna and Neville. Also a Muggle!AU, besides for Luna


BRAD: And welcome to a special airing of King of the Mountain! Today, as you might see, we're not in our regular studio. We're in the United Kingdom. This episode we have five contestants from the United Kingdom. We hope you enjoy the newest episode of King of the mountain!

*applause*


(There's a room with a desk, stage L, six chairs downstage and a table with refreshments upstage. LARRY and GINNY enter stage R)

LARRY: Here, Ginny, is where the contestants wait before the show starts. It's the contestants' home away from home. (LARRY points to closet off stage L*)You can hang your coat up in there.

(GINNY goes to the closet as LARRY goes to the refreshment table upstage. GINNY comes back out and LARRY walks over to her)

LARRY: Now, your first duty as executive producer is to get the contestants from the studio gate and bring them here. And give them each a name tag. (LARRY pulls out five cards from his back pocket) You sure on what to do?

GINNY: Meet them at the gate and bring them here.

LARRY: Right. (in an almost sinister matter) And once you've got them in out clutches, you're not to let them out of your sight. Unless they're with me, of course. The network wants to be absolutely sure no one's cheating.

GINNY: Okay. Sounds like I'm going to be a babysitter.

LARRY: Ah! That's what our last executive producer said! But as I told her there's no changing diapers!

GINNY; Okaaay...

LARRY: And that reminds me, if a contestant needs the bathroom, you're to stand by the door.

GINNY: Sounds like fun.

LARRY: It is! Now go pick up our contestants. We don't want to leave them waiting!

(GINNY goes off stage R while LARRY goes upstage and starts to prepare a coffee

WILLIAM BARON walks in stage R as LARRY finishes making his coffee. LARRY walks over to him)

LARRY: Hi William!

(WILLIAM takes the coffee from LARRY's hand. LARRY sighs and shakes his head as if it had been done to him many times before.)

WILLIAM: Let's get straight to it, Larry. Who are this weeks contestants. And they better be good!

(LARRY sighs and walks over to desk stage L, picking up five pictures)

LARRY: First we have Luna Lovegood. (LARRY hands WILLIAM a picture) Animal lover, who's also very cooky.

WILLIAM: Is her job in animals?

LARRY: According to her, she invests most of her money traveling around the world, looking for something called the 'Crumple-Horned Snorcak'.

WILLIAM: Hmm, interesting. Next?

LARRY: (LARRY hands WILLIAM another picture) Next we have Hermione Granger. She works for the minister and they say she's one of the smartest people of her age.

WILLIAM: Works for the minister? Interesting occupation.

(LARRY looks down at the next picture, then throws it behind him.)

LARRY: Next we have Albus Dumbledore.

WILLIAM: (WILLIAM raises an eyebrow) No picture?

LARRY: I, uh, must've misplaced it. Anyway, Albus, is probably the smartest of them all.

WILLIAM: How old is he?

LARRY: As sharp as they come, William!

WILLIAM: How old is he, Larry?

LARRY: Gosh, I don't know...

WILLIAM: What did his application say?

LARRY: Fifty, I think. (LARRY hastily hands WILLIAM another picture) Next is Seamus Finnagin! He's our only Irish contestant this week.

WILLIAM: Interesting.

LARRY: He's also a war veteran.

WILLIAM: Which war?

LARRY: First Gulf War. Next we have Harry Potter. Very young, very smart and very good-looking. (LARRY hand WILLIAM the next picture)

WILLIAM: Yes he is. Married?

LARRY: Also very single.

WILLIAM: Is he gay?

LARRY: (LARRY sighs) I wouldn't know, William.

WILLIAM: Where's he from?

LARRY: London.

WILLIAM: Good chance... I have paperwork I need to do, call me when the contestants are ready for briefing.

(WILLIAM exits stage L

LARRY goes back upstage and makes another cup of coffee. LARRY sighs and sits down and is about to take a sip of his coffee when GINNY comes in stage L with LUNA LOVEGOOD, SEAMUS FINNAGIN and HERMIONE GRANGER

LARRY stands back up)

LARRY: Ah, you're back. Ginny, where are Albus and Harry?

GINNY: Oh, they weren't at the gate.

LARRY: You should go look for them!

GINNY: Oh, ok. (GINNY goes out stage L while LUNA walks over to LARRY)

LUNA: Can you please tell Seamus that the capital of Australia is Sydney!

SEAMUS: No, it's Melbourne, right?

LARRY: Don't ask me, I'm the contestant coordinator, not a contestant.

HERMIONE: It's Canberra.

(LUNA, SEAMUS and LARRY turn to HERMIONE)

SEAMUS: Canbe-what?

HERMIONE: Canberra. The capital of Australia.

LARRY: I thought Melbourne and Sydney were the only states in Australia.

HERMIONE: Well they're- (HERMIONE gets cut off by GINNY entering stage L with ALBUS DUMBLEDORE and HARRY POTTER)

GINNY: Found them.

