Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV
Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.
Excuse Me, Excuse Me…
I guess I'll have to be direct
If you're gonna' stand on my neck
Then you'd better check under the sea
Cause that is where you'll find me
Underneath the Sealab!
Underneath the water
At the bottom of the Sea!
Episode 1-14: The Feast of Alvis
Date: Saturday, November 7th, 2021
"Long ago, on a frosty winter's night, a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party, called Delia, was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely."
"And on this frosty winter's night, Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers to give them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But, due to an outbreak of syphilis there among the soldiers, the hospital was full."
"And so there in the stable among the feed and tack and the, um, the, uh... whatsits, Delia gave birth to a son, who she called Alvis, as was her won't. And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided that the birth of this child among them must truly be a miracle! And it was so, for above the fort, there suddenly appeared an awesome and mighty comet!"
"And so brilliant was its light that there came from all the tribes which the soldiers had not yet decimated, Shamans! And they rode upon buffalo, as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts; offerings of whiskey and firearms. And when the shaman saw the child, they were in awe, for the he glowed in a light which was truly not of this world, so..."
"So," a stage-woman began. "So does little Cody glow by himself!?" Captain Murphy asked the stage-woman, named Shawna. "Herself, and no, she doesn't," Shawna replied. "So plop her in there with the light bulbs underneath!" Murphy said. "Light bulbs are dangerous!" Shawna protested. "Oh, please, the swaths of clothes are asbestos!" Murphy retorted.
"Asbestos!?" Shawna replied, aghast. "And her pistol's just a little twenty-two, couldn't hurt a flea," Murphy said as Shawna retreated with her child. "Dammit, we'll have to use that electronic baby I stole from the high school," Murphy said to himself. Over by one of the ladders, Janet Barch turned her head and raised an eyebrow.
"Skinny, did you you hear what I just heard?" Janet and Timothy O'Neill. While both of them were teachers at the New Lawndale High School, only Janet Barch was a member of the Sealab Maintenance Crew, being the head of maintenance for pods 01-04, answering only to Lieutenant Commander Marco Marquez.
Murphy had convinced her to help set up stage decorations for his little holiday scene, with O'Neill being dragged in because of cultural studies or something like that. He was also fond of helping out with anything that involved stage props and theater work of any kind, so Captain Murphy was easily able to manipulate O'Neill into helping out, thus providing Barch with a reason to stick around.
Just as O'Neill was about to ask Barch what she had heard, one of the doors to the bridge slid open and Captain Shanks walked in. He was carrying several large empty containers, and he seemed to be looking at the buffet table with eager eyes. "Jackpot," he whispered to himself before he saw Captain Murphy talking to himself while Shawna quickly walked past him, clutching her daughter tightly to her chest as she exited the bridge.
"Hey, Murphy!" Captain Shanks said as he walked over to the older man. "Good to see you and the others alive again!" Shanks said to him. "Uh... yeah, sure," Murphy said, somewhat confused by Shanks' statement. "Well, anyway, I heard that you had a buffet up here, so I figured I'd check it out. I'm just gonna grab some food and then I'll be out of your way," Shanks said as he walked over to a work bench and placed his containers on a cart before wheeling it over to the buffet table.
Just then, one of the bridge doors opened as Daria Morgendorffer and Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Which is precisely why you should never mix those two chemicals together. Do you understand?" Dr. Quinn asked Daria. "Um, sure," Daria replied, having stopped listening to Dr. Quinn's lecture about an hour after he'd started repeating himself. She'd found it amusing at first, but it had quickly become annoying.
"Oh, finally! With the way that you weren't responding earlier, I was afraid that I'd gotten you confused," Dr. Quinn said with sincerity. Daria mentally slapped herself. I could've avoided all of that headache if I'd just replied to him earlier, she noted ruefully.
