Happy Birthday to Jessica L. Pearson here at FF! Hope you have a great day :)
He thought about how ironic it was. That his walls; the walls around his heart,
the ones he had spent decades carefully constructing, had finally come down.
Only to find himself in between four walls that weren't coming down any time soon.
He stared around the room, the four concrete walls. A small window with no particularly exciting view in the wall on the south. A view that was even separated into two by a slim metal bar. A heavy metal door in the opposite wall. Eight square meters total; a far cry from his apartment. The only thing that kind of seemed to match his previous lifestyle was the colour scheme; the grey and natural tones. Colours that represented him; his suit was orange. Just like Donna, he sighed. He had been in this cell for over a week now and it still felt as if the walls were coming towards him. As if they were closing in on him; he had also thought he was done with having panic attacks, but this change had triggered them all over again.
He had thought he had saved the day. Saved the firm. It had only required the one thing he had never anticipated to do. Stepping down. But to him it was a small price to pay, if stepping down meant taking Hardman out of the picture. If stepping down meant saving the firm, saving his home. His family. And he really thought he had done just that. That's of course until Mike got arrested for being a fraud.
After all these years of dodging the bullet, everything seemed to fall apart at now. Losing Donna was the first thing that went wrong. And by losing her he didn't only mean her leaving as his secretary, he had realised that now. That by Donna leaving him, he had lost his everything. Stepping down was the second thing to go wrong and Mike's arrest being the third but not the last thing that had happened. Ooh no, so much had happened since that particular night.
He had talked to Jessica that afternoon, told her he was stepping down. Leaving the frim. She didn't want to buy it, but his mind was set. Set until the older woman brought up Donna. "Have you told her?" she had asked him and he had let his head hang down. "No," he had mumbled, ashamed, he hadn't been able to tell her. "Harvey, if you don't go and tell her now, you'll regret this for the rest of your life," had been the last words the managing partner had said to him before she had left his office. He had swallowed taking another sip from his scotch as he looked around his soon to be ex office. Remembering how everything once used to be, his eyes lingered on the cubicle outside. Wishing things were how they once used to be, he had thought about Donna. Both Paula and Jessica's words in his mind he downed his glass of scotch finding the courage to do what he should have done in the first place. Tell her. Tell Donna.
He had gone to her apartment. Waited for her there. Knocking on the door so many times he had lost count. He then realized he wasn't even sure if she was actually there. Maybe she was with Mitchell for all he knew and maybe she didn't open on purpose, maybe she really wasn't there. He really didn't know and after an hour, the effect of his 12.000 dollar bottle of scotch run off, he had decided to just go home. Imagine his surprise when off all places that was where he saw her. Donna. Sitting in front of his fire place, a record softly playing, a glass of scotch on his table. He got stopped in his tracks and took in her figure for a while. Just appreciating the view before all hell broke loose. Something he was sure of that was about to happen.
"Donna," he had mumbled then, stepping towards her. His held hanging down, his hands in his pockets. After twelve years he didn't know how to act around her anymore. She moved her head up at the sound of his voice, slowly turning around to face him. He noticed her swollen eyes. Blood shot, he swallowed. She must have been crying. "Donna," he mumbled again, "I'm sorry," he started to apologize. "You quit!" she had shot back at him, "you left the firm without telling me," she had yelled stepping closer to him. Slapping him on his chest. "After everything... How couldn't you tell me," she had cried as Harvey struggled to keep her arms in place. To make her stop hitting him. He had finally managed by holding her arms against his chest in between them as he wrapped his arms around her. Holding her close, he had let her cry on his shoulder.
A couple of minutes had passed and he could feel her body relax in his arms. He had moved his hand towards her head, letting his fingers slipping through her hair. His hand caressing her cheek as he had made her look at him. He had wiped away her tears, swallowing at the sight in front of him. Cause this time it had been him who had made her cry. He had stared in her eyes and she had looked into his; both quiet. Leaving all the words to be said unspoken, she had leaned into him. Brought her lips towards his, kissed him. Instinctively he had answered her kiss. Something he had been wanting to do for over a decade, he had pulled her closer, his hands had caressed her back. His fingers had played with the tips of her hair. Her hands had held his face as she kept kissing him. Until she had pulled back. Stopped whatever was happening, he had seen the confusion in her face as she had walked away. And once again he had been frozen on the spot. Unable to move.
Not long after that Jessica had stormed into his house. Maybe it had been for the best that Donna had left or the managing partner had walked in on them. No, the thought to himself. Donna leaving again was never the best option. Ever. The older woman had told him about the devastated Rachel that had run to her office. How Mike had been arrested. Not even ten minutes had passed before the cops had shown up at his place too. Arresting him.
Everything that happened after that had felt surreal. As if he was dreaming; not conscious of the time. Of what was exactly happening. Looking back at it now, he must have had a panic attack at that exact moment. He wasn't sure what exactly triggered this one. Donna walking away after she had kissed him. Jessica telling him about Mike being arrested or him being arrested himself.
