*Author's Note* Listen, this is just a stupid story I'm writing because the idea entertains me. Having a Rick-raised Harry and Morty desecrating the glory of J.K. Rowling is pure crack. Don't come into this story expecting a proper explanation as to why Harry Potter was raised by the aforementioned mad scientist, because I'm not going to give you one. Just suspend your goddamn disbelief as I spin my tale. Morty is now 11, and kinda magical because why the hell not? It makes a good story.

It was starting to rain when Albus Dumbledore apparated into the middle of the street.

He quickly summoned himself an umbrella before inspecting his surroundings.

It was a perfectly average American suburb, and the house before him did nothing to dispel that notion. If it weren't for the strange vehicle sitting in the house's drive, it would arouse no curiosity from any passersby. Dumbledore had some knowledge of automobiles, and he knew that this one was definitely unique, if shoddily built.

Of course, most people in town knew of the eccentric scientist residing on the premises and were familiar with the many unusual occurrences that transpired in that house.

Albus Dumbledore was entirely unaware of such gossip as he strode up the walk and pressed the doorbell.


A few minutes later he was sitting in a nondescript living room. smiled at Beth as she handed him a cup of coffee. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith. Your father will be joining us shortly, I hope?"

"I hope so Mr. Dumbledore," Beth replied coolly, taking a seat across from Albus, next to her husband Jerry. "He took Morty and Harry with him on a quick trip. They should be back shortly." Also present was a younger girl, about 16 years of age, her orange hair done in a ponytail, distracted by a small Muggle electronic device.

"So, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, what, may I ask, are your professions?"

"I'm a horse doctor," Beth replied politely. "Jerry's unemployed."

"I'm currently in between jobs," Jerry said.

"You're unemployed, Jerry," Beth corrected her husband sharply, "Don't beat around the bush."

The girl, who Albus assumed another of Beth and Jerry's children paused from fiddling on her phone and looked up at the wizard with mild disdain. "So you're one of Grandpa Rick's friends?"

"Alas, I have not had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Sanchez."

"Consider yourself lucky," Jerry said. Beth elbowed him sharply. "Ow! Sorry. The fact of the matter is, Rick is not the most pleasant guy around."

"I see. And what does your father do for a living?"

"Whatever the fuck he wants to do, apparently," Jerry muttered.

"He's a scientist. He's a genius, but you know geniuses," Beth gave a weak laugh, "They're always a little unusual."

"What about your son and Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, Morty is a fine kid, just a little scatterbrained," Beth replied. "Harry tends to take after Rick in some ways. He's not quite as… direct as my father, but he's almost as clever as him."

Dumbledore nodded and sipped his coffee slowly. He gave a slight grimace at the taste. "Could use some sugar," he said. Before Beth could stand up to go to the kitchen, he pulled out his wand and waved it at the coffee table. A small pot of sugar appeared, complete with a small spoon. Ignorant of the shocked faces of the Smith family, he added a generous amount of sugar to his cup and stirred it gently before banishing the pot and spoon together. Taking another sip, he smiled. "Lovely."

At that moment, a strange green portal opened up in the center of the room, and a tall, white-haired man in a lab coat emerged, followed by two young boys. The first boy had brown hair cut close to the scalp and a perpetually nervous expression on his face. The other was a shorter, raven-haired boy with glasses and a strange scar on his forehead.

"Sorry we're late, Morty got infected with an alien bacteria, so Harry and I had to shrink down to microscopic size and go into him. "Long story short, it was tedious." It was then that Rick noticed Dumbledore. "Who's this clown?" he asked bluntly. Small specks of spittle flew from his mouth as he spoke. He strode over to Dumbledore and glared at him before turning to look at the rest of the family. "What's with the faces? Did I track brain fluid across the carpet?"

"Grandpa, this guy just did magic," Summer said, pointing to the robed man.

"Bullshit, Summer. There's no such thing as magic."

"He made a pot of sugar appear and vanish from the table," Jerry said, pointing at the barren coffee table.

"Big deal," Rick pulled out a small device and, with a press of the button, summoned a small flask from thin air. "How's that for magic? Summoning things is easy if you have a transporter on you. Nothing but science."

"Richard Sanchez, I presume?" Dumbledore asked, standing up and holding out his hand.

"Rick, asshat," Rick replied, ignoring the outstretched hand.

"My name is Albus Dumbledore. Pleased to make your acquaintance. And this must be Mortimer and Harry," he said, turning to look at the two boys. "Nice to meet you both, although I admit, I knew Harry when he was but a child."

Rick ignored the man and walked over to the couch. "Whatever. Let's cut the crap, Bumblebore. What do you want?" he asked, uncapping his flask and emptying it down his throat.

Dumbledore smiled serenely and retook his seat. "I am the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Magic?" Morty asked, eyes widening.

