Oh shit! What had I done! I didn't want to say this poem! The words just came out of my mouth. I threw my hands to cover my mouth! I had Edward in front of my eyes when I said this poem…
But that was not the problem now. It was Jacob. I looked up to see Jacob's face and immediately felt guilty for saying so. He was hurt. I could see in his eyes. "Jacob... I …I"
I trembled. What was I going to speak? He quickly regained his emotions. His jaw was clenched and I swear I heard gritting of teeth.
"Won't you ask me what my definition of love is?" he said in a dead serious tone laying emphasis on the last word- is. I think he would have calmed down if he tried to but he was not willing to do it. I just nodded my head signaling him to go ahead. I was still feeling guilty for Jacob. He closed his eyes. He seemed to remember something. He began.
I would have sooner met you,
And all that would have remained
Is the love I have for you.
If I could have just shown you
How much you mean to me,
Then I could have died happily
With the tears of joy in me.
If I could have been your knight
Brave and donned in shining amour,
Then I would have been your prince
And not as your friend anymore.
If I could have been a stranger
And not as myself to you,
Then I might have had the courage
To say wholeheartedly I love you.
If I could have lived my life
Then you could have seen me through,
Because all that I had ever did
Was for you to love me too.
If I could have just seen tomorrow
I would have jumped ahead of time,
Because today it might have not ended
And today you might have been mine.
My eyes went wide and my mouth flew open while my hands fell down to my side. The poem! It … it… it seemed so real! I was too horrified to even get one sentence out of my mouth without stammering. "Jake," I said softly, tears blurring my vision.
"I think I should go Bella. I had thought to spend night over here, in your room with us talking like before, but I don't think it's possible now."
I reached out to touch him."...Jake, I, I am so...so...sorry..."I was stammering so much I doubt he got my sentence.
"No Bella!" He moved back "Its ok, I, I just need some time ok. It's really hard to digest that after giving my best I couldn't remove the leech from your mind." He said anger radiating from his words. He cupped my face in his huge warm hands.
"Bella, please don't cry. Look I am not at all hurt. Look baby I just need some time to get new energy" I blushed at the word "baby" but questioned him through my eyes. "For what do you need new energy?" Jacob answered, "For not giving up Bella. To remove that leech's even a single thought out of your head and your beautiful heart. Don't worry I am not going to give up soon. I'll meet you soon, Bells." With that Jacob jumped out the window of my room. I watched till he was out of my sight. Then I slid down on the floor my back and head touching the wall.
"What had I done? Why was my life such a mess?"(You have brought it upon you, Bella. Accept it. A voice told in my head.
"It's hard for me to move on without Edward."
Really? Really Bella? Or you are just saying that it is hard?
"No! Why would I say something like this?"
Because you've gotten used to gaining sympathy, Bella. You have become nothing but a sympathy gainer! Does it hurt to hear it out loud? Because its truth, Bella. Jacob has been trying to make you realize that you can stand up on your own. But you! You just ignore him and then cry like a weak helpless person. You are not weak, Bella. You are not helpless, you are HOPELESS!
Ouch! That hurt a lot! I wasn't hopeless. I have to sort this out! Ok let's do one thing. Make a list of good and bad things about both- Edward and Jacob. Hey inner Bella, will you help me in this?
Sure. The inner voice was happy that I had finally taken a stand. And I promise it wouldn't go down for a long while now ok, so here goes Jacob's list.
Jacob's Good Points
Makes me smile all the time.
Never lets me down
Takes care of me.
Has a huge (Beating) heart
My best friend
[Interrupted by inner Bella] Babes, the list is never ending. Why don't you make Edward's good points?
Edward's Good Points
Good-looking (just a trap)
Smart (yea right, try learning for continuous 50 years and not be smart)
Can read minds (except yours)
Sweet fragrance(again a trap to attract their food)
A vampire (what's good in that? The taste of blood?)
My boyfriend (correction, ex-boyfriend. Who probably left you?)
I couldn't think of anymore good points about Edward. Those points which I could think of were already kicked off by my inner voice. My inner voice snorted.
(Now try listing bad points about both the guys, and maybe this time you can start with that eddy boy?) My inner voice suggested.
