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Six Fights that Jar Jar Never Experienced, and One He Possibly Did

#1 – AU Episode 2

"Meesa being sooo happy to see yousa again, Chancellor!"

The screeched and garbled words send an ice pick through his mind, and without thinking about it (really, he slept very poorly last night), he slides the lightsaber from his sleeve and beheads the hapless Gungan with a flick of his wrist.

The members of the Jedi Council and a small clump of Senators, gathered in a respectful half circle around his office, stare down in numb disbelief at the limp body. Padme's jaw is nearly on the floor.

"Awkward, this is," Yoda finally croaks.

Mace Windu tilts his head. "I suppose we ought to arrest you for a being a Sith and all that, but honestly I feel like giving you a medal instead."

Palpatine offers a weak smile. "One good deed deserves another?"

They huddle up in front of his desk for a good five minutes, until Yoda steps back and announces, "Let this one slide, we will, for the good of the galaxy."

And Palpatine is slightly offended to discover that he is, ultimately, considered the lesser of two evils.

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#2 – AU Episode 1

When the Gungan puts his foot through the thin top of the priceless ceremonial Gran war drum, Palpatine bites his lip and manages to reassure Queen Amidala that, no, he is quite grateful she brought a representative of the Gungan people with her.

When the blithering idiot causes his best chef to throw in the towel and quit before dinner, Palpatine imagines filleting the Gungan and serving him up as the main course that evening, but naturally he declines to carry it out. Amidala would not be pleased, and Gungans are surprisingly high in fat content.

When Jar Jar Binks trips him up in the Senate hallway in front of three dozen of his peers, he plasters on a self-deprecating smile and waves away the Gungan's disgustingly moist hand. Of course, that does no good, because the monstrosity is determined to make things right, and eventually half the party ends up on the floor in a tangle of limbs and muttered apologies.

But when Jar Jar gets his tongue stuck in the door of the speeder on their return to 500 Republica, right before the powerful engines ignite, a judicious twist of the Force finally satisfies his curiosity: How long can a Gungan tongue stretch? As they are scraping the pink remains from the side of the neighboring tower, he estimates: a good meter and a half.

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#3 – Post Episode 3

He does not normally attend the executions, but in this case he will make an exception. The wretch's long snout is wrapped in a restrictive muzzle, one of the stipulations. He will not put up with the squeaky butchery of language another moment longer. Jar Jar's eyes blink at him in eternal confusion from under the clinical light of the underground chamber.

He settles into the simple black chair along the far wall with a sigh. "Take your time, my friend," he tells the executioner. "I have been waiting a long time for this."

Afterwards, when the muted squeals have died away and the blood has dried on the cold floor, he reflects that even the destruction of the Jedi Order was nowhere near as satisfying, at least on a personal level.

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#4 – AU Episode 3

"Yousa! Yousa betrayin' us all!"

The Gungan's horrified cry reverberates around the large office, and he leaps to his clumsy feet and dashes for the door. Palpatine slashes one hand up, and Jar Jar slams nose-first into the opposite wall, sliding to the floor with a whimper.

Another twitch of his hand, and like a puppet suspended from invisible strings, the amphibian's lanky body lifts into the air and drifts back to the desk, where it settles into one of the chairs. Jar Jar clutches his bloodied snout, his large eyes wide with abject fear.

"Betrayal is such a harsh word," Palpatine tilts his own head, "particularly when I was never on your side to begin with."

Jar Jar's mouth works, but no words escape, and his hands drop to his throat in a desperate caress for air. Palpatine gets up and saunters around the edge of his desk, crouching in front of the bugged-eyed Gungan. He reaches out and catches both of the slippery hands and relinquishes his grip on the long throat.

Jar Jar stares, the barest hint of hope resurfacing. Palpatine offers a pitying smile.

And like Plagueis did to the horrified Iktotchi prophet of Saleucami, Palpatine lets the lightning trickle in through the long limbs and boils Jar Jar's blood. When the heart finally stops, he looks up, feeling a touch of impulsive playfulness, and tucks the sagging tongue back into the slack-jawed mouth. Returning to his desk, he adopts a concerned urgency as he presses his comlink and calls to his guards.

Such a tragic accident. So unfortunate that Jar Jar stumbled up against that open power socket, but who can say the Gungan wasn't terribly clumsy? He will have to work up a tear or two before the state funeral.

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#5 – AU Episode 1

"Yousa don't wanna be doin' that! Mesa Sith Lord!" Jar Jar squeaks, slimy hands poised in front him, a haphazard lightsaber handle clenched in his right paw. When the blade ignites with a sputter, it is a sickly pink color, similar to the Gungan's skin.

"You?" Palpatine stares, genuinely stunned for the first time in decades. Was this Plagueis's idea of a joke? Surely even his late master was not so cruel as that…

But Jar Jar's head bobs proudly. "Yes, mesa!"

"Preposterous!" he snaps, and the smell of fried Gungan fills the air.

