61Author's Note: I know I only posted chapter 7 here today, but I was trying to get it caught up with what I'd posted on tumblr. I was pretty sure I was going to finally have this new chapter ready tonight (after taking more than a month to write it) and I wanted to post here at the same time as I put it up on tumblr. So enjoy!
Chapter 8
"This has been happening way too often lately," Riley complained mildly as her dad carried her up the stairs to their apartment. "I think I'm starting to get baby flashbacks or something."
"Believe me, kid, you're no baby," Cory told her, breathing heavily as he trudged up the steps with her. "I remember babies. Babies are feathers. This, in my arms, is no feather."
"Dad," she protested. "You're saying I'm fat?"
"No, I'm saying I'm fat." He huffed breathlessly as he climbed another few steps. "Man, I gotta hit the gym," he muttered as he labored under her slight weight.
"You're not fat, Dad," Riley scoffed, dismissing the thought with a wave. "You're just old," she finished blithely.
"Oh, thank you. Thank you very much for that," Cory drily replied with a nod. "You know, you might wanna be nicer to me, considering I'm gonna be the one schlepping you up and down these stairs for the next few days."
"Schlepping." She let out a bubble of laughter. "That's a funny word," she drawled in observation, her face drawn up in a smile. "Schllleppp." She sounded it out, slightly popping the 'p'.
Cory craned his head back a bit to look down at her in amusement. "Those pain pills are workin' pretty good, are they?"
"Yeah," she breathed out happily. "I feel good. I'm not worried about Maya, or Lucas, or anything."
His lips tightened in sympathy and his arms contracted around her in a kind of hug. "I'm glad, honey," he said sincerely.
When they were almost to their floor, they found Topanga waiting for them up on the landing. "I thought I heard you two coming up," she called down to them as they continued to climb.
"Hi, Mommy," Riley greeted her lightly.
"Hi, sweetie. How's your ankle?"
"It's okay, but daddy still has to schlllepp me around." She drew out the funny word her dad had introduced and giggled.
When the two of them joined her on the landing Topanga was smiling humorously, but her expression was quizzical as she looked at her husband.
"Pain meds," he explained in a lowered aside.
"Ah," her head tipped back in understanding. "So you're feeling no pain right now, huh?" Putting her hand on Cory's back as they rounded the banister, she ushered them to the apartment from behind.
"I'm not, but Daddy is." Riley spoke to her over Cory's shoulder. "He said I'm not a baby feather," she accused with a pout.
"He did?" Topanga said in mock outrage while biting back a laugh. "Cory," she scolded, playfully slapping him on the back. "Of course our daughter is a baby feather."
"Y'think so? Then you can try carrying her next time," he said sardonically, still trying to catch his breath from the climb.
As they entered the apartment Auggie came running into the living room to meet them. "Is she here? Did she get crutches?" he was calling eagerly before he'd even entered the room.
"No crutches, Auggie. Sorry," Riley answered as Cory continued on through the apartment to take her to her room.
"It's okay," her little brother shrugged, trailing along behind them. "I just wanted to see if they hurt your armpits," he explained in all seriousness. Before anyone had a chance to comment on the humorous statement he was already moving on. "How come they didn't even put a cast on it?" The query almost sounded like a protest. To his mind, if his sister's ankle was really hurt bad it needed something more than the flimsy bandage that was wrapped around it.
"The doctor said her ankle is just strained, bubba. They usually only put on a cast when you have a broken bone," Cory explained as they all crossed the room to Riley's bed.
"Denny Mayfield in my class sprained his wrist falling off the jungle gym. His doctor put on a cast," Auggie reasoned. "It wasn't the kind we could sign though. It was soft and it had velcro."
As Cory set Riley gently down on top of her purple comforter, Topanga rounded the end of the bed to go to the other side. "A strain is not quite as bad as a sprain, honey," she told Auggie as she went.
While she fussed around Riley, fluffing pillows and piling them comfortably behind her back, Cory explained the difference between a strain and a sprain to their youngest.
When the inquisitive little boy got through with all his questions, he turned an earnest look on his injured sister. "Does it hurt, Riley?"
Shaking her head with a smile, she reached out for his hand. "Not right now, Aug. The doctor gave me some great pain pills."
"Good," he said in approval. "You want me to sit with you and keep you company?"
"Yeah. If you want to," she replied affectionately.
"How about I help you put on something more comfortable first," Topanga suggested, lifting the folded pants and shirt she'd just taken out of Riley's dresser. At Riley's nod of acquiescence, she said, "Okay, boys, can you clear out and give us a few minutes?"
In compliance, Auggie scampered out the door ahead of his dad, calling back to Riley, "I'll go pick out a story for us to read."
Topanga closed the door behind them then went over to Riley on the bed. "Let's try and get this dress off first, okay?"
Riley did what she could to help, lifting herself briefly so her mom could get the skirt out from under her, then raising her arms so she could pull it off over her head.
While her head was lost inside the folds of fabric, she mumbled, "There's more baby flashbacks."
"What?"
When her head emerged she could see her mom's questioning expression.
"Between Dad carrying me and you helping me dress, I'm starting to feel like a baby again," Riley elaborated.
Topanga smiled, understanding now where the baby feather comment had come from.
"Babies have it easy," Riley pondered dreamily. "They're loved, they get taken care of, and all their choices are made for them."
"Yeah," Topanga said consideringly, helping her into a long sleeved pullover. "But the freedom that comes with being an adult has a lot to be said for it, too."
