A/N: This was written for TexasRevoFan for the Very Charloe Christmas Assignment 2015. I hope you guys like it!
"I've got twelve presents for you," Bass said.
"An inch doesn't count as a present," Charlie said, rolling her eyes.
"No, seriously. I have twelve presents and they are going to be doled out over the twelve days of Christmas," Bass said.
"Well, I never really understood when the twelve days of Christmas were. Do they start on the twenty-fifth? Do they end on the twenty-fifth?" Charlie asked. "I just never bothered to learn."
"Well, I'd assume they'd start on the fourteenth of December and end on the actual day of Christmas," Bass said, but now he wasn't so sure about it.
"Well, since that blackout, we don't have internet, so we can't really check," Charlie pointed out.
"Okay, cool so it's December fourteenth which means..." Bass announced loudly.
"I'm on my period, that's what it means," Charlie said.
"Bullshit," Bass said. "I have a period tracker on my iphone."
"I just said we don't have the internet."
"I've been carving out a tally on a tree to keep track," Bass said.
"Please tell me you're kidding."
"I call your present The Twelve Days of Intercourse," Bass said.
"Why do we live together?"
"It must be the twelve-inch thing," Bass guessed.
"Oh, yeah. That's right."
On the First Day of Intercourse
"Bass, that's not intercourse!" Charlie said.
"Yes, it is!"
"Oral does not count as intercourse!" Charlie yelled.
"You weren't supposed to know that, though. Who taught you Sex Ed during the blackout?"
"Aaron taught me."
"He did what to you?" Bass asked. "Are you sure he even knows enough to teach you?"
"Yeah, he worked for Google. There's lots of porn on Google I hear," Charlie said.
"Yeah," Bass said. "I wish they'd get that up and running again."
"Forget it, you ruined the moment."
On the Second Day of Intercourse
"Okay, this time we're having regular, normal, intercourse," Bass said.
"Umm... okay. Do I get naked or what?" she asked.
"Did Aaron not tell you that part?" Bass asked.
"I don't know. I've just never done this before!" Charlie said.
"I've seen you having sex with my son!" Bass said angrily.
"We weren't having sex! He was trying to warm me up. He said the best thing for hypothermia is to cuddle naked," Charlie said.
"How did you get hypothermia in New Vegas?" Bass asked incredulously.
"From your cold icy soul," Charlie said.
"I guess we're not having sex today," Bass sighed.
On the Third Day of Intercourse
"Okay; does intercourse have to be vaginal?" Bass asked.
"I'm not having the conversation," Charlie said.
On the Fourth Day of Intercourse
"My stomach hurts," Charlie complained.
On the Fifth Day of Intercourse
"I'm sorry, Charlie. Miles needs me for..." Bass said. "I'll explain later."
"Are you fucking serious?" Charlie asked.
On the Sixth Day of Intercourse
Bass and Charlie were making out on the bed. He unhooked her bra with ease. She could feel his erection against her.
"Guess who brought Monopoly?" Miles asked, as he entered the house.
On the Seventh Day of Intercourse
"Okay, I'm beginning to think you don't want to have sex with me," Bass said.
"It's not that, Bass. I promise. Let's do it right now before anything else can ruin it," Charlie suggested.
Suddenly there were gunshots being fired. Bass guessed they were close. Within half a mile.
"Charlie go hide in the basement," Bass said. "I'm going to check this out."
"Fuck you, Bass. I'm perfectly capable of checking it out with you. Don't be a sexist pig," Charlie said.
On the Eight Day of Intercourse
"Okay, so apparently Miles really doesn't want this to happen, so much that he was shooting things to try to distract us," Bass said. "And even worse, he brought Monopoly."
"I'm still mad that you won," Charlie said, frowning.
"I'm still mad you flipped the table!" Bass said.
"Fuck you, Bass!"
On the Ninth Day of Intercourse
"Okay, it is 5:34 am and we are going to have sex now," Bass said.
There was knock on the door.
"Ignore it, please," Bass begged.
"Hey, Charlie! I bought you a puppy!" Miles shouted.
On the Tenth Day of Intercourse
"It just keeps crapping everywhere!" Bass said.
On the Eleventh Day of Intercourse
"Bass, we've got to go to the Christmas Eve church service, then I promise we'll have sex," Charlie said.
"Are you even old enough to remember religion?" Bass asked.
"This is important to me," Charlie said.
"Okay," Bass agreed.
Three hours later:
"I just can't believe how much I've been missing," Charlie said. "I mean all those miracles Jesus did! I've got to read the whole bible, right now!"
On the Twelfth Day of Intercourse (Which is Actually the Day of Christmas, Although in Reality the Twelve Days of Christmas Actually Start on December 25th, Which is the Commonly Accepted Day for Christmas):
Charlie got up at six o'clock ready to let the dog out, but she didn't find him. Instead, she found Bass dressed up as Santa Claus sitting on the couch. She was glad he didn't have the fake white beard.
"Come sit on my lap," Bass said.
"Where's the puppy?" Charlie asked.
"Miles is babysitting him," Bass said. "I think he's finally on board."
"So, wait. My uncle is babysitting a dog that does nothing but go to the bathroom on the floor and chew things on Christmas day by himself so we can have sex?" Charlie asked."Awesome."
Bass kissed her.
"Keep the Santa hat on," Charlie said.