So, I've had this idea in my head and I thought I'd test my comedy skills and make this as funny as I can. Warning, there will be cursing, beating, crazy shit happening, lots of sexual references and puking. You have been warned, please continue to disregard this introduction and skip straight to the story which you will do regardless of the importance of this announcement. This is my first humor one-shot so be kind. Warning, gay, incest, and other really fucked up stuff.
Marcus woke up with a splitting headache; the air was chilly with the scented of cologne and perfume, as well as another musk that seemed to just be stuck in the room. That's odd, the bed, the bed felt much more smooth than when he fell asleep. He opened his eyes and gazed up at the room, and found himself being stared back at by an erotic poster of two bikini vixens pressing their chest together and seductive, open smiles. That wasn't there last night.
"AAAAHHH!" Marcus screamed! He bolted up and looked down.
"AAAAHHH!" his bed was black silk! He didn't own silk sheets! He looked at his clothing.
"AAAAHHH!" BLACK SILK PAJAMAS! WTF! HE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE SILK!
"Ok, calm down," Marcus said to himself and took a deep breath through his nose, which turned out to be a mistake as he exhaled a nose full of the stale musk in the room, nearly gaging form it. No mistaking that smell, sex, raw sex.
"Great!" Marcus thought angrily. Lombardi Jr. must have spike something I drank and sent me home with some skank he met somewhere as some dumb prank. He swore to ring the bird's neck then turn him over to his mother next time he saw him. Marcus slipped out of the bed and looked for his normal clothes. He couldn't find them, figuring they'd be in the washer or something. He made his way to the door and found that whoever lived in this house, it looked an awful lot like his own, right down to the light switches and, claw mark?
"This is weird," Marcus commented before making his way down the stairs, about half way down, his foot slipped on some liquid.
"Whoa!" he cried.
"Ow! Oof! Ack! Shit! Fuck! Hell! Damn!" he cursed as he tumbled down the stairs. Conveniently, he bounced off one and fate decided that he straddled the last poll in the staircase.
"NUTS!" He screamed and began whimpering. Marcus weakly crawled with one hand down the last stair, the other covering his horrible injury (All men out there, give him your prayers, he's really gonna need it! Muuaaahhhahahahahaha!) Marcus decided it would be best just to lay where he was and recover.
"Damn it, Panther." It was a running joke in his family. After a certain, perverted feline tried to force his way to mom, dad lost it and kicked his ass so hard that, well, the prick probably needed a new one that's for sure. He had started blaming anything and everything bad on Panther. It was funny so it stuck around and just got passed on to him.
"Marcus!" A familiar voice called. He looked up and saw his mother, Krystal, running to him. "Damn! Are you alright?"
"Yeah mom," Marcus let out in a high pitch squeal. "I just slipped and got nailed where it hurts."
"Oh, my bad!" she apologized; the way Krystal was talking was so out of character for her. "I knew I should have cleaned that up but what can I say, I was just too excited about your father coming home today! I couldn't help it! He was on my mind down the stairs and I thought of the time I chained him to the bed and." She paused and shuttered. "You know."
What. The. Actual. FUCK! Marcus thought staring wide-eyed at his mother. She never talked about her and dad's sex life so openly like that! I mean, he could tell through his mind link that his parents were active and loving it but that was their private lives that he neither needed nor wanted any details of. He slowly rose to his feet, using the railing as support. He finally noticed another think off about his mother. She was wearing black bondage gear under a pair of short tennis shorts and a small, soaked white shirt, everything bleeding through.
"Mom," Marcus began calmly. "What the HELL are you wearing?"
She just smiled and giggled, leaning back and stretching the wet shirt, making Marcus flinch and back up.
"You like it? I was getting ready for your father. I already set everything up in the kitchen. It's my turn to be 'punished.'" She slid back into the other room, leaving Marcus as his world and sanity slowly crumbled around him.
"Who the hell are you slut?! And what have you done with my mother?" Marcus yelled. He stormed to the front to confront the imposter when someone opened the door, and a dark furred feline walked it. Marcus' eyes widened, Panther! The cat was already half undressed with a wicked smiled, one paw undoing the fourth button on his shit while the other pulled on his belt.