"I guess," the younger girl agreed without enthusiasm. "But that means you have to make decisions. Hard ones."
"That's true," her mom acknowledged.
Getting the loose-legged pants onto Riley without jostling her ankle too much was the most difficult part of getting her dressed. For the next few moments their only words were the directives they gave each other as they struggled to get them on.
Once Riley was dressed, she leaned back into the pillows with a sigh. Her ankle was twinging with pain now and she wanted the warm cloud she'd been floating on to come back.
"Are you okay? Did we hurt your ankle?"
Her mom's concern reminded her of Lucas's solicitousness at school, and suddenly he was flooding her thoughts.
"Maybe a little," she answered. "But it'll be okay."
"Okay, if you're sure. But if we need to get some ice put on it or something let me know."
Riley just nodded. Her mom bundled up the dress they'd taken off and crossed the room to put it in the clothes hamper, then went over to the bed to adjust the pillow she'd placed under the injured ankle. Riley watched her bustle around and let her pain meds work their magic.
"Mom?"
"Yeah, honey?" Topanga stopped what she was doing and gave her daughter her attention.
"I don't think of Lucas as a brother," she confessed, seemingly out of the blue.
"No?" Coming around the bed, she sat down beside Riley, sensing there was more.
Riley shook her head. "I said I love him like a brother, but..." She pulled in a breath. "I just love 'im," she said on the exhale, her tone somewhat offhanded.
"You do?" Topanga asked softly, her heart swelling for her little girl. She'd suspected it was true, but she'd thought it would take a little more time for it to develop that far. Riley and Lucas were still so young, but she and Cory had been their age when they'd said their first I love yous, so she wouldn't discount their feelings. The acknowledgement was bittersweet though. Her baby was growing up.
"Yeah, I love him a lot I think," Riley reiterated, "But I don't want to be his girlfriend. I think Maya is gonna be his girlfriend."
Trying to process that, Topanga asked, "Does Maya love him?"
"I don't know," she shrugged a shoulder. "I think so. They almost kissed," she offered as proof.
"When was this?" The older woman arched a brow.
"In Texas, after I told Lucas I wanted us to be brother and sister."
"That was pretty fast, wasn't it?" Topanga frowned.
"Yeah," Riley answered, watching her fingers draw patterns on her comforter. "They're like- Damien and Helena."
"Who?" Her expression confused, she tried to think of anyone they knew by those names.
"I don't know." The young girl shrugged half-heartedly. "They just have all this passion. Or something." Her gaze was still unfocused as her lips turned down in a sympathetic pout. Sadly, as if she were talking about someone else, she tacked on, "Poor Riley doesn't even hold a candle."
Topanga had no way of knowing that her daughter was repeating the comments she'd overheard in the school restroom earlier that week, but it was obvious to her that Riley had heard it from somewhere.
"Ookay," she stopped her right there. "First of all, you kids are too young to 'have all this passion or something'. I know feelings can be strong and overwhelming, and it's easy to get swept away by them, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them. If that's the reason Lucas and Maya's almost-kiss didn't happen, then I think that's a good thing. I don't think they're ready to go where that would take them. I don't think any of you are ready for that.
"And secondly," she took Riley's face between her palms and turned it toward hers, "you, my sweet, strong, amazingly kind-hearted daughter- you," she wobbled the girl's head gently between her hands and thrust her own face slightly forward so that she was speaking directly to her, "can hold a candle to anyone. Just because what you have with someone- whether it be friends, family, or someone you love- doesn't conform to what other people think it should look like, that doesn't make it inferior. You," again, she emphasized the word with a gentle shake, "are a unique individual. And the people in your life are all unique. That means your relationships will be your own. If what you have together is healthy and right, and it makes you and the other person happy and fulfilled, then don't worry what other people say about it."
Letting go of her face, she put her arms around her daughter, gathering her close to her side, and held her loosely. "Kids always try to grow up so fast," she lamented. "They're so eager to take on things that they might not be ready to handle. You? Just keep being you. Go at your own pace, Riley. I promise you, you'll get there," she told her, her arms tightening around her in a hug. "And if you're with the right person, someone who loves you and wants what's best for you, he'll be happy to go along at your pace." Topanga pulled back to look at her, still holding her loosely in the circle of her arms. "Okay?"
Smiling, Riley nodded. "Okay. Thanks, mom," she said warmly. For the first time since she'd heard those girls in the bathroom she felt like maybe it was okay that she and Lucas hadn't had some fiery, intense relationship. They'd always just been them and that was good enough. Of course, her warm cloud was back around her, so that might have something to do with her feelings of easy acceptance.
"So, you think Maya loves him, too, huh?" Topanga brushed a lock of Riley's hair over her shoulder and stroked her fingers through it as she spoke. "And that's why you're just going to be friends with him?"
"Well that was all I wanted us to be anyway, so..."
With a confused frown, she asked, "Why's that?"
Riley shrugged. "I don't want us to end up like Uncle Shawn and Angela," she reasoned. "Lucas is too important to me. If we dated, we'd break up eventually, and I wouldn't want us to stop talking after that and completely lose him from my life."
"If he's that important to you, and he feels the same way, it sounds like you wouldn't let that happen," her mom said in a near-repeat of what Lucas had told her earlier. "You don't think that if Maya dates Lucas the same thing won't happen to them?"
