Well... this is it. It's been a long time; I started this story in 2016! This installment is technically a chapter but it's going to read a lot more like an epilogue. I'm so incredibly proud of this story and I'm so glad I'm actually finishing it, so it's not out there in WIP status forever. Thank you, every single one of you who has stuck with me throughout the years, all the wonderful comments that have seriously brightened my day and really kept me going. This fandom is full of wonderful people and I'm so glad I got to be a part of it. Side note, apparently the setting to email you when a comment is posted turns off every 6 months now? So I wasn't getting alerted to anyone's comments for awhile :( I turned the setting back on, but please don't think I was ever ignoring any of you! I cherish every comment I get and it's always my intention to reply if I can.
Thank you to my beta readers, Kryalla Orchid and Lessnoisemoregreen, for letting me bounce ideas off you and making sure this story is the best it could be.
I'm totally not crying right now. Love to you all!
Hiccup's right leg jiggled as he sat uncomfortably, arms crossed tight and nerves on high alert.
Astrid wanted to comfort him, but he wasn't receptive to anything she had tried thus far, and she resigned to sit next to him and keep the vibe as calm as possible, even though he was anything but calm.
"Hey, I know I've said it already, but I'm really proud of you." She patted his bouncing knee. "This took a lot of courage and it's an amazing step in the Hiccup Recovery Plan."
"I liked the third step better," he said, not a trace of his usual sarcastic mirth despite what he was implying.
Astrid held in a snort. "Of course you liked the third step, dork."
His only response was chewing on his bottom lip nervously.
"You're gonna make it through this. You know they're not going to like, deep dive and root around in your psyche on the very first session, right. This is mostly a meet and greet. It's not like you're gonna get emotionally flayed or something."
"Doesn't matter. I am literally fighting every single instinct I have to bolt out of here like a skittish deer catching a whiff of a hunter up wind."
"And I'm very proud of you that you're still here. You're doing great, babe," Astrid said earnestly.
"I could be handling this a thousand times better than I truly am, and sitting in a chair shaking like a leaf is hardly the pinnacle of overcoming adversity."
"Hiccup, give yourself a break," Astrid said. "You are brave. This takes a significant amount of overcoming adversity to even get yourself here in this chair. You can do it. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. They're here to help, to be sympathetic, and to give you tools to use going forward."
"Did you read that off a pamphlet."
"Hiccup," she admonished. "Stop it, Mr. Sassbucket. This won't work unless you're open and receptive to the process."
"I haven't been open or receptive to anything in this whole deal, so I don't know how you think this is going to work. Maybe we should revisit step three—"
"Babe," she said, exasperated.
"Hiccup?" A man in his thirties appeared in the waiting room doorway.
Hiccup sighed and got up with the air of someone being led to a firing squad. He shook the proffered hand.
"I'm Todd Walker; your appointment is with me today. We'll head this way to my office."
Astrid gave him an encouraging smile and wave as he left down the hall.
The appointment was only forty-five minutes long, but Astrid had trouble truly concentrating on anything, her thoughts constantly circling around Hiccup and how well he was adjusting to the first therapy session. She opened an app, closed an app, opened another app, closed another app.
She would've accompanied him for moral support if it had been appropriate, but she wanted Hiccup to have the space to discuss anything as candidly as he needed to, his relationship with her included if it would help.
For as many traits Hiccup had that subverted traditional masculinity, getting him to open up and share his more vulnerable feelings was not one of them. He'd let her in to a point, but locked down anything beyond a certain boundary that he fiercely guarded. She had learned not to take it personally, but tearing down the walls he had built up was her personal mission.
Five more minutes to go. She tried to busy herself in her social media feed and her leg bounced anxiously, not unlike Hiccup's had forty minutes prior.
She heard a door opening and voices exchanging goodbyes. She looked up from her phone as Hiccup entered the waiting room, not any perkier than when he'd left with the therapist.
"How did it go?" she asked, tone light and conversational.
Hiccup shrugged. "Fine."
"Let's get some lunch, I'm starving," she said as she stood.
"Okay," he agreed, following her out the door.
They settled into a booth, waiting for their food. Hiccup rested his chin in his hand, subdued and mindlessly scrolling on his phone.
"So," Astrid said, attempting to engage him a little more. "How did it go, really? What did you talk about?"
He shrugged, non-committal. "Nothing much. We introduced ourselves, did the whole five minute ice breaker thing. He asked me why I was seeking therapy, I said I have unhealthy coping mechanisms and my girlfriend's called me out on it one too many times."
"Hey, you did not say that!"