"Oh, not this again," Quinn said as he looked around the room. "Um, Captain, what is going on here?" Daria asked Murphy. "Ah, Lieutenant Morgendorffer, it's the annual Feast of Alvis!" Murphy replied joyously. Daria raised an eyebrow. "The feast of who?" she asked him. "Alvis! The holiest man to ever swig whiskey and shoot a colt!" Murphy explained.
"Preach it!" Stormy said with a grin. "Besides, the people of other faiths get to celebrate their stuff! Remember when we had that feast for those, uh, Krebs or Shriekahs who were feasting?" Murphy asked. "They were fasting!" Quinn replied. "And there were plenty of leftovers!" Murphy retorted. "And don't forget about that Crimbus thing that those Timericsonians were celebrating with that thing they attached to their heads!" Murphy added. Quinn sighed.
"Captain, the last time you did this, you ended up with a concussion," Quinn said with a tone of mild disappointment. "What's your point?" Murphy asked him. "My point is that we've had this discussion before, Captain. Alvis time is frowned upon by much of the crew," Quinn replied.
"Um, why, exactly?" Daria asked. "Well, first of all, Alvis was a drunk redneck who shot anyone who disagreed with him and humped anything that moved," Sparks explained as he walked over to the group, sipping a soda. "Sparks, you're walking!" Quinn exclaimed.
"Um, yeah. What about it?" he asked. "Well... I've just never seen you get out of that chair," Quinn replied sheepishly. Shanks walked over to them with five large containers full of food on top of a cart, including ribs, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, polish and Italian sausages, deep fried steak and fried chicken.
"Hey, thanks for the food! I'll be going back to my cabin now," Shanks said as he left the bridge. "It's good to see most of them alive again," Shanks said as he ate an Italian sausage while pushing the cart. "Shame that I'm the only one who ever notices these things, though," he said to himself.
Back on the bridge, Murphy was discussing Alvis with the crew. "Once, while leading a group of cowboys on a path to greener pastures, he waved his hands and parted the Rio Grande! He's a miraculous miracle incarnate!" "Ha," Sparks said flatly. "Ha? What's that supposed to mean?" Murphy asked him. "Please, parting the Rio Grande and a miracle birth? It's a fairy-tale," Sparks said.
"Oh yeah? Well here's a non-fairy-tale: You're fired!" Murphy retorted angrily. "You can't fire someone based on religious grounds!" Quinn exclaimed. "Well, what about my religious liberty or my freedoms!?" Murphy asked him. "Religious liberty doesn't give you the right to fire someone just because they don't follow your religion, nor does it give someone the right to fire you if your lifestyle is frowned upon by their own religious beliefs," Quin explained in a frustrated manner.
Hearing the way that the two men spoke gave Daria the feeling that this kind of situation had happened before. "Yeah, and how can you worship that guy anyway!? He killed a man!" Sparks exclaimed. "Sparks, you aren't help-" "Hey, only for revenge," Murphy replied. Quinn's words were ignored. "'Vengeance is mine!' Quoth Alvis. Then he shot that guy right in the freaking face!" Murphy exclaimed.
"He was a drunk and a criminal!" Sparks retorted. Like you're one to talk, at least about the criminal part, Daria thought as she listened to the men argue. "Blasphemer! Alvis was the holiest man ever slap iron! He killed for your sins!" Murphy exclaimed.
"Most religions think Alvis's love of liquor and guns and revenge were, well..." "Creepy?" Daria suggested. "Sort of," Quinn replied. "Oh yeah? Well maybe most religions can hash it out in Hell for all eternity!" Murphy replied. "Alvis will smote those bitches!" Stormy commented proudly.
"Actually, you mean to say that Alvis will smite those bitches," O'Neill said, before his eyes widened at the realization of the words that had left his mouth. "Skinny!" Barch blurted out in shock. Daria stared at O'Neill in disbelief. Her literature teacher, a man easily brought to tears by dark poetry and foul language, had just said 'bitches' without a second thought, and while explaining grammar to boot.