Riley blinked. Somehow that had never even occurred to her. "I hadn't really thought about it," she admitted to her mom. Now that it had been pointed out it seemed crazy that she hadn't thought of it.
If it was a given that she and Lucas would break up at some point after dating, it was just as inevitable that it would happen with Maya and Lucas. And what if they didn't part on friendly terms? What if they didn't want anything to do with each other after it was over? Riley would be forced to choose between them and she couldn't bear to lose either one of them. The whole idea of it was upsetting.
"I didn't mean to worry you," Topanga told her, running a soothing hand across her back. "I was just pointing out that we can't really know how the choices we make are going to turn out in the end."
"Then how do we even make them?" Riley questioned, brow furrowed in a frown.
Her mom replied shruggingly, "I think all we can do is make the most informed decisions we can. And if they don't work out ideally, we do what we can to change the outcome. Does that make sense?"
Riley wasn't sure but she thought what her mom was saying jibed with their plan to tell each other the truth and decide where to go from there.
"I'm not sure," she said in answer. "I guess so. I think those pills are making me a little fuzzy," she confessed.
Smiling, Topanga patted her gently, saying, "That's okay, sweetie. We can talk about this later if you want."
"I'll probably need to," Riley acknowledged. "Maya and Lucas are coming over later so we can talk. I'm supposed to tell Maya that I don't love him like a brother."
"That sounds like a difficult conversation. Are sure it's wise to be having it when you're feeling 'fuzzy'?"
"They won't be here for another..." she looked at her bedside clock, "hour or so. The pills should be worn off a little by then, shouldn't they?"
"Probably so," Topanga concurred. Pushing back the hair framing her daughter's face and hooking it behind her ear, she suggested, "Maybe you could let Auggie read you to sleep, and I'll wake you up when they get here."
"I am kind of tired," Riley admitted, agreeable to the plan.
"Let's get you fixed up then." Rising from the bed to go around to Riley's other side, she and the younger girl worked to get her under the covers while keeping the weight of the bedcovers off of her ankle.
"You know, there's one thing I haven't heard you mention in all of this," Topanga remarked while she was arranging the covers over her. "Maybe you don't know the answer, but it seems like a pretty important detail."
"What's that?" Riley asked, scooting down so she could lay her head on the pillows.
As she adjusted the covers around her daughter's foot, she posed the question she was wondering about. "Which one of you does Lucas love?" When Riley just looked at her she questioned further, "Have you asked him?"
Had she come right out and asked him? No. Riley wasn't sure if the things he'd said in the nurse's office that afternoon meant that he actually loved her, but it seemed like he felt something for her. The same could be said for Maya though.
"That seems like something you all should know before making an informed decision," Topanga noted after a few moments of silence.
"What if he loves both of us?"
"I'm not sure I believe you can love two people at the same time. Not with the same kind of love, and with the same intensity. I don't have personal experience, so I can't say for sure, but it seems to me that if someone was feeling that way then maybe they just need to sort their feelings out. In time, I think they'd figure out that they loved one more, or in a different way, than the other."
Before Riley had a chance to think about that, they were interrupted by her little brother calling impatiently from the other side of her door, "Aren't you decent yet?"
Emitting a short laugh that she shared with her mother, she answered, "Yeah. Come on in, Auggie, it's fine."
Opening the door, Auggie scampered inside and over to the bed. He held a juice box in one hand and a book tucked under his arm.
"What book did you bring?" Topanga asked him indulgently, already recognizing the familiar worn cover.
"'Murray the Marvelous Moose'." The little boy showed it to them briefly before laying the book on the bed and scrambling up himself to sit beside his sister.
"Good choice," Riley approved, knowing it was still one of his favorites.
"We've decided our patient needs a little nap," their mom informed him, giving one last adjustment to Riley's covers. "You think you can read her to sleep?"
Auggie nodded confidently. "I'm good at bedtime stories," he assured them, dragging the book over to his lap. Once he was settled he handed the juice box to Riley, saying, "This is for you."
"Thank you, Auggie," she said fondly, touched by his attempt to take care of her.
"I'll leave you two to it," Topanga said, backing away. "I'll wake you in an hour, Riley."
"Thanks, Mom." Jabbing the small straw into her box of juice, Riley lifted her head to take a few sips, then set it aside to snuggle down into the pillows.
Auggie had the book open on his lap and was leafing to the first page of the story. "I can do the voices good, but I'm not as good at it as Mommy or Daddy," he said apologetically.
"I'm sure you'll be great," she encouraged, her eyes already feeling heavy.
"One day, Murray the moose woke up and didn't want to be a moose anymore..." he began.
Riley was very familiar with the story he was reading. He'd had the book for over two years and everyone in the family had read it to him more than once as part of his own bedtime ritual. She had to smile at his attempt to deepen his voice the way she'd heard their dad do when he was reading Murray's dialogue.
She was with the moose up until he decided he wanted to be a porpoise, and then she was down for the count.
The next thing she knew, her mom was gently shaking her awake, saying, "Riley? It's been almost an hour, honey. I thought you'd want a little time to get woken up before your friends get here."
Opening her eyes, Riley responded in a voice that was gravelly from sleep. "'kay. Thanks, Mom."
Waking more fully, she inhaled deeply. She was midway through a full body stretch when her ankle reminded her it was injured. The pang that shot through her leg when she pointed her toes was sharp and insistent.
"Ow," she said flatly, wincing at the pain.
"Are you okay?" her mom asked instantly.