There wasn't even a real trial. There was no point. The opposing counsels had made their case and it was a no win situation. Even for the best closer in the city. Normally he would try to avoid court, winning by settlement was one of his signatures moves. But this time it didn't feel like it. They had offered him a deal and the only option for him was to accept it. Taking the blame, saving everyone else besides Mike involved. saving Jessica, Louis, Rachel but mostly Donna. He had mostly done it for her. Ten months was the deal.
Ten months and just moments after they had thrown him in that cell. This cell. The one he was currently in, it had happened all over again. A panic attack. Feeling the heavy concrete walls coming towards him. They had made him see the prison therapist; but the guy was just the worst. And if there was one thing he was sure of for the coming ten months was that he wasn't about to tell his entire story to yet another therapist. He might be in prison but he was still Harvey Specter and he could still pull some strings. Somehow he had managed for Dr. Agard to do his therapy sessions here.
She had asked why he thought the panic attacks had happened again. And like usual, she had managed to direct the conversation towards Donna again. It was always Donna. Dr. Agard had questioned him if they had talked. Talked about everything that had happened. Not only that particular night, but also why she had left him at the firm. But they hadn't talked, talking wasn't what they did and up till this day he was still confused about that kiss and why she left. She hadn't been at his hearing, at the deal and he wondered why. Donna being the primary reason he had excepted it in the first place.
Three days in and the panic attacks had finally seemed to stop. Only to be replaced by boredom. Unsure of what to do with his life. "Maybe you should write her," Paula had suggested and somehow that was what he had started doing. Writing letters, letters to Donna. The only person he wanted to write, the only person he memorized the address of. The address he had so desperately tried to forget twelve years ago, but had never managed to. He thought about how ironic it was, that his walls; the walls around his heart, the ones he had spent decades carefully constructing, had finally come down. Only to find himself in between four walls that weren't coming down any time soon.
"How are things at the firm?" he asked as Louis came to visit him.
"Though," Louis mumbled, "it was a big hit for the firm."
How's Donna? That's what he wanted to ask, but for once Louis could read his face before he had to speak. The bald lawyer let his head hang down, "she left," Louis told him, "Gretchen is working for me now."
"Ooh," Harvey mumbled, not sure what to think of it.
"Have you talked to her?" Louis asked him, referring to Donna.
"No," Harvey mumbled with a heavy heart.
"I'm sure she'll visit you soon," Louis told him.
"I hope," Harvey sighed.
Louis just nodded, swallowing in the 'I know she will'.
"Specter, follow," the guard said as he opened the cell door the next morning, "you have a visitor."
"Who?" Harvey asked, he wasn't really expecting anyone. Well Donna maybe, but he hadn't heard a word from he since their kiss, ten days ago. She hadn't answered his letters either.
"Can't say," he heard the guard continue as he was being guided towards the room.
"Where are we going?" Harvey questioned then as he noticed how they skipped the normal visitation room, but the guard didn't answer.
"Wait here," the guard finally said as he placed Harvey in a private room, "I'll get her."
Harvey eyed the room. Taking in the table and chairs, the couch and there was even a bed. The guards 'I'll get her' on repeat in his mind. He wondered if her meant Donna, but after Scottie showing up at his hearing 10 days ago he wouldn't be surprised is this was another one of her tricks. He just hoped it wasn't the case as he let his head hang down, waiting for the woman that was about to enter the room. A couple of minutes later the sound of heels on the floor echoed through the room. A sound of a particular way of walking that had been etched in his mind for over a decade now. It could only be one woman. He slowly lifted his head, his assumptions confirmed as he eyed the redhead in front of him. He smiled at her, not knowing what to say, cause all he ever wanted to say he had written her.
"Harvey," she greeted him, the sound of her voice sounding like a Christmas carol, warming his heart. He didn't realize until right now that she could do that to him. Melt his heart by purely saying his name.
"Hey," he mumbled back, a soft smile on his lips.
She demonstratively opened her purse then, reaching for the letters he had written her. She tossed them on the table in front of him. He swallowed at her movement, but soon realized that the letters had indeed been opened. All of them. Maybe she had read them too.
"Did you – " he started, but she cut him off.
"I did," she smiled, stepping closer to him. "But I'm not the inmate pen pal kind of woman," she commented as she pushed back his chair.
"Donna, I'm sorry," he started, but she made him stop talking. Pressing her index finger against his lips as she sat down on his lap. "Donna, what are you –" he mumbled.
"Shut up," she ordered as she kissed him softly then, but Harvey pulled back.
"Wait how did you even arrange this?" he asked pointing at the room around them.
"I know a guy," she whispered, "told him we are married."
"Married huh?" Harvey commented now placing his hands on her hips.
"Had to make something positive out of this situation," she argued as she removed his shirt, her hands tracing his muscles.
"How positive?" Harvey questioned a smirk smile on his face, his fingers moving up to her waist.
"Very positive," she answered as she kissed him again. "Conjugal visits," she whispered in his ear.
"Donna," Harvey whispered as he reached for her hand, both still heavily breathing.
"Harvey," she stopped him afraid of what he was going to say. "I can't wait for you," she whispered.
Harvey swallowed, letting his head hang down. "I know," he whispered. "I can't ask that from you," he told her as he watched her walk to the door.
"But I will," she mumbled looking over her shoulder one last time.
- The End.