Episode 015 [2-01]: The Fourth Hull
Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.
Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.
This episode is written in a semi-script format.
Excuse Me, Excuse Me…
I guess I'll have to be direct
If you're gonna' stand on my neck
Then you'd better check under the sea
Cause that is where you'll find me
Underneath the Sealab!
Underneath the water
At the bottom of the Sea!
We cut to the interior of Sealab as several crew members sit around a large table with envelopes, tablets, and papers. There are some computers in the room, with Upchuck stationed at one of them. He looks over at the camera before returning to his duties.
The camera zooms in before stabilizing and focusing on the various crew members sitting around the table. They include: Daria Morgendorffer, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Hank Murphy, Quentin Q. Quinn, Debbie Dupree, Jane Lane, Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacey Rowe, Stormy, Marco, Anthony DeMartino, and Bellerophon Shanks.
"Okay," Quentin begins, "I think we should start with the basic fan mail first." "Ooh! Can I read?" Quinn asks. "I should hope so," Quentin jokes. "Huh?" "I think you mean to ask: 'May I read?'" Quentin says. Quinn growls. "Okay, may I read the first piece of fan mail?" she asks.
"Go ahead," Quentin says. Captain Murphy just stares blankly into space. Quinn looks at the first envelope she picks up and reads the message to herself first.
"Dear Sealab crew,
Why do none of you notice when the place explodes at the end of every other episode?"
"Well, that's an interesting question," Quentin posits. "I can answer that," Shanks says as he raises his hand. "Ya see, the continuity of Lawndale 2021 is tenuous at best, and contradictory at worst. While some episodes definitely occur after or before each other in a noticeable chronological fashion, the fact remains that often, most characters only remember either the general events or only certain parts of those episodes," Shanks explains.
Everyone raises their eyebrows in a questioning manner. "See, Daria, during the Alvis episode, you mentioned that you were having nightmares about a strange spider/shrimp monster. That was a reference to the episode that preceded it, which was a straight-forward horror story in the vein of movies like Alien, Leviathan, and Deepstar Six," Shanks continues explaining, stopping occasionally for breath.
"You also mentioned that you were having a three-way with Jane Lane and Tom Sloane, which was a reference to your talk with Amy during episode twelve," Shanks says as Daria and Jane both blush. "Um, Captain Shanks, I think you've given everyone a THOROUGH enough ANSWER to that question," DeMartino says with a slightly uncomfortable tone.
"Um, guys? May I read some fan mail?" Upchuck asks from his computer station. "No!" everyone shouts at him. Suddenly, Hesh Hepplewhite barges into the room. "Hey, I heard y'all were reading some smokin' hot fan mail! Hesh wants to read fan mail too!" he proclaims before tripping over a power cable.
"Um, Upchuck, maybe we'll let you read one fan letter," Amy says. "Right now?" Upchuck asks eagerly. "Sure," Amy says. "Might as well get it out of the way now," she says out loud. "RRRrowwll!" Upchuck purrs in delight. "Do that again, and we will revoke this privilege," Debbie warns him.
"Yes, Ma'am," Upchuck says compliantly. "Ahem, here's one that shouldn't get me in any trouble," Upchuck says after spending a minute searching the e-mails on the computer.
Why is Debbie Love only mentioned in one episode?"
"Hmm, I guess it has to do with the fact that she spends most of her time around the orphans, and that includes Dolphin Boy," Debbie says. "Yeah, we generally don't like dealing with Dolphin Boy," Daria says without remorse. "He's a creepy little freak," DeMartino says out loud.
"Even Mr. O'Neill doesn't like him," DeMartino says. "One time, he called a bunch of dolphins into the moon pool and they tried to pull off my outfit so he could see me naked!" Debbie exclaims. "I believe that Black Debbie was supposed to make an appearance in that episode where you went maternal, but she was cut for reasons involving pacing or something," Shanks comments.
"Okay," Daria says, "I'll read the next one."
Three questions: First, why are there two versions of Lord of the Deep available on the Paper Pusher Message Board?
Second, will both versions of Lord of the Deep be made available on Fan Fiction dot net, or only one?
Third, will the original first draft of Lord of the Deep ever be made available for people to read?"