"Yeah, I guess I just forgot for a second."
"Do we need to do anything for it? Ice, another pillow? Your dad brought some cream home with you that might help with the soreness."
"Maybe in a minute," she replied. "Right now I really just need to go the bathroom." She huffed a little self-conscious laugh.
They called her dad in to help, and though Riley protested that he didn't have to carry her there, he did it anyway, arguing that it would be less strain on her ankle that way.
He carried her back to bed when she was finished, and her mom helped her get situated amongst the covers.
She glanced at Riley's face as she was straightening out the comforter beneath her. "Nervous?" she asked empathetically.
Riley made a face at being so easy to read. "Yeah," she admitted, smoothing out the fabric of her pants. Now that her pain meds had worn off a little, her worry over the coming conversation was back in full force. "I just want her not to be upset with me for not telling her the truth before," she said with a diffident little smile.
Topanga nodded in understanding. "She may be upset that you weren't truthful with her at first. But you wanted to give her a fair chance with Lucas. That's why you did it, right?" She still hadn't been given all the particulars, so she partially asked to make sure she'd figured everything out correctly. When Riley confirmed that she had, she said, "I'm sure Maya will understand that." She rubbed her daughter's back in reassurance. "I'm just glad you're telling the truth now. Maybe now that you'll all be clear on each other's feelings you can come to a mutual decision about what to do about them."
"That's what Lucas said," she said with mild surprise, marveling that they'd both come to the same conclusion.
"Well, Lucas is a very smart young man," Topanga said fondly. "I hope you girls will ask him about his feelings too when you talk this afternoon. I know your relationship with Maya is very important, but don't be so intent on keeping your friendship with her intact that you're not completely fair to him, okay?"
"Okay," Riley agreed, feeling guilty that maybe she had been focusing more on doing what was right for Maya than she had on Lucas. But it wasn't like she'd forced him to do anything. He'd asked Maya out all on his own. And almost kissing her was entirely his doing too, she reminded herself darkly.
Her mom doctored her ankle with the cream her dad had brought from the pharmacy, then she rewrapped it and helped get it comfortably placed on the pillow again. After bringing her a bottle of water and making sure she didn't need anything else, she left Riley with the parting statement that dinner would be ready in an hour or so.
Only a few minutes after she'd left, Maya climbed into view outside the bay window. Taking a deep breath, Riley tried to quell the nervous dread pooling in her stomach. But her fingers betrayed her by fiddling restlessly with the comforter beside her leg as her best friend entered through the window.
"Hey. How ya doin', honey?" she asked, crossing the room, sympathy coloring her features.
The warm familiarity of the greeting made Riley smile in spite of her nerves. "Not too bad," she answered. "The pain meds I took a couple of hours ago are holding up pretty good."
"Oh, yeah? They gave you the good stuff, huh? What did the doctor say, did you sprain it?" She cast a look at the injured ankle, wrapped thoroughly in its ace bandaging.
"He said it was strained and it would probably take a few weeks to heal. I'm supposed to try and stay off of it as much as I can."
"So I guess you'll be hobbling for the forseeable future. That kinda sucks," she empathized, sitting on the bed at Riley's hip.
"Coulda been worse, I guess," Riley shrugged. "I shouldn't have been climbing around on that stool."
"Yeah, good thing Huckleberry was there to catch you." Maya's lips twisted in a wry sort of smile, her eyes turned down toward her lap.
"Yeah. Good thing," Riley echoed with an uncomfortable little laugh, looking at the other girl searchingly. She wondered what Maya had seen when Lucas had caught her, and what she was thinking if she had, but her face stayed downturned, giving Riley no clues.
"Speaking of Huckleberry," Maya said, finally lifting her eyes to glance toward the window. "I figured he'd be here by now. He said to be here at 5:00." Turning her gaze back to Riley, she said, "He was actin' all weird and mysterious, and said we all needed to talk. Do you know what he was talking about?"
Now it was Riley's turn to look away as her trepidation rose. "Yeah," she admitted. "I, uh- I have something to tell you, actually. And we thought we should all talk about it. After I tell you what I have to tell you," she ramblingly reiterated.
Maya frowned, her expression becoming uneasy. "What do you have to tell me? Riley, what's going on?"
Riley just looked at her for a moment, her face twisted with reluctant distress. "It's about what I said in Texas. And what I've been saying ever since we got back." She knew she was stalling, and Maya was looking more tense by the minute, so she finally just blurted it out. "I don't really think of Lucas like a brother."
Maya just looked confused at first and shook her head bewilderedly. "You lied?" Riley merely bit her lip in answer, causing the other girl to question her further. "So what are you saying? Are you saying you still like him?"
Riley displayed another moment of reticence, then minutely nodded her head, but the look on her face was really all the confirmation Maya needed.
"Riley, how could you lie to me about that? I went out with him because I thought you were gonna be brother and sister!" She stopped as realization hit. "And that's why you did it, didn't you? Riley!" She rose abruptly from the bed in anger, not even needing a confirmation this time. "It makes me so mad that you would do that! You tricked me into—" she broke off, not wanting to go there, and combed her hands through her hair in agitation. "We don't lie to each other. Ever!" she said instead. "You're the one who's always saying that. How could you do this?!" It was so much easier to focus on that aspect of it than to face all the guilt she was suddenly feeling, so Maya welcomed the anger she felt.
