Chapter 1: Evil Begins!
A long time ago, once in the 1940s, also in Germany also, there was an evil secluded figure that was bad and mean and was kicking a Jewish person right in the face. You would be surprised to know that the evil figure was in fact none other than the likes of ADOLF FREAKING HITLER. He was so bad that his mother hated him really badly. He was also bored.
"I sure am bored because I am evil and I hate the Jewish race so much" yelled Hitler evilly.
"Aaaaaauuugghh" replied the dying Jewish guy. Hitler stopped for a moment to enjoy his misery, and then replied.
"You are right! I should totally take away the personal freedoms of those weaker than myself!" he bellowed with lots of evil.
"Lackey! Bring me my map!" evil Hitler continued evilly. In came his Lackey, who was sad and oppressed but also evil too because he helps Hitler.
"Here you are Mr. Hitler," the Lackey said with intense regret and sadness, "I am depressed." He handed over the solid lead map—it was made of lead so that the Lackey would suffer more when he carried it—over to Hitler who could lift it easily because sadness made him strong.
"Which of these do you think is the happiest place for me to ruin, Lackey?" yelled Adolf Hitler, who was evil. Hitler's Lackey stayed quiet, because he was also a little bit good when he wasn't evil and didn't want Hitler to have any more stuff. But Hitler was too strong and evil and read the Lackeys mind with the power of evil.
Yelling evilly, Hitler screamed "Yes! I will take over Hogwarts and burn the children and rape the teachers and abuse the animals and tear down the walls and teach the burnt children the ways of evil." To celebrate his plan, Hitler then resumed kicking the Jewish guy until he died because Hitler is an evil jerk, but then he also kicked him some more because the only thing eviller than Hitler is Hitler.
"But Hogwarts is protected by a bunch of hardcore wizards that shoot fire and bombs from their wands!" intoned the Lackey with extreme fear. Hitler then pat the Lackey on the head and said,
"Ha ha ha… that is why you are the Lackey and I am the Hitler my dear, stupid Lackey," Hitler yelled quietly, "It is time that I revealed my deep, dark secret past, but first we need to go to my "telling people I used to be a wizard" room."
Hitler and his Lackey then traveled down the dark and terrible corridors of "Hitler's Nazi Castle of Nasty Nazi-ness™". The entire way, Hitler signed autographs for other evil people and gave high-fives to all of the lawyers.
"WAIT!" Hitler evilly yelled evilly. There was a bag of puppies lying in one of the corridors, so Hitler took out his handgun and shot it until it stopped moving. "The coast is clear."
Hitler then went to a bowl with a drain in the bottom and barfed pure Nazi into it. This activated an evil detector that triggered a door to open, revealing… twenty miles of wizard stuff!
The Lackey gasped so hard that he lost another leg. Hitler merely smiled evilly.
"This is the true identity that I have been hiding from the people who do not know who I am!" he yelled, "I will explain my past to you over lunch." Lunch was served three hours later and consisted of aborted baby unicorn meat and a side of slave grown cotton. Hitler ate very grotesquely, and had a sauce prepared from Jewish rabbi blood.
"There isn't quite enough salt on this meat," yelled Hitler, who then stomped on his Lackey's feet so that the Lackey cried onto his plate, "…that'll do."
Hitler then violently slammed a pure black box onto the table with enough force to crack it and yelled, "This was my wand when I was a child!" Inside was a pure black wand that was also a gun too, covered in swastikas. "Let me see if I still know how to use this thing after all of these years."
He pointed the wand at some priceless artwork, and yelled "Der HeinzenHaag BlitzerWassail!" Sinister green flames blasted from the wand and incinerated the paintings, if you listened closely, you could hear the Jews screaming. Radiation bathed the room in unholy light, and gave the Lackey cancer, but also chemotherapy so he was O.K., until he got cancer again.
"!" exclaimed the Lackey.
"That is merely the beginning of my plan to take over Hogwarts!" bellowed Hitler angrily. He pointed the wand at a wall and evilly yelled, "DAS FUHRER DINE GUTENTAG!" This caused the wall to open up, revealing a fully-loaded werewolf!
The werewolf smashed a thing and then said, "Lord Hitler, I am ready to eat stuff for you."
Hitler smiled, while nastily shoving a unicorn leg into his nasty dirty Hitler-mouth and yelled, "OK."