He nudges the smoking body with his boot, and the only thought that comes to mind is: That's never going to come out of the carpet.

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#6 – AU Between Episodes 2 and 3

"Gaak, augh, ?" The sounds coming from the Gungan would be distressing to most individuals, but to him, they are music of the sweetest quality. Padme Amidala and two other Senators are out of their chairs and beside Jar Jar in a heartbeat, but the slimy-tongued fool cannot seem to catch his breath.

Palpatine slides out of his own chair and moves to the entrance of the exclusive dining room in the Manarai's highest level, where he waves the guards close. "Send for medical assistance," he barks, proud of the tense worry in his voice. "Representative Binks is choking on his food!"

He turns back to watch the Gungan collapsing to the floor, and he barely resists the smile that tugs at his lips. Of course, I am no medical expert. It could be something else entirely.

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#7 – Episode 3 (based on a mentioned "missing scene" by the actor who played Jar Jar)

The creature never understands that his fight is not with the Separatists, but with his own innate stupidity. Palpatine is walking alongside the Gungan in the Senate hall, and Bink's tongue is flapping with its usual lack of grace, but the Chancellor cannot bring himself to care this time. Instead, his mindset is the closest he may ever come to authentic cheerfulness.

Today is the day that everything changes; he can feel it in the deepest currents of the Force, in the riptide that is gathering at the edges of the Jedi Temple, in the apprehension that soaks the Senate chambers. Everyone feels that something is wrong today, but he is the only one that knows everything is absolutely, unequivocally right.

They have dug their own grave, beginning with mindless lackeys like the one that stumps along beside him. Have I ever thanked him? It would be the polite thing to do, he muses. Let it never be said that the Sith cannot show good manners.

"Representative Binks."

The perched eyeballs goggle in his direction, and the Gungan nearly trips over his own feet. "Yes, Chancellor? What can mesa be doin' for yousa?"

"Do you recall the day the Senate granted me emergency powers?" If your miniscule brain can think back that far…

"Oh yes! Mesa remember pitty good! Bombad day for us," Jar Jar's head begins to bob up and down. "Bombad!"

His lips thin imperceptibly. The only thing worse than his existence is his systematic destruction of any tongue he speaks, although 'speak' may not be the right descriptor here. "I think of it often, my friend. I think of where the galaxy might be without the events of that day."

"Erm…" And he knows that the nervous amphibian must be turning over Amidala's suspicions in his mind. Tight-fisted Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, unwilling to give up the power bestowed on him by the people. Power championed by Jar Jar Binks. He sees the connection begin to form between the massive ear flaps, Jar Jar's face squeezing tightly in thought, and then the moment is gone. "Mesa not be knowin' much about that, sirree. Mesa just wants my friends and peoples safe."

Why does he always develop a headache around this thing? Oh yes, because I am allergic to idiots. He goes for the more direct route. "Jar Jar, what you did for the Republic that day, what you did for me, well, I don't know if it can ever be fully repaid."

Binks looks alarmed, and his hands come up to flap helplessly in his embarrassment. "Mesa wantin' nothing back, Chancellor, oh please, mesa only did what I thought was right."

And now you don't know if it was. Palpatine pauses in the hall and lays a hand on the Gungan's shoulder, suppressing a shudder. "You followed your conscience, Representative Binks, as we must all do in difficult times. But nevertheless I thank you. It was not a decision that could be made lightly. I imagine even Senator Amidala may have paled in the face of such responsibility."

"Responsibility?" Jar Jar's tongue drapes dejectedly from the side of his large mouth as he struggles to form the word, his ears sinking low on his head, snout drooping. He clearly does not relish the thought.

"Your trust in me made all this possible, my friend," Palpatine amplifies the goodwill in his voice and extends a hand to the propaganda posters lining the Senate Hall, the images of the massive warships and loyal clones, the blaring messages of hope and security. His ministers of communication have done excellent work.

Is it his imagination, or does the Gungan lose some of his pink coloring?

He steps closer and turns the creature toward him with a warm smile. "You deserve much more than simple gratitude, Representative Binks. I promise I will see to it that you are duly rewarded someday."

Jar Jar looks like he wants to argue, or run away, but no one says no to the Supreme Chancellor, so he bows in his ungainly way and fumbles at his hands. Palpatine chokes back laughter and enjoys the moment. It's the little things in life, he thinks as they resume the slow, winding path down to the executive office, where he can give Jar Jar Binks a front row seat to the signing of yet another executive order.

All for the good of the people, of course.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

I've noticed recently, and some readers have pointed out, that Jar Jar makes few to no appearances in my stories. I think I initially blocked him from my mind as a response to the trauma he induced. That said, one of the most hilarious things I've watched recently is the Force Awakens trailer in which all the characters have been replaced by the Gungan's smiling mug. Nightmare fuel, that…

As you may have noticed, neither I nor Palpatine hold any soft spot for Jar Jar, so this wasn't destined to end too well for him. I enjoyed writing these far too much.

Leave a review, if you'd like. Which was your favorite?