"It wasn't completely a lie," Riley tried to excuse guiltily. "I wanted to think of him like a brother. I tried to think of him that way... It wasn't completely working I don't guess, but I would've kept on trying if Farkle hadn't figured it out and made me see that I was lying."
"Farkle figured it out?" Maya exclaimed incredulously, throwing her arms out in an abbreviated gesture. She couldn't believe that the one friend in their group who claimed to know the least about feelings had figured this out when she hadn't. "Great! Is there anyone who doesn't know this was a lie except me?"
Put off by her attitude, Riley replied shortly. "I don't know who knows what and who doesn't. It's not like I told him anything before he confronted me about it."
"I notice you didn't say Lucas still thinks it's a lie."
Her lips flattened as she looked away for a moment. Reluctantly, knowing that it was probably going to set her off again, she admitted, "He figured it out in the nurse's office this afternoon."
She was right about it setting Maya off. "So everybody figured it out except stupid, clueless Maya!" She paced a few agitated steps away.
"Why are you acting like this? Why does it even matter who knows?" Riley questioned in confused exasperation.
"Because! I'm your best friend! I should've known!" Her shoulders fell, and her voice dropped an octave but was no less tense. "I'm supposed to know you better than anyone else. I should've been the first one to figure out what you were doing." She shook her head, unable to understand how she'd missed it. "It's so obvious now. I mean, of course that's what you were gonna do when you found out I had feelings for him. I don't know how I could've been such an idiot."
"Maya, you're not an idiot. It doesn't matter that you didn't figure it out." Even as she was saying it, Riley realized that wasn't completely true. A small part of her had been a little hurt that Maya was taking everything she said at face value and couldn't see the truth of her feelings. Like she'd said, she knew her better than anyone, and Riley couldn't understand why she couldn't see how much she was struggling with her feelings for Lucas. Of course, she'd been just as blind to Maya's struggles to do the same, so Riley could hardly hold it against her. "If that makes you an idiot, then I'm an even bigger one. It took me almost two years to figure out you liked Lucas."
Eyes shifting away, Maya refuted the statement shortly, guilt threatening to overtake her anger. "No it didn't."
"What do you mean?" Riley asked in confusion. "We've known him for nearly two years now."
Guilt finally won out, making her voice more hesitant as she haltingly replied, "Yeah, but... I haven't liked him-like that- all this time."
"You haven't? But, I thought... You stepped back, didn't you?"
"Not- really. Not the way you think," she admitted.
"What other way is there, Maya? We both liked him when we met him, and you stepped back so I could have a chance with him. That's stepping back. Are you saying that's not what you did?" Riley asked in agitation. The idea that she was wrong about that one thing shifted everything in a direction she didn't like. She wanted Maya to just tell her that she wasn't understanding correctly, but instead she got a reluctant head shake.
"I don't know why you even thought that in the first place," Maya said a bit defensively. "After everything I did last year to help you get together with him? I was the pushed him to ask you on your first date. I went out with Farkle just so you could go out with him. I even helped him with the horse thing when he rode you off on it like a princess. Why would you think I'd do all those things if I liked him myself?"
"I thought you were trying to make me happy in spite of your own feelings for him." That was part of why she was so upset at learning this. She'd spent an entire week feeling guilty and sick over all those moments, thinking they should've been Maya's moments instead, and here she was saying that she hadn't even liked Lucas then. "If you didn't like him then, why were you always flirting?" she asked almost accusingly. "You were always up in his face and trying to get under his skin, Maya. What was that about?"
"I don't know." Maya shifted uncomfortably at being forced to confront her actions. "We were just playing. That's what we do," she tried to explain. And it was the truth. At least she'd always thought it was until the stupid year books came out and made her question it. "I never knew you thought of it as flirting," she said in quiet inquiry.
"I didn't, at first. But everybody else did, and it was pointed out to me," she said with stiff hurt. The conversation in the bathroom was most immediately called to mind, but then there were all the other things she'd accidentally overheard this past week and around year book time on top of that.
"Riley, I'm so sorry. I never saw it as flirting. I would never do that. Not- intentionally anyway," she qualified with a frown, forced again to question her own actions. The truth was, she wasn't sure anymore what she had and hadn't done. It was all just a confused mess when she tried to get it all straight in her head.
"Maybe you liked him and you didn't know it," Riley postulated, trying to come up with an excuse for Maya's actions so this didn't feel so much like a betrayal. Because if she hadn't liked Lucas from the very beginning that meant she'd started looking at him romantically after she knew how much Riley liked him, and it hurt too much to think that she would do that to her.
"Maybe." Maya shrugged a shoulder while shaking her head in an unknowing manner. "To be honest I'm not even sure anymore. I've been asking myself when I started having these feelings and I really don't even know. That's why I never corrected you when you said I'd stepped back. I didn't feel so bad about letting you step back if I could let myself believe that maybe I had done it first."
She shook her head. "But when I think back to that first day on the subway... I mean, yeah, I thought he was cute," she allowed, "but I didn't feel like I made any kind of connection with him or anything, not like you did that first day. When he showed up in our History class I could tell how much you already liked him, and he seemed to like you too, so I was happy for you. And I was happy to do what I could to help you get together with him. I wouldn't have felt that way if I'd liked him too, right? I mean, I would've been jealous or something. Right?"
"You'd think," Riley had to agree, unhappy to hear that Maya hadn't really felt anything special for Lucas that first day, or anytime in the beginning it seemed.
