91Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss – an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc – is sure to be noticed" – Soren Kierkegaard.
Act Two – Mazes of the Mind
For some seconds, nor Allen nor the girl said anything, limiting themselves to gaze at one another while a soft rain of moonlight dripped on them and shadows lurked around with unknown intentions. The Noah's eyes passed by him, delaying briefly in his left arm, her face empty as if the time she had spent unconscious had stolen her capacity of expressions.
"Did she really just ask who she is?" Allen watched her as well, barely believing what he had just heard. Could that be even possible? Did this Noah remember nothing? And what was he supposed to say to that? The immediate idea was to make her feel safe, but what, should he say wasn't her enemy? Technically, being an Exorcist, that was what he was…
But…
"You're no longer an Exorcist…" A cruel voice, similar to that belonging to a small creature, whispered deep inside his mind, coming from that point where the sensation of being isolated from any known reality or the people he loved was still far too strong to resist. The boy ignored those words… Not being in the Order didn't mean his heart had changed, it didn't, it didn't…
"From now on, Allen Walker shall be considered a Noah."
Each shard of his being suffered the echo of the memory, but he didn't want to dwell in those thoughts…
Not yet…
Not now…
As he didn't concede her an answer, the girl lowered her eyes to herself, as if in need of confirmation of her physical existence, the meaning of the bones and nerve endings that she felt. Two or three threads of long dark hair still fell on her face, the rest falling down her shoulders and back. She made no gesture to arrange it.
Her face remained still, bereft of any hint of emotion, yet Allen thought he might have seen something in her eyes… Like the eyes of a nocturne animal, they seemed to shine in the dark and they made Allen think of a deep well, where one had to look with attention if wanting to notice the waves that denounced the presence of something swimming in there.
"I… Don't know who you are…" He confessed, having the impression of seeing one of those waves on her eyes and a muscle shivering on her forehead. Was she trying to frown? Perhaps it was just a trick of the light and shadows, the certainty dissipated in the night before having a chance of completely exist.
The girl lifted a hand with slow suavity, watching its back, flexing her fingers. Allen noted the movement looked weak as she experienced the sensation of movement, affirming that this body was hers. She touched her wrist, running a finger along the inside of it, over veins that she could not see. For a second, Allen wondered what was going on with her until a question clarified it.
"I am… Gray?" Her deep voice was low, hoarsely and her tone, even now, was serene, almost absent… Allen supposed it should be due to the time without use as it was almost scratchy, sounding as if it didn't come from her throat, but some more hidden point… A drowned voice.
She really had no idea of who she was. Nor of what she was.
What should he do?
When he had seen her, he had made no plans, not thought beyond the whim of taking her out of the Ark. With the numbness taking over, the fact that leaving her would be wrong had been enough for him to just take her along. If he hadn't, she would have remained locked in that room until she died or would be killed if the Order ever found her… He had considered nothing past that… He still felt the numbness stirring in him. If he had had no idea of how to proceed, what to do with her, then it all the more now that she seemed to just… Not know.
"Hm… Well… Yes, you… You're a Noah" The answer was more automatic than anything else, despite him being well aware that this didn't do any good as an explanation, but that was so unusual and the girl was so strange that the words had just come out before he could think.
He bit his lower lip.
"A Noah who doesn't know who she is… What is going on?"
Tilting her head to the side in a barely perceptible way, the girl turned her eyes to him again and, this time, Allen saw a shadow of confusion in them… Something distant, barely enough to be called an emotional display.
It was a bit disturbing.
"Eh… Let's start with simple things, right?" He tried. He had no experience with amnesia cases or read about them. "Can you remember your name, for example?" It sounded a good starting point as any.
For some seconds, the Noah seemed to consider the question. Her eyebrows moved slightly together, forming the lightest of frowns. It was the most of an "expression" Allen had seen on her until now.
"I…"
She hesitated, searching inside herself for something to guide her, something that stood out…
Then there was something… Almost a shadow of a word floating aimlessly…
"Raz" The girl stayed in silence, tasting the word before repeating it, testing how it felt. "Yes… Yes, that's it, my name is Raz…"
"Nice to meet you, Raz. I'm Allen Walker" He smiled more due to instinct, unsure of how he would explain the entire situation (and if it would be sensate to tell the whole truth). It didn't sound right to lie, it would likely do more harm than good, but how would she react or do? What if she attacked?
He just wanted this night to end.
His left arm was still heavy from Apocryphos's assault and it hadn't been long enough for him to feel comfortable in activating his Innocence yet… His nerves recoiled with the memory of those feathers wrapping themselves around, making his heart miss the rhythm.
He was tired and just wanted to go to town and get himself a place to sleep. He didn't care if it was on the street or even right here in the forest, he just wanted to lie down and sleep, just that, just that…
"Just call me Allen, okay?"