LARRY: Now, contestants, while you are here, you are to be with either Ginny or I. I will take the female contestants to makeup, our director will be here later to explain how the show works and our producer will come after for briefing. (DUMBLDORE and SEAMUS both walk over to LARRY and, in turn, whisper something in his ear. LARRY sighs) Come along then.

GINNY: Larry, should I go too?

LARRY: No, you have to stay here and watch Harry. (LARRY indicates STEVE)

GINNY: Oh, right. *LARRY leaves stage L and GINNY and HARRY both sit down*

HARRY (dryly): What a pleasant surprise seeing you here. (HARRY stands up and walks over to GINNY) How long has it been?

(GINNY stands up)

GINNY (awkwardly): Well I don't know; it's not like I've been counting...

HARRY: Four years. (pause) Did you ever get your MA?

GINNY: Two years ago.

HARRY: (HARRY slow claps) Congratulations. (HARRY looks GINNY up and down) Still wearing my ring, I see.

GINNY: Your ring? You gave it to me.

HARRY: I let you borrow it.

GINNY: Borrow? That's what you said when you proposed.

HARRY: Hey, that ring cost me big bucks!

GINNY: Well it's mine now.

HARRY: No, when you called off the engagement, you gave me back ownership of the ring!

GINNY: I only called off the engagement because you started dating other girls!

(GINNY sighs and HARRY turns away from each her)

HARRY: Look, honestly, the reason I started dating other girls was because... I wasn't ready for marriage.

GINNY: No it wasn't.

HARRY: No it wasn't what?

GINNY (sighing): The reason you started dating other girls was because you felt threatened.

HARRY (incredulously): Threatened? By what?

GINNY: By me getting my MA.

HARRY: I was-

GINNY (cutting off HARRY): Think about it. When I started to apply to graduate schools, you started to date other girls. You couldn't take the pressure, you never could. You needed to win at everything, you were always way too overly competitive.

HARRY: If you thought I was like that, why'd you say yes?

GINNY: What do you mean?

HARRY: If I was such a troll, why'd you agree to marry me?

GINNY: Oh, I don't know. I guess I was just young and foolish. But I've changed.

HARRY: I've changed as well. I don't lose my temper anymore.

GINNY: Didn't seem like that two minutes ago.

HARRY: Fine, I still do, but not as often. I've changed, Ginny, I have. I've grown up. (HARRY sits down)

(GINNY goes over to where HARRY is sitting and sits down next to him

HARRY leans in for a kiss when GINNY jumps up

LARRY has entered stage L with everyone else)

LARRY: Now, come along everyone, Ginny, you too, the director, Alan will tell you how the show works and show you around set, then we'll come back here for briefing with our producer William Baron.


(SEAMUS, LUNA, HERMIONE, HARRY and DUMBLEDORE are sitting in the chairs on the contestants waiting room when WILLIAM walks in stage L)

WILLIAM: Hello contestants.

HERMIONE (jumping up): Hello, Mr Baron!

WILLIAM: Please, call me William. And you are?

HERMIONE: Hermione Granger, one of the contestants of King of the Mountain!

WILLIAM: Nice to meet you. Congratulations, you seem to be the only person ready to play our game show. People, the Golden Rule of game shows is to be (enthusiastically) enthusiastic! Larry, why don't you introduce me?

LARRY: Right. (pointing to SEAMUS) That over there is Seamus.

(SEAMUS stands up)

WILLIAM: Hello. I understand you served in the First Golf War?

SEAMUS: Yes, sir!

WILLIAM: Oh, no need to call me sir. Make sure to mention to Brad that you fought there.

SEAMUS: But I only work in administration.

WILLIAM: Let's not squabble over minor details. Next?

(LUNA stands up and shakes hands with WILLIAM)

LUNA: I'm Luna Lovegood, Mr. Baron.

WILLIAM: Nice to meet you. I hear you're interested in animals?

LUNA: Ah, yes. I search for the lost Crumple-Horned Snorcak.

WILLIAM: Be sure to tell Brad that. Next?

(HERMIONE jumps up and shakes WILLIAM's hand)

HERMIONE (talking fast): Hi William! I'm super excited to play King of the Mountain! I work for the minister and I hope to be a minister one day!

WILLIAM: Slow down, Hermione, no need to rush.

HERMIONE (slower): Right, William.

(HARRY stand up before WILLIAM asks him to and shakes his hand)

HARRY: Hello, William. I'm Harry Potter.

WILLIAM: Hello, Mr. Potter. Why are you here on King of the Mountain?

HARRY: I need the money to make a film.

WILLIAM: Oh, our production assistant also is interested in making films. (GINNY nods)

HARRY: I know. We went to school together... We were in the same class, both film majors. In fact, my final film got the highest score.

GINNY: Thanks to some editing help.

HARRY: Hey, I didn't ask for your help

GINNY: No, you begged for it.

HARRY: I could've edited it myself.

GINNY: Why didn't you?

WILLIAM: People, please, let's have a little decorum.