"Hogwarts?" Rick laughed, then belched loudly. "What kind of shit name is that? Why didn't you just call it Pigdicks or Rat-cysts?"

Dumbledore willfully ignored the two and continued. "As I was saying, I have come to invite Mr. Mortimer and Harry to attend Hogwarts, where they'll learn the wonders of magic."

"So, what? I'll learn to cut girls in half and pull rabbits out of hats?" Harry asked sarcastically. "Doesn't sound very interesting."

Rick nodded in agreement with his son. "Magic is just sleight of hand and tricks. It doesn't exist."

Jerry smiled smugly. "Wow, Rick, for a man who knows everything, you're being very obtuse."

"Fuck off, Jerry. Newsflash: I DO know everything. You don't even know what obtuse means, so zip it. Anyway, unless this guy has any concrete proof magic exists, I'd like to show him the door."

At this, Dumbledore stood up and, producing his wand, proceeded to enchant the coffee table to dance around the room. After a few minutes, he dispelled the enchantment and looked over at Rick with a smirk. "Convinced?"

Rick stood still for a moment, staring at the robed man with an expression halfway between hatred and curiosity. Then he shrugged. "I'm still not convinced."

"So you think Morty and Harry are cut out for this school of yours?" Beth asked, steering the conversation back on track.

"I presume that young Mortimer is capable," Dumbledore replied, finishing his coffee. "He wouldn't have appeared on our school's attendance list if he was a Muggle."

"Muggle?" Jerry interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

"Non-magical," Dumbledore explained patiently. "As for Harry, his parents were both great wizards in their own rights. This brings me to the question of why he is residing with you, Mr. Sanchez, and not his relatives."

Harry smacked his head in frustration. "Shit."

"Rick, what's he talking about?" Beth asked.

Rick rolled his eyes. "Dammit. Ok, confession time, Harry's not actually my son. I sorta adopted him."

"I believe the correct term would be 'abducted'," Dumbledore said.

"You kidnapped Harry?" Beth asked angrily.

"Uh, gee, Rick, that's a pretty awful thing to do," Morty added. "I mean, that's, that's morally reprehensible."

"Morals are for people who give a fuck, Morty," Rick replied.

Harry, who had remained quiet until now, spoke up. "I went with him voluntarily, Morty."

"I'd still like to know how you came to be in Mr. Sanchez's care," Dumbledore said, eyeing Harry with curiosity.

"Fine, whatever. Listen, I'm not going to go into details as to it all went down because the whole story makes little sense and contains too many *ughhh* plotholes to count. All you need to know is that his so-called 'parents' were so-called 'assholes'. I mean, they made him sleep in a broom closet under the stairs. I'm surprised Child Services hadn't beaten me to the punch."

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were not his parents, Mr. Sanchez," Dumbledore said. "They were his Aunt and Uncle. I sent Harry Potter, as the Wizarding World know him as, to be raised by the Dursleys after his parents were killed."

"Killed?" Beth asked, raising a hand to her mouth.

"Indeed, by a dark wizard."

"Dark wizard?" Rick shook his head. "What is this, Lord of the Rings?"

Harry, however, was intrigued. "Tell me more about this dark wizard, Headmaster."

Rick rolled his eyes. "Oh, wow. A tragic backstory. Real original."

Dumbledore nodded. "His name, which many are still afraid to speak, is Voldemort…"


"So long, safe travels, thanks for coming, don't come back," Rick said, slamming the front door behind the Hogwarts headmaster with a resounding bang. "Well, that was a stupid waste of time," he said, rejoining the family in the living room. "Who wants to watch TV? I think Ball Fondlers is on right now."

"Rick, can we please talk about what just happened?" Jerry asked impatiently.

"What's there to talk about? Harry and Morty are invited to go to some bullshit magic school? Not worth my time in discussing," Rick said, flicking on the TV.

"Can we go?" Morty asked, excitedly.

"You can't be serious?" Rick snapped, glancing over at his son and grandson. "Didn't you hear what that old fruit said? Fucking dark wizards and Harry as some sort of living legend? It sounds like some stupid *hack* young adult novel."

"I'd normally agree," Harry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Still, I am somewhat intrigued."

"Great, I expected this from Morty, but not from you. You can't seriously be considering attending that ridiculous school?"

"The idea of magic is pretty fascinating. Think about it, Rick," Harry said, his mind racing. "If magic does exist, then there could be a way to manipulate it. The potential for scientific applications is almost endless, certainly profitable, to say the least. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity. We can't pass up on this!"

Rick let out a groan and stood up. "Ok, you had me at profitable. You can go to that stupid school." Harry pumped his fists as Rick stood and left the room, mumbling something about wizards and bullshit.