Daria looks into the camera with an expression that is a mix between bemusement and contempt. "To answer your third question: NO. The original draft of Lord Of The Deep was one of the most unfunny and painfully written things that we have ever been in. It will never see the light of day," Daria says. "And, to my own knowledge, it is quite probable that the author deleted the original draft after posting the other two versions on the Paper Pusher Message Board," Daria finishes.
"Hmm, what about the first question?" Jane asks. "Well... I don't know. I can only speculate that while the author clearly thought that the version posted in the SDCU-0001-AAAA thread was the final official version, he was probably also fond enough of the second version to put it on the [daria swim] thread as a treat for readers. And for the second question, the other version is again only available as a treat to Paper Pusher Message Board members/readers/viewers."
"I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a piece of paper.
Why doesn't Mr. DeMartino talk with his usual voice and speech pattern that was heard in the canon Daria series?"
"Well," DeMartino says as he looks at the camera, "Because I've been placed in an environment where I'm only exposed to the stupidity of Lawndale High's student population for brief durations instead of day after day, I find myself to be far less stressed out than I was in the canon Daria series. Okay, next question."
Jane picks up a piece of paper and looks at it.
"Dear Sealab crew,
In the Bizarro episode, Debbie Dupree became very upset and jealous when Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie were having sex with Dr. Quinn. She even goes so far as to call him a bastard for going along with their three-way. Yet, in an earlier episode, when Debbie desires to have a baby, she has no problem sleeping with Amy or anyone else for that matter, and she clearly references other people who she's had sex with even while going out with Dr. Quinn. Why has no one pointed out this hypocrisy?"
"You know," Jane says as she looks at Debbie, "That is a good point." Debbie clearly looks uncomfortable with this question. "Um... pass!" she says as she grabs a letter from the table and begins reading it aloud.
Why is cap murfy still in charge while Shanks is onbored. Dont u know that Shank only arrive after Murphy leave? How come u bad at stuff leik this? Why is Mr Demarno a commandeer? in Dara he only a teacher did he change job? Also the elevater episode suck coz it not very funny or have stuff blowing up."
"Sincerely, a twelve year-old who doesn't understand the meaning of fan fiction or proper spelling and grammar," Jane adds with a smirk. "Um, should we even try to respond to that one?" Daria asks. "Nah, don't bother," Shanks says.
"Hesh is back on his feet now!" Hesh shouts as he sits down at the table. "Hesh, get out of here," Debbie says. "No! Hesh wants attention! Hesh demands he be allowed to read fan letters!" "Fine!" Quentin says. "If we let you read one, will you go away?" "Maybe," Hesh says. "Here, take one," Quentin says as he hands a piece of paper to Hesh. Hesh pulls out his own paper and dismisses the one in Quentin's hand.
Why is there so little screen time for Hesh Hepplewhite? You know that he is the smartest and handsomest and sexiest man on the station. How come he never gets to have sex with any of the hot women or do anything heroic like he should?" Hesh reads out loud. "Give me that!" Quentin shouts as he takes the paper from Hesh's hands.
"There's nothing written on here!" Quentin exclaims. "Dammit, Hesh!" Marco exclaims angrily. "Um, um... Hesh is-" "Get out of here now, before we lock you in a room with Dolphin Boy!" Murphy threatens. Hesh runs away, only to trip on a power cable and fall on his face again.
"Okay, who wants to go next?" DeMartino asks. "How about Captain Murphy?" Amy suggests. "Uh, okay," Murphy says as he picks up a letter.
Are Amy Barksdale and Jodene Sparks in a sexual relationship?"
"Well, that was pretty blunt," Murphy comments. Amy turns to look at the camera and takes a breath. "Well, the answer is that, yes, we are having relations every couple of weeks, but mostly for fun. Our relationship isn't exactly a serious one," Amy says calmly.
"Wait, you're having sex with a convict?" Jane asks her. "Yes, but only on occasion," Amy replies. "Is he any good?" Jane asks, prompting Daria to go slack-jawed in shock. "Jane! You have me... and Tom! And... sometimes, Elsie," Daria says, hurt. "Sorry, I was just curious. I'll make it up to you later tonight," Jane says to her in an apologetic tone as she covers one of Daria's hands with her own. "Hey, speaking of me, how about I read some fan mail?" Sparks suggests as he raises his hand. "Sure, knock yourself up-I mean out," Daria says.