Raz nodded slowly, still watching his movements. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
"So… Try thinking about something else." He felt needed to say something. "Can you remember anything? The… The last place you've been or someone?" It could be of some help if the girl could remember how she had ended up in the room. She shook her head, never taking her eyes off him.
"Just… My name…" More hesitation, during which she observed her gray hands once more. He wondered if, after so long, her mind had forgotten how her members felt. "You said I'm… Noah… What is that?"
Allen had learned better than just place his trust on anyone (even more a Noah), regardless if she seemed harmless… But taking into account the state he had found her in…
He couldn't tell her all the truth, but he also couldn't just lie…
Right now, she wasn't a Noah. She was just a girl who only knew her own name.
"It's a bit hard to explain… But putting it simply, they… They are a kind of being with some abilities…" The words felt weak to the point of ludicrousness. He had never thought it could be hard to describe the Noahs, but without the context of the war, Allen realized that terms and definitions slipped away, their meaning becoming elusive.
Heh, actually, it fit, didn't it? It was what had happened… Everything had broken, leaving behind only ruins, too shattered for the person to have an idea of what world they had formed one day.
"The members of the Clan have gray skin… And some marks on their forehead, you have too…" He only hoped she would accept the vague and basic terms, for now. It would be far too complicated to tell about Innocences and the Millennium Earl… And possibly dangerous. "Don't worry, it's normal" He hoped she would set it aside in favor of the more pressing matter of her memories.
Raz evaluated him.
"Are you telling me the truth?" Among the emptiness of her existence, with her mind starting to work, learning again how to form thoughts, she considered her own question silly. After all, if this boy wanted to lie, how would she be able to know? She… She didn't know. She didn't ask if he was a "Noah" as well, taking in how spoke, it was possible to deduce he wasn't.
"I am" Allen replied as he stood up, knowing the girl didn't trust him. He didn't blame her. "Look, we're close to a town… We can go there, what do you think?"
If he had some luck, with some card games, he could earn money enough to pay at least an overnight stay in some cheap inn… If he found enough gamblers and won enough, there was a chance to pay for some food as well…
Raz said nothing for some seconds, studying his physiognomy and the hand he offered her before accepting it. It was no choice at all from her part. As she was, something in her already understood that she could either go with the white-haired boy or wander in the woods with nothing besides her own name…
Her legs were weak, bones no longer used to support her weight. The girl ignored the sensation along with the feeling of the blood rushing, the way it felt to walk. Everything felt new and strange…
"What do you intend to do with me?" She didn't know if he intended to do anything and as her mind started to weave thoughts again, questions came. Balance failed her and she leaned on a tree for support, preventing a fall that Allen saw it would have been a bad one, for she wouldn't have tried to place her hands in front like someone usually did. He thought he might have heard somewhere that people who spent a long time in a coma sometimes needed physiotherapy after they woke up, perhaps this was one of those cases? He wasn't certain. He wasn't even sure he could call her state a coma.
Noahs were more resilient than humans, this he knew, but this didn't mean nothing could affect them. She was also rather thin… Enough to one to consider her sick-looking. For how long had she been locked? How had she not starved?
However, he was surprised by her question.
"I… I don't have any plan…" He hoped his voice didn't sound as heavy as it felt. "Well, just going to town and try to get some money…"
After this, there was nothing.
Nothing…
Raz could only look at the strange boy, unsure if she understood the meaning of those words… Instead of asking for clarifications, she studied his appearance a little more. The white hair falling over his shoulders, the eyes of such a light gray that they were almost silver and the strange scar crossing the entire side of his face… The left arm, flesh as dark as solidified blood… For some reason, it made her uncomfortable.
She whispered.
"Who are you really?"
Allen didn't answer right away… It was a simple enough question, yet he found himself hesitating. His gaze was lost somewhere beyond, among the trees' roots, grass and fallen leaves, as if the answer was hiding there.
"I…"
More silence. Raz thought he wouldn't answer.
"I'm just a traveler…" He whispered with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
The situation was awkward enough for both of them and the girl decided to save her questions for later, perhaps when she felt more comfortable in her own skin. The boy didn't inspire any confidence in her and she had no means of confirming his words. Lack of choice, it all came down to that.
A shiver ran through her skin.
"Who am I really?"
"Hey, Raz?" Though the girl tried to walk behind him, Allen stayed at her side, paying attention to her movements in case her control failed her again. Her legs still trembled from time to time and she would lean on trees nearby to support herself then but other than that, he couldn't notice any evident problems even if it was clear she hadn't regained her strengths.
"Maybe because she is a Noah… Maybe she can recover faster from that, too?"
The image of that shining circle and the strange chains pierced came to his mind.
Allen pushed those thoughts away, it was not the time.