"I sure did," he said, a ghost of a smirk.
"Did he know the reason why you have unhealthy coping mechanisms?"
"He was aware of who I am. He said he was amazed that I had managed to go this long without seeking help and, I quote, 'No offense, but I'm shocked you seem to be functioning as well as you are after all that. I'm gonna go ahead and assume your emotions are a rat's nest in there.' So you know, I'm already winning at therapy, right?"
"Ditch some of those unhealthy coping mechanisms and sure, you win at therapy," Astrid said, amused. "Does this therapist seem like someone you can trust, like you could find yourself opening up?"
Hiccup frowned. "I don't know. He seems nice. He asked me what I want to get out of these sessions and I honestly don't know. Be a functional adult, I guess. I don't like talking about things, and I don't think that will change for anyone. You're the closest."
"Aww, babe," Astrid said, squeezing his hand across the table. "You know you can discuss anything with me, anytime. I just don't have the tools to give you professional advice." She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "You know, Ruff is going into the field, would you maybe feel better with someone more familiar-"
"No," Hiccup hastily cut her off. "Not that I don't love and respect Ruff as your friend, and I'm sure she'll figure out how to be professional someday, but this wouldn't be the answer for my particular case." He wrinkled his nose. "I hate speaking about this stuff. It's intensely uncomfortable in the hot seat. It's kinda too early to know if this is going to work for me."
"Well, the point is you're trying it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but then at least you'll know."
"I guess. I mostly feel like I'm wasting everyone's time."
Astrid placed her palm over his hand. "Working on your mental health is never a waste of anyone's time," she said strongly.
He rubbed his forehead. "Honestly the whole thing makes me cringe. Like I can't even get a grip on myself, I can't handle a little emotional baggage-"
"A little?!" Astrid scoffed. "Hiccup. A little?"
"Okay a whole ass Victorian trunk full of baggage. There, you happy?"
Astrid pursed her lips in concern for a moment. "I wish you could see how others see you."
"Oh I know how others see me. I heard all about how others see me directly from their barbed comments-"
"No," Astrid shook her head. "I'm not talking about schoolyard bullies or people who took their suffering out on you. I'm talking about your friends and family, your loved ones."
"My loved ones weren't much better."
"Hiccup," Astrid warned. He shut his mouth.
She cupped her ear. "Remind me what your dad said at your art show? Hmm? What did he say, babe."
He rolled his eyes. "I know what you're doing."
"What did he say, Hiccup, when a bunch of benefactors donated thousands of dollars to your mom's reserve because of your senior exhibition and he saw real world examples of how incredibly powerful your art is?"
"Yeah yeah, things have been better between my father and me lately, so what."
"So, I'm saying, that your demons aren't feeding you the truth. Every thought in your head is being filtered through a web of trauma and criticism, but your family and friends don't think like that. We love you, and we all see the worth in you. Therapy will help you see yourself the way we see you."
"Were you reading through Ruff's text books again."
"Hiccup!" Astrid said, exasperated, restraining herself from leaping over the table and shaking some sense and self esteem into him. (So what if she had been reading Ruff's books, that was beside the point.) "Not everything has to go through your sarcasm filter either," she said dryly.
"But that's the majority of my charm."
"Is it though?" she questioned, narrowing her eyes and giving him a look.
"You seem to like it, otherwise you would've smothered me in my sleep with a pillow by now. Dare I say you've even had a sensible chuckle when I land on a particularly good zinger."
She couldn't help it, she laughed and shook her head at him.
"See? I've made the lady giggle. The razor sharp wit triumphs again."
"Alright, alright. Just... keep an open mind about therapy. I really think it will help you if you give it a chance," she said.
Hiccup was spared having to come up with a genuine answer when their food arrived. Not wanting to emotionally over tax him, she let him off the hook and asked how his job search was going.
"Ah, well you know. Sent an application to every single job that I'm even remotely qualified for, been ghosted by all of them. It's a real morale booster and confirmation I chose the right career path in the face of someone who was very vocal about it not being the right career path."
"The right one will come along. It's tough out there right now."
"Sure is. So far it's looking like I have a very expensive piece of paper that says I'm smart enough to continue working at the hardware store, which did not require the expensive piece of paper."
"Babe. It'll happen, chin up."
"How about you just graduate and find a nice cushy lab job that pays you oodles of cash and I can stay at home and be a house-spouse."
Astrid snorted. "You wanna be a kept man?"
"Sounds like a dream to me! You can be my sugar mama and I will satisfy you sexually and do the dishes."
"You don't do the dishes now," she said skeptically.
