Hope you guys are planning on having a Happy Thanksgiving. Unlike certain retail companies and stores, (cough, cough, Wal-Mart) I haven't forgotten how important this holiday is to many people across the country and possibly even overseas. So to give you guys something special over the holiday weekend, I thought I'd do a certain one-shot story that I've floated around for a while that takes place in the same continuity of Out of the Blue. I'd place it sometime after the events of Culture Shock. It centers around a certain viral video where Yoda gets UNBELIEVABLY drunk and belligerent. If you haven't already seen it, I suggest you go and watch it before reading this story. Just type in "Drunk Yoda" on YouTube and look for the username "Alex Gianopoulos." It's really quite entertaining. The idea for this story is, what would happen if a certain green Jedi Master was able to watch this representation of himself? Without further delay, let's begin.
Own any characters besides my OC I do not. Property of Lucasfilm and Disney they are.
The sun above the Republic capital of Coruscant was just beginning to set over the famed structure that was the Jedi Temple. Inside the Council chambers, Grand Master Yoda, the old yet wise leader of the Jedi High Council was sitting in his assigned chair, meditating as the last rays of sunlight for the day shined upon his green colored skin. It was moments like this that he quite enjoyed. Those away from the hustle and noise that came with instructing young Jedi that allowed him to peacefully intake the flow of life that the Force created.
Just then, the doors to the chambers opened as Yoda's brown eyes opened to see who it was. He was pleasantly surprised to see that it was Jedi Knights Adam VanDerMaelen and Riyo Chuchi. That surprised probably stemmed from the fact that he'd expect them both to have their hands full managing the intern Jedi Academy Adam had started back on Earth seven months ago. Nevertheless, he was always happy to see two of the young Jedi responsible for saving the Republic and Jedi Order from the threat that Darth Sidious posed.
"Welcome, young ones." He said to them. "Needed something, did you?"
"Actually, there was something we wanted to show you, Master Yoda." Adam said with a smile on his face.
"Adam, this isn't a good idea." Riyo said half whispering.
"Relax, it'll be fine." He assured his girlfriend.
"Something you have to show me, do you?" Yoda asked.
Adam stepped forward with a personal laptop in hand.
"Well, you already know about the movies that depict you and the rest of the Jedi," Adam began. "But there's a certain viral video on the Internet that focuses primarily on you."
This was not unheard of that certain Jedi become celebrity figures due to their exposure to the Star Wars franchise, but Yoda had assumed that there was a specific reason the young Jedi chose to bring this up to him. "Flattered I am to hear this." He answered.
"Well, actually Master," Riyo said. "This one is a little bit different from some of the other videos and films.
"Well... you see... um... Adam, you tell him."
Adam turned to face the former Pantoran Senator with a look of disbelief. "Wait, what? Why me?"
"Because this was your idea to begin with and I don't feel like explaining it, that's why." She said firmly
Adam gave off a defeated sigh as he turned back to face the Jedi Master. "The thing is, Master, in this video, you sort of... drink... excessively."
Yoda blinked his eyes in response. "That is all? Hardly something to be worried about, hmm? A comedy video I assume this is?"
"Well, yes, actually."
"Well then, view it I shall to get a better grasp on how humorous it is."
"Are you sure about that, Master?" Riyo asked. "This isn't exactly a flattering image they purport of you."
"Nonsense. All in good fun it is to make jokes. Take it with a grain of salt I shall."
Adam and Riyo each looked to each other with looks that seemed unsure at best.
The two Jedi sat down at an even level where Yoda was sitting so that the laptop was placed just above their heads but right in the Grand Master's lap.
Yoda then extended a green finger and pressed the spacebar to begin playing the video.
The song "Mr. Blue Sky" begins to play as a subtitle appears that reads "Yoda is Getting Drunk."
The first shot is of a Yoda puppet holding a a beer can just as large as he is seen drinking out of it. The real life Yoda notices the tap on the puppet's hand that holds the can in place. As the video continues, another subtitle appears that says "Yoda is Calling his Friend."
The scene then changes to the puppet holding a large cellular phone to his ear. "Umm, what's up, bro? Umm, doing what are you tonight, hmm?"
Right away, Yoda realizes something that would be different if this were taking place in real life.
"Talking normally I am."
"Sorry?" Adam asks.
"In place my normal speech patterns are. If this were to be accurate, slurred and unrefined my speech would be."
"Well, the reasoning behind that is that the way you talk is such an iconic speech pattern that it would just seem alien if they removed it from anything related to your character."
Yoda simply nods his head as he continues watching the video.
"Wanna come over and um, get wasted?" The Yoda puppet asks. There is a short silence before he speaks again. "Why? What are you doing? Uhhh... I am not.. already wasted. Mmm. Wasted you are."
"Talking to who am I right now?" Yoda in real life asks.
"You know, it's never said." Adam answered. "I always imagined it was Obi-Wan and that this took place after the events of Revenge of the Sith."
"Ahh. So the answer to the complete and total destruction of the Jedi Order and Republic, get unbelievably drunk it is?"
"Ah, c'mon!" The Yoda puppet said. "Bitches coming over later."
Yoda's eyebrows scrunched in seeing such foul language come from something that resembles him.
"Yeah. What do you mean? I'm serious, I am. Mmmm! C'mon. Wasted we'll get. Nahh! Whatever... whatever, pussy!"