In the original Sealab 2021, Dr. Quinn was mentioned and confirmed to be a cyborg in several episodes. Is that still the case in this series?"
Sparks looks at the camera. "Well, with the exception of that three-parter with the shrimp thing, yes. Doctor Quinn is indeed still a cyborg. We just haven't really had a chance or an excuse to bring it up, aside from a sadly wasted opportunity in Re-Shermanator," Sparks says.
Daria clears her throat as she picks up a letter.
Will we ever see the Bizarros again?"
Daria looks into the camera and frowns. "I should certainly hope not."
"I'll go next," Jane says as she picks up a letter. "Ooh, this one's interesting!"
Where are Helen and Jake? Are they dead? Is Amy actually Daria's mother in this universe? Did she sleep with Jake, did she sleep with someone else, or did she create Daria through parthenogenesis?"
"Did I pronounce that word correctly?" Jane asks Daria. "Which one?" "Par-then-o-genesis?" Jane says. "Yes, technically," Daria says. She and Amy both look into the camera. "Okay, let's get this straight. Helen and Jake are not dead. They are both alive, but they're working at a facility on land because their transfer forms were screwed up," Amy says.
"Also, Amy is not my mother. I sometimes wish that she were, but she isn't, although she does fill the role quite nicely since Mom and Dad aren't down here with us," Daria says with a shrug. "Aww, thank you, Daria," Amy says to her with a smile. "You're quite welcome," Daria replies. "Wait... you aren't Daria's mother?" Stormy asks her in surprise. "Um, no," Amy says. "Oh. Does that mean you're single?" "Did you not hear the question about me and Jodene?" Amy asks him in response.
"Who?" Stormy asks. "Jodene. You know... Sparks?" "Oh! I thought his first name was Overlord," Stormy replies. "O-Overlord?" DeMartino asks. "Yeah! He has this island fortress that he contacts every week or so, with henchmen, and a volcano!"
Amy looks over at Sparks, who simply whistles in a clearly guilty fashion. "I demand to be called 'Empress' by your henchmen, or no fun time for a month," Amy says. "Sure, as soon as this episode is over," Sparks says to her with a nervous laugh. Daria and Jane both stare at her in shock.
"What?" Amy asks them. "Um... is-is it okay if I read a letter?" Stacey asks timidly as she raises her hand. "Of course, Stacey," Amy says warmly. "Thank you!" Stacey exclaims happily before she picks up one. She reads it to herself before saying anything, and her face blushes red, almost making her look like a tomato.
"Stacey?" Quinn asks her before she takes the letter and reads it out loud.
Are Quinn and Stacey lesbian lovers?"
"What!?" Quinn shouts indignantly. "We most certainly are not lesbian lovers! We are bisexual lovers! Just ask Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie!" Quinn proclaims haughtily with her eyes closed an a smug smile on her face. At this, Stacey faints and falls headfirst into Quinn's lap. "Not in public, Stacey! Oh, you just fainted. Never mind," Quinn says.
Quinn looks up and sees everyone staring at her, wide-eyed. "Um... I really do not need to know about the sex lives of my students," DeMartino says in an uncomfortable tone. "Would you like to hear about Debbie's sex life instead?" Stormy asks him. DeMartino stares at him.
"Son, meet me later tonight, and I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine. His name begins with the letter 'P' and ends with the letter 'N'. You got that?" "Sure!" Stormy replies cheerfully. DeMartino smirks evilly.
"I'll read the next one," Quentin offers as he picks up a letter from the table.
Will we ever see Mystic Spiral perform in a future episode?"
"Um, I don't know. Jane, does your brother's band still exist?" Quentin asks her. "Sure, they often play at the Grizzlebee's over in Pod Twenty-Five. You know, the really big one with a stage and amplifier system that was stole-I mean, borrowed from... uh, that abandoned floating stadium. You know, the one that belongs to that Death Metal band... whatever their name is," Jane says.
"So, the answer is... probably," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "My turn," Debbie says as she picks up a letter.
Whatever happened to that pack of dogs from episode twelve?"
"Um... who cares!? They aren't in Sealab anymore, that's for damn sure!" Debbie says as she looks into the camera. "Oh, those poor dogs. They choked on Stormy's bones and the cyanide pills that Angela Li always carried with her," Murphy laments. "Man, my death was really painful," Stormy says.
