4"Good evening!"
"Why, you must be Gandalf! You made such wonderful fireworks when I was a fauntling! Please, please, come in! I'm sure you'll be happy to hear I've kept up with my adventuring, oh goodness me yes. My husband and I- please, sit. Tea? My husband and I only just came back from visiting the Grey Mountains the other day-"
Thorin stomps into the parlor.
"Ghivashel, have we guests? It is not that Lobelia woman is-"
Thorin stops dead in the threshold, a brightly floral dishcloth in one hand, half-dried teacup in the other.
He stares at Gandalf.
Terror dawns.
Gandalf stares at Thorin.
The twinkle in his eyes has gone manic.
Bilbo is oblivious, putting snacks on the table.
"Now it isn't much, but I've got some cold cuts, and a few biscuits, and I think the cheddar could come out, if that's alright with you, Gandalf?"
"Splendid, my dear hobbit! I daresay this is a feast fit for a king!"
Thorin sends majestic Eyebeams of Death.
"Oh, you flatter me! Gandalf- this is my husband, Thorin. He's a blacksmith, you know. Oh, how the Shire was thrown into a tizzy! 'Throwing the Baggins name at a common blacksmith,' they said! 'What a waste,' they said! Well, I didn't mind one bit, no I did not! Put that towel down, dearest, and come meet Gandalf. He's a Wizard!"
Thorin edges to the room. He does not put down the towel. The towel is, in fact, being held in front of him like a rather soggy shield. He gives what might, possibly, be the smallest of nods.
"Thorin Baggins."
The unsaid 'at your service' becomes a fourth awkward member of the party.
"Thorin... Thorin... That name sounds familiar."
"It is a common name."
"It has a majestic ring to it!"
"If you say so."
Thorin glares. Gandalf looks utterly sincere. Bilbo happily eats everyone else's portions.
"Well, I am glad to hear you're still an adventurer, Bilbo. To rudely get straight to the heart of the matter, I've come hoping to convince you to join a quest! All the way beyond the Misty Mountains to an abandoned kingdom: Erebor!"
Thorin's teacup cracks in half.
"Perhaps you have heard of it, master dwarf!"
"I came to the Shire from the west."
(Technically, this is true. And he came to the west from Erebor)
"I suppose you'd love to see it, though?"
Thorin's eyes suddenly go as misty as the mountains, and he stares into the distance, presenting Bilbo with a tragic yet noble profile, the likes of which he hasn't seen for years.
"We'd be delighted," says Bilbo. "Thorin, do you know where I put my pack? And my good weatherproof cloak, musn't forget that this time-"
"It is farther than we have gone before, Bilbo and myself."
"Well, you won't go alone! You'll have a kingly company!"
Death glare to eleven.
"You and Bilbo will make fourteen! Our noble-"
Death glare.
"- group includes the princess of Ered Luin's own sons-"
Horrific strangled noises.
"Dear, are you alright? You must have swallowed something wrong."
Bilbo pats Thorin on the back, a bit harder than actually necessary. Thorin is never good with guests- neither is Bilbo- but tonight's manners have earned a few scathing remarks as soon as Gandalf leaves.
Thorin continues hacking. Gandalf continues beaming. Bilbo continues pretending he believes that something went down the wrong pipe. Thorn hasn't eaten a single thing since he entered the room.
"Do you know the princes, Mr. Thorin?"
Thorin has progressed to silent wheezing, so Bilbo answers for him.
"You know we don't have royalty in the Shire, Gandalf, unless you want to count the Thain (my grandfather, I might say). And that has been enough for Thorin and I! He was quite enough in awe when he met the Thain, and Elrond, who is really only a lord."
(By "in awe" he means "dead silent." For the Thain, because he was trying to impress his fiancee's head of the maternal clan. For Elrond because he was trying to refrain from kicking the snooty elf-lord's kneecaps.)
"Splendid, splendid! Then it shall be quite the enlightening experience for everyone, won't it?"
Thorin has stopped choking to death and is back to trying to commit Maia-cide through his eyes.
"Well! I believe I've intruded on your hospitality long enough! Mr. Baggins. Mr. Baggins. A pleasant evening to the both of you."
"Oh, must you go so soon?" says Bilbo, for the sake of manners.
"Never fret, I shall return! It is always good to learn what people have been up to, and I have been royally entertained! Good evening!"
Gandalf ducks out the front door.
Bilbo turns to Thorin.
"Well! What wonderful news, eh Thorin? Thorin?"
Author's Note: All the thanks to Lindzzz (for the initial inspiration and her hilarious brainstorming) and Ranubis (for the chats and advice).