"I... I-I was, I was just... I only..." O'Neill was on the verge of tears now. "All right! Come on O'Neill, preach the word of Alvis!" Stormy said. "I wasn't preaching," O'Neil whispered quietly, with only Janet Barch being close enough to hear him.
"Shut up, Stormy," Sparks said. "Besides, Malkans don't believe in Hell," Sparks added with a smirk. "You're a witch!?" Murphy asked him, clearly aghast. "Malk is not about witchcraft! It's about swindling and-" "Oh, no, no! You're fired! Get on your broom and get out of here!" Murphy told him.
"Captain, you can't fire someone based on religious grounds!" Quinn repeated, again to his growing frustration. Just then, Amy and Debbie walked onto the bridge, followed by Marco and Jane. "-want you here again?" Debbie asked Amy. "He said he needed help with some lights," Amy said to Debbie before they stopped and looked at the sets and props around them. "Lights for-oh, great. It's just like three years ago," Debbie said as she looked around the bridge.
"And don't let Marco catch you on the way out! Thanics freak out about witches and crap," Murphy said to him. "Who are you calling Thonic?" Marco asked him. "Well, you! I mean, you're a Spaniard and-" "Oh, that does it!" Marco interjected. "Captain, I am not from Spain! And not all Hispanic people are Cathonic!" he shouted.
"Wait, does this mean there are a whole bunch of non-Alvians on the station!?" Stormy asked in surprise and anger. "It seems that there are!" Murphy shouted. "Damn them!" Stormy growled angrily. "I'll go round them up, and then we can teach them the true meaning of Alvis!" Stormy said as he ran out of the room, drinking a full bottle of bourbon.
"Come on, O'Neill!" Stormy said as he jogged back into the room to grab O'Neill. "But, I don't want to hurt anybody," O'Neill protested. "But a few minutes ago you were preaching the word of Alvis!" Stormy said. "No, I was correcting your grammar," O'Neill retorted.
"Huh?" Stormy asked him. "You see, you used the word 'smote' in a future tense manner, while the word itself is past-tense. The correct word to use in your sentence should have been 'smite' as that carries the proper future-tense meaning. Do you understand what I'm saying?" O'Neill asked Stormy. "You're saying... that the time for Alvis to smite people was in the past, but now it's time for his followers to smite people in the future! I got it!" Stormy said as he turned around and rushed out of the room.
"Wait, that's not what I meant!" O'Neill called out. "Come on, Janet! We have to stop him before he hurts somebody!" O'Neill said as he pulled Barch along and they both exited the bridge in pursuit of Stormy. "Skinny, slow down!" Barch cried as the door closed.
"Um, what the hell was that all about?" Jane asked Daria. "Something extremely stupid, trust me," Daria said just as Hesh walked over to the group. "Captain, Hesh ain't feeling so well! Someone crapped the buffet table!" Hesh said before puking his guts out. "Oh, that's just lovely," Murphy grumbled.
"Say, where's Tom?" Daria asked Jane. "He's on his way. He just got held up by his parents this morning because they found me in bed with him," Jane said with a proud smirk on her face. "What? They didn't know that you two were, you know... screwing?" Daria asked her.
"Hmm, I don't know. I think it has more to do with me not being a rich girl than anything else, especially since we've been going out for so long. I guess they thought that I was just a fling or something for him until he found someone who happens to be more upper-class." "Because there are non-Alvians tainting the food!" they heard Murphy shout.
"No, there really does appear to be contamination of some kind. Look at all of the people throwing up!" Quinn said, pointing at the various people on the bridge who were doubled over and crying as their stomachs rebelled against them. "Oh god! What did I bleaaarrrggh!" Upchuck cried as he performed his nickname. "Um, what is Upchuck doing here anyway?" Jane asked.
"He's part of the stage crew for the set!" Murphy replied. "Now, Jane, didn't you say that you'd make a painting for this occasion?" Murphy asked her. "Um, you asked me if I could paint something, but you weren't very specific about it. In fact, you weren't very coherent either. I think you were drunk," Jane replied.
