A/N: This will be a series of snippets taken from the AU of Chuck vs. Graham the Killer Pimp. Within these stories we will encounter quite a few of the people in the Chuck universe, but the core is still Charah even if neither appear in a particular chapter. This first tale is an outtake that was written in my draft, but for apparent reasons after reading I did not think it quite fit. I'll rate this story a T for language and situations; it is probably as close to an M as anything I have published on here. I do not own Chuck, but hope you enjoy my interpretation of the characters. Also I have no idea what assignments the CIA initially give to female operatives; obviously I would hope they aren't given the ones I'm describing, but not naïve enough to doubt it.
Tales from the Killer Pimp
Welcome, I don't usually let civilians into my office, but since the previous story had my name in the damn title and I don't even make an appearance I made sure I got this mediocre offering started right. My name is Langston Graham and if you believe that is my real name you're probably the correct target audience. One true fact is I am a Director in the CIA, what I actually do is far above what you are cleared for, so just suck it up. Another true fact is that you could state the titles of these tales are true; I have pimped out men and women and asked them and many others to do things that would make you claim I am a monster. I may very well be, but I don't have the luxury to be soft; the person you give a pass to could easily be in charge of the next 9/11 and if it means sacrificing my humanity to protect the U.S. I will happily do so. Oh, and I have killed many people. Do not ask for a body count; nobody keeps track… not even snipers they'll just toss their books at you.
That being said you cannot survive for long if the job is absolutely the only thing you have. You need something to ground you in what you are fighting for; otherwise you will lose focus and the power you hold can easily corrupt. Whether you choose someone from inside or outside the intelligence game there are huge disadvantages in either case. The key is choosing the right receptacle for your trust; obviously most choose people; however, my predecessor used goldfish. Granted his sanity was questioned at having a multi-thousand-dollar setup for two goldfish, but he was one of the few people in this arena that even his enemies truly respected. My choice for quite a while was not letting anybody in, but as the song states 'if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice'. (Rush- Freewill)
Eventually my decision was not to place this burden on simply one person, but eventually I created a group that had no idea of any others existence, identity, nor any concept of the full truth, but each had a sliver. My other decision was to create a unified group to act as my 'enforcers' that I could trust to accomplish what needed to be done without fail. Sadly my initial group, the horrifically monikered CAT Squad became compromised and lack of trust within the group forced me to blow it up. My second group fared better than any since the original Culper network. Easily making the best choice of my career in recruiting a knock-kneed teenage daughter of a con man and the second sending her to Burbank. The stories you are going to read are true; in some instances, items or names may have been changed to protect national interests. Without further ado I present:
Amy vs. the Nerd Herd
Or the Day the Nerd Herd Died
When she received her orders that she was flying out to LA from General Beckman on an intermediate assignment she was thrilled as she hadn't been to a beach for what felt like forever. Waiting until after boarding the plane to look at what the assignment was made her immediately get up bring her packet into the bathroom with her where she stomped her feet and shrieked. Slightly embarrassed as she made her way back to her seat she silently cursed herself as by accepting this without question for the first time since leaving the CATS and the CIA she felt that she was a ditz.
Amy liked to label her career pre and post CAT Squad. Prior to joining up with the only three people she still trusted in the industry; her undercover assignments were: hooker, coke addict, hooker, wannabe porn star, debutante party girl, hooker, diner waitress… Somehow amidst these lucrative assignments she had garnered the attention of Langston Graham. Just at the nadir of her career; posing as a fluffer.
Thanks to a 'technical glitch' her backup came in an hour after they were supposed to which meant she actually had to perform her job a number of times before her 'back up' arrived. They also deviated from the plan which was to bring her gun in to allow her to help reign in the cartel members who were using the shoot as their cover for entering the country and having the meeting as the porn company was one of their legitimate offshoots. Instead her two 'partners' burst in with ATF and DEA troops and mark her as one of the first people to cuff with only a 'just go with it' to assuage her feelings of betrayal.
The trip was nothing more than a blur, being placed in the back with the criminals she was close enough to hear the laughter of the agents, but when one asked to see the footage again her brain shut off until she found herself in an interrogation room, uncuffed with an after action report in front of her. She knew the mysterious and ever-present 'they' had finally broken her. She had no idea how long she was in the room until she felt somebody pull the report away from her. She cast her eyes towards the hulking man seated across from her and grew curious over a number of things: how did he make virtually no noise coming in here, how long had he been in here, and what had she written down that had him glare at the paper, before a brief smirk and setting it down.
