2Fitz Simmons Secret Valentine
A/N: This story was written as part of the FitzSimmons Secret Valentine Exchange where members of the AoS fandom on tumblr secretly exchanged prompts to make a gift. And without further ado, this is my gift to crystabelshalot. Happy Valentine's Day!
Prompt: The first time Fitz realizes he's in love with Jemma
…
*recording begins*
V.H.
This is Agent Victoria Hand, updating mandatory agent psychological evaluation. The date is November 24, 2013. Please state your name for the record.
L.F.
Leopold Fitz, Chief Engineer, S.H.I.E.L.D Team 616.
V.H.
In your last psychological evaluation, you expressed to Dr. Chen that you had feelings for your team member.
L.F.
Yes.
V.H.
Describe the feelings.
L.F.
Well, uh… love.
V.H.
Uh huh. And can you tell me how long you've had these feelings?
L.F.
The feelings I've had for… ages I guess, but you're asking when I realized how I felt. That would've been thirteen days ago.
V.H.
That's oddly specific. Why that time?
L.F.
I was doing my debriefing for a mission I'd come back from. Psych evaluation, when I first admitted to having feelings. It was later that day when I realized that it was actual love.
I realized this because after the mission, I was thinking about our time at school and, and then my childhood.
V.H.
Specific memories?
L.F.
Well, yeah.
V.H.
Describe the memories for me.
L.F.
…In detail?
V.H.
As detailed as you can be.
L.F.
Uh… ok, well… there is one particular memory I have of an evening in my third semester at the Academy. I can recall it immaculately.
Well, almost immaculately.
Which isn't accurate, so let's say I recall it well. But better than you'd normally recall something. It was in the lab on the second floor of the Bio Building. I was standing at the end of a counter with both hands on the edge and leaning forward. And rocking on my feet.
Jemma, she… she was wearing a long-sleeve tan button-down and had her hair up in a bun. She was chattering along about, uh- actually, I can't remember any of the words exchanged that particular day. I can't even say for certain what our work was. Maybe forensic anthropology? It's anyone's guess, honestly.
Jemma was chattering along about whatever it was and practically dancing back and forth between cabinets on opposite sides of the lab, grabbing materials and equipment we needed. I have this image of her reaching up and grabbing something- a specimen jar.
Wait- no, it couldn't have been a specimen jar. That has nothing to do with forensic anthropology, at least not the kind of work that we'd have been doing at only our third semester. Unless it wasn't forensic anthropology. Or it wasn't our third semester.
You know what? Not important.
Whenever it was and whatever we were doing, I was suddenly struck with a memory of my parents. I thought of my two parents in the tiny little kitchen of their tiny little apartment. They were making dinner together, and teasing each other. Even roughhousing a little bit, with dad grabbing mum around the waist and trying to grab a spoon from her so he could sample dinner before it was ready. Mum would shout "No!" and laugh wildly as she held the spoon out of reach, food spilling all over the linoleum floor. When I think of my parents together, being in love, I always think of that time in the kitchen.
Which is why it was so strange that I should think about my parents at that particular moment in the Bio Building at the Academy. Sure a lab setting and a kitchen setting weren't completely different, except of course that roughhousing in a laboratory is always a colossally bad idea. I guess it had something to do with Jemma's movements between the cabinets and the way mum and dad moved around their kitchen. Associative memory was something I never excelled at.
V.H.
These two memories- the one of your parents and the one in the lab- are they related?
L.F.
Not exactly. As I've said, at the time I was in the lab, I was reminded of that particular memory, so now whenever I think of that time in the lab, I also think of my parents in the kitchen… Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm making a lot of sense.
V.H.
Don't worry. I'm following. Let's talk about the memory of your parents a moment. Your parents were in love correct?
L.F.
Before dad left, yeah.
V.H.
Before your dad left?
L.F.
Well he left when I was really young. Y'know I read fairy tales before bed and watched cartoons on Saturday morning. I was young and had fanciful notions about being in love and the like, so I associated my parents with "happily ever after" at the time.
V.H.
Do you associate the memory of your parents in the kitchen with two people being in love?
L.F.
I think I might, yeah.
V.H.
Do you think you might associate yourself being in the lab with Dr. Simmons with your parents in the kitchen when you were young?
L.F.
No, not at all. By the way, you're trying to suggest ideas. Psychiatrists aren't supposed to do that. I know that you're a field agent, but just for future reference.
Thinking about that moment in the lab years later, I suppose that was when I began to understand Jemma. She's not just interested in science or passionate about science. She is madly in love with it. It's not about learning for the sake of an education or even a career with S.H.I.E.L.D., because it's never about the knowledge with her. I see the look in her eyes when she talked about her studies. It's like an… existential yearning for meaning and purpose and… belonging.
I wasn't thinking of myself and Jemma in comparison to my parents. I was thinking of Jemma and her studies.
V.H.
So what do you think that means for you?
L.F.
That I'll be competing with the most mysterious and existential force on the planet for her affections.
V.H.
And have you told Dr. Simmons how you feel?
L.F.
No, I haven't. If there's one thing that's clear to me is that she doesn't and won't feel the same way. Not compared to her true passion.