This idea just gave me some really funny mental images. It's based off of a Tumblr post that I saw a while back. Enjoy!


Chapter One: In Which Harry Simultaneously Has the Worst and Weirdest Birthday of His Life

Harry Potter's twelfth birthday started off quite badly. At breakfast, he and Uncle Vernon got into an argument about Hedwig, Aunt Petunia sent him off to stay out of the way immediately after, and Dudley simply tried to harass Harry as much as possible. On top of all this, Harry hadn't had any word from the magical world, and he was going a little crazy.

Walking outside to go sit on the lawn, Harry wondered why none of his friends had owled him even though summer vacation was almost over. They had promised they would, hadn't they? Or had Hogwarts just been some strange dream of his? Harry honestly couldn't be sure at this point. He wished he had some word, just something other than some schoolbooks and memories to prove that it-and the magical world-was something other than fantasy.

The sun beat down on the land, and soon, Harry felt like he was just a raisin in the sun. He sat up and looked at the hedge in front of him, and oddly enough, the hedge looked back.

Harry blinked.

No, that wasn't his imagination. There actually was a pair of large, green eyes staring back at him from the hedge. And was that a pair of long arms resting on the ground in front of the hedge? Those hadn't been there before.

Before Harry could even move or say anything, the arms and the eyes disappeared with a pop, Dudley was coming to make fun of him, and before long, he had forgotten all about the strange encounter.


Harry, having prepared for Uncle Vernon's business dinner, walked upstairs to sulk on his bed, but when he got there, he realized that there was something already on it. A very strange something.

Said something looked rather like a tall, thin man, with long blond hair and large green eyes. The only thing separating him from being someone who all the girls would swoon over was his...interesting choice of clothing. Or rather, lack of clothing. The man (or whatever he was) was only wearing a large pillowcase, which barely covered him up.

As soon as he registered this, Harry yelped slightly and looked away. "Wha- er, hello?"

"Harry Potter! Long has Dobby wanted to meet you, sir, such an honor!" squeaked the something.

The voice of the something was surprising, to say the least. Harry expected the something to have a deep voice, something smooth, but instead, it squeaked. It was oddly high-pitched for something so large and handsome.

"Er, thanks," said Harry. "Uh, I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Just Dobby, sir. Dobby the house-elf," squeaked the something now known as Dobby.

"Er, okay. So, Dobby, what are you doing here? I don't mean to be rude, but now's not a really good time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom," said Harry, looking nervously at the door. Uncle Vernon laughed loudly downstairs; Harry supposed he'd just told his Japanese golfer joke.

At this, the elf looked incredibly sad, like someone had just kicked his puppy. His big green eyes welled up with tears. "Dobby has just… oh, Dobby just does not know where to begin!"

"Oh, well, why don't you sit down, then?" asked Harry.

Dobby promptly began to cry very noisily. "Sit down! Like an equal, he asks me to sit down! Oh, Harry Potter is truly great!" he wailed.

Harry hushed him quickly, looking nervously at the door again. He fought the bizarre urge to laugh, because seeing the elf with that body and that voice was just hilarious. "Like an equal? Well, then you can't have met many good wizards," he mused quietly, still a little worried that Uncle Vernon might have heard him.

Dobby shook his head a little, his long blond locks swishing behind him. Then, he promptly leapt up, surprising Harry because he hadn't realized just how tall the elf really was, and began banging his head on the window.

"What are you doing?" hissed Harry, springing up to pull Dobby back on to the bed. "Why did you do that?" he whisper-screamed.

"Dobby is sorry, Harry Potter sir, but Dobby had to punish himself because he almost spoke ill of his family!" squeaked Dobby.

His family? Hm, I'll have to ask Hermione about that when I get back to Hogwarts. Speaking aloud, Harry said, "Is there anything I can help you with? Like, I don't know, clothes?"

Dobby dissolved into fresh tears of gratitude. "Harry Potter is both good and great!"

"Shh!" said Harry. The talking downstairs seemed to falter a bit.

A little more quietly, Dobby said, "Dobby heard tell that Harry Potter escaped from the Dark Lord once last year. Oh, Harry Potter is valiant and bold! But Dobby has come to tell him, to warn him… Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts."

With this proclamation, Dobby's warning only escalated, and soon, Harry's mind was swimming. Not go back to Hogwarts? But I can't stay here! When Harry voiced this, and other concerns, Dobby tried to say something more, but had to punish himself again, and so on, and so forth. But the last straw was when Dobby smashed the lamp on his head and yelped, loudly, because that was when Uncle Vernon started coming upstairs.

"Quick! Hide!" hissed Harry, trying to spot a good place to put the elf. Considering that Dobby was about a foot and a half taller than him, and was very eye-catching, Harry had some trouble with this. Finally deciding on a spot, Harry shoved Dobby into his closet and shut the door, leaping onto the bed just as Uncle Vernon opened the door.

"What-the-devil-are-you-doing?" ground out Uncle Vernon. He was a horrifying shade of red; it seemed to Harry like he was going to pop an artery sometime soon. "One more sound, and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy!"

Harry sighed in relief after Uncle Vernon stomped from the room, only just then noticing that a bit of Dobby's hair was sticking out of the crack between the closet door and the wall.

Later, when things all went pear-shaped, Harry wished that he had caught Dobby earlier in the garden, or better yet, Dobby had never come at all. He didn't think seeing the elf crouched on top of the refrigerator like some kind of monkey was worth the punishment he got later- even that hilarious image wasn't worth being locked in his room with bars on the window and a cat flap on the door.


I know that I'm sticking really closely to canon right now, but it will (hopefully) diverge more later. For now, I'm just setting things up. This will be multi-chapter, but I don't know when my next update will be, sorry. But anyway, hope you liked it!