"Do you think you could change your appearance?"
The golden eyes slithered to him, still lacking emotion just like her voice.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Noahs can change a bit… I mean, to look more like… Other people" He had almost said "normal people", but feared this would sound offensive.
"And what…" Then Raz understood. Somehow, she didn't know how, she was aware that the boy's appearance could gather call some attention (if it was the scar or his arm, she remained unsure) and her gray skin definitely would… It felt like a good idea… Were Noahs (or whatever she was) uncommon? The girl hesitated. She had no idea of that boy's reasons to avoid attention, however, once she realized it was a shared feeling, that didn't matter.
"I… I'm not sure…" Assuming this was true and not some strange lie, she also hadn't the slightest idea of how this process would work. How was she supposed to do that, then?
Allen thought it was better to stay in silence. When Kanda had hurt him with Mugen and the memories (or genes or whatever the best term was) of Neah inside him had stirred and caused a transformation, he had just fought to not be consumed, not knowing what was happening for sure, his eye reacting to Alma's soul…
With Raz was different, she already was a Noah…
"If I become possessed by the Fourteenth… What will happen to me?" Would he be erased forever? Would he be caged in his own flesh, which would no longer be his, forced to watch as his friends were killed? What about his soul? And…
"Don't think about it now."
"I don't know either…" His mouth was taken by a bitter taste, created by his thoughts. "Try to concentrate" He risked. "It shouldn't be too hard…" At least the other Noahs made it look very simple.
The girl sighed. Just that? To concentrate? It wasn't a great help.
"But it's not like there is another idea, right?" And what would be the harm in trying? Raz tried to think about herself, to tell her body to change (and feeling quite stupid while doing so) and considered closing her eyes… And soon gave up on the idea, this would ruin any sort of concentration she achieved.
And, she was a little ashamed of it, there were seeds of fear slowly growing on her nerves… It disturbed her. When people close their eyes, it's a common gesture. Their thoughts remain active, their memories are a strong ground in which they stand… Yet, when Raz did so, there was nothing but the darkness. She was assaulted by the sensation of falling inside herself, almost how someone feels seconds before waking up trashing around.
"No, concentrate…"
Allen just watched.
For long moments, nothing happened.
Then, gradually, she started to change. It was slower than when Allen had seen Road doing it and because there was no immediate danger, he found himself paying more attention to how it happened. It was like watching a chameleon changing colors. Moonlight entered her skin and spread, lightening the gray to a paleness alike to its own. The sharp golden of her eyes melted and recoiled, leaving a bluish hue behind. Only her hair remained untouched, the contrast with the morbid paleness of her skin making it darker than anything else Allen had ever seen.
"That's it! You did it!" Allen exclaimed when the change was complete, the black stigmas growing thinner and closing, like wounds. If before she had a somewhat sick appearance, it was now intensified… If she laid down and closed her eyes, it would be all too easy to take her for dead.
The young woman stared at her own hands, held a strand of her hair and examined it, unsure of what to say or even act. Allen couldn't say he didn't understand her reaction. In fact, both of them had similar thoughts at the moment.
"What now?"
XxX
"I saw, he was with the Noah"
"Are you sure?"
"I knew we should have executed that Noah as soon as we found out what he was!"
"Allen brought the Ark to us and he helped a lot when that akuma of level four invaded the old headquarters."
"But a lot of people died. Who knows if that wasn't the plan from the very beginning?"
"There were two Noah with that traitor."
The points of pain on his hands caused by his fingernails helped Reever to hold himself, unable to tune out the comments and whispers in the hallways. All members of the Order were still shaken by the sudden events and the details had spread as hellish flames in a matter of minutes.
And now, naturally, people didn't speak about anything else other than the Noahs appearing and the disappearance of Allen Walker… Even in the Science Department's room, the silence of before had died.
One of the reasons why, moments ago, Lenalee had gone to her room, not wanting to talk to anyone. Komui had gone after his sister, not wanting to leave her by herself, especially in case someone tried to question her for details since everyone knew she had been the last one to see Allen…
They hadn't been the only ones to leave the room. No one there was really working and those who tried to, couldn't concentrate.
Now, hearing the comments floating around along with the whispers, Reever walked through the hallways holding his head high, fists closed tight until his nails made reddish half-moons on his palms… There was a minimum (and strange) pleasure in the pain, though not enough to distract him from reality… But even this feeling was bitter. Sick. He knew this and yet, he didn't try to stop it.
Maybe he too should go to his room, or to the library… Anywhere where he could find at least some silence.
He noticed a figure in a white coat and dark hair ahead.
"Supervisor Komui?" He called, approaching the man, passing by a group of people carrying papers and talking in low voices. Reever didn't need to pay too much attention to guess the subject… The words "dead", "Link" and "Allen" were quite clear.
