A/N: For Siiillltt for convincing me with their review to write another chapter. I have some ideas for where ths could go, but I'm not exactly good at writing long stories since I suck at commitment, but hopefully you like this addition. Leave me areview, feed the dragon... maybe I'll make this into something yet...
It wasn't until Renesmee found herself back at her hotel suite later in the wee hours of the morning and she let her head rest on the immaculately fluffed pillows of the expensive room that she felt anything. But after a few minutes too long without being able to fall asleep and being too tightly wrapped in the soft, warm blankets she felt herself struggling. She was too warm, too comfortable, it was too dark in the room. She struggled out falling off the bed in her urgency to get away from the blankets which seemed to vice around every part of her like snakes.
His face haunted her in the darkness. Like it did every time she closed her eyes. Renesmee didn't want to think about him. Didn't want to miss him. This was his fault, after all. But instead of forgetting him like she wished she could in that moment, she heard his voice like he stood beside her, or held her in his arms. His musky scent practically permeated the air from some unknown dimension where he should be stood in this world. Where he should be alive and fine and saying sweet things to Renesmee.
But instead of all those things, Renesmee felt herself frozen in place, her breath ragged as she imagined what he would say if he could see all she was doing with her life now.
"You shouldn't have done those things to that boy, Renesmee. What did he ever do to you? Nothing deserves that, Ness." His voice was loving, pleading, beautiful in Renesmee's mind, even if he wasn't here and he was very reprimanding at the same time.
"Jacob…" She didn't mean to say it out loud, she wanted to be angry at him. That he was gone.
"You would never have done this before, Ness. I'm disappointed in you. You've fallen so far off the reservations. Don't you see that?" In her mind's eye he was angry, eyes full of unspoken hatred, rage, disapproval. "You're not my Nessie anymore."
"Jacob…" Renesmee said it again, arms wrapping instinctively around her middle, around the still straining blankets and sheets she'd become impossibly tied in trying to rid herself of them. "I know you're mad, I know I haven't been thinking straight lately, but-"
"Renesmee! You may as well have killed that boy! He will never have his life back! Don't you see that? He will never be able to move forward!"
Renesmee felt awful, streams of tears hot streaming down her face like a torrential rain. But the comment bit at her, his voice making her feel so much worse than anything else. Why couldn't she just forget? "What, like you can say anything! You- you're dead! You left me! His life?" Renesmee felt hysterical laughter bubble out of her. "Jacob, what about my life? I can't be the person I was when you were here without you! I… I don't know how to be me without you. And it's your fault too… you never let me be my own person! You controlled me! I never really had my own choices as a child! Everything was already mapped out and decided!"
Renesmee felt Jacob fade from the half crazy conversation she was having with herself. Moments like these she wondered if she should be more bothered by her ability to connect with things around her that didn't really exist. But she always brushed it off as a side effect of her powers. Renesmee was still shaking with sobs and the blankets were really starting to make her feel like a caged animal.
With a slightly feral cry she reached into her back pocket for her switchblade and just cut the blankets off of her. She scrambled away from the offending cloth and scrambled shakily to her feet. She felt dirty, sick to her stomach with regret.
How could she let herself do that to the poor boy? She came to face the mirror in the bathroom, moonlight from a window lighting the room.
Everything the echo of Jacob in her mind was trying to get her to acknowledge was true. She wasn't the person she had been. The hair on her head was a lie. These waist long auburn curls, Jacob used to run his hands through when they were together… they weren't who she was anymore. She only even kept her hair long because Jacob had liked it anyway. She hadn't liked her hair for years.
But maybe Renesmee wasn't ready to let go of Jacob. But he was so easy to leave you, a dark part of her mind reminded her, the part that had smiled at the pain of a broken family only a few hours ago.
Fists clenched at her sides before unclenching. How was dying his fault, anyway? If anything it should be her own fault! He was trying to save her anyway. Not that Renesmee asked him to save her. She told him not to come after her, that he had to keep himself safe. But of course he hadn't listened. Of course he had to play hero and try to save her. She told him! And he'd still come running in, guns blazing (metaphorically) without a plan or backup- No!
Renesmee stopped her thought process right there. She couldn't think about that day. Refused to. She'd already spent the last six months trying to block out the pained sounds of his screams-
Case in point, her hair, who she was… she couldn't do ths anymore. She couldn't pretend to be this person anymore. Especially the she kept hurting people late at night like a real vampire… except she didn't drain the blood out of people, no, that frankly wasn't as appealing as it was to suck the happiness, the life, the morals- the hope- from people's eyes.
She hated herself even now as she stood avoiding her eyes in the mirror as she remembered the feeling she had felt when that boy she'd manipulated the other day had looked to her to pick up his broken pieces, desperation in her eyes. She was his hero- for those moments she was important.
She met her eyes in the mirror finally and glared. The girl that stood in her reflection was dead. She died with Jacob, she knew that now. Sweet Innocent Little Nessie Black- hell, Cullen- was dead. What was left was Renesmee: a girl, new in a world she had never had the chance to see on her own before, and she was anything but innocent, or sweet. She was a monster it would seem. Heartless, a manipulative, powerful bitch. And that suited her just fine.
Renesmee pulled her long hair back in a tight ponytail and took the switchblade from the counter where she lay it in her left hand and clenching her jaw in determination and cut her hair off to nearly the butt of the tie.
She let the hair fall and pulled the rest of her hair out, musing it with her hands until it stood unruly.
She gaed at the hair pooled on the floor and felt her stomach flip. It really ways too bad she couldn't cut the sorrow and pain of Jacob out of her soul the way she could chop hair from her head. Things would be so much easier that way.
But there was one thing she could do.
She reached into her pocket for her phone and deleted all her contacts.
Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle, Mom, Dad. Renesmee ignored the pang in her gut as she erased them one by one. She'd already disabled the GPS tracking as soon as she'd left home, but she hadn't had the heart to entirely delete them.
She tried not think about it as she went into her pictures. He was the main focus of most of them, wolfed out or otherwise. Just his smiling face in some… Renesmee clenched her teeth as she remembered he'd left her and she angrily selected to delete all.
She didn't need him. He held her back. It was time to be her own person. The one she was always supposed to be, not the cardboard cut out of the perfect wife and child her family had tried to make her for over thirty years.
Renesmee finished clearing her phone of her past and packed up her single bag of belongings and left the hotel, planning on burning the contents as soon as possible. She left the dead hair where it had fallen.
She couldn't care less. She didn't- wouldn't- couldn't care about anyone or anything anymore.
Everyone always betrayed her and she wasn't going through that again. No, now Renesmee would fly solo and be whoever the hell she felt like being in the moment.
She had no sympathy left.