Hey, we're back. It's been a while, hasn't it? How have you been? Seen any good movies lately? HAHAHA, you're so funny. Anyway, enough flirting. Here's something to keep you edged until we get to the grand finale.


"I think Malfoy is up to something."

"He hasn't done anything in two weeks," Hermione said, face glued to her Potions essay.

"I know! It's fucking weird!"

"You did save his life, Harry," Morty pointed out.

"After I killed him. We're sorta even on that score."

"Not to him."

"Ron, back me up."

"I'll admit," Ron said, "I sorta miss having someone to hate unquestioningly. It really motivates me to succeed."

"I know," Harry flopped down on the floor like a sulking five-year-old. "What's the point in trying anymore?"

"We still have the Philosopher's Stone to deal with," Hermione noted.

"Ugggh, are we still on this?"

"Yes, Harry, we are!" Hermione rolled up her essay and tossed it across the table. "Someone is still trying to steal it, and we need to stop them."

"Oh, so now you want us to get involved?"

Hermione stood up. "You don't get it, do you?" she asked before storming up to the girl's dormitory.

Harry watched her go. "What's her problem?"

"Wow, you really don't get it," Morty replied with a shake of his head.

"Will somebody tell me what I'm missing?"

"You're the smart one, Harry," Ron said. "Figure it out yourself."

"Fine, I will. I don't need anyone's fucking help!"


"Dad, I need your fucking help."

Rick raised a hand. "Don't. Move." He was leaning over the work table, gently probing something with a pair of pliers. "One wrong move and it's all over."

"Is that a bomb?"

"Will that get you to shut up?"

"...Probably."

"Then y*ESSss* it's a bomb."

Harry sat down against the far wall and waited. A few minutes later Rick sat up. "Whew, that was a bit tricky towards the end. I almost fucked up the rigging when you walked in. Thank god you follow directions better than Morty."

Harry peered around Rick's shoulder to the object on the table. "A ship in a bottle? Really?"

"Fuck you, I can have hobbies. Also, not just any ship," Rick lifted the bottle from the table and showed it off. "This is the HMS Beagle, the ship that brought Charles Darwin to the Galapagos. Of course, this is a completely accurate scale model, with every rope, sail and detail exactly as it was in 1835."

"Under all of that assholery you're just a regular old science dork, aren't you?"

"If you look closely, you can see a miniature Darwin fucking a sea turtle on the poop deck." Rick gently set the model back down. "Okay, who do I have to clean up for this time?"

"It's not that," Harry replied. "I'm just confused."

"Harry everyone's been a little gay at some point in their lives."

"That's not what-"

"Sexuality is not binary, Harry. When your parents broke up Beth fooled around with girls for a while."

"Dad!"

"I'm sure Summer's bi, or 70-30."

"I'm not gay."

"I experimented in college with my roommate, Alan. Things didn't turn out too well for him, but that was the fifties, no one will forcibly castrate you now."

"Listen!" Harry said, slamming his fist on the table. The model of the Beagle wobbled, sliding precariously towards the edge of the table. "My friend Hermione has been acting weird."

"How so?"

"Well, at first she wanted nothing to do with the Philosopher's Stone, even going to great lengths to stop us from investigating. This morning, I suggested we drop it and she lost her shit!"

"She's probably menstruating."

"Last time I talk to you about girls."

Harry left the garage and went to the kitchen for a beer. Summer was sitting at the table, working on homework. "You're missing a decimal point," Harry said as he cracked the tab of his Bud Lite.

"Should you be drinking?"

"I shouldn't be doing a lot of things, Summer. Oh, god, your division is all off. Scoot over." Harry took the pencil from her hand.

"I missed this," Summer said, smiling. "My grades have plummeted ever since you stopped doing my homework."

"Luckily I'm rich now or I'd be charging you again."

Summer grabbed a beer and joined sat back down. "So, what were you talking with Rick about?"

"One of my friends is acting weird."

"Shocking."

"And Rick can't help because my friend's a girl."

"Yeah, knows nothing about women unless they're horny and have a degree in astrophysics. Tell me about it."


"...And then she was just like 'You don't get it, do you?', and stormed off."

They'd gone through two cans of beer each and were now tapping into Beth's box wine. Summer swirled her glass around and smiled. "I see what's going on."

"Then tell me, because no one else will."

"Harry, you remember when Grandpa got arrested and we tried to get him back?"

"Yeah, we got him back. Good adventure."

"Do you remember what Morty said in the Council of Ricks?"

"No; to be honest, I was distracted by our lawyer's dancing. That Morty knew how to cut a rug."

"Well, he said how you can't be normal around Rick, he makes it impossible. There's no going back to normal because he redefines normal."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Harry, you're basically a Tiny Rick."

"Alright, TINY RICK!"

"Will you fucking listen? You have the same effect on people. Hermione's become a part of your life, she's become accustomed to adventure, and you're depriving her of it."

Harry sat up. "Oh my god, you're right. I've become the Mary-Stu of the fic."

"Well, that would imply you don't have flaws, which you have many."

Harry jumped out of his chair. "Thanks, Summer, you've reminded me of my unequaled importance to my friends' lives.

"Oh, God, no. You're not going to let your ego take control."

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my ego trip!"

"...Fuck."


Hermione was having a perfectly fine dream. Ron was in a bathtub full of gravy. She was just about hand-feed him a bouillon cube when Harry kicked open the dormitory door and cast a quick light spell. "W-wake up, 'Mione."

"Harry?" she sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Are you drunk?"

"A little, but that's not the point."

"Why are you here? How did you get up the charmed steps?"

"Ron, Morty and I are going to steal the Philosopher's Stone. You're in or you're out. You in?"

Hermione gave it a moment's thought. "You son of a bitch, I'm in."

"Don't say that. That meme's stale."