His nerves snapped, each of them dominated by the wish of turning to those people and…
And…
But what could he really do?
"Reever" Komui greeted with a weak nod, making it look as if the movement was due to lack of strength, the strings of flesh and the bone finally giving in. Reever thought that the last time he had seen Komui with a vaguely similar appearance had been during the Four Level Akuma attack after Allen and the others had come back from Edo.
The man still displayed an official posture and serious expression, however, Reever had been working with him for many years to be fooled. In this regard, Lenalee and Komui were clearly siblings: The ones who knew them could have glimpses of how they felt by looking in their eyes.
Besides, the man's shoulders were lowered. A shiver, like a nervous tick, could be seen on his left wrist.
"Weren't you with Lenalee?"
Komui nodded in the same way, a doll with a broken neck as he started walking again, Reever at his side.
"How… How is she?" Moronic question. How did he think she would be?
"She…" Komui became silent for some seconds… Lenalee had been very quiet when he had left her, not wanting to talk about what had happened (or anything at all), but clearly not wanting to go to sleep either. It wasn't that it was late, but she looked tired enough to put an end to the day. Knowing his sister as he did, Komui knew the shock had wrapped her in the manner of a blanket, blocking any other thought and a part of her would rather remain like this… At least for some hours, if it meant a period (however small) of peace… Or the closest to it she could get.
He understood this wish, even if he didn't consider it healthy.
"She isn't fine." If it had been anyone else asking, Komui might've been tempted to lie. "Still in shock. I think we're all a little… I thought about giving her some hot chocolate…" Komui added, a bit too fast, words slipping before he could regain control.
He remembered when they were younger… Before Lenalee had been taken away… After their parents had died, sometimes he would make her a hot drink at night and when he had joined the Order, finally getting to see his baby sister again, there were times when Lenalee would wake up due to nightmares of fights and blood and akumas and he had restarted his habit. And in those moments, it was as if they were back to their true home, free and oblivious to that war and the sufferings…
Brief moments of peace.
But it was something when she was a child waking up due to a bad dream ("except it wasn't a bad dream, it was her reality"), but today? Was that the best he could do to help his sister?
Pathetic… And in the end, useless. So useless…
"I can't do anything for her… I couldn't do anything for Allen…"
He had wanted to protect the Exorcists in the middle of that system… And that was how it ended.
Useless.
"It's… It's a little strange. Usually, she is the one who brings you a drink…" Reever commented, hating how weak his voice sounded, betraying his insecurity. It was as if what had happened had poisoned everything else. Any idea of action or words seemed empty in his mind. The two men merely exchanged looks. Seeing there was nothing they could say that would sound normal, they nodded to each other in a manner of understanding and parted ways as Komui headed downstairs and Reever went towards another hallway.
Of course Lenalee was in shock… And as if what had just happened wasn't enough, Levelier had tried to question her.
"Yeah, sensibility's points to you, Levelier, your bastard…" He reflected with bitterness. And he had even mentioned Link's death as if Allen could be involved… Please, if the Noahs had been present, wouldn't they be the most likely suspects?
"I wouldn't be surprised if they had used Link's life as a bargain to force Allen to go with them. And then, they killed him without Allen knowing." Otherwise, Allen would have fought them tooth and nail, he was sure of that.
Around, the whispering continued.
Yes, it was a possibility… And there were more theories that could explain what had happened. Regarding why they had left Allen somewhere along the way… Yes, it sounded strange, but they didn't know the details, but…
But it was due to the fact that Allen had the Fourteenth's genes that many ignored the other scenarios in favor of that one in particular: That Allen Walker was a traitor.
"Great family we are…"
XxX
Conversations flowed in the air in sporadic waves, mutterings and words crawling over one another or clashing in intertwined waves from which it was possible to understand just a few terms out of context here and there…
It was past what would be a usual hour-range for dinner, but there were still a few people in the room designated for meals in the inn, eating and talking or merely sitting in a corner, alone. It was a typical cheap place, which major gain came from travelers passing by, who stayed just for some days before continuing their paths to wherever they're going to.
Like Allen and Raz.
Upon arriving in town, Allen had immediately sought bars. Those usually had timetables of their own and Allen had experience with those due to his years having to deal with his Master's habit of making debts and running off. He would stop near a window or the door and gaze inside, trying to see it would be worth a try. Most views were the same… Groups of men leaning forwards on a table, others sitting at the bar with their drinks and, sometimes, here and there, a man would be talking with a woman dressed in sensual clothes who merely smiled at everything he said.