"I was getting into the Alvistide spirit!" Murphy declared with a smile. "Help me! Someone, help me!" Upchuck cried. "Father, help me!" he rasped with a hand in the air. "I'll go take him to Dr. Virjay," Debbie said as she walked over and dragged Upchuck out of the room.
"Captain, those rafters and lights don't look very stable," Jane said as she stared at the sets that had been built on the bridge. "Oh, those are fine! Besides, I called you here to paint, not to build stuff," Murphy retorted.
"Well, what exactly did you want me to paint?" Jane asked him. "I wish for you to paint the holy gunslinger Alvis! Alvians don't have a problem with images of their holy people, unlike some religions," Murphy said. "Um, right. What did he look like?" Jane asked him. "Well, I want you to draw him as a baby," Murphy explained.
"Sounds simple enough," Jane replied. "Yep. Draw him the way he was born... with a cowboy hat on his head, a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a Colt .45 in the other, staring down death in the face and daring it to take him!" Murphy said with a maniacal grin. "Huh?" Jane asked him.
Meanwhile, in some other part of Sealab...
"You know, you don't have to follow me," Tom Sloane said to his younger sister, Elsie. "It was requested by Mother that I do so," Elsie responded through her voice modulator. "I know that Mom is having some... odd feelings regarding me and Jane, especially since she and Dad don't actually seem to agree with each other this time, but just because she says it might be nice to spend time with me doesn't mean that she wants you to follow me around all day," Tom said.
"Besides, I'm going to see Jane on the bridge, where a lot of people will be located. I'm not sure that all of them will be immune to your voice. I know that Daria and Jane will be immune, since they've spent enough time around you, but the others... well, I'm don't want to take that risk. It's better if you spend time with someone else," Tom said.
"Jane has become immune to my voice through repeatedly having relations with you, dear brother," Elsie replied. "What? I thought that she simply spent enough time around you to become immune," Tom said in response. Up ahead, he saw Mack McKenzie and Jodie Landon walking together. "No. By being physically intimate with a member of our family, she has become permanently immune to my voice. Just as I had slipped my tongue into Daria's mouth to ensure her continued immunity after the incident with Val, you have slipped your tongue and more into her, and not just in her mouth," Elsie said.
Tom's eyes had widened. "You... kissed Daria?" he asked, ignoring the other things his sister had said. "Yes. While I had used my voice to strike down that vapid shallow consumerist whore, I had forgotten about Daria's presence momentarily, and I wished to ensure that she would not suffer," Elsie explained. "But, Daria is naturally immune to your voice, just like her aunt. Remember when they both heard it by accident when they first met you and neither of them suffered?"
"Daria and her aunt are indeed immune naturally, but I had forgotten that fact, so I attempted to be safe. Better safe than sorry, correct?" Elsie asked her brother. He nodded in reply. "There, so a quick lip-lock session ensued," Elsie said.
"Um... so, a quick kiss and that was that?" Tom asked. "Goodness, no! I slipped her the tongue! She seemed appreciate it, especially if her-" "Okay, I've heard plenty. I get it. You kissed a girl and you liked it," Tom said, rolling his eyes. "I enjoyed it, yes, but no more than when I kiss a boy," Elsie replied.
"You've kissed a boy? Who was it?" Tom asked, becoming slightly protective of his sister. "I believe his name was... Steve? There are a lot of guys named Steve in this place, especially at New Fielding and New Lawndale," Elsie replied thoughtfully.
"Um... sure," Tom replied, having met at least eight different Steves in just the first month of living in Sealab. "So, anyway-" "Although, I am certain that your three-ways with Daria and Jane have most certainly ensured dual immunity for both of them," Elsie interrupted, just as they got within earshot of Jodie and Mack.
Both of them turned around to stare at Tom and Elsie. Mack gave him a thumbs-up, while Jodie just stared at him. "Um... hi, Mack. Hi, Miss Landon. Nice... um, hair?" Tom said nervously. "No, I will not get my father to give you a free folding coffee mug," Jodie said almost reflexively. "Huh? I, um, didn't say anything about coffee mugs," Tom replied.