"Wait, if you died, how are you still here now?" Daria asks. "Oh, this Stormy is just a clone. I have a whole bunch of them in cryonic storage in Pod Four," Quentin says to her with a smile. "Are there clones of other people too?" Daria asks him. "Um... yeah, but I only grow those for organ transplants."
"Hey! That was one of those illegal ideas that I was arrested for!" Sparks says as he points a finger at Quentin. "How the hell do you get away with it!?" "Hey, Yeah!" Amy chimes in. "Um... look, a sybian!" Quentin says. "Where!?" Jane, Daria, Amy, Stacey, Quinn, and Debbie all shout eagerly as they turn their heads. Quentin quickly slips away undetected.
In actuality, Quentin has a medical license and was discreetly given explicit permission from the United Nations and the World Health Organization to carry out his cloning project. Sparks was arrested because he didn't have any kind of license. He merely had a piece of scrap paper with the word "doctor" scribbled on it, and his assistant was an often-drunk midget who called him "Master" and sold experimental hallucinogenic drugs to kindergartners on the street for him.
"Okay, I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a paper.
"Dear Sealab crew members,
Why do we see so little of Mack and Jodie?"
DeMartino looks into the camera with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, considering that both of those people are rather well-adjusted and sane, I would say that they're both smart enough to avoid getting involved with the mayhem and chaos that usually engulfs most of our main cast," DeMartino explains. "Except for that one time that Dr. Quinn dragged Mr. McKenzie away from a light homework session to work on Tommy Sherman's operation," he adds as an afterthought.
"I'll go next," Shanks says as he picks up a letter.
After the events of Re-Shermanator, is Tommy Sherman still a cyborg?"
Shanks scratches his chin thoughtfully as he considers the question. "You know, I'm not entirely sure of that myself," he says as he looks into the camera. "He might be, but I guess it would depend on-" "No. No he is not," Quentin says as he pops back into the room. "Well, there ya go!" Shanks says.
"I'll go next," Murphy says. He picks up a paper and frowns. "I can't understand this," he says. "You're holding it upside-down," DeMartino tells him flatly. "Oh, oops," Murphy says, embarrassed.
What's the deal with Elsie Sloane being a weak ripoff of the REE?"
"Well, first of all, I have no idea what this "REE" is, or even how it's pronounced. I'll just skip this letter and read another one," Murphy says, having never read Neon Genesis Evangelion fan fiction in his life, and thus has never read Nobody Dies or The Rebuild Of Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman. A sad little cupcake-obsessed man indeed.
Did you ever pay that fine to the FCC or get a license for that radio station?"
"What radio station?" Murphy asks, bewildered, as he looks at the camera. "Um, yes. We did, in fact, take care of that issue," Quentin says, shifting his eyes around in a suspicious manner. "Okay. Who wants to go next?" Murphy asks. "Stacey, why don't you go? You didn't actually read the last one you picked," Murphy says to her.
Stacey gingerly picks up a letter and looks at it.
Why is Captain Shanks the only person who is aware that he's a fictional character?"
"Well, um, Captain Shanks, do you want to answer that?" Stacey asks as she looks at him questioningly. "Sure! See, that's the way I was written in Sealab 2021, so that's also the way I was written here! Let's face it, the author is too damn lazy to change my personality. That's why I was only mentioned in that story with the shrimp monster. Otherwise, that whole story would have fallen apart from the fourth wall being broken by me," Shanks explains.
"I'll read the next letter," Marco says.
My name is Charles Foster Offdensen. It has come to my attention recently that you have stolen a set of expensive amp-whoa, we're going to ignore that one!" Marco says as he puts down the letter and picks up another one.
My name is Phil Ken Sebben. My law firm is ready to reach out to people all over the world! In fact, one of our most recent additions claims to be related to one of your newest crew members. We would like to inform-yadda, yadda, yadda!" Marco says as he tosses the letter to the floor. Daria reaches down and picks it up before hiding it in her green vest.
"Aha!" Marco says as he finds a new letter.
What is a bio-dome? This thing was mentioned in a few episodes. What is it?"
Marco turns to look at the camera. "You see, the bio-domes are special locations found within the newer pods that contain resources allowing for plants and animals to live in an artificial environment that bears some resemblance to their natural habitat. We have certain types of trees, grasses, berries, flowers, bushes, birds, lizards, snakes, chipmunks, squirrels, ants, bees, mantids, and even pigs, chickens, ducks, and turkeys living in these domes."