There were risks everywhere, sure, but there were fewer chances of being bothered or attracting attention in establishments with medium clientele and those were the ones he wanted. They walked for a long time until finding an area dedicated to such places. Two or three of the bars they passed by wouldn't have worked: One seemed too fine (they wouldn't allow card games, let alone their entrance) and another looked too seedy for Allen to be sure there would be intervention should something happen, such as someone deciding to take their frustrations out in a fight or got interested in a fun night with a girl, no matter what she thought of it. While intervention wouldn't be necessary under normal circumstances, he needed to lay low for… Well, for a long time… And had no need for more problems this night. The ideal thing to do was to join a game, get money, walk away.
Simple.
So, after measuring the environment, the white-haired boy entered and pretended to be just watching around before choosing a random table (purposely near a group holding cards)… Then started to look in the game's direction, without standing up, as if he was merely watching. Then, after a few moments, he'd ask if he could join the game (with the world's most innocent and child-like expression).
After getting a considerable enough quantity (and this had taken some time), he had searched for an inn which overnight stay was cheap enough (Allen had been surprised to find one, to be honest) and that would accept them… A finer hotel wouldn't just be out of reach, it would never accept two shabby teenagers and neither of them was in their best shape. Allen's hair was messy, his Innocence arm showing (and that had earned some looks already), his feet and the end of his pants dirtied, clothes crumpled. And there was the fact that Raz looked positively sick.
Not that Allen thought he looked better in this department.
Now both of them were sitting at a wooden table near a window with two dishes in front of them.
"So… This is an Inn?" Raz merely moved her food around with the fork, inspecting it and often her eyes ran briefly around. Allen guessed she was quite curious about everything and vaguely wondered if her apparently serenity was due to shock and exhaustion or just the way she was. Right now, he couldn't find it in himself to care for much. He had spent the remains of his ability to care and to focus on the games. It was enough now. He wanted what he had wanted ever since stepping in the Ark: To lie down and receive the oblivion of sleep. "Are we going to spend the night here?"
Allen nodded as he chewed. The meat and rice were warm and didn't have much seasoning. It was a dull taste that seemed to be exactly what his body wanted.
He was not hungry.
He merely ate for knowing his body needed it after the events of this night. Meanwhile, his mind felt shattered, unable to make decisions or think about anything past the immediate actions.
And this was fine as well.
"Yeah… At least today." He didn't want to think about what to do afterward. It wasn't as if he had a plan anyway. Again… Did it matter? "Maybe I'll try to earn more money later…" He would need more, this was obvious, at least enough to pay for however many days they would still stay here.
"With those… Cards?" During the games, not sure of what was happening and still confused, Raz had opted to watch in silence. As soon as they had left the first bar, she had inquired about it for, as though she had soon caught up the concept of betting money, she hadn't understood those "little cards with figures".
"Yeah…" The boy answered with a shrug while he watched Raz turning her food around a bit. She hadn't taken a single bite yet.
While they had been walking around the streets, there had been an awkward attempt at conversation. Raz had not made questions about him, how he had found her or about herself (for which he was grateful, though she had perhaps realized he didn't know her in the first place), probably opting to save them for later as she might be organizing her own thoughts first or trying to understand the world she had woken up to.
Allen hadn't asked if there were familiar things around. Realizing that the answer would likely be negative and not wanting to pressure the girl, he let her be.
He didn't know what to do.
The Noah picked a piece of meat with the fork, examining it and even sniffing it a little before giving it a small bite, carefully…
She had no memories of flavors of any sort.
Chewing slowly, she blinked.
"This… Is good" The whisper was suave, almost as if the fact was a surprise to her.
Allen held a laugh, or a similar enough sound, in the wary way of people who don't know each other and muttered, leaning towards her.
"One of those days, you need to go to a real restaurant, then you'll see what good food is"
XxX
The black panther observed as the hoard of akumas dispersed, going through some portals of the black Ark in groups. The subtle movement of her chest as she breathed and a wave of the shining tail were the only indications that the panther wasn't a statue.
Lulubell had been quite clear with her instructions: The selected akumas would go through several places in the world, as she would. Any information, any sensation, they should report to her and that would be it. No attacks, no revealing themselves, nothing.
At least, not yet.
There was a reason why the Noah of Lust, able to change her shape at will, had a preference for that of a feline.
Any worthy hunter knows the value of patience and caution. They were not dealing with a typical situation and a rushed approach would be both rash and foolish. The Earl himself had been objective about this Noah they had to find: They were to evaluate the facts before making any decision.
It was something she comprehended and agreed with. Precipitated actions were among the paths that easily led to defeat in a chess game.
Returning to her true shape, the woman threw her blonde hair strands on her shoulder to her back and walked through one of the Portals.
If only the feeling of that new Noah's presence was like it used to be, with the feeling remaining for a time and moving in waves that helped to find them… But no. They hadn't this usual aid in finding her, so it meant they would have to roam around until they could feel that new Noah.
At least the akumas could also feel a Noah's presence, given a certain distance range, so the whole Clan didn't need to place their current missions on hold in order to find her.