"Well, I wasn't jealous," she declared, thinking that settled it, oblivious that she was only making things worse in Riley's eyes. But then her head tipped to the side as something occurred to her and she admitted, "Okay, maybe I was a little jealous when he called you a princess and you two rode off on that horse together like it was the end of some fairytale or something. But what girl wouldn't be, right?" When another instance occurred to her, she frowned and confessed more slowly, "And when you were playing like Romeo and Juliet, and he promised you some big epic moment... that might've made me a little jealous."
She frowned more deeply and her gaze turned inward when still other instances came back to her; on their first date, when they'd walked into the subway station to meet the boys, and Lucas hadn't been able to take his eyes off Riley. He'd looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, and Maya remembered thinking that no one would ever look at her like that. And after their date was over and she and Riley were talking in her room, Riley had been over the moon over everything that had happened that night, especially her and Lucas's first kiss. In comparison, hers with Farkle had been like a dog with a chew toy, and she'd been envious as she sat there listening to Riley go on and on about how wonderful Lucas was. Then there was the semi-formal this year, when Riley had hadnot only Lucas wanting to take her, but Charlie too, and Maya's only invitation had been the ongoing obligatory turn-down she always got from Farkle. Lucas had danced with her that night, sure, but it had been obvious that he was more interested in what Riley and Charlie were doing, and Maya had been resentful of the entire thing.
It was troubling to realize that she had actually been jealous a lot. And for such a long time, too. She didn't know why she hadn't realized it before now. So maybe she really had liked Lucas from the beginning. She honestly hadn't thought so, but it seemed like she was wrong. Which was really just freakin' fantastic. That made this just another hopeless chronicle in the life of Maya Hart.
Because whether she'd stepped back or not, she'd never had a chance with Lucas. He'd only had eyes for Riley from the moment she fell into his lap. Maya knew that. She'd resigned herself to that fact. Until Riley had blown everything to smithereens when they were in Texas. What she'd done there had made Maya think that maybe she finally had a chance with him, and she'd allowed herself to hope. But she'd been stupid for doing that. And she was mad at herself as much as Riley because she knew better. Hope was for suckers.
"I wish you would've just left things alone," she said irately. "Why'd you have to do this to me?"
"What do you mean? Why do you think I've done something to you? I did this for you," Riley corrected with an irked frown.
"Well, who asked you to, Riley?" She made a growling sound of frustration. "You always think you have to fix everything. But this wasn't something that needed fixing! I was fine with everything the way it was."
Stung by the intimation that she'd butted in where she wasn't wanted, she refuted tightly, "You weren't fine, Maya. You couldn't have been. It's not okay that you were just standing there silently on the sidelines watching us together. I know how that feels now and it's not fine."
It was for me," Maya argued. "I'd gotten used to it. I knew that was the way things were gonna be and I'd made my peace with it. But now everything's ruined. We'll never be able to go back to the way things were because you've opened up this whole stupid can of worms that never should've been opened in the first place.
"Well I thought it did," she refuted stiffly. "I couldn't let things keep going on the way they were when I knew how much you'd sacrificed for me and that what I was doing was hurting you. I'm sorry if that makes you mad, but I just couldn't."
"You really should have," she told her, grudgingly understanding her plight, but still resentful. "Everything's a complete mess now, Riley. I don't know how we're supposed to come back from this."
Riley bit her lip. Yes, she was upset with her, but now she was worried that she might've jeopardized her relationship with Maya irreparably, and that wasn't something she wanted. It was the complete opposite of what she'd been trying to do when she'd started all this and she didn't know how it had gotten so messed up.
It was that moment that Lucas climbed cautiously in the window. He'd delayed coming over to give the two girls a chance to talk alone for awhile first.
"Hey," he said once he was inside the room. The greeting was subdued, and he looked between the two of them as if trying to gauge the climate of the room. "So you told her?"
He'd posed the question to Riley but it was Maya who answered shortly, "Yeah, the best friend that should've known has finally been let in on the secret. Congrats on knowing Riley better than me after only knowing her for two years."
"Would you stop with that?" Riley said exasperatedly. "I don't understand why you're so fixated on that. It's hardly the worst part in all this."
"No, you're right," Maya agreed with a short nod. "The worst part is that my best friend lied to me and pushed me to get together with the boyfriend she still liked. And I went along with it." She didn't know who she was more upset with over that, Riley or herself. Things looked different now that she knew what Riley had done and she didn't like her own responses very much.
"It's not really helpful to make accusations right now," Lucas said, trying to keep things reasonable. "I'm sure Riley knows now that this might not have been the best way to handle things."
Maya watched Riley guiltily meet Lucas's gaze. "Of course you'd take her side," she said sourly, her bitterness getting the best of her.
Lucas shot her a look of reproof. "I'm not taking her side, Maya," he objected. "I'm not taking anyone's side. There shouldn't even be any sides. We're in this together. That's why we're all here to discuss this and try to figure out what we should do."
"I don't know why you think there's anything to discuss," Maya said contentiously, the same bitterness coloring her tone. "She likes you," she gestured from Riley to Lucas with an upturned palm, "I'm pretty sure you still like her," she gestured back to Riley, "and I'm just the idiot that got in your way." She ended with her palm flattened against her chest.
"Would you please stop calling yourself that?" Riley scolded. "You're not an idiot. And the reason we have something to discuss is because he has feelings for you," she informed the other girl.
Maya's eyes flew to Lucas uncertainly.