The music then picks back up as the subtitle then reads "Yoda Drinks Alone."
Some more shots of Yoda drinking out of a beer can are shown. Soon afterwords, it shows him placing the emptied can among a stack of others just like it as it falls over. The puppet the moans as part of the arm operating it can be seen below it before it falls upon the stack of cans, knocking them down and creating a clanging sound on the floor below as Yoda twitches on the table.
It was here that Yoda's eyebrow not so casually raises in what looked like minor annoyance.
Another subtitle appears that reads "Yoda Admires Himself." What followed was the puppet holding a small bottle of vodka while moving around in a mirror looking at himself.
"Take so much time and effort admiring myself in the mirror I would not." Yoda says flatly.
"You're not getting annoyed by this, are you, Master?" Adam asks.
"Just an observation." He answers
The scene then transitions to several shots of Yoda downing a pint of alcohol and a cup of Smirnoff along with several more shots of Yoda holding a beer can and a close up of him holding the vodka bottle. One shot is seen of the puppet literally jumping upon the unopened bottle of Smirnoff and grabbing onto the bottle.
"Even if I drank, which I do not, drink this excessively I would not." Yoda says with slight irritation in his voice.
Several more shots of Yoda drinking are shown with one of the puppet lying unmanned on the table with the bottle of vodka seen lying in his hand.
After that, the next subtitle that appears reads "Yoda Calls his Ex-Girlfriend." Immediately, Yoda's eyebrows are raised. "What?" He simply asks.
The puppet is then seen one again with the phone tapped near its ear. "Hi, Kimberly." It says softly.
Yoda then shakes his head in disbelief before raising a green hand in the same manner. "WHAT?" The Jedi Master repeats.
Adam and Riyo both look to each other with slight fear on their faces.
"What? No! Just... Yell at me you don't! Nah.. Nah, drunk I'm not. Yo- y- you are. Drunk you are. W-whatever. Money you owe me, Kimberly! Nah! Nah! I don't owe you shit! Well, what about my stereo Stereo what about, huh? It's all smashed up, yeah, remember? What do you mean you didn't do it?! Do it I didn't. Nahh! No, Kimberly! NO! No, you owe me money! No, fuck no! Uhh Uhh! Uhh Uhh UHHH!"
"Drunkenly berate a woman like this I would not!" Yoda nearly shouts.
"Drunk I'm NOT! Drunk I'm not. Don't care! Don't care if it's only four in the morning." Yoda says while a shot of a cat climbing up the table. Yoda didn't notice due to all of his focus being on the downright horrible portrayal of himself playing. "Yeah, I'm awake. You should be awake too, fixing my stereo. NAH! NAHH! Umm... love you I still do. Do you love m- DON'T YOU YELL AT ME! NAHH! NAHH! Hang up on me? NO! N- I hang up on you. Yeah! What do you think of that? Huh? Uh, hello? Ohell?"
Yoda's eyes widened. "Mock the way I speak do they?"
Adam's shoulders shrugged. "I... guess?"
"Grrr, fucking bitch." The Yoda puppet mumbled before shaking the phone as the tape holding it got it caught upon his ear right before he groans angrily.
The two Jedi laugh at this in spite of themselves and an already livid looking Yoda.
Another subtitle came up as it reads "Yoda Hates Himself."
It shows a truly dis-shelved Yoda screaming at himself in the mirror. "Fuck you! FUCK YOU! NOO!"
Yoda's fingernails grinned along the arm of the chair he sat in as he watched his fictional self continue to swear at himself in the mirror before it soon turned saddened and defeated sounding.
More shots of Yoda drinking are seen and even one of him kissing the cat from before he starts dancing around warbling gibberish in a drunken manner.
The scene then transitioned to Yoda standing over a toilet doing what can only be described as vomiting from the hangover of drinking so much.
Yoda begins to grunt in frustration at the images shown before him. This went beyond simply telling a joke. This made him look like a disgusting, sad and pathetic drunkard that one would see crawling the streets of Coruscant in the lower levels of the planet.
More images of Yoda vomiting are seen as his angry grunts continue. One image in particular had him very angry: that of him covered in a slimy yellow puss as his mouth drops a yellow vomited piece of food below. The last image of the video was that of Yoda laid sprawled onto a sidewalk near a gutter with a bottle of alcohol near him.
The peaceful outside view of the Temple was soon disrupted by the sound of a loud scream and the shattering of window glass as the small outline of a laptop could be seen flying out the Temple tower and falling down below the structure.
Yoda sat there, huffing and breathing heavily while Adam and Riyo were seen standing at least three feet away from the outburst that occurred not too long ago.
The Jedi Master took a deep breath, and then rose from his seat. "Like it I did not." He said simply before talking his cane and walking out of the chamber doors. The last thing he said before he disappeared was "Clean this mess up you will."
Adam then turned to face Riyo. "Have to admit, didn't see that one coming."
Riyo then promptly slapped her boyfriend right across the head with a loud "OW!" coming from him.
End of story. So glad I got this over and done with. It'd be interesting to see how Yoda would react to some of the depictions of him and the other Jedi in the media, though if it DID happen, it probably wouldn't have ended quite like this. But then again, part of comedy is exaggerating some details. Anways, hope you enjoyed this little snippet of a story. Expect a new chapter of OotB or Culture Shock to be up in the near future. Review, share and have a Happy Thanksgiving.
J.A.C. JediAlexColbent ^_^