It might take some time… But it didn't matter.
They would find her soon.
"A Noah can never hide from another Noah"
XxX
The library was empty, not a surprise for Reever. This was what he had longed for, what he needed. He probably wouldn't be able to stay for long, but at least he could have some minutes of silence and peace…
He wasn't asking for much.
He didn't look anywhere as he walked through shelves and shelves, trying to organize his thoughts that crashed against each other, making it impossible to follow just one.
Inside, he was apprehensive regarding the future.
He could remember the day he had met Allen Walker, almost two years ago…
He was a little shorter back then, a scrawny-looking boy with a red arm… Remembering the confusion with the Gatekeeper and how Kanda had almost cut the boy in half, Reever felt his body shiver with the weak laugh of a person who looks upon a past of child-like innocence while the present is a ground made of blood and corpses.
He had never imagined, that night, the things would someday reach the point of now.
How had it come to this?
He shook his head. What was he doing? Drowning in his own thoughts wouldn't solve a thing and it wasn't something he used to do. At the same time, while he wanted that night to be over, he was also fearing what the morning would bring.
"You're not a child, why are you acting like one?" He reprimanded himself, hitting his fist against one of the shelves. "You should be thinking about what must be done now!"
Yes, true, but the question was… What? What must, could, should be done? Allen was officially a Noah in the Order's eyes, nothing would change it. Timcampy had no tracker, so they couldn't find him (and neither could they establish a communication) and though Lenalee had sworn the boy hadn't left with the Noah, who could ensure he hadn't been captured already?
"Reever-san?" A meek voice came to him and when he opened his eyes, Reever saw Miranda Lotto, her dark brown hair loose, falling over the delicate shoulders and there was a bandage on the side of her face. "Are you alright?"
He sighed to himself, he didn't feel like talking to anyone, but there was no need or desire to be rude.
"Yes, Miranda… Just a bit tired…" He hoped she would take the hint and leave, but she did the opposite and came closer, studying his face.
"No, you… You're not alright, sir…" She muttered in an insecure tone. She had understood in his manners his desire to be left alone, but she wasn't certain if it meant she should do so or not. "I don't want to pry or anything, but…" What she truly meant to say was that there was no way he could be fine. There was no way anyone would be fine… She had come in here seeking some sort of peace herself. Though it was possible ion here to isolate oneself from the noise and some comments she had been listening, there was no way to run away from her own thoughts.
They stayed in silence for some seconds until Reever gazed at her pale face and gave in.
"No, I'm not alright"
Miranda nodded. Reever saw that the corners of her eyes were reddish and her hands shivered. She didn't wear her usual gloves, so he could see the scars of when the Noah Road Kamelot had pierced them with her candles. Reever considered asking her what she thought would happen from now on but soon changed his mind.
"What do you think that really happened?" Her voice was low and fast, more like a living being escaping its cage than a formation of sounds.
"The Noah came after him. Probably threatened to kill Link if he didn't cooperate and when they were leaving… Maybe because the agents of the Central were sent after them, they split. I don't know, but somehow, Allen managed to escape" It was what he believed, it sounded the most logical.
"And they killed Link anyway…" Miranda completed, nodding again. "I believe it was something like that, as well…"
Krory did too. The vampire exorcist had been with her until a few moments ago and they had talked about it. The man had been torn… Not that she was too different. Despite the pain, there was also anger, fear and great self-disappointment…
"We left him alone" Krory had said, hand against a wall, the finger's knuckles white and trembling, the voice of regret. "Levelier didn't allow us to see him, but we should have tried more!"
Should… Have… Could… The possibilities haunted her mind as much as Road's mocking laughter from the first time she had ever seen a Noah.
"I don't know what to do… I can't think about anything but what happened…" Reever growled, possessed by the need of taking that out of him. With a deep breath, decided to not cry (she would rather do it when she was alone, not wanting to show weakness now), Miranda muttered.
"You know… Back in my city… Many times, I would apply for jobs in which I had no experience… Well, of course I…" She chuckled a bit, hoping to give no signs of how those memories were still thorns on her mind. "I would mess everything up. And ended up wondering why I had tried if I already knew it would go all wrong…" After everything was ruined, having failed once more, she always asked herself why she had been so foolish and why she had insisted.
Only to go and try again.
For a while, Miranda hadn't understood her own actions. And she hadn't tried to justify or comprehend them either. After all, wasn't it said that insisting on repeating a mistake was stupidity? Insisting on something, even knowing it wouldn't work, wasn't the same thing? Wasn't she insisting on a mistake? Wasn't this stupidity?
It was, she thought and feared to be a twisted thing.
Which, in turn, meant she was twisted.
That there was something wrong with her.
Right?