"Oh. Force of habit," Jodie replied sheepishly. "So, um, you were saying-" "In the name of Alvis!" they heard being shouted from the corridor ahead of them. "What the?" Jodie asked as she turned around and saw Stormy heading their way. He had a crazed look in his eye, and he had a large pipe in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other. He waved the pipe around crazily and violently.
"Is that Stormy?" Mack asked. "Smiting to the non-believers!" Stormy shouted before he stopped just a foot shy of the group. "Young Mack, does thou profess the love of whiskey and scotch!?" Stormy asked him with a smile. "Um... what?" Mack asked him, very confused. "Do you follow the ways of Alvis?" Stormy asked him.
"Who?" Mack asked. "Blasphemer!" Stormy shouted as he swung the pipe at Mack's stomach, causing the young man to double over in pain. "Mack! What the hell, you asshole!?" Jodie exclaimed. Stormy raised his pipe in the air with both hands and hollered at the top of his lungs in a manner not un-similar to that of Tarzan, before switching to a shout that was very reminiscent of Tatooine's Tusken Raiders, albeit with an inebriated tone.
"Who else dares to disgrace the sacred fountain of bullets and booze that is the life and way of Alvis!?" Stormy asked almost incoherently. "Brother, help Jodie cover the ears of the one named McKenzie. I shall dispose of this threat," Elsie said in an authoritative tone. "Jodie, cover your ears, quickly!" Tom said as he pulled a package of earplugs out of his pocket.
"Put these in your ears, and put some in Mack's!" Tom said as he watched Elsie slowly detach her voice modulator in a manner similar to a Yautja [Predator] unmasking itself when facing a worthy foe [Austrian muscle-builders]. "Elsie is going to unleash her voice! You must wear these or else you'll go insane from hearing it!" Tom said frantically as Elsie removed the final part of her modulator.
Jodie had just managed to fit both earplugs into Mack's ears when Elsie spoke. "Foolish mortal, relinquish your weapon and heed my words. Your beliefs a flawed an lack logic and reason! Throw away your foolish goal and accept... uh, Humanism, I guess? Maybe Pastafarianism? At least choose something considerably less stupid than Alvis," Elsie said with her arms spread in a wide and dramatic gesture.
"I don't understand anything you just said, but it sure made me angry!" Stormy exclaimed with a cross-eyed look on his face. "No! He's too stupid for my voice to work on him!" Elsie exclaimed in realization. "Now, face the mighty smiting wrath of... face the wrath of... face... face the... I... oh... I don't... I... eeeaaaaaarrrrghhhh!" Stormy cried as blood began to seep from his nose, mouth, ears, and eyes. His eyes then rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the floor, screaming, "Whhyyyyyyyyyy!?" He was then silent.
Meanwhile, Janet Barch was lying on the floor in a fetal position, with only one earplug in an ear, while Timothy O'Neill had suffered the same effect as Stormy, only his screams had been silent. Janet made a gurgling sound as she clawed at the floor.
"Uh-oh," Jodie said as she pointed at the quivering and shuddering bodies of Janet Barch and Timothy O'Neill on the floor. "Oh shit!" Tom exclaimed. It was then that he noticed that Jodie had not used any earplugs. She also had not been affected by Elsie's voice. Tom knew that there were some individuals with a natural immunity to Elsie's voice, such as Daria and her aunt, but Tom had never seen Jodie interact with his sister before now.
"Jodie... how are you immune to my sister's voice?" Tom asked her. Jodie gulped. "Um... well, you see, a few weeks ago, she and I bumped into each other in the hallway and... um... she drugged me! She drugged me, and that machine was awesome!" Jodie exclaimed with a red face of embarrassment.
