Chapter 2: Dumbledores and Nasty Snapes
Harry, Hermione and Ron were eating magic lunch like they always did at Hogwarts. It consisted of chicken sandwich covered in glitter and a side of chitlins. Ron couldn't partake in this magical meal though, on account of his Jewiosity. He had brought his own lunch of kosher pastrami sandwiches, shmaltzed in kugel, with other nasherai such as lox on top of latke. Adjusting his yamakah, he happily proclaimed, "Mazel tov, my friends!"
Harry and Hermione raised their glasses too, because they accepted his differences, and were not horrible pieces of human garbage like Hitler.
"Have you been keeping up with the war recently?" asked Hermione.
"No Hermione, I've been busy taking care of that Voldemort business," replied Harry, "but I would love to know how the allied powers are spanking Hitler's racist ass as we speak."
"Actually, I've heard that we are having trouble killing all of the Nazis on account of them killing everything first."
"Oy vey, that Hitler guy really needs a plotz!" interjected Ron, scratching his huge nose.
"You said it!" Harry added with a mouthful of glittery sandwich. Just then, Dumbledore, the prestigious headmaster of Hogwarts floated in, stroking his whimsical beard fancifully. He floated above the ground in an amusing and frolicsome manner.
"What would my splendiferous pupils be conversing about on this galuptious day?" Dumbledore shot miniature fireworks from his magical hands for effect, "I was merely drinking liquid cookies carbonated with unicorn giggles."
With the most serious face alive, Hermione responded with, "Killing the goddamn nazis."
With a wizardly grin, Dumbledore shuffled a deck of cards and recited a magical wizard thing. "'Tis quite a magnanimous goal for such a promising young colleen, it is loftier than the time in which I counted to umpteen." Dumbledore presented the cards to Hermione without looking, she picked one and returned it to the deck.
"If nazi iniquity is what we must remunerate; then piece by piece, their society we shall discombobulate!" In a burst of smoke and expensive pyrotechnics, all of the cards magically turned into a flock of doves. The dove that had the nine of diamonds painted on its side landed on Dumbledore's enchanted shoulder.
"Is that your card Hermione?" asked the awestruck Harry.
"I don't usually divulge vital intelligence to potential spies, but yes." Everyone cheered and clapped, and there was much feasting that night. Dumbledore ate so much that he had to go to Kroger to buy another pair of magic pants.
This was not important at the moment, though, because Harry had something important to say.
"I do? Oh, yeah, I do." Harry paused in a moment of intense thought, "My cool guy Harry Potter wizard powers are telling me that something bad is about to happen, and that to stop the bad we must do good so that the bad that is badded is not so bad."
"Sounds kosher, I have the chutzpah to do vaht is needed!" exclaimed happy Ron happily.
"WE MUST ASSEMBLE A SQUAD TO STOP THE NAZIS AND SAVE THE WORLD!" exclaimed Harry while shooting lasers out of his eyes.
"I support this idea with my full brain." Hermione replied, "If only to show those disgusting psychopaths what a real madwoman can do."
"Feh, zeht vasn't so hard."
"Then, we embark to find heroes and champions tomorrow, after classes!" proudly proclaimed Harry. In a puff of magical and awe-inspiring smoke, Dumbledore reappeared.
"If you intend to go on a magical search, then allow me to bestow you with magical enchanted things for you." He handed them a glowing potato sack. "Don't open it. Ever." With that, Dumbledore disappeared for good this time.
Harry was inspired by Dumbledore's fantabulousness, and decided to skip to his next class as a tribute to all of the magic that Dumbledore has!
But the next class was not whimsical and carefree like Dumbledore, it was BAD!
"Hi, I'm Racist Professor Snape" said Racist Professor Snape. He was very racist and wore a dingy suit with aviators and smoked a cigar in everyone's face to give them drug poisoning. He carried a shotgun that had the words "Any darker than the barrel and you get shot" inscribed on the side.
"Today we will be learning how "Uncle Tom's Cabin" is just a piece of sensationalist literature meant to take away my good time. If it weren't for that book, I'd just have my slave teach you nasty little mofos." Everyone in the classroom groaned. Neville threw up.
A wizard kid raised her hand.
"Yes, wizard kid?" sneered Snape.
"Elizabeth Mkapa has been raising her hand for the last twenty minutes." In response, Snape got excited to do the only thing he was good at.
"This is due to the fact of the unfortunate melanin surplus in Elizabeth's skin" Snape said, using science for evil, "She is not like the rest of us, and therefore her questions do not matter. She is not allowed to have ideas on the grounds that white people need to have them first."
Snape then went into a long rant about the importance of eugenics and why it applies to everyone, while Harry whispered to Elizabeth through the cage she was locked in.
"How you doin' homesizzle?" Harry communicated to Elizabeth in her native tongue.
"Considering I'm in a cage, and you just said "homesizzle", my life's just freaking peachy right now. I have no idea why they let that idiot teach anything." Harry stopped for a moment to contemplate what she had said, and then thoughtfully replied.
"Well, if you say everything's peachy, who am I to complain?" Satisfied that he was not a racist, Harry then turned back to the lesson. He swore that he could feel someone staring daggers at him.
Class dragged on. Snape was really on a roll with the racial slurs now, and it was best not to interrupt him while he was hating stuff so hard. By the time the bell rang, Racist Professor Snape had given the entire class his disgusting view on how to be a racist. He just barely noticed the bell.
"It seems the school bell is another liberal piece of garbage. Hopefully I've made you a little bit more racist, because your homework is to commit at least five micro-aggressions over the weekend." When everyone left, Snape then undid his girdle to reveal his disgusting beer gut of racism and flipped on Fox News. He threateningly pointed his gun at the TV every time a person of color showed up on screen. What a jackass. Elizabeth Mkapa decided it would be a much better idea to remain quiet for the rest of the night.