"Okay, could we all please stop saying how we think the other people involved are feeling, like it's a fact?" Lucas asked, his hands coming up in a staying motion as he divided his look between the two girls. "That's the whole reason we wound up here in the first place, because everyone thinks they know how the others feel and no one's been honest about their own feelings."
This time Maya's eyes went to Riley, who was looking down remorsefully, but Lucas forestalled them both, adding, "I'm not just talking about Riley, I'm talking about you and me, too, Maya. The only reason I even have for thinking you like me is because Riley told me. You've never told me if it was true," he pointed out.
"And I'm never going to," she answered flatly.
"Maya," Riley said reproachfully.
"What? You want me to stand here and bare my heart and soul to you two after all this? Well, I won't. I've already been enough of a chump."
"You haven't been a chump, Maya, you've just been following your heart," Riley said grudgingly.
"Yeah, like a chump," she agreed.
"So you're admitting that you do have feelings for him?"
"I'm not admitting anything," she muttered.
"Then I don't see how we're gonna be able to fix any of this," Lucas said almost grimly, a flat look of certainty on his face. "Because the only other option I see is to just bury everything and try to move on. But then it'll just be awkward and there will always be this huge elephant in the room making us all uncomfortable with each other, and we might even start avoiding each other because of it. Is that what you want? For our friendships with each other to just fall apart? I know it's not what I want."
The two girls looked at each other. This whole thing was already an awkward mess, but they both knew they didn't want to let it tear them all completely apart, and they answered him with a shake of their heads.
"Then we have to be honest with each other," he insisted. "No matter how we think it might affect the other people in this room, we need to tell each other how we feel." He knew it wasn't going to be an easy thing to do, but he was sure this was something that they all needed to hear in order to figure things out.
Maya didn't find the prospect appealing at all. "If you're so gung ho about it why don't you go ahead and tell us then," she challenged.
"That's fine, I'll go first," he assented, knowing someone had to go first, and he was willing to step up if it would fix things.
"Okay, but first can you both sit down?" Riley requested. "My neck is getting tired from looking up at you."
They both complied immediately, Maya sitting back down at Riley's hip, and Lucas going around to the empty side of the bed.
"Do you need anything?" he asked before sitting down. "I didn't even ask you about your ankle," he realized, apologetic.
"I'm fine," Riley assured dismissively. "The doctor gave me pain pills."
"That's good," he nodded approvingly. Taking care not to jostle the mattress, he sat facing her with a leg tucked up on the bed.
There was an oppressive moment of silence as the three of them looked at one another uncomfortably.
"Okay, so I'm going first," Lucas repeated, rubbing his palms against his thighs in a nervous gesture. Focusing his gaze on Riley, he started with the easiest one. "I guess everybody already knows this part, but my feelings for you haven't changed. I still like you, Riley. And I'm happy being your friend, but I'll admit, I thought there'd be more between us someday." He opened his mouth to say more, but then he decided to just leave it there for now.
For Maya, he was only confirming what she already knew. She didn't know what the point of this even was. He liked Riley. Why did anything else even matter?
Before she could get too mired in her bitter disappointment and hurt, he was turning to her.
"And Maya," he began, immediately losing his air of self-assurance. Instead, his look became uncertain, and maybe a bit uncomfortable. "My feelings for you aren't as clear as they used to be. We've always been friends." His tone became a bit lighter as he fondly pointed out what he enjoyed about that relationship. "We kid around and have fun together, and I know you always have my back just like I have yours. I never had any idea you wanted something more than that, and when Riley said you did...well, it forced me to look at you differently. And I guess- maybe..." he faltered slightly, then pushed the next words out. "I can't say there's not something...there. I mean, what happened at the campfire that night—" his eyes darted to Riley apologetically, but her gaze was fixed firmly on her lap. He lowered his as well, and he looked even more uncomfortable as he forced himself to continue. "What happened that night, it had to have come from somewhere. It wasn't something that would happen if you were just friends. So, maybe that means there's something more between us. To be completely honest, I don't really know anymore. When it comes to you, my feelings have become this giant question mark. And I know that's vague and doesn't really tell you anything, but that's the best I can do right now."
When he was through, there was a long, pregnant pause.
"Well, that was- completely painful and awkward," Riley acknowledged, trying to deflect her response to his words with humor.
The brief lift of his brows said that was an understatement as he chuffed a note of laughter and nodded his head in agreement. "Sure glad I went first," he attempted to joke further, taking his cue from her.
No one looked at each other as they all laughed uneasily.
"I can go next," Riley volunteered, "but everyone already knows how I feel, too." Looking at Lucas, her tone became almost shy as she admitted, "My feelings for you never really changed either. I just didn't want to keep going the way we were going because I was afraid I would end up losing you. And then, when I realized Maya had feelings for you," she shifted her gaze to her best friend, "I wanted to give you a chance to be together." Looking at Maya, the troubled misgivings she'd had earlier in the conversation fell to the wayside for the moment as she remembered what she wanted for her. "That hasn't changed either," she insisted.
"What?" The other girl's eyes widened in surprise. "Riley, that's crazy. You like him and he likes you. There's no chance of us being together." She said it as though it was ridiculous to even suggest it.
"Why not?" Riley asked evenly.
"Because. He likes you," she said again, more succinctly, leaning forward for extra emphasis.
"But he has feelings for you, too," she reminded the other girl.