"But no cows or deer, or bison," Quentin adds. "Right. The largest bio-dome only has a radius of four kilometers," Marco says in agreement. "Um, isn't that still a pretty good distance," Daria asks them. "Well, it is, but that dome is used for farming wheat and corn and other vegetables and fruits," Quentin says to her. "What about the frozen stuff we get for the cafeterias and the restaurants?""
"Well, that would be the frozen meats, cheeses, and other dairy products," Quentin replies. "Don't forget about the canned foods we get from up top. That stuff takes up most of the room in our storage coolers and freezers," Sparks adds.
"Well, I guess I'll go next," Amy says before she picks up a letter.
I am a Nigerian prince. If you would send me-fuck that!" Amy says as she tears the letter in half. She picks up another one.
If Captain Murphy were given the opportunity to put his brain in the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot, would he do it?"
"You bet your nipples I would!" Murphy declares proudly. "What if you had to choose between your Happy-Bake oven and having the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot?" Daria asks him with a raised eyebrow. Murphy's eyes begin to twitch, before he starts foaming at the mouth and shaking his head while speaking in tongues. At this point, he falls onto the floor and starts writhing around in a manic form, before he gets up and runs out of the room, producing the Disney Goofy yell as the door slides shut behind him.
"Um... I guess I'll read the next one," Daria says as she picks up another letter.
Is the writer of this fan fiction a beautiful woman? I would like her address so that I may ask her out."
"Um, no. The writer of this series, Anguirus1955, is a man. We do not know where he lives or what he does for a living, as that is not the concern of fictional characters such as ourselves. And no, Anguirus1955 is not his real name," Daria explains as she looks at the camera.
"Ooh! Me next!" Jane exclaims as she picks up a letter.
Will there ever be a crossover with the characters of Aqua Teen Hunger Force?"
"Aqua what?" DeMartino asks her. "I have no idea," Jane says. "Are they, like, some kind of detective agency or mercenary group or something?" Amy asks out loud.
"I guess we'll just have to ignore that one and move on to another," Quentin says as he picks up a letter.
How often to Dr. Quinn and Quinn Morgendorffer get confused when they're in the same location and people say 'Quinn' while trying to get the attention of one of them?"
"Um, I guess that used to happen a lot, but after we started making sure that people call me Dr. Quinn, it lessened. Then we started having people call Quinn Morgendorffer Female Quinn, or even White Quinn," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "There's a lot less confusion now," he says with a smile.
"I'll go next," DeMartino says before picking up a letter.
"Dear Sealab Crew,
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my pants. They are still missing. Will you help me find them?"
DeMartino looks at the camera with a frown. "No. Never send mail to us again."
Stormy picks up a letter. "My turn," he says.
The Ultra Cola company would like to ask you to participate with us in a special funding program for schools and other endeavors. We-hey... is this spam mail?"
"I believe it is," Daria says in a disappointed tone. She and the others begin looking that the content of their fan mail and read them silently. They begin forming two piles of mail: one for spam, and one for non-spam. The spam pile is five times the size of the non-spam pile.
"You know, this is really disappointing," Jane says in a melancholy tone. "Yeah. I guess we could just stop now," Amy says as she picks up a letter from the non-spam pile. "Hey, this one is addressed to you, Daria," Amy says in surprise.
Daria looks at the letter and reads it to herself. She smiles. "Hey, Daria, what's up?" Jane asks her. "It's a letter from my parents. They want to tell me that they've gotten permission to use the communications system for a special conference call with me on my next birthday," Daria says with a hint of happiness in her voice. "Quinn, they're hoping to get permission for your birthday as well, but if they can't, the letter says that they'll wish you a happy birthday when they call me on mine," Daria says to her sister.
Shanks sighs before looking at the camera. "You know, this is really sweet. It's a shame that this letter from Daria's parents is the only thing that anyone is going to remember from this episode, aside from me, of course. Till next time," Shanks says. The screen then fades to black.
Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.
Here it is. Season 2 begins! Next episode sees the Sealab crew dealing with a murder mystery while a certain death metal band arrives for a special tour.
This series was originally posted on the Paper Pusher's Message Board.