Part 4: Legolas Learns the Ways of the Force
"I must save her!" thought Legolas, springing into superhero mode. He reached for his quiver but just as he discovered it was empty he noticed who was driving the car. It was Kili, with Fili riding shotgun in the front seat. The car pulled up inches from Tauriel and Kili stuck his head out of the window.
"Hey, babe, what do you think of my new ride?" he asked.
"Kili, what are you doing? Did you steal that car?" asked Legolas sternly.
"We're borrowing it," said Fili. "Come on, it's just like Mario kart racing."
Legolas watched in unbelief as Tauriel opened the back door to get in. Was she crazy? There was only one way to save her and that was to drive himself.
He tugged on the handle of the front door when suddenly a million security guards popped out of nowhere and rushed towards them.
"Stop where you are!" they shouted.
"Let's get out of here," said Tauriel.
Fili and Kili rapidly vacated the vehicle and dashed after her as she headed towards the exit. Legolas paused only one instant in confusion before dashing after them. He had to push his way straight through the crowd of people Tauriel had been getting autographs from. As he went, the annoying singer in baggy pants got in his way.
"Dude, your girlfriend's dumb," he said.
Legolas punched him.
They emerged from the mall into the bright sunlight and blinked. There in front of them were two extremely shiny figures. In fact, they were so bright from all of the sequins and bling they wore that they looked like rock stars from the eighties.
"Dad?" said Legolas unbelievingly.
"Hey, son," said Thranduil fabulously.
"Where have you been all this time?" asked Legolas.
"We found an indoor flea market," Thorin explained.
"Hey, your two nephews stole a car and now the police are after us," said Legolas accusingly.
Thorin facepalmed. "Where are those two worthless relatives of mine?" he asked in annoyance.
"They're right..." Legolas turned around but saw no sign of either Tauriel or the two dwarves. "Where'd they go? They were just here."
He looked around and saw a cinema. The sign over the front door read, Now Showing: Star Wars.
"They're probably over here," he said. "Come on!" He dashed into the theatre with Thranduil and Thorin behind him. It wasn't that he was exactly expecting to find the dwarves in there, but he wanted to see Star Wars.
They slipped into the back row just as the story started to roll across the screen: Long ago in a galaxy far, far away...
"This is going to be good," whispered Legolas, clutching his seat in anticipation. He'd always wanted to see a real-world movie.
"I thought we were going to look for my nephews," said Thorin.
"I'm sure they'll be fine," said Thranduil reassuringly. "Anyway, there will be time to look for them after the film is over."
"I'm not so sure they'll be fine," muttered Thorin. He had just caught sight of a small cyclone of popcorn flying around above several seats in the front row and he had an uncomfortable feeling about it.
Sure enough, only about ten minutes into the show (before the Imperial Forces had even had time to show up yet), several cinema employees passed them dragging two dwarves and an unwilling elleth.
"Let go! We paid for our tickets!" shouted Tauriel.
"What's the meaning of this disturbance?" asked Thranduil, confronting the employees.
"They were asked several times to stop catcalling and throwing popcorn at the screen," explained the employees.
"But the movie isn't over yet!" wailed Kili.
"Serves you right," said Thorin. "I've warned you before about making too much noise."
"You're right; they deserve it—throw them out," said Thranduil, with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"Hey!" shouted Tauriel angrily. "Hey, you can't just throw us out of here!"
All three of them were dragged off protesting.
"I guess we'd better go after them," said Thorin. "Otherwise they'll get into trouble."
"Go ahead," said Legolas.
"We'll wait for you here," said Thranduil.
They donned their 3-D glasses and continued to watch the show. The people in the row in front of them turned to give them odd looks.
"I think you're cosplaying for the wrong show," said somebody.
There was a disturbance further down the aisle. "Those blasted dwarves must have gotten back in," said Thranduil.
"Yeah," Legolas agreed.
Suddenly they noticed something strange waving around up front near the screen where the disturbance was taking place. Legolas blinked and rubbed his eyes.
"I'd say we're not the only ones who are cosplaying for the wrong show," he said. "That looks like an orc scimitar."
"That's weird," said Thranduil, stuffing popcorn into his mouth.
Yells could now be heard from the front of the auditorium. Legolas stood up and craned his neck to see down to the front rows.
"Ada, Ada," he said, tugging on Thranduil's sleeve, "that looks like ..."
He couldn't finish the sentence. Could it really be that reprehensible orc who had had the nerve to draw blood from the one and only prince Legolas of Greenwood? But how on earth had he gotten to the real world?
Thranduil stood up too. "This calls for the interference of the elvenking," he said. He swept fabulously down the steps towards the front of the theatre. Legolas got up and followed him, dire premonitions churning in his breast.
They made their way through the fleeing, screaming theatre-goers, finally reaching the cause of the disturbance. The pale orc and his overgrown offspring were waving their swords around and protesting loudly the intended expulsion of their persons from the theatre.
"HERE, I SAY, WE PAID FOR OUR TICKETS. WHAT'S THE BIG PROBLEM ANYWAY, HEY?"
"YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE TALKING? AND THOSE WERE THE DROIDS HE WAS LOOKING FOR, ANYWAY."
"What are you doing here, scum?" asked Thranduil, cutting rudely into the conversation.
"Yes, filth," said Legolas, trying to look as imposing as his father and failing rather miserably. "How did you manage to penetrate the impressive barriers between this world and our own fair Middle Earth? Don't tell me you drank tea at Radagast's."