"Ah, but I also pay the rent. And I noticed you omitted the satisfying you sexually part, so I'm just going to give myself a little high five for that one."
Astrid rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smirk on her face. "This is not where I thought this conversation would end up."
"Never underestimate my ability to derail meaningful conversation to avoid the discussion of feelings."
"I have never once underestimated or doubted your ability to use sarcasm as a deflection, babe. You're ridiculous."
"And yet, you willingly choose to be with me. So who is the ridiculous one really?"
"Still you," Astrid said flatly.
"You wound me, milady."
"Walk it off."
ooo
Leaves and general forest debris crunched under her feet as she followed along a step behind Hiccup, sunlight filtering through the tree canopy. If not for the serious weight hanging over them like a fog, the scenery was actually breathtaking. Hiccup had barely said two words once they stepped off the path, and she was honestly surprised he knew where he was going, but she supposed his memories were all too clear.
His shoulders visibly tensed and up ahead a clearing was visible through the sea of tree trunks.
She slid her hand in his, gripping it securely and letting him know she was there.
He slowed his walk, exhaling and preparing himself.
"Are you sure about this?" she asked him quietly.
He stared ahead, a hundred different emotions heavy on his face. With a small anxious nod, he said, "Yeah. I think I am."
"Okay." She gave one more reassuring squeeze.
He started walking again and she kept pace with him, circumventing boulders and tree roots. The tree line broke as they approached the edge of a deep cove within the forest.
"Wow," Astrid breathed, awed by the beauty of it.
"Yeah," Hiccup said sadly. He looked down and scuffed his toes in the dirt. "If I had just made it to right here, I could've called for a ride. Or at least walked to the road and hitch hiked."
"Hiccup..."
He pursed his lips. "I didn't even try."
Astrid glanced down the walls of the cove. "This is almost a straight drop-off. Only proficient rock climbers would've been able to scale this, and that's with two fully functioning legs and equipment."
"Logically, I know that. Trauma has a funny way of convincing yourself that your failures are all your fault, like you somehow could've had more control over that situation."
"There's some clarity when you're an impartial third party on the outside looking in." She gestured to the cove. "You can't see the big picture if you're smack dab in the middle of it instead of above it."
"If only I could make myself believe that."
"I think," Astrid said, turning to look at him even if he wouldn't meet her eyes, "that you are incredibly brave to come back here. I don't know if I would have the strength. I really admire you for this."
"I don't think I really have the strength either, to be honest. But I think it's time to find some inner peace."
He started walking around the circumference of the cove, searching for something. He dropped her hand and peeked between boulders bordering the cove rim. He found what he was looking for and began to descend the rocky passage into the basin of the cove. Astrid followed behind, offering assistance to help him down, skittering on the rocks.
After the harrowing climb, Hiccup brushed dirt and debris off his shirt as he stepped into the sand. He milled around, hands clenched in the front pocket of his hoodie as he took in the surroundings.
"Was that really how you gained access down here?" Astrid asked, dusting off her pants as she came up beside him. "Tom was a fucking idiot if he thought you could climb that passage sans leg."
"He wasn't known for his intellect in high school, that's for sure," Hiccup said wryly. "It truly wasn't his concern when he left me here, only after he was caught."
"Well, I can see why you didn't attempt it in your condition. No offense, but you probably wouldn't have made it anyway. I'm an athlete with two fully functioning legs and that was difficult for me."
Hiccup inclined his head. "Agreed."
"So," Astrid said carefully, "maybe give yourself a break. Maybe you actually did the smart thing by staying put where they could find you and not break your other leg trying to scale that path."
Hiccup furrowed his brow and she hoped he was actually taking her words to heart.
"The past is the past and I made my choices," he said with an aloof shrug.
She didn't know how far to push him and worried about pushing him too far, but she also wanted him to arrive at some moment defining conclusions out here, which required some gentle prodding and nudging.
"Hiccup, I'm saying you made the right call."
His brow furrowed even more.
"That path was steep and treacherous, and it's a wonder you made it down in the first place-"
"I had three helpful guides who basically carried me down like a sack of unwilling potatoes."
She resisted the urge to snort at his remark. "-And I'm saying there's no way you would've made it back up, not in the state you were in. You could've fallen and broken something, or gotten yourself knocked out, you know? You made the right call to wait."
Hiccup absorbed this silently and she hoped her point had been made. He scanned the ground, indicating a spot near a boulder partially sticking out of the sand.
"Here is where the fight happened, when he ripped off my prosthetic and grabbed my phone."
Astrid took it in soberly. "Jesus."