"Oh honey!" he called. "Your master's home! And I know you've been a bad girl!"
That was it! This was just what Marcus needed right now! A punching bag to vent his confusion and frustration on. Marcus roared and charged the big cat. He tackled him and both went down the small porch to solid ground. Marcus timed the rolling so he would land on top. Panther landed with a thud on the ground as the wind left him. He didn't even have time to take a small breath before a vicious right hook hit him square in the jaw. Followed by a sharp left hook. Marcus continued beating the cat with strikes right and left, determined to spill this attempted rapist's blood. Suddenly, a pair of blue hands came around his shoulders and forcefully ripped him from his stress relief. He turned his head and saw Krystal holding him back with a strained expression, clearly having trouble holding him back.
"MOM! LET ME GO! I'LL KILL THIS BASTARD!" He screeched hatefully and renewed his struggle against her. Panther got to his feet, rubbing his jaw and bruised face.
"Son, I know you're mad at me for sleeping with your girlfriend but if it's any conciliation she said you were ten times better than your old man," Panther said. Marcus' anger skyrocketed. How dare he? How dare he even THINK he got Krystal pregnant with him?
"I am NOT your bastard child Panther!" He barked and broke free. He made a move to charge again but found his legs were ripped out from under him. He looked up and saw Krystal had tripped him up.
"Marcus Caroso! What in the name of Cerinia has stepped on your tail?" She scolded.
What? Marcus froze where he was, Caroso? He slowly rose to his feet.
"C-c-c-Caroso?" He stuttered in fear.
"Well duh," Krystal huffed. "Yours and my last name. Our family name."
Marcus' brain shut down for a few moments, trying to process this horrifying new revelation. As soon as it came full circle, he did what anyone in this situation would do. He screamed at the top of his lungs.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Marcus yelled. "AAAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHH! AH! AH! AH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Panther approached him and Marcus bolted up the stairs. "NNNOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" He tripped and fell to the floor of the house. Krystal and Panther following him with worry as he bolted, terrified, inside. He crashed around the kitchen island as they approached him.
"Did you hit your head Marcus?" Panther asked, making a move to the right, Marcus moved left.
"NO! THIS ISN'T REAL! YOU AREN'T MY FATHER!" Marcus yelled. He mirrored Panther's moves, moving left when he made right, right when he moved left, and went around when Panther hopped the table, all while holding his fearful, crazed expression.
"Maybe all the musk from his girlfriends has gotten to his head?" Krystal suggested. Marcus spun to her.
"Shut up!" He yelled before spinning back to Panther.
"Marcus Caro," Panther started.
"NO!" Marcus yelled. "My name is not Marcus Caroso! It's McCloud! Marcus James MCCLOUD! You are not my father!" He spun to his imposter of a mother. "And you are not my mother!"
Desperate for a way out, Marcus noticed the keys to the car on the counter. He swiftly grabbed them and made a dash to the front door. He leapt through the window, shattering it to pieces and rolled from the ground, his 'parents' running through the open door after him moments later. He ran to the car and hopped in, he turned on the engine and grabbed the wheel.
"Wait a minute," Marcus paused. "I don't know how to drive stick!" He looked back and saw Krystal and Panther coming. "Oh well, not my car."
He shifted into a random gear and floored the accelerator. The tires spun out and he jerked forward but didn't stop, he couldn't stop. About three minutes later, he let off the gas and drove slowly towards into city. He was desperate to ditch the sports car that reeked of Panther and sex. He pulled over at a hotel and quickly searched the car, finding a large stash of cash, around 500 credits. It would be enough, he ordered a room for one night and locked himself inside. He walked to the bathroom and started splashing water on his face. He looked at his soaked fur, his eyes bloodshot and fearful, he could still feel a slight trembling in his hands at the memory of what he saw.
"This has to be some kind of nightmare," Marcus said and punched himself, nothing happened. He slapped, pinched and hit himself for the next five minutes before realizing he wasn't waking up. "God damn it Panther."
A knock on his door suddenly sounded, he walked to it and saw a cleaning lady standing there.