"M-Machine?" Tom asked her. "Yes," Elsie said as she finished reattaching her voice modulator. "I shared with her the joys of my sy-" "What happened out here!?" shouted David Van Driessen as he entered the corridor. "Um... Stormy got into a fight with Miss Barch, and Mack and O'Neil tried to break it up, but Stormy beat them both, and he and Barch had really violent fight!" Jodie lied on the spot.
"Jodie..." Van Driessen said, "Miss Barch doesn't look very bruised or injured. I'm not as oblivious to the obvious as some individuals, and while I may humor my students at times in order to make things easier for them, I certainly do not think that this is an appropriate time to do so. Now, please, tell me the truth," David requested.
"I used my voice to quell the violent rage of Lieutenant Derek Waters, for he was being a religious extremist, not to mention a drunken asshole," Elsie explained calmly. "Oh, Elsie...you know that you aren't supposed to use your real voice in a public area like this. Was Stormy really violent enough to warrant it?" David asked her. "Look at Mr. McKenzie," Elsie said as she pointed at the young man still lying down.
"My stomach hurts," Mack groaned out while Jodie rubbed his back gently.
"That's not a Colt .45!" Murphy exclaimed. "I'm... not exactly familiar with the more intimate details of different guns," Jane said. "Okay, just... draw the shamans on their buffalo as they traveled to Fort Klugman," Murphy said. "Their... buffalo?" Jane asked. "Yes. It was their heathen custom to travel on buffalo while carrying whiskey and firearms! Don't you kids learn anything in school?" Murphy retorted.
"Captain MURPHY!" Commander DeMartino said as he entered the bridge. "When you said that you were throwing together a LITTLE celebration, I sort of ASSUMED that it was going to be, oh, what's the word? LITTLE!" DeMartino exclaimed. "Oh, relax. I've got Stormy outside smiting all of the non-Alvians, so we don't have to worry about anyone making fun of the size of the decorations," Murphy replied.
One of DeMartino's eyes almost popped out of his head. "WHAT did you JUST SAY!?" he demanded. "You think I should have done it myself? I guess Stormy is rather inept at this kind of thing," Murphy replied thoughtfully. "What the HELL is WRONG with YOU!?" DeMartino screamed at him. "Look, cheese logs!" Murphy said, pointing at the buffet table.
"That won't work on me THIS TIME!" DeMartino replied. "I've TRAINED myself to RECOGNIZE the DELICIOUS AROMA of the LIFE-GIVING snack known as the CHEESE LOG! I do NOT smell that ANYWHERE in HERE!" DeMartino explained. This time? So, Captain Murphy has tried to use Commander DeMartino's weakness against him before, Daria thought as she listened to DeMartino yelling at Murphy.
"Now, I know for a fact that sending out subordinates to perform religious bigotry is clearly a violation of the Sealab charter, not to mention an abuse of power," DeMartino said. "What's your point?" Murphy asked him. "Don't bother trying to reason with him, Commander," Quinn said as he walked over.
Over at Sparks' console, Dr. Virjay's face showed up. "Um, I am running out of room in my infirmary for all of the people who have been sickened by the bad food. Is Captain Murphy trying to throw another Alvis time celebration?" Virjay asked. "Yes, unfortunately," Sparks replied. "I only hope that I have a spare bed for him when he arrives, as he inevitably will," Virjay said before hanging up.
A few minutes later, Tom and Elsie Sloane entered the bridge. "Tom!" Jane called out with a smile. "I was beginning to think that you wouldn't make it," she said as she walked over to him. "Where is the beautiful one? I mean, where is Daria?" Elsie asked with a blush. Jane raised an eyebrow.
"Daria's... over at her work station," Jane said. Elsie quickly walked over to Daria's station and began conversing with her. Jane looked at Tom. "So, what happened to you on the way here?" Jane asked Tom. "We were accosted by... Stormy. Elsie used her voice to neutralize him," Tom explained.
