2Sam can't believe he actually locked himself in here with him.
"Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you."
Dean hardly seems convinced.
"No?"
"No, you can keep going."
"Who says I want to?"
"What?"
"Come on Sammy." Dean stares at him and hopes those three words will be enough. However, Sammy gives him a face that's half utterly clueless and half full of rage. It's obviously not enough. As funny as Sammy's face is, Dean still finds this incredibly frustrating and thinks to himself, 'He's really going to make me spell it all out isn't he?'
"Why would I want to keep going without you?" And instantly it clicks for Sam and registers immediately on his face.
Maybe Dean should feel relieved that they're finally on the same page, but instead he's feeling fear. He knows the more Sammy insists on talking, the more likely he'll end up confessing.
Dean's imagined doing it a million times, but ultimately was content to keep it in his mind. He was truly fine with taking it to his grave. Sure, Sammy knows he loves him, but the way he loves him? No, Sammy has no idea. How could he? Not with how careful Dean's been. He's been so cautious never to slip up, that the act has become second nature. Until now. Now it's all bubbling at the surface and Dean's scared he won't be able to stop it. Dean's terrified, because he doesn't want their last moment together to be seeing how much he disgusts Sammy. But right now, watching the love of his life die before him, he's not sure he can keep his secret any longer.
"Dean no. You can't…I mean." Sammy doesn't know what to say, but he needs to figure it out soon. He has totally forgotten about his limited time and is purely focused on Dean. All that matters is Dean. That Dean survives. He has to. He doesn't deserve to have it end like this. Sammy? Sure. He abandoned his family. He ran away like the coward that he is, because he couldn't face the way he feels about Dean. He hoped and prayed that it would go away, that with enough distance, with enough of a break, he could shake this thing. But he was wrong. So wrong. All that came from his disappearance act was pain.
If it was the other way around and Dean was the one infected, then Sammy would be doing exactly what Dean is. No question about it. Except in that case it wouldn't be a sacrifice at all. After all, a life without Dean isn't really worth living. Sammy of all people, knows this firsthand. But Dean doing this?! It makes no sense! How can Dean not see how much better he'd be without him? Without Sammy around he could move on. Maybe let go of this revenge plan and just live a normal life. He could finally have a real chance at what he's deserved all along. Sammy will make sure Dean gets his happy ending or die trying. Literally.
"Dean. Listen to me. You don't mean that. You don't!"
"Sammy I-"
"NO! Don't do this to me! Don't give up. You're stronger than that. You're so strong Dean. The life you've had has never been easy, but you've always had someone around. You've never had to be alone. But you can do it, I know you can. You don't need me. You'll be so much better without having to worry about me anymore."
"SAMMY ENOUGH! How could you say that?! HOW?!"
"It's the truth. I won't be holding you back anymore. It's scary on your own. At first, believe me I know. But before you know it you'll be fine. Better than fine."
Words that are meant to comfort Dean bring him the most pain he's ever known.
"Better than fine? Is that how it was for you? When you were on your own?" Dean asks this without thinking. He's not sure if he can stand to hear the answer.
"What? No. Dean, that's different. That was me being without you. It was awful. I was so lost. I… this isn't about me. I don't have a choice here. You do and you're choosing wrong! Please Dean. Don't give up. Please. For me? Do this for me?"
"Damnit Sammy." After some silence goes by, Dean nods and looks away in anger. However, with his tears blurring his vision, he doesn't actually see anything.
He'd do anything for Sammy. It's suddenly so simple and Dean fucking hates it.
Dean tries to keep his sobs quiet, to hold it in, but he can't. And for a few minutes, the only sound in the room is each man weeping for a future they'll never have.
Dean finally returns his gaze to Sammy, and seconds later Sam looks to him and their eyes meet. That's all it takes. At the same time they instantly walk across the room and throw shaky arms around the other.
"Sammy I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
"For what?!"
"I was supposed to take care of you. I was supposed to keep you safe!"
"Shhhhhh Dean it's ok. It's ok."
No, it's not. But Dean doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't want to be angry when he says his goodbye.
Dean knows he should let go now. He holds on tighter instead.
Sam has a horrible idea. He shouldn't do it. If he wasn't already scum, he officially is now. He knows how much Dean loves him. He knows now for sure that he truly would do anything for him. Anything. If he was a stronger man, like Dean, he'd never entertain such a thought. But he's not like Dean. He's weak, and selfish, and a desperate dying man.
"Dean? Can I ask you for one more thing?"
Dean gives a sad laugh at this and pulls back to see Sammy's face. Both of them have sad smiles in place. Their hands are on the other's upper arms. Apparently, neither is ready to fully let go. Sam's sure though that after this Dean will probably happily push Sam away.
"Of course Sammy. What is it?"
Sam takes a moment to just enjoy Dean. To enjoy his face full of nothing but love for him. Sam should leave well enough alone. He knows this! But, he's scum so he trudges on. He takes one last official look at Dean, before making what is surely the biggest mistake of his life.
"Dean just…just please…don't hate me."
"What? Sammy I could nev-" He's interrupted by Sammy's lips being brushed up against his. It shocks Dean to the core and he freezes. Eyes wide open he just stares straight ahead in wonder. 'What's happening? Is he dreaming? Has Sammy gone mad? Is this what happens before the end? One loses their mind? Just what the fuck is going on?!'