"I don't need my room cleaned I just checked in!" He yelled.
"Just open the door," she said impatient.
"Sir, please!" She replied. Marcus turned and quick stepped to his bed, flopping on in and hopping she would go away. Eventually she did, and Marcus fell asleep.
The next morning, Marcus turned on the TV to find out what was going on and to try to figure out how to go back to normal.
"Good morning Venom," The announcer said. The next thing that happened, woke the neighborhood.
"WHAT THE FUCK! WHY AM I ON VENOM!"
"Ok, deep breath," Marcus breathed, he let it out to calm himself. "Before anything else, lets list all the crazy shit that's wrong so far. First, I'm on Venom. Second, mom is Panther's bitch. Third, Panther is my dad. Fourth, Caruso is my last name. Fifth, I have no way of getting more money. Sixth, I have no idea why I'm here or why this is happening. And seventh, I won't wake up. I think it's official. I'm so fucked." Marcus slunk down depressed on the motel bed.
"In today's news, for all you race fans, the rising star of the G-Zero world, Fox McCloud is coming to Venom for the Grand Prix semi-finals!" The announcer said. This caught Marcus' full attention. His dad was a G-Zero racer? "The race is to held tomorrow at the Venom Speedway! The race is nearly sold out but you might get lucky if you hurry up and buy your tickets!"
I've got to get into that race! Marcus thought. His father could be able to fix all this!
The next day, Marcus took a taxi to the racetrack and proceeded to infiltrate the back where all the racers vans and shit were. Marcus proceed to a trailer with a large star and the word "FOX" on it. Marcus began banging on the door as hard as he could.
"DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD!" Marcus yelled completely ignoring stealth at this moment.
A voice screamed back. "YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! WHO'S YOUR DADDY! WHO'S YOUR DADDY!" followed by a loud pleasured cry, both voices male. Marcus banged again.
"Hold on!" A voice yelled followed by the sound of crashing and rummaging. The trailer door opened and reveled his father in a white wife beater shirt and a towel over his front.
"Oh its you," Fox said. "A little late to join in Marcus we're half way done."
All of Marcus' thoughts froze, two reasons for that. One was the red pointy manhood that his father was sporting, as he removed the towel the moment he saw him. And two was the fact the naked, erect figure, with a hand on his father's ass and balls was none other than Wolf O'Donnell.
"Oh, hey Marcus," Wolf greeted as his hands found their way onto Fox's hips. "We weren't expecting you till another day. Couldn't way for ol' Wolf to nail you huh?"
"W-w-what?" Marcus stuttered nervously.
"Or maybe a good lick down by little foxie here?" Wolf cupped Fox's muzzle as he turned bright red.
"Wolf!" Fox wined. "You know I get embarrassed with an audience."
"Oh come now, you like how the the kids' taste don't you?"
"M-m-mr. O'Donnell," Marcus managed to get out. "I-i-is Veronica with you?"
"Your daughter! My girlfriend!"
"I think all the sex has fried your brain Marcus, I don't have no daughter," Wolf said.
"W-what?!" Marcus exclaimed.
"Marcus, you know me and Fox are gay for each other? How and why would we have a child, let alone a daughter?" Wolf asked.
"W-w-what?" Marcus whimpered, staring back wide eyed and frozen in horror.
"Yeah," Fox replied with a bashful blush. "We have been for years Marcus? What's wrong, you hit your head on something?"
"Must have been pretty bad to make him forget how much fun our three-ways are," Wolf commented while giving Fox's ear a lick. "Maybe we should help remind you."
"N-NO! I mean, n-no no, I've, uh, actually have to, uh, be somewhere," Marcus stuttered while slowly taking steps back from them. "Y-Yeah! I'm late for, uh, being anywhere within a 20mile radius of this bye!" Marcus finished rapidly and streaked off, tripping and running over things as he went. Once Marcus had evaded the security he picked up in his mad, panicked dash. He leaned against the nearest building, sinking down to the floor as tears swelled in his eyes.