"Hmm, was anyone else within earshot of her?" Jane asked. "Only Jodie Landon, Mack McKenzie, Miss Barch and Mister O'Neil," Tom replied. "Oh no. Jodie and Mack...are they okay?" Jane asked. "Actually, they're fine. Jodie managed to get a pair of earplugs into Mack's ears before Elsie could speak, and apparently Elsie has spent some... "quality time" with Jodie at some point," Tom said, making quotes in the air with his fingers.
"Elsie... with Jodie Landon? When? How?" Jane asked. "I have no idea, but apparently it involved some kind of... machine that... makes women feel good," Tom replied, not entirely comfortable thinking about his sister's sex life. "Oh, wow," Jane said with wide eyes. "That's... um, uh, I don't know what to say," she added.
Just then, there was a creaking noise. "Hey, do you hear that?" Tom asked. "Hear what?" Jane asked him. "That," Tom said as the creaking noise got louder, along with a buckling sound as something snapped. A light fell to the floor and broke. "The set pieces! They're unstable and the electric equipment is going haywire!" Amy cried out after unsuccessfully trying to unplug everything. She gave up and proceeded to gather everyone away form the bridge.
"No! The feast of Alvis must go on!" Murphy declared. Everyone left the bridge as one of the props of a buffalo caught on fire, and several metal rods came falling down around the place. The eggnog on the main table was untouched, but the buffet had been ruined even further.
"Wait," Daria said as she turned around to see Captain Murphy sobbing. "Captain Murphy, we need to get out of here! This place is dangerous!" she called out to him. Murphy didn't seem to hear her. "Captain, please! You can't stay in here! Captain!" Daria called out as a light exploded and a bar fell down to the floor.
"Come on, Captain!" Commander DeMartino called out. "No, just leave me! Let me be!" Murphy cried out after he got hit in the head with a falling light. "Oh, why did this happen again!?" he cried as he soon found himself alone on the bridge.
As he looked on with despair at the ruined celebration of his feast, he heard a sound and looked to see a shimmering figure appear in the air before him. Dressed up in pioneer-era military clothing with two holstered revolvers at his side was a man with short black hair and a mustache, along with a light glowing from behind him and a halo around his head. "Al-Alvis?" Murphy asked reverently. The apparition smirked and nodded his head.
"Alvis! Alvis, I always believed in you! But, the celebration! The feast in your honor! It was all ruined by the heathens!" Murphy exclaimed. Alvis shook his head. "Naw. My faithful follower, you are forgetting the true meaning of Alvis time!" Murphy raised his head and his eyes widened.
"The... the true meaning?" Murphy asked him. "Neither is it ham nor pomp. Nay, the true meaning of Alvis time is drinking! Drinking... and revenge," Alvis said with a southern accent that carried sweetly through the air to Murphy's ears. "Well, uh, I have some eggnog, but I don't think it's enough to get really loaded," Murphy said.
"Crap screamer!?" Alvis asked. "More of a liquor," Murphy explained. "Behold," Alvis said as he waved an arm. The eggnog magically transformed into a dozen bottles of whiskey before Murphy's eyes. "It's a miracle! Truly, an Alvis time miracle!" Murphy declared happily.
"Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk! Then we will find and beat the asses of the non-believers who ruined my feast!" Alvis said. "Especially whoever crapped the buffet!" Murphy added. "No, no sir, that was me," Alvis admitted. "Alvis bless us, everyone!" Murphy said sincerely. "Damn straight he does," Alvis said.
And then Murphy's world went black.
"Oh good, you're awake," Dr. Virjay said. Murphy slowly rose up from the bed inside the infirmary. "W-Wha? What happened?" he asked. "You had a concussion. Luckily for you, Lieutenant Morgendorffer and Commander DeMartino decided to haul your fat ass all the way here from the bridge," Dr. Virjay said.
"But, what about Alvis? He and I were drinking! And there was a buffalo on fire! And I heard angels singing!" Murphy said. "Hmm, yes, that is quite indicative of a hallucination caused by a concussion mixed with alcohol and a light amount of psychotropic drugs. There were mushrooms growing underneath some of the food in your buffet," Virjay said.