The man wiped his face with his hand and cleared his throat which finally brought Amy's full attention to him, "I cannot imagine your recruiter ever mentioned anything like this could happen, did he?" At the shake of her head he continued, "3.8 GPA at Princeton, paid for through academic fellowships and a partial athletic scholarship that had you a four-time letter winner, 3-year captain and two-time NCAA tournament participant in volleyball."
Amy nodded her head and offered a barely audible, "Yes," to that statement.
"If you do want to quit, I can release you from your contract." Amy's eyes widened at that, "It finished your report where you wrote 'My partners fucked me every way but literally. I quit!'" He allowed it to sink in for a moment before he continued, "Although succinct it captured the essence of what happened effectively." He slid his card over to her, "If you do want to stay I am putting together a team of highly skilled female operatives and I'd like you there to help make them a team instead of a group of individuals." He slowly got up from the table and started to walk away; just before he opened the door he turned his shoulders and stated, "Your partners may think this was a good day, but that will change." Amy began to mouth 'no' although a sizable part of her wouldn't mind seeing both on an autopsy slab; the chuckle brought her back to the room, "No that is not on the table, I have left that up to two of your potential teammates and I have to maintain plausible deniability."
Amy closed her eyes as she found herself back on the plane conflicted with the joyous memories of the team, but guilt quickly overtook that as she whispered to herself that all the members of the team are still alive. The intercom came on stating they were about to descend and there was a car waiting for her on the tarmac.
Amy looked at herself in the mirror; if the pigtails and skirt hadn't scared her off the smells emanating from the Weinerlicious certainly should have. She took a deep breath remembering that this was a maximum of four weeks and it was a limited surveillance detail. She was to watch a Charles Bartowski who happened to work across the parking lot at the Buy More, more importantly she was to find any trace of Bryce Larkin attempting any contact with him.
How a corpse with two shots through the heart can just disappear made her think 'that she was getting too old for this shit'. Not actual age, but mentally she was beginning to see the edges of sanity beginning to fray. Thankfully she did not have to seduce her mark, but she would be amenable if he was interested. Watching the replay of Forrest's pitiful attempts made her laugh so hard she cried; even now thinking about it, it was difficult for her not to burst out in laughter.
Her initial encounter with the target and his friend went horribly. The two were the only patrons and they were sitting and eating on a table by the window; so she chose that time to try the product she was selling. She spat it out immediately and rushed over to their table making sure the two weren't poisoned. After they calmed her down and explained these were an acquired taste and probably not one you should want to acquire and for at least the first dozen you need to drown them in ketchup.
It took her two days for her to realize the albeit brief respite the two provided for her. The wardrobe made more sense now as the clientele was at least ninety percent male and amazingly Chuck and Monty were the only two that looked her in the face… well Marvin did about half the time which was a stark contrast to the rest of the day. The result of that was her becoming almost overjoyed whenever they would come in.
A few days later another mortifying experience happened; Skippy, the manager, dragged his scrawny ass in and after going into the stockroom quickly ran out the door. About ten minutes later he came back out of breath mumbling something about they should have located closer to the Large Mart as he was dragging a five-pound bag of powdered sugar. Apparently the previous evening two, presumably, men, according to the description, each ordered a waffle and sausage and proceeded to throw them away after emptying out the syrup dispenser pumping what they could into the other's waiting mouth (Quick A/N: I wish I were a better writer to be able to phrase that last sentence differently and still convey what happened… and get your mind out of the gutter, geesh).
Amy easily placed the bag on the counter and asked how she was supposed to dole it out as they had no standard sugar dispensers and she did not feel comfortable using a salt or pepper shaker as it could be easily lost. After a few minutes he walked out of the storage closet with two white condiment dispensers. Apparently they were part of an ill-conceived Lent promotion which had fish sticks in place of the sausages and the dispensers contained tartar sauce. It only took a few hours for the first reports of food poisoning to realize leaving tartar sauce sitting on a counter is not a good idea. Skippy eagerly poured the sugar into the dispenser and Amy leaned over to see how wide the aperture was. At that moment Skippy squeezed the bottle and a large quantity of sugar burst forth with a substantial portion of it going up Amy's nostrils. Skippy quickly brushed off her face and proceeded to open the top and brushed in what landed on the counter. He paused for a moment after scooping what landed on the floor with a dustpan, but eventually chose to throw it away.