"However… Later, I understood." She carried on, hoping she wasn't bothering Reever as she went to the point. "I would rather regret trying than regret not trying… Even if I wasn't sure what I was doing."
She took a deep breath, turning her dark brown eyes to Reever, who saw in them a kind of mist, like the one often seen over a lake. This, however, softly covered deeper feelings. Ignoring her shivering lower lip, Miranda completed.
"So… I guess what we need… We must do, is the best we can…" It sounded easy, but most things did when translated into words. "Even if we don't what it is yet. I guess for now we can just… Try to deal with things, holding to our faith."
Reever nodded.
It was all they could do.
For now…
XxX
After so much had happened, Allen had expected to fall asleep as soon as he lied down, his mind hopefully too tired to even conjure a dream… With how his muscles felt, he would have been able to sleep on the hardest and coldest floor and not think twice of it…
It wasn't the case, after all.
Wrapped in the covers, turning occasionally in search of whatever position or comfort it was that his body wanted in order to sleep, muscles screaming for rest and unable to relax, Allen had to face the fact that… He just couldn't sleep. And as exhausted as his mind was, the thoughts wouldn't cease either.
The silence tore apart the fragile chains inside, releasing thoughts and memories that, once freed, could roam around his brain, in images and words. He tried avoiding them, tried changing the focus, and it was all useless. Those thoughts had a force independent of his will. The minutes dragged into hours, one by one while the images kept pecking his sanity, the sound of dripping water in the silence. Drip. Drip. Drip.
"The Order and the Noah will be after you…"
Link lying on the floor, white feather-like things of a strange texture around...
"I need to think about what to buy… I'll have to travel from now on…" Yes, yes, that was good. After all, it wouldn't do to just stay here forever or wander with nothing but the clothes he had now. Okay.
"Hunted."
Sitting alone in the dungeons. Silence. Nothing but his own thoughts.
"Stop, it's enough…"
Meeting with Miranda and the others once he had arrived on Edo, so many months ago…
"Careful, if Raz remembers everything, she may cut your throat open while you sleep."
"Shhh, no, think about something else."
Lenalee crying, asking him to come back with her…
Crying because of him.
"How will it be, if you meet Lenalee, Krory, or the others?"
"What are they doing now?"
Krory, Lavi, Miranda and Lenalee staring at him with such despise… It was only an idea conjured by his brain, but even so…
"They'd never… Never, they are my friends, never, I trust them" This sounded too much like a child's plea and, threatened by the memory of how he had expected to hear from them (screaming from the other side of the door, a message, anything) while in the dungeons while the silence grew, Allen at once tried to imagine what they would be doing… He just hoped Lenalee wouldn't be in trouble for being the last person who had seen him.
"Maybe they are calling me a traitor"
He turned in the bed, sinking his face on the pillow. Scenarios passed through his mind, images of things that could happen dancing with good and bad that had happened, hitting the sane line that separated his mind from the reality outside.
"You carry two monsters inside you. You just sow chaos and conflict wherever you go"
"Enough, please, enough…"
The dark thoughts laughed at him.
He didn't know what he would do now and was too tired to try and plan anything. Couldn't he have some rest at least this night?
"To the Order, now, you're an enemy. Just that." But… Just because he carried the memory of a Noah inside? Even if he had been… Was an Exorcist? And he… He was human with an Innocence on his body, whose purpose was to save Akumas and defeat Noah… But… If even so, he was the host of a Noah at the same time… Then…
What was he?
Allen turned on his back, surrounded by silence and biting his lower lip as he opened his eyes. It just wasn't working.
There was no peace to be found tonight.
Turning once more, the boy looked to the side. They had had some luck and managed to get not only a cheap room, but one with two beds as well.
But Raz's was empty.
Sitting up, Allen soon saw her.
The bedroom was quite bare, just two beds, a nightstand between them and a small table, but the window was rather big, covered by dark curtains, with an inner windowsill large enough for someone to sit or lie down on it.
Raz was sitting there.
Back leaning on the wall, one leg up, her elbow resting on the knee. She had opened the curtain a little and was looking through the glass. As still as a nightmare, what Allen could see of her face was unperturbed, but he had already understood this meant nothing. It was as if her flesh didn't remember how to be touched by emotions.
Or perhaps it just wasn't. Who could tell, when it came down to Noahs?
"Can't sleep as well?" She with the voice of an undisturbed lake, not even glancing at his direction. Confirming with his head and a grumble, Allen stood and came near her.
"No…" He sat in front of her in the windowsill. She raised the leg that had been lying down giving him more space. "And you, why aren't you asleep?"
He regretted the question immediately. If he had ever woken up in Raz's situation, probably he wouldn't be able to rest as well. The Noah girl stayed in silence for some minutes, studying him. Allen had time to notice the hue of her eyes, a blue with a grayish hint, almost slate. Under the weak moonlight, they looked like stones.