"Yeah, some gigantic question mark," she scoffed, her shoulders bunching while she shook her head as though that were negligible.
Her tone was somewhat disparaging, and Lucas took exception to it a little bit. "Okay, yeah, I'm not completely sure what I feel. Are you?" he challenged. "We still haven't heard anything about your feelings," he pointed out.
Riley could read the stubborn denial darkening her friend's eyes, and before Maya could open her mouth to refuse yet again she said, "Maya. It's only fair. We told you."
"Yah, and what you told me was that you like each other, so anything I say about my feelings now is just humiliating. So no, it's not fair of you to ask that of me, Riley," she said a bit resentfully.
"There's no reason for you to be humiliated," Riley said reasonably. "We're your friends and we care about you. Friends talk to each other and real friends listen, remember? We wouldn't make fun of you or anything."
"I know that," she dismissed that as a concern.
"So then tell us," Lucas prompted more quietly, his challenging air completely discarded.
She looked from one to the other mutinously, but then her defiant expression broke.
"Fine," she conceded. "I don't see the point, but whatever. I like you," she told Lucas abruptly. "Okay? Satisfied now? That 'something' you said was there between us? I've been feeling it since before the yearbooks came out. I knew it was wrong and it made me a terrible person, but I was never gonna let it change how things were." She turned back to look at her best friend. "I would never hurt you like that, Riley," she said earnestly.
Riley tried to smile at her in assurance, but it was a pale imitation of her usual smile. None of this was anything she hadn't already figured out for herself, but hearing it straight from Maya's mouth caused an ache somewhere deep inside her. And Maya's claims that she wouldn't hurt her didn't really make it feel any better.
"I knew how much you liked him," Maya went on. "So my feelings- they were just another thing to stuff down into the darkness with my ballerina dreams."
"And Josh," Riley added with another weak smile, recalling the conversation when she had told Riley and her mom about the dungeon of darkness she had buried inside her.
"Where does he fit in?" Lucas asked, picking up on the name. "Are you saying you like both of us?"
Maya had been asking herself the same question. It wasn't like her feelings for Josh had just disappeared. She sill thought he was gorgeous and amazing. But it was just so exhausting to keep beating her head against the wall he'd put up between them because of the difference in their ages. She felt like she was mature for her age and had a lot to offer if he would just give her a chance, but she didn't think he was ever going to see that because of the age thing.
Then it had seemed like Lucas was seeing the things in her that she wished Josh would. He'd called her beautiful, and talented, and he wanted her to be happy. That was when things had started changing, and had become totally confusing.
"I'm not sure where he fits in," she finally answered. "Nowhere, obviously. And neither do you. Looks like I just have a thing for guys I can't really have." She tried to play it off lightly, but there was a bitter undercurrent to her tone.
There was an awkward silence following her statement, with no one really knowing what to say. Riley felt bad for Maya that nothing ever seemed to work out for her with the guys she liked, but she was right, she did seem to keep picking guys where there were complications involved. Riley was determined to un-complicate things with Lucas, but it concerned her that Maya might think she still liked Josh too.
"My mom says she doesn't think you can love two people at the same time. Not with the same kind of intensity. She thought if you spent some time sorting out your feelings you'd figure out that you loved one differently than you did the other. I think maybe that's what you should do. Both of you. Just go out, talk to each other, and figure things out." She was proud of herself for sounding so steady and decisive. She did think that sounded like it would be the best thing, but that didn't mean it was easy to suggest it. Especially after all their confessions.
"Riley, you've gotta stop saying that," Maya protested sharply. "I am not gonna go out with the guy I know you like. Especially when he likes you, too. You should be dating him."
With lowered eyes, Riley said, "I already told you, that's not where I want our relationship to go. I just want us to be friends." It was getting harder for her to say that, and she couldn't look at Lucas while she said it or she was afraid she'd lose some of her resolve.
"What about what he wants?" Maya gestured to Lucas with an open palm. "Is that what you want, Lucas? Do you just want to be friends with her?" she asked belligerently. Her air was that of someone who already knew the answer.
He darted a look at Riley before answering. "If that's what makes her happy."
"That's not what I asked," she said in irritation. "What do you want?"
What he wanted was to think that someday he and Riley would still wind up in the place he thought they'd been heading to together. But he could see her point about him needing to figure out his feelings for Maya so there wouldn't be any questions. He didn't like to think that the answers to those questions might somehow lead him away from Riley, but he knew he needed them answered. For all their sake's.
Quietly, he repeated his answer. "I want Riley to be happy. And if she doesn't want to date then I'm not gonna pressure her into it."
Frustrated at getting no support from his corner, she looked at Riley instead. When all she found there was unwavering determination, she threw up her hands. "Well, I'm not dating him either," she insisted.
A part of Riley wanted to say okay, and just let it go at that. But she knew she couldn't do that, it wouldn't settle anything. "Then don't call it dating," she finally thought to suggest. "But I think you should spend time together and figure out what you're really feeling. Otherwise, things will never be right between you two. You can't go on like everything is normal when you have all this... unresolved stuff between you."
Maya chewed on her lip, unsure what to do. It still didn't feel right to do this to Riley, but what she was saying made sense. She didn't want things to be weird with Lucas but they definitely were now, and they probably would be until they could get something settled between them. And if he felt something for her and it wasn't really dating, wouldn't that make it alright?
I'll think about it," she finally consented.
If it was the right course of action- and they all thought it was- then why did it leave them feeling so hollow?