Chapter 2 – The letter

A/N: I struggled with this chapter for a long time. It's still not where I want it to be, but it's probably as close as I can get it, and it says all the things I wanted to put in it. Thanks for all the follows and favourites; I am humbled by your interest.

Kate,

The day I met you, my life became extraordinary. You have made the last seven years of my life the best ever. I love you so much, that my heart aches every moment we are apart. These last few weeks without you by my side have been torture.

We promised each other that we would be partners in life and crime, but it seems you don't need me as your partner any more. You know, have seen proven, that we are both better together than apart. We are stronger as a team, and we can make anything happen. We caught Coonan, and we put Bracken behind bars. The two of us, together.

You asked me if I trust you, and I do. I trust you with my life, and I trust you with my heart, and my daughter. But I do not trust you when it comes to your mother's case. It seems like every time it comes up, you dive down that rabbit hole again, despite all the progress we have made in the last three years. When you disappeared on your first day as Captain, I was devastated and fearful. When we found your bracelet in that pool of blood, I thought my life was ending along with yours. And even though we thought, or maybe just I thought, that your mother's case was finished, closed forever, it came back to haunt us again, and yet again you went down the rabbit hole alone.

How can what you are doing now be the best thing for us, when I am miserable, and I can see you area struggling too. Neither of us are sleeping or eating properly – yes Kate, I know your tells, I know when I am not there you forget to look after yourself. I cannot fathom what you are trying to work out, that requires this much sacrifice from both of us. Why won't you let me in?

I have tried to give you space, but it's too hard to stay away. You fell in love with me while we were solving cases together, and I want you to fall in love with me again. But you are deliberately excluding me from the precinct, sending me away when I try to help. You say you love me, and that this separation will end, but I have no timeline, no frame of reference. Your mother's case took thirteen years to solve. Is that how long we are going to be separated for whatever it is you are doing now? Mia told me that you have the hots for me, that she can smell how you feel about me. I don't know if she is telling the truth, or trying to cheer me up so I will leave her alone. I wish her words were true, and sometimes I can still see your love for me in your eyes, but you always look away or shutter your feelings these days and I just don't understand.

I can't stay here in the loft any longer; it's empty, hollow without you. I had such great hopes when Mother moved out and Alexis was at college that we could enjoy ourselves without interruptions and fill the loft again with the sound of happy laughter and tiny feet. Now it seems like those sounds will never be heard here again.

I am going to honour your request for space, but also give myself space to ease my breaking heart. I love you, Kate, and I said always, and I mean it. But I cannot bear what is happening between us right now, so I am going away. I am leaving New York, because even being in the same city as you, without being able to be near you, is painful.

If and when you are ready to come back into this marriage, you will be able to find me – you are an extraordinary detective, after all. But Kate, don't come after me until you are sure you will be staying forever, because there cannot be another chance.

Always

Rick

Her first instinct once she caught her breath was to call him, and she fumbled with her phone out of her pocket before she could press his speed dial. It went straight to voicemail. She tried twice more, and got the same result, but this time, she listened to the message, which he had changed.

Hi, this is Rick Castle. I am unreachable at present. Please direct all queries to my publisher, Black Pawn. Thank you.

There was not even the chance for her to leave a message in the hopes that he would hear it.