The two orcs looked at each other in surprise. "YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED," said Azog. "WE WENT TO VISIT RADAGAST BUT WE COULDN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE AND THERE WAS TEA ALL LAID OUT ON THE TABLE LOOKING DELICIOUS SO WE JUST COULDN'T HELP OURSELVES."
"WE WERE THIRSTY," explained his son. "AND WE LOVE TEA."
Legolas facepalmed. "I should have known Tauriel would make a hash of everything," he said. "Why did I ever let her come along?"
"I should have known you and Tauriel were at the bottom of this," said Thranduil. "I only hope you have some means of reversing this witchery. You have put the inhabitants of this world at peril. Come, we must find a way of returning these two renegades to Middle Earth."
"Why not simply kill them here?" asked Legolas. "Then we would be rid of their foul taint forever."
"Unfortunately," said the elvenking drily, "I left my blade in Mirkwood. Unless you had the foresight to bring your bow and arrows, which it does not appear you had, I'm afraid we're completely unarmed. Whereas our opponents are armed to the teeth. So don't suggest violence to them in our present unprotected state if you value your continued existence."
"Oh," said Legolas, feeling foolish. "Um, okay..."
"You won't like the way this movie ends," said Thranduil. "You'd better leave now before you become angrier."
"Uh, ada, do you even know how this movie ends?" asked Legolas, who was rather curious as to whether Luke Skywalker would manage to defeat Darth Vader and find out who his father was.
"No," said Thranduil, "but I imagine the good guys win in the end as is common in real-world movies. And since these creatures happen to be rooting for the Empirial forces, I hazard a guess that they won't like the ending."
"ALL RIGHT," said Azog. "COME ON, SONNY. LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE THIS TOWN HAS TO OFFER."
"MAYBE THERE WILL BE TEA," said Bolg eagerly.
They traipsed out of the theatre while Legolas and Thranduil followed anxiously. Once more out on the street they looked around for the dwarves and Tauriel.
"One thing there has been a pleasant dearth of this time," remarked Thranduil, "is fangirls."
"Uh, yeah," said Legolas. "I wonder where they all are, anyway."
Screams erupting from further up the street turned their heads in that direction. Legolas's eyes grew wide as he spied Kili and Fili racing down the street with a giant spider in hot pursuit. Tauriel chased along behind the spider, waving a knife and trying to shoot her bow at the same time.
"What in the name of the Valar is going on?" cried Thranduil in amazement.
"I—I didn't know spiders drank tea," stuttered Legolas, turning several shades of unbecoming colours.
Azog and Bolg stared for two seconds before springing into hot pursuit of the spider, shouting in Black Speech for the spider to stop and face them like a brave arachnid.
Legolas facepalmed again. "This is horrible," he said. "Where will this end?"
He looked up to see Bard wandering towards them looking harried with his three kids hanging on him and trying to run off in all different directions at once.
"Have you seen Gandalf?" asked Bard. "He promised to babysit for me tonight, but he never showed up. And then I went to Radagast's to get him to fill in for Gandalf and drank some of the tea he had sitting out and suddenly found myself here. Where are we, anyway?"
Thranduil turned slowly upon his son. "It appears it is up to one of us to clear up this mess," he observed.
"Yes, ada," said Legolas humbly. "I'll—"
"And since it's obviously useless to expect you to do anything about it," Thranduil went on, "I shall have to do something myself. I—"
He stopped and even he seemed for a moment robbed of speech. Legolas looked up and turned around to see what he was staring at with his mouth hanging open.
"I am fire!" said a voice in the air above them as Smaug stepped over a building. "I am death." Smaug kicked over a small skyscraper.
"Something is very wrong," said Legolas, staring in wide-eyed horror.
His father spun around on him. "This is all your fault!" shouted Thranduil. "I told you not to try to return to the real world, but did you listen to me? No! And now look at the mess you've caused. When we get back to Middle Earth you're grounded for three ages."
"But ada!" Legolas protested. "It wasn't my fault! It was Tauriel. She dumped potion in the tea and caused all this mess."
"Shut up!" shouted Thranduil.
Before the argument could escalate any further, Thorin rushed from the melee of fleeing civilians and started trying ineffectually to slay Smaug. Azog and Bolg, catching sight of him, started trying to slay Thorin. A lot of random dwarves popped out of nowhere and started trying to slay the orcs. Amid the general confusion Gandalf and Bilbo stood in the shelter of a bus stop and watched the progress of the battle.
"Where even is Tauriel?" asked Legolas, looking around vainly for the cause of all the trouble. Tauriel had vanished. In fact, she had literally vanished, along with Fili and Kili. The next minute Legolas blinked and looked around to discover that everyone was back in Middle Earth. Smaug was still looking for innocent civilians to eat and the dwarves were still chasing him.
"Well, at least we're all back home," said Legolas. "See? All's well that ends well."
"You're still grounded," said Thranduil. "And you're never allowed to visit Radagast ever again. And you're not allowed to be friends with Tauriel anymore. She's a bad influence on you."
"What?" said Legolas. "But ada, I wish to marry her!"
"I will not permit it," said Thranduil. "Besides, I hate to break it to you, but she's in love with the dwarf."
"Noooooooo!" said Legolas broken-heartedly. "I punched Bustin Jeiber for her!"
He wiped tears from his eyes in time to see Tauriel still chasing the giant spider. "I'll save you, Kili!" she yelled.
"Hey, what about me?" yelled Fili.
Legolas sighed. Maybe his ada was right. Perhaps Tauriel really was a bad influence on him. Besides, she made life just a little too exciting.