Edward's Bad Points
Doesn't eat (Drinks blood)
Forces me to do some things
Cold skin, Stone like body
I was furious at the seventh point! How can someone hate Jacob!
See even if it's in the list, you are defending our Jakey I rolled my eyes at the inner Bella. Our "Jakey"? Seriously?
#Jacob's Bad Points
Loves me a lot
His smile in addictive
Stubborn for having me
Can do anything for me
Well, well, well don't you think that Jacob's all bad points come in Jacob's good points also?
I nodded my head sheepishly. Great I was finally insane. Last stage completed. I was talking to myself! But it was helping me getting my head clear. I compared both boys- Edward and Jacob. The result was crystal clear. I would tell him about my decision.
I went to sleep reciting what all I would tell Jacob. That night for the first time in months I slept without having nightmares.
I woke up to the sun rays falling on my face. Wow, even God Himself was supporting my decision. That meant that I was on the right track. I checked the clock. I was still early in my routine but I couldn't go at Jacob's place, now. He would be sleeping.
So taking more time than needed in the bathroom and after cooking breakfast for Charlie and myself, I went to my shelf to pick out something to read. Anger filled my body when I saw that stupid Romeo-Juliet's copy lying at the board. I quickly removed the books which had sad endings and packed them to throw out in the store room. I didn't want anything around that could upset my Jakey. I smiled at the nickname which I used after years.
I glanced at the clock and realized that it was too early to call Jacob.
(Idiot, you can ask your soon-to-be father-in-law.)The inner voice said sarcastically. I took me a minute to realize what she had just called Billy. My soon-to-be father-in-law. My cheeks burned and I could feel the hotness of my blood. I didn't realize when that smile crept on my face.
Ok. I dialed the number and waited for the phone to connect. After the third ring, someone picked up the phone.
"Hello, Black Residence" Billy answered. Uh-oh! What should I say to him? Hey Billy! How are you doing? I finally realized that I was in love with your son? I couldn't say that. He would surely think that I have gone insane.
"Hello, is anyone there?" oh yeah. I had to say something.
"Uh, yeah hi, it's Bella." I stuttered.
"Oh Bella?" he sounded surprised. "How come you called so early in the morning? Jacob's…...he's asleep." I could tell something was wrong.
"Are you hiding something from me?" I asked out of nowhere. Billy took some time to respond.
"Why do you think I would hide anything from you?" he countered me. He didn't say "no" which means that there is something going on.
"I just called to ask if Jacob is going to be at home today or not. Maybe I could come there." He didn't even let me finish.
"no, no Bella. He has already made some plans with the gang, you know. I am sorry. But I will tell him that you called." He didn't wait for my reply.
So my today's plan was decided. I was going at Jacob's house. Jacob had already told me that he used spend his time alone in the garage on Saturdays. He wouldn't quit his routine for the world. This had just made my suspicion stronger. But what was Billy hiding from me? Maybe it was something related to tribe?
Maybe Jacob is hurt? Inner Bella sounded frightened.
We both shook our heads in disapproval. Whatever it might be, I have to go and check it out.
My truck roared to life as I headed towards the very familiar road at la push- Jacob's house. When I reached there I hoped that Jacob would come running from the house and hug me as usual. But he didn't. That sent chills down my spine. I couldn't feel that something was wrong.
Or maybe we are thinking too much? He must be in garage. My inner voice tried sounding hopeful but failing miserably.
I went to garage and called "hey, Jake! You in, there?" no response. I searched through the tiny place. It seemed like he had not visited the garage in days. I stormed in Jacob's little house. Billy met me on the way to Jacob's room. He tried telling me he was not there. But I was too stubborn to listen.
I twisted the door knob of Jacob's room. When I entered I froze on my place, my hand still on Jacob's door knob.
"Hey-hey Bella!" he looked surprised but I could see in his eyes that he was happy. Like he knew I was going to come for sure. He smiled at me. I was still too shocked to respond his smile.
"What happened to you?" worry filled me and I could feel tears filling my eyes.
"It's nothing, Bella. Oh it's just a little fracture in my rib bones."