HARRY: (to WILLIAM) The truth is, she's a better script girl then editor.

GINNY: The truth is, the editing made that film.

HARRY: (raising his voice) No, I made that film.

WILLIAM: ATTENTION! (SEAMUS jumps up in attention, saluting. To SEAMUS) Not you! You two! Not another peep! I was under the impresion everyone here was an adult.

HERMIONE: Adults can control their tempers.

WILLIAM: Very right. (to ALBUS) And you?

(ALBUS stands up)

ALBUS: Albus Dumbledore.

WILLIAM: Pleasure to meet you. Now, we'll be on the air in-

ALBUS: Don't you want me to tell Brad anything?

WILLIAM: No, that's fine. Now, as I was saying, we'll be on the air in an hour. Prepare yourselves.


(LARRY is in the contestant's waiting room when WILLIAM walks in)

WILLIAM: We have two problems, Larry. One, I'm not going to be here for the show tonight. My wife's been having indigestion and the doctor wants to make sure everything's okay. I'll trust you and Ginny not to screw everything up.

LARRY: Okay. You said you had two things?

WILLIAM: I was getting to that. I'm afraid we can't use Albus. He's too old.

LARRY (groaning): And I suppose I'll have to tell him?

WILLIAM: No need to. I have. Now I must get going. (LARRY sighs and sits down as GINNY walks in)

GINNY: What's wrong.

LARRY: Albus's out. William- William didn't think he was quite right for the show.

GINNY: Well, who will replace him?

LARRY: In an emergency, I choose someone young and attractive, preferably a college graduate, from the audience.

GINNY: Hey, I'm young and a uni graduate. I'll quit from my job right now if I can go on.

LARRY: Okay... Well write down that you quit and the time here. (LARRY hands GINNY a clipboard with paper on it) Now, go! You're on in two minutes.


BRAD: Hello, and today we are at King's Cross Station. This week, they are sponsoring King of the Mountain. They have train and bus services so you can get anywhere below and above ground, and get there fast! King's Cross Station, the place for travelers, business people and anyone who needs to get somewhere. Get there fast with King's Cross Station!


BRAD: Sorry, Seamus, but ichthyology is the study of fish. And that is three questions in a row wrong, you're eliminated. Thanks for playing King of the Mountain!

(SEAMUS walks off stage where LARRY is, watching the show)

SEAMUS: Come on! Hermione gets asked how to spell tomato and I get ichthyology? Did you know what ichthyology is, Larry?

LARRY: Yes, but that's just because I used to collect fish. You did very well, Seamus. (as SEAMUS goes off, a very angry HERMIONE walks in)

HERMIONE (screaming): I am through with this stupid game show! I waste my time and money to drive up here to play and I get stupid consolation prizes! Damn it! (mimicking BRAD) Hermione, thanks for playing, you were a great contestant. (normal voice) Shut up Brad! (mimicking BRAD) Enjoy your consolation prizes. (normal voice) Well you can shove those consolation prizes up your ass! Do you know what I know? (knocking over and spilling things as she lists each item) I know the Seven Wonders of the World, every astronaut on all eleven Apollo missions, the whole periodic table, all twelve astrological signs. (pause) And that rug-head asks me to name Snow White's seven dwarves. (mimicking BRAD) Why Hermione, even my grandchildren know their names. (normal voice) Good riddance!

LARRY: I thought adults could control their tempers.

HERMIONE: Ugh!

(HERMIONE storms out and LARRY turns back to the screen, seeing GINNY miss her fifth and final question.

GINNY comes backstage a moment later.)

GINNY: Guess who didn't win.

LARRY: I'm sorry.

GINNY: No, it's fine. I wasn't even supposed to be on the show. But I'm glad I quit. How could William fire Albus? He seems like a natural.

LARRY: Not just William. How many old people do you see in game shows? Producers think they're poison.

(That moment, HARRY comes backstage)

LARRY: Luna won, huh?

HARRY: No kidding.

(LARRY senses that three's a crowd and goes off stage, mumbling about congratulating LUNA)

HARRY: Ginny?

GINNY: Yeah?

HARRY: I'm sorry. For everything. I do still love you though. Do you want to, I don't know, have dinner?

GINNY: Tonight? (HARRY nods) I just- no, sorry, I'm going to head home. Bye, Harry.

HARRY: Bye, Ginny.

(As HARRY and GINNY both leave, LUNA comes on stage, carrying a huge check for £25000. She goes to the phone on the desk and rings someone)

LUNA: Nev? Nev, it's me Luna. I won! I won the £25000! We should convert it to magic money and go across the world, looking for the Crumple-Horned Snorcak. And Nev, I kept magic a secret the whole time! (pause) It's Luna Lovegood. Your girlfriend. This isn't Neville Longbottom? You're Rolf Scamander? Any relation to Newt Scamander? Yes? You have an interest in animal as well? Interesting... Tell me more...


A/N- Done! For QL, r12, Cannons, Chaser 3, Misc, 5, 8, 14