Sam, meanwhile, is in heaven. Dean tastes like coffee. He smells like leather. His lips are soft. So soft. However, they're also not moving. Sam doesn't let this deter him. Not moving is better than getting punched in the jaw or being told what a freak he is. But it can't last forever.
Sam moves back and quickly tries to gauge Dean's reaction, while an endless train of thought goes through his head.
'Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me.'
After what seems like an eternity, but is actually just seconds, Sam can't stand the silence anymore.
"Please say something."
This shakes Dean out of his stupor and he sees the scared look on Sammy's face. Dean is starting to accept the truth. Sammy loves him. Sammy loves him just how he loves Sammy! Dean is suddenly so happy. So happy and so proud. Sammy didn't accidentally tell him in a drunken haze like Dean almost had so many times. Sammy didn't let it slip during a heated fight like Dean feared doing himself. No, Sammy chose to risk everything to share this truth with him. His Sammy is so brave.
Normally Dean would fulfill any request of Sammy's, but this time he just isn't in the right frame of mind to form a coherent reply. So instead of saying something, he presses his mouth against Sammy's and gives him a proper kiss.
Now it's Sammy's turn to be surprised. Dean's kissing him. This is real and this is happening! And Dean is an even better kisser than he imagined. His hands are carefully holding Sammy's head in place while he takes control. Dean moves at a slow and gentle pace, as if they have all the time in the world. He traces the tip of his tongue along where Sammy's lips meet, and Sammy gladly opens up for him. Dean moans as he explores the inside of Sammy's warm mouth. Dean can't help but wonder what it feels like inside another part of Sammy.
Sam's thoughts are a bit different. 'Is Dean doing this out of guilt? Pity? Obligation? Love?' Sam decides he doesn't want to know. As long as Dean doesn't hate him he can die happy.
Die. He actually forgot. For a moment he forgot. They both did. Sam's going to die and soon. He hates to end this, but if Dean doesn't leave soon…Sam can't even finish the thought.
Sam moves his hands to mirror the hold Dean has on him and slowly, and very reluctantly, pulls out of the kiss. Sam opens his eyes to find Dean smiling. A true big smile, and it breaks Sammy's heart. Dean does love him. They're in love. It's everything Sam's ever wanted, and he has to end it.
"Dean." He whispers.
"Sammy." Dean whispers back.
"Dean, you have to go." Just like that Dean's smile is gone.
"No. No no no no no no no n-" Dean's voice gets louder and louder.
"Dean you have to."
"No I don't. There's still time. We still have time."
"You don't know that." Sam starts to pull out of Dean's grasp, but Dean just grabs on tighter.
"Sammy, damnit Sammy."
The tears start again, for both of them. Dean yanks Sammy to him and buries his head in his neck, begging between kisses, "Not yet. Please not yet."
Sam knows the only way to end this. It hurts beyond belief, but Dean has always done everything within his power to keep Sam safe. It's about time he returns the favor.
"Dean for me? Please, do this for me? I need you to go. Please Dean?"
Dean straight out screams at this. Just a bit ago he was convinced his dream had come true, but in fact it's a living nightmare. He knows he has to leave, but only because he promised his Sammy he would. There's nothing for him outside of this room. He may not be dying, but he damn well won't be living either. Dean's future is filled with simply existing. To do his best to earn a spot in heaven, where he knows his Sammy will be waiting for him.
They finally pull apart completely and Dean starts to walk backwards toward the door. He refuses to turn his back to his Sammy until he absolutely has to.
They each take in their last look. Sam wishes he had time to properly prepare his goodbye. To express his gratitude and love for Dean in the way he deserves. But, all that comes out is, "Be happy. That's all I want."
Dean's automatic response is, "No. I can't. Without you I can't." This is the one request that's truly impossible.
Sammy won't let it go though, "Well, damnit Dean, try."
Dean gives a deadpan reply, "Sure Sammy."
Sammy doesn't want to fight. Not now. So he just shuts up. Apparently Dean decides to do the same. Dean reaches out behind him to unlock the door. With his hand on the doorknob he takes a deep breath to say one last thing.
Dean opens his mouth just as there's a sudden rapid knocking at the door.
It's Dr. Lee. Their private moment is put on hold as a confused Dean opens the door.
She just says, "You'd better come see this."
Hours later they're in Baby putting as many miles between them and Rivergrove as fast as possible. Things worked out great, but there are still so many questions left unanswered. Dean still has his dad's warning floating through his head. He's going to have to tell Sammy about it. That's a conversation that Dean's not exactly looking forward to.
"Dean?"
"No. No talking. Not now."
Sam wants to ask 'Then when?', but doesn't dare. Dean has just been through the emotional roller coaster of a lifetime. The least he can do is give him some time and space. He knows now how Dean really feels. Things are different now. Better now. He's waited all these years, what's a few more days.
So he just says, "Ok."
Dean wasn't expecting Sammy to agree so quickly so easily. He glances over at him when he isn't looking. Smiling to himself, Dean decides they're far enough away and abruptly pulls over.
"Dean, what are you doing?"
Dean kills the engine, leans over, and kisses Sammy just for the sole reason because he can.
In between kisses he manages out, "What I should've done a long time ago."
Sam couldn't agree more.
THE END
Author's Note: Awesome? Awful? Either way please let me know :)