"Oh no!" Murphy declared as he laid back down. "My faith was unrewarded!" "As most faiths usually are," Daria said as she stepped into view. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, why are you here?" Murphy asked. "Closure. I needed to make sure I actually was able to save someone's life, especially after some confusing nightmares I had this week about a giant spider shrimp monster running loose in Sealab," Daria said.
"Uh, a what?" Murphy asked. "I don't get it either," Daria said with a shrug. "Oh my stomach," they heard Captain Shanks moan from another bed. "Shanks?" Murphy asked. "Yup. Turns out I never even got to finish the food from your buffet. That stuff was poisoned or something!" Shanks said.
"Well, I'd better get going," Daria said as she turned to leave. "I have a special bonding session with Tom and Jane tonight, and it's going to be quite exhausting," she finished. "Um... a what?" Murphy asked her. "An orgy. I'm having a three-way orgy with Tom and Jane," Daria said as she left the room.
"Man... I must still be high from those ribs!" Shanks said as he laid back down. "No... no, I think that actually happened," Murphy said. "Oh," replied Shanks. "Well, roll credits," Shanks said.
Ending Line Break
Ending Theme: You're Standing On My Neck, by Splendora. You know where it's from.
Captain Murphy as Captain Jean Luc Picard.
Stacey Rowe as a Viking warrior.
Daria Morgendorffer as Ellen Ripley [Nostromo uniform and flamethrower].
Jane Lane as Lara Croft.
Quinn Morgendorffer as She-Ra.
Captain Shanks as Captain Kirk [post-The Voyage Home Movie era].
Amy Barksdale and Jodene Sparks as Mr. & Mrs. Smith [Amy with pants and Jodene with dress].
Janet Barch as Pinhead [Hellraiser].
Timothy O'Neill as Shinji Ikari [any incarnation of Evangelion].
Elsie Sloane as the Metatron [from DOGMA].
Tom Sloane as Isamu Dyson [From Macross Plus]
Anthony DeMartino as John McClane [Die Hard With a Vengeance appearance].
Michael "Mack" McKenzie as Agent J.
Jodie Landon as Priss Asagiri [From Bubblegum Crisis - original OVA].
David Van Driessen as Tommy Chong [just... Tommy Chong, man].
Angela Li as Daria Morgendorffer [Didn't expect THAT ONE, did ya!?].
Derek "Stormy" Waters as a brain surgeon.
Kevin Thompson as Kenny McCormick.
Brittany Taylor as Motoko Kusanagi [Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex].
Beavis and Butthead as God and Adam from that Michelangelo painting.
Quentin Q. Quinn as Lavernius Tucker [Red vs. Blue].
Debbie Dupree as a Playboy playmate.
Tommy Sherman as Robocop [the original one].
Jamie White as a scientist at NASA.
Jeffy and Joey as Tom and Jerry.
Jake and Helen Morgendorffer and Red and Kitty Forman [That 70's Show].
Dr. Virjay as Ashley J. Williams.
Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III as Son Goku [Do I really need to explain that one?].
Tiffany Blum-Deckler as Mikasa Ackerman [Attack On Titan].
Sandi Griffin as Wendy Testaberger [South Park].
Linda Griffin as a Ghostbuster.
Hesh Hepplewhite as Betelgeuse [Say his name three times. I dare ya].
Marco Marquez as Batman [1989 Movie version].
Kay Sloane as Catwoman [Michelle Pfeiffer version].
Angier Sloane as Cornholio.
Claire Defoe as Jane Lane.
Diane Bennett as Wonder Woman.
Debbie Love as Princess Leia [The Empire Strikes Back attire].
Vincent and Amanda Lane as Korben Dallas and Leeloo [The Fifth Element].
Andrea as Lydia Deetz.
Trent Lane as Shotaro Kaneda [From AKIRA].
Jessie Moreno as Snake Plissken.
Well, here it is. The season finale of Season One. I hope you all had fun reading this.
See you later, space cowboys and cowgirls.