"What's going on?" He softly cried. "Why is everything so fucked up?" Tears continued to spill from his eyes as his mind slowly gave into the hopelessness of the situation. Everything was wrong, first his mother and now his father was gay with his girlfriend's father. Oh yeah, she no longer exists. He shed even more tears at the thought. He loved Veronica, he loved her so much. Aside from his parents, she was the one person he could talk to about anything and everything, and he was the same for her. Now, she doesn't exist, and whomever he is supposedly dating is a slut! He just sat on the ground and cried, the depression taking over him.
Suddenly, a shadow came over him and a sweet voice called out to him.
"Marcus?" a female voice asked with concern. "Is that you?"
He looked up and saw a female blue avian who looked a lot like Falco, except with no scares, breasts and a kind, comforting voice.
"What's wrong?" She knelt down next to him, wrapping a feathered arm around him. Marcus couldn't bring himself to speak, so he just leaned against her and cried.
"Oh dear, something terrible has happened," she said and helped him to his feet. "Come on, let's go to my place and get you feeling better."
Whoever this friendly female falcon was, she was obvious a friend of Marcus, and from the way she acted, a normal friend. She owned a very nice car and they drove back to a nice apartment complex. After climbing the stairs and entering the building, she set him down on her red couch and got him some kind of chocolate drink. He drank it slowly as he savored the taste. She came back and took the glass and sat down next to him.
"Now," she began. "What is wrong Marcus?"
Remembering everything that was wrong with life at the moment, he began to weep, not even bothering to try to form words. She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back.
"There, there, it will be alright," She whispered.
"No! No it won't!" Marcus managed to sob out.
Seeing that what she was doing wasn't working, she tried a different tactic. She grabbed his head and pressed him between her above average breasts. Marcus stopped crying as his face evaporated the water before it even left his eyes.
"Shhh," she whispered as she slowly shook him back and forth in her chest and she giggled at the feeling. However, all Marcus could think about was how soft and amazing her chest felt. He was almost instantly calmed and closed his eyes, for a moment glad that in this world he was a sex hound, and good at it. After a few minutes, she let go and Marcus remembered that he had to breath. She giggled at his soft panting before standing up and walking towards the bedroom, her hips swaying back and forth.
Daaammmmn! Marcus thought as he watched the falcon's absolutely perfect ass wave in front of him. As gentlemanly as he was, he did know if he could resist bending to the ways of this world's Marcus if THAT was what he got! He could feel a stirring in his pants that he normally would have desperately tried to kill, but right now, probably wouldn't work.
"My husband will be home soon," she cooed in that angelic voice of hers. "I'm sure he'll be happy to see you again." Then she slipped into the room.
She's married! Shit! Marcus cursed himself for having such thoughts for a married woman, however, she certainly did seem to openly encourage them. She soon came back and when Marcus saw her, he swore he lost a quart of blood out his nose. She was in a black lacy bra and panties with a doily pattern around the edges. The clothing seemed small and only served to better emphasize her large bust and shapely hips. Marcus' tongue flopped from his mouth and he panted lightly at the sexy sight.
"Oh my, Marcus," she cooed, "Do you see something you like?"
Marcus dumbly nodded as he panted and drooled like a dog. She walked over to him with a seductive sway in her step, hypnotizing the young McCloud/Caruso. She sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder.
She began to whisper teasing dirty talk about what he wanted to do to her, and all he did was lightly reply. He only nodded, as he was lost in his mind imagining what she was whispering to him. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and she hopped up and away. He whimpered after her.
"That's my husband, hold on," She went to answer the door. When she did, a familiar, green chameleon walked it.
"Well, well," he said. "Why's the kid here?"
"I found him crying in the street so I took him here, Leon, darling," she said and kissed his neck.
"Oh Falco, you have a heart of gold," he said as he leaned over and kissed her beak.
Everything froze for Marcus. Falco? He thought with horror as all his arousal left like a flood. As in Star Fox Falco?
"F-Falco?" he asked hesitantly. "As in, Star Fox ace pilot Falco?" They both looked at him confused.