"Yeah." He stared at the patch of sand, face carefully blank. He lifted his head and pointed across the water at a grouping of large boulders. "And over there is where I crawled to for the only shelter I had." He started walking around the shoreline.
"It was better than nothing," Astrid said. "Another smart decision."
Hiccup snorted. "I know what you're trying to do."
"So what," she said obstinately. "You need to hear it."
"I know, but you're just saying that because-"
"Because it's exactly what I would have done."
"Huh?" Hiccup said, losing his train of complaint.
"You were smart to seek the best available shelter you had," she said simply. "A cropping of rocks is better than sitting out completely exposed to the elements. At the very least it shielded you from some of the wind."
"Right, but..." he said slowly.
She raised her eyebrows at him and shrugged. "The more you say, the more I see how resilient you were. You're here today because you did exactly what you needed to do to survive."
"But I was terrified-"
"Oh Hiccup," she scoffed. "Do you think I wouldn't have been if it had been me?" She stepped up to him and held his hands in hers, giving them a comforting squeeze. "Give yourself some credit. You were kidnapped, beaten, had your nose broken, and survived out here like a badass with nothing but your wits and the clothes on your back-"
"I'm not Survivor Man, Astrid," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Stop it!" she protested, shaking his arms. "I didn't say you were. But I am saying you showed remarkable feats of intellect, willpower, and resilience out here. I'm honestly impressed."
"Laying it on a little thick, aren't you?" Hiccup said dryly.
"No, you just don't know how to take a compliment and admit that I'm right," she grinned. Her smile dropped as she became serious again. "I know you were scared. Of course you were scared. But the thing is, you still made the right choices while you were scared, and that's what matters. You were found and lived to tell the tale."
Deep in thought, Hiccup scanned the cove, dappled sunlight streaming through the trees, shining on the rippling water. "For the longest time this place haunted my nightmares. Which is a shame, because it's truly beautiful out here." He was silent for a moment, then gave her a side glance. "Just like you."
It seemed like an odd segue way, but she wasn't sure for what. "Hiccup?"
"To be honest, I don't think long term therapy in a clinical setting is for me. I'm not that comfortable and I just don't feel like opening up to a stranger, no matter how professional. But the one thing I did take away from the sessions is I need closure. The therapist said I've just left this wound hanging open, festering all these years because I refused to deal with it. I didn't need a therapist to tell me that, obviously. But it got me thinking. If I need closure, what does that look like for me?"
He took in a deep breath and Astrid waited for him to speak again.
"No more nightmares of this place, trees closing in on me in the dead of night... cold burning my fingers and toes... blood running down my face. No more bottled up emotions waiting to burst at the next trigger, no more boxes in dusty mental attic corners."
He turned to face her, picking up both her hands and squeezing them gently. He watched their joined hands as he spoke.
"I'm closing the book on that part of my life story and beginning the next volume. Chapter one starts with you."
He looked up into her eyes and Astrid's knees felt a little weak.
"I want to overwrite bad memories with good. I want to look back on this place and think how far I've come, how much I've healed, and how I couldn't have done any of it without you. You saved me from my sea of bitterness and I can't ever repay you for that, but I will spend my entire life trying."
Astrid's eyes watered and her heart leaped into her throat as Hiccup put his hand in his pocket and sank to a knee. "Oh my God, babe—"
His eyes shone too as he opened a ring box, took her left hand in his, and gave her a watery smile. "Astrid, will you marry me?"
A shocked squeal was all the sound she could make at first, nodding her head emphatically and wiping at her cheek with her right hand. "Yes, yes yes yes!"
Hiccup's face lit up, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and he plucked the ring out of its box and slid it onto her trembling finger. Astrid examined it joyfully, wrapping her arms around him in a crushing hug as he stood up.
ooo
Life will never be free of adversity. Sometimes it comes full force in a downpour, flooding everything in sight, until it becomes a pitch black sea as far as the horizon. But all it takes is one light searching in the darkness, one hand outstretched, one life raft to lift out of it.
No matter how bleak things seem, the future isn't set in stone, and there's always hope for better days ahead. Hoping is hard, and it's work. The climb is steep, but the only way to go from rock bottom is up.
And the sun shines so bright at the top.
"Toothless, no! That's my good cup, you little pint-sized monster!"
As her husband just saved his mug from an untimely demise on the floor, she gazed down at her newborn daughter's face, tiny and perfect, sleeping peacefully in her arms.
Astrid smiled. A broken cup had been the catalyst, propelling her life in ways she never could have foreseen, but she was infinitely grateful it had led her to this moment right here.