Raz reflected briefly. In the few minutes she had spent in that bed, she had been unable to find any relaxation, be of the body or the mind. Closing her eyes and merely waiting for sleep had turned to be more than uncomfortable as it only served to reveal the emptiness in her.
She knew some terms and concepts, as colors and some objects (for example), but it wasn't the same… Those felt like some knowledge that just existed in her or had been carved in her brain, while Raz had no idea where she had learned them or seen them… Trying to search the depths of her mind for some memory, any whatsoever, was to fall in a darkness where nothing existed, not even herself…
She didn't need to try anything to feel that, either. All she had to do was to close her eyes…
This emptiness, however, was inside of her.
It was her own inexistence she was feeling.
She hadn't been able to remember her own face.
Upon waking up, she knew the colors of her skin and hair out of seeing them. It had been when excusing herself and going to the inn's bathroom that Raz had seen herself for the first time, in the mirror.
Slowly, she had touched her features, recoiling her hand right away.
That face was unfamiliar to her.
Who was she, after all?
The only faces she could conjure in her mind were those of people she had seen on the street tonight and of that boy, Allen Walker. Not due to any sort of sentimentalism, but because there were no others…
Before this night, there was nothing.
No faces or voices to think about, no sensations of any kind, no places or predilections… This went on and on until she was nothing but a glass doll, broken. Left somewhere. Alone.
Her mind was empty.
Her body was empty.
Empty, dark, and cold…
In the end, Raz thought that if she was being filled with lies, it didn't wasn't so bad… At least for now. Anything was better than that state of being there, but not being truly alive.
Tormented by such sensations, the girl had decided it was better to stand and go sit by the window, watching the moonlit street. But she found she couldn't find the way to transcribe such emotions into words. She wasn't sure she would, anyway. She was with the boy due to the lack of options, not out of trust.
"I'm confused. With all of it" It was good enough for an answer. She turned back to the window. Down there, a man walked around, tripping. She would have thought him sick, had she not already seen drunk people tonight and come to understand what it was.
"I imagine…" Allen nodded meekly, pulling part of the curtain away as well and looking through the glass. He would have liked to have something else to tell her, to make her feel better. Nothing came to mind.
"What are we going to do? Tomorrow?" The girl wondered, opening the window a little. Her straight hair was so thin that it seemed to shiver in the breeze. "You said you're going to try to get more money…"
"To pay for the next days we're going to stay here… And we'll need some other things, too…" He hesitated, unsure if Raz had any notion of what would be necessary.
"Bags?" She risked, tentatively. She had seen people in the inn with those.
"Two would be better. And some food… We need to think about every eventuality…" Allen slowly stopped talking and looked at the girl. Her clothes were somehow similar to the white garments he had seen the Noah Clan wearing, hers a sort of sleeveless blouse with a long swallow-tail, like that of a long coat, reaching to her ankles and pants. The suit probably had been white one day, but it was now dull, the end of the pants dirty with earth from the forest, like the end of the blouse's tail.
Allen smiled a bit.
"And we're going to need clothes, too..."
Ana: And one more chapter. There is nothing much to say here, though this chapter was a bit hard to write. The whole scene between Allen and Raz was quite awkward due to their situation.
Raz: Well... After all, what happened to me?
Ana: As if I'm going to tell now, right?
Reever: Did you really have to make everyone depressed?
Ana: And would anyone be skipping happily around after that mess?
Reever: Point taken.
Ana: And a HUGE thanks for Jy24, the first review I had! Thank you so much! And remember people, reviews keep me alive! So, tell me what you think!
Lulubell: You're quite pathetic.
Ana: I wasn't talking to you...
Jy24: Thanks so much! Yeah, English is not my first language and I often worry about mistakes. Well, for now, all you're going to know is her name. Yes, it won't be an Allen/OC fic, but there WILL be pairings. I'm just not telling yet.
Allen: Are you going to tell us ANYTHING that will happen?
Ana: The sun will rise? Well, as you can see, yes, the Noahs WILL be hunting those two down.
Allen: ... It just occurred to me that maybe the Earl won't be too happy once he learns she is wandering around with an Exorcist...
Ana: Ex-Exorcist, remember?
Allen (a huge dark cloud over him): No matter what happen, I'm still an Exorcist...
Ana: Oh, c'mon, don't be sad! Please! Your fans will skin me alive! For now, Raz doesn't trust Allen, but she has nothing else to do, except to follow him. And yup, they will be traveling together from now on!
Raz: I'm not sure I believe the things he told me...
Ana: Oh, give it time...
Ryuakilover: I'm happy that you enjoyed it! You have no idea what reviews mean to me! I promise I'll continue soon!
Thanks again everyone who read this! I hope you enjoyed it!