"Well yeah," the avian replied. "Don't you remember, I had a sex change years ago. My darling lizard here seemed to like it more and I felt more comfortable in my body then before. I always was a woman at heart but didn't have the body, so I hid it with that stupidly abrasive personality. Then Leon here helped me to embrace my true nature and I decided to get the body I was meant to have."
Marcus felt sick, he felt like throwing up his entire stomach, all this time, the beautiful avian was Falco! Marcus started gagging several times before rushing to the restroom and heaving into the toilet. He remained there for a bit before it was all out, and then he noticed the hand rubbing his back.
"Poor dear," Falco whispered. "You must not be feeling well."
Marcus jolted from her hand with a scream. In his hurry, he hit his head on a shelf, falling to the ground. He groaned then something heavy hit his head! It was a figurine that was on the now leaning shelf, soon followed by several more as they comically hit him.
"Oof! Ow! Ahh! Argh!" he cried with each, seemingly heavier object hit his head. He groaned and lay there as Leon got the first aid kid and Falco laid a wing on him. Then it all came back again and Marcus did something he had recently become all too familiar with. Panicking.
"AAAAHHHH!" he screamed and scrabbled to the door, throwing it open and dashing as fast as he could down the hall, ignoring the frantic cries behind him. As he stumbled down the stairs, he turned to see the new female Falco on his tail. With a frightened yip, Marcus leaped down the stairs and busted out of the building into the storming rain. He ran as fast as he could away from 'her' and her 'husband.' Eventually, he lost them before gathering himself and addressing the head injury he had sustained. He stumbled into the nearest building, which happened to be a repair shop of some sort. He started absently ringing the bell till a pink toad came up to serve him.
"What do you…oh, hey Marcus," the toad said brightly.
"Amanda!" he exclaimed as he recognized her. "Can you help me!?"
"Oh course! Come here," she said as she beckoned him behind the counter. She treated his wound and wrapped it up before setting him on the table. "Now, how did you get that?"
Marcus launched into his explanation, starting from walking up to Falco's sex change, Amanda nodding every now and then. Once he finished his tale, Marcus pulled his head back and took a deep breath.
"FUUUCKKK!" He yelled and smashed his forehead into the nearest wall. Amanda panicked and fussed at him for doing that.
"Well," She began. "I think I can help fix your problem."
"You can?!" Marcus asked, suddenly full of hope. She nodded.
"All you have to do, is close your eyes and relax," he did so. He felt her lifting him up, somehow, and suddenly everything got dark, and moist. He opened his eyes and saw, the inside of Amanda's mouth.
"What the hell!?" He cried and struggled.
"Oh come now Marcus, you know this turns me on!" she claimed, pushing him further towards her mouth. "I've always wanted to eat you like I did Slippy. Now I finally can have the delicious little snack you are!"
Amanda suddenly grew much larger and stronger as Marcus was forced towards her gaping maw.
Marcus shot up in his bed.
"NNOOOOOO!" He yelled. The door burst open and Fox and Krystal rushed in. Marcus jumped went they touched him, letting out a very girly scream.
"Marcus! What's wrong?" Fox asked concerned. Marcus was shocked to see his father.
"Dad?" Marcus whispered out at him.
"It's alright, Marcus. Your mother and I are here now," he said comfortingly. Marcus head spun to the other side to observe the blue vixen. She was now in a much more modest attire and seemed panic and worry struck. Her eyes watching his every movement with concern and worry.
"Mom?" he again whispered. She took his hand gently.
"I'm here, Marcus," she cooed with a relieved smile.
Marcus took a second to look around his room. It was back to normal, he sheets weren't silk, his room didn't smell like a brothel, and, looking up, there was no poster on his ceiling.
"Everything's back to normal," he said to himself. "Which means!" Suddenly a realization hit him. His neck snapped to his mother before he lunged at her, embracing her fiercely. "Mom! You're not Panther's whore anymore!" He let go and quickly grabbed his father. "And Dad! You're not Wolf's bottom bitch!"
"What the fuck!" both McClouds let out at their son's outburst, utterly surprised at the words that came out of his mouth.
