"Prodigal"

Summary: Edward often found himself pondering the nature of faith. After all, he had plenty of time. As a young vampire, he can't help but remember the story of the prodigal son when he returns to his family after a few years of wandering…

Disclaimer: It's Stephanie Meyer's playground; I'm just messing about in it.

Once again, as thousands of times before, I couldn't help cursing the nature of my new mind. Not new, really, anymore… I had been a vampire for just over a decade now, after all. But drat… Distracted again! What I had been reflecting on was that it was just too easy to think too much, all the time… And on long nights like these, with only this eternal, godforsaken run towards a distant destination to occupy my body, the thoughts that plagued me incessantly continued tormenting my mind with renewed fervor.

What was the first commandment again? I didn't really need to ask myself, I mused bitterly. "You shall have no other gods before me," I remembered being taught at mass as a boy. My parents were staunch Catholics; it was one of the only details about them that even the blurring effect of the venom could not erase from my mental image of them – I suppose some things never quite fade from memory, and it would appear that a near fanatical religious upbringing was one of them. One of Carlisle's memories, crystal clear, had folded into my own indistinct ones; he often thought of her when he looked at me, especially in the earliest days… the woman, weak with sickness on the hospital bed, still clinging to her rosary and begging God, the Virgin, Carlisle, anyone who would listen… for mercy for her son…

But yes… the commandments were clear… No other gods. No idols. "For I the Lord your God am a jealous god!" I couldn't hold back a laugh that sounded more like a snarl even to my own hears. Jealous, huh? Jealous? If there were such a jealous God then why would He ever, ever allow for this thirst… this never-ending hellfire that consumed my every thought?

The scripture, now from Corinthians, snaked through my mind and out my slightly parted lips faster than a bullet… "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful," I could barely choke out the words now, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

Agghhh! The weight of the empty, empty promise was enough to break my run and tumble me to the ground in sheer desperation but then I was up, up, up again and off, faster than any human could even blink. It hurt so much to think it… It was too close to Carlisle's own reasoning.

His constantly calm counsel floated across my mind… "Edward, we cannot deny our thirst, but we are granted the decision of how to satisfy it. We are given the great power of choice. It is ours to do with as we will." I heard the conviction in his voice, felt it in his thoughts. (The worst, the most terrible thing, was that I could feel it in my own inner core. Carlisle was right. Why should we choose to be monsters? But why, why were we doomed to this awful thirst?) I knew he did not want to deprive me. But yet…! He had chosen this path after how many decades, centuries even? And I? Had I no choice of my own?

Esme had been allowed to slip up. It was almost too easy. A mishap here and there while hunting boring deer, in the early days… But her decision to follow was made so quickly. Her mind was so soft, so pliable. She so wanted to please her beloved, golden-eyed mate.

And Rosalie… even though she was still a newborn, she absolutely adored boasting about her – ahem – spot-free record. Again, her case was different. She so hated her fate that she would not lower herself to submitting to such base instincts. She was a lady, after all.

I couldn't deny it, although I tried to shake the dark thoughts from my mind as I raced onward along my chosen path… I was jealous. Deeply, undeniably, irrevocably envious of the ease with which they all embraced this stifled diet. The jealousy made me hate myself even more. Not only was I a monster, I wanted to pull the others along into the depths of it all right along with me.

What was it, again? Ah, yes… "But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones who believe in Me-it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea." I couldn't fathom why Carlisle had so many wretched copies of the surely mythical book about the house. Of course I could still quote the verse from Mark's gospel word for word. Go ahead! I wanted to shout at the sky. Tie the damn thing around my neck and toss me in and I still. Will. Not. Die.

I couldn't help the hiss that escaped from between my lips. Tonight it seemed I could hardly control my own body… All I could do was just keep running. Just keep moving forward…

I choked back another snarling laugh at the acidic irony of it all. Myths… as if I had the right to question myths anymore, being what I am.

As if I had the right to anything anymore, being what I am.

"You shall have no other gods before Me," the first commandment echoed once more through my brain. The thirst was my only, only god.

"You shall not make idols." I did not make the blood my idol; it was what my constantly parched god demanded of me… And kneeling at its fragile altar with a broken sacrificial body in my arms was the only worship that would truly suffice; that I knew, all too well.

"You shall not murder." A dark chuckle broke forth into the air at the mere thought. How many times? I had lost count over these long months of wandering, alone. What did it matter that they were sinners too? Had not God instructed that vengeance was His own? Murder was murder. There was no denying it. No justifying it.

They danced through my brain as a monotone, taunting litany… "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor…" All. Undeniably. Worthless!

"You shall not covet…" A true belly laugh clapped through the chill night air now. All I did was covet… blood, blood, and more blood!

And finally, finally… The one I least wanted to remember… "Honor your father and your mother." It hurt to my very core. Carlisle. Esme. So, fine… Not father and mother, in the conventional sense. Honor your creator and his mate, my mind quickly adjusted with a sardonic bite.

The moan that slid from my throat was eerie in the night air… Carlisle, I'm trying… Esme, forgive me… The weary sadness clung to my skin and pushed me onward; impossibly, my pace increased as I whipped through the trees faster still. I was getting closer.

Perhaps that was the worst part of it all, really… That I knew all too well how this story would play out.

How could I forget the story of the prodigal son? Carlisle was as near a man could come to that divine forgiveness… He was too good to not act in love, even towards his most vile creation.

The shame of coming forgiveness was torturous… I tilted my head towards the sky, towards this supposed God above, and inhaled deeply – I just wanted to cleanse my mind… But, no! There was a lone car on the desolate highway mere miles to my left… a car full of life, full of warmth, of rich, luscious thirst-quenching… I lurched uncontrollably, tore through the trees and was almost at the forest's edge before I could stop myself with a shudder.

Not today. Not ever, anymore. Never again. I trembled under the weight of my own decision. My choice was made… Honor your mother and father, indeed. "Honor yourself…" a voice uncannily akin to Carlisle's permeated my thoughts.

And so it should be.

My entire body tingled with barely contained joy as the house came into view and my family emerged to greet me. I could feel their welcoming warmth radiating forth in their thoughts, in their very energy. I could hear their forgiveness before the words were even spoken.

The prodigal son had come home at last.

Author's note: This was my first foray back into Fanfiction in a couple of years, and only my second ever attempt at writing for Twilight. I do hope you've enjoyed it. Reviews would be abundantly appreciated; any thoughts or constructive criticism are quite welcome.