"Wait, if Dad's here, that means!" Marcus jumped out of bed and rushed for the stairs, grabbing a pair of pants on the way. He fell down the stairs again, trying to put them on, but he ignored the pain and rushed out the front door. Fox and Krystal followed him, sick with parental worry for their son's mental health. They tried to stop him, but he already was in his car and driving away.
Marcus pulled up to the O'Donnell residence and quickly hopped out. He banged on the door with urgency. He heard the lovely voice of his girlfriend telling him to wait. She opened the door.
"Marcus! What are you," before she could finish, Marcus trapped her in what had to be, the most desperate, sloppy and passionate kiss they'd ever had. He held her so tightly to him, as if she would vanish at any moment. She soon lost herself to his passion, as usual, and began to kiss him back. After a while, they both needed air and parted. "What was that for?" she asked. Marcus set her straight up before grinning ear to ear.
"I'll tell you later, I love you babe!" Marcus cried and ran back to the car, speeding off, leaving his happily confused girlfriend behind.
Marcus soon found the house that Falco and Katt had moved into after they got married and rushed to the door. A groggy voice answered Marcus' insistent banging. Fortunately, it was Falco, normal, male Falco.
"What is it?" he asked impatiently. Marcus suddenly hugged the man, surprising him before being pushed off. "What the heck?"
"I'm just really glad you're you again, and not a woman or Leon's wife," Marcus said with a grin.
"What the fuck?" Falco yelled.
"I don't know yet, bad dream, complicated, explain later, bye!" Marcus yelled and quickly left. He considered Slippy, but they were on another planet so that was out. Marcus, now calm and satisfied that his world was back to normal, drove home.
"Mom! Dad! I'm home and got some explaining to do!" he called out as he entered the house. No reply. Marcus raised a brow and explored a bit, calling their names.
Suddenly, Marcus heard his mother's scream from upstairs.
"Mom!" he cried and rushed up the stairs.
"Oh God!" he heard her cry, along with some loud snapping sound.
"MOM!" He cried and swung open the door.
"HARDER!" She screamed. Marcus froze. In front of him, was his mother, hands bound by ropes and hung over a hook on the ceiling that he knew wasn't there before. Her clothes weren't even remotely acceptable, brown shredded rags that had been either torn or whipped off, her skin a light red, especially around her butt. Her hair was wild as she screamed to the heavens, the insides of her thighs visibly wet from where Marcus stood.
"Quiet slave!" Fox yelled and cracked the whip in his hand on her rear with practiced easy, slapping her flesh and bringing fresh blood to the struck flesh. Speaking of Fox, he was in some strange drapes as well. He wore a golden slash across his chest and a crown of leaves over him, as well as some expensive looking jewelry around his neck that made him look like a pant less emperor. Oh yeah, his dad was also naked expect for said costume with his manhood twitching as he gleefully tortured his wife.
"Have you learned your LESSON!" Fox emphasized with another wipe.
"Yes!" Krystal yelled.
"Yes WHAT?" Fox yelled and whipped her again.
"Yes my emperor!" She cried out before going slack. Fox grin became evil as he brought the whip back. With a precision and skill he had no idea his father had, Fox swung the whip and broke the ropes binding his mother to stand before swinging again and encircling her neck. He pulled her by her neck to him quickly, twirling the slack around his hand. He pulled her up to his neckline as she fell to his chest. He grabbed her sore rear roughly, getting a throatily moan from Krystal.
"Did my slave learn her lesson?" he asked with an authoritative tone Marcus had never heard.
"Yes my emperor," Krystal moaned out, shaking in anticipation. Fox grinned and pushed her towards the bed before roughly throwing her on it. Without looking, Fox swung the whip, grabbing the bottle on the desk right next to Marcus. Marcus nearly squealed at this, but was too terrified to make noise. He forced Krystal onto her back before pinning her arms and tying them back around the bedposts.
"Beg," he commanded.
"Please, oh please my emperor! Punish this lowly slave girl! Show her your divine power! Enslave me to your cock!" Krystal yelled.
It was too much, he had just escaped it all.
Ok, first, wow this took a very long time to write, over a year in production and it's finally done. The first author note is probably outdate by now so please enjoy and thanks to my beta reader John Storm