When the two came in she was admittedly experiencing a sugar rush unlike any she had ever had before. What she didn't know was that her nostrils had sugar crusted over on them allowing them to make an incorrect assumption about her. It took another two days and a demonstration before they completely accepted. It was at that point Manuel asked her to go out on a date. She quickly processed that it would help with the mission; she would ostensibly be around the subject more and there was a slim chance she wouldn't have to go to Large Mart for D batteries as often.
The first date was surprisingly thrilling as riding a bicycle on the freeway is wont to do; he was also surprisingly adequate in the bedroom, well as much as anybody that had Star Wars pajamas she imagined. The second date she was also amazed at how cocky Monica had become as she drove them to Chuck's apartment and he asked if she had any friends to set up poor Chuck with. She stated she only had a few friends and as time passed they've drifted. Of her three best friends one seemed too aggressive for Chuck, another was probably too physical, the third she actually thought would be a decent match, but she was extremely particular. However, she did file away that perhaps she would contact Sarah; she deserved far better than the Brycehole and she also filed away the reaction from Chuck after mentioning the name Sarah.
The third date changed her life forever as Mickey chose to show her off to his co-workers. A lot of attention was paid to one in particular; an attractive and fairly short Asian woman whose disposable income appeared to be spent on an excess of eye shadow and skirts with a minimum of material. The more Mxyzptlk fawned on her Anna, as she found out, scowl would begin to deepen. A quick scouting of the store made it rather apparent she was used to being the object of desire; not that she wanted it to go anywhere with anybody here, but perhaps Mordru… She was caught staring at the waffle irons as the thought of taking a CD and smashing it inside of one could potentially create throwing stars and only briefly heard what sounded like 'manicured lawn' when she caught out of the corner of her eye a tripod swinging at her face.
Amy quickly 'Matrixed' back out of the way to a snarling Anna who was cursing in English- 'meat skank', Mandarin- 'dumb whore', and Hawaiian- 'poi planter'; if she remembered she wanted to double check on that last one. She found herself once again impressed with something in Burbank as her opponent was obviously trained in a variety of martial arts. Amy withstood the initial onslaught and found an opening to grab a tripod of her own.
It was a fierce battle as two warriors went at it; neither able to gain an advantage for any measurable amount of time. The occupants of the Buy More, the majority of the workers and customers headed for the walls, a large number chose the home stereo room. Chuck and Marnie holed up behind the Chevy Chase discount DVD bin leaving the last two unaccounted for people in the store Jeff and Lester transfixed behind the Nerd Herd desk.
Their skill was obvious to everybody in the store, but the longer the battle went the focus on their skill descended into something a little more primal as two attractive females, glistening with sweat, muscles tensing, exclaiming grunts of exertion while pushing one another to their limits (A/N: Nope, this time I am smack dab in the gutter with you all). This was the prevalent thought in particular with three people in the store.
The more oblivious one, Jeff, shook for a few seconds before announcing he had to go to Loretta for some new pants and some freeze-pops. For Jeff a freeze-pop meant taking a two-liter bottle of whatever soft drink that was on sale and filling the rest with antifreeze. He was found the next morning comatose in Loretta, the second pair of pants on his head with the waist and belt tightened around his throat, the fly down (although in correct literal terms it would be up), a few assorted plastic bottles along with two empty containers of antifreeze. It took quite a bit of convincing as the police immediately wanted to report this as an attempted suicide before the group of people stated they needed to stop by on Arbor Day if they wanted to see Jeff really do something unusual.
The other person behind the Nerd Herd desk couldn't tear his eyes away from the spectacle before him. That fact quite obviously hindered what he was apparently trying to do (A/N: could not bring myself to write 'searching for a snake in his pants… there are some lines you just cannot cross). Unfortunately, his ministrations caused him to graze against the intercom system and in turning that on hearing a voice that made Gollum sound pleasant state, "So close" repeatedly forced the majority of occupants to exit the premises immediately. When, "I think I'm close… ahhh, where did it go!" come shrieking from the speakers throughout the store only six people were left inside.
The two gladiators paused for a moment, looking at the other in admiration; wordlessly asking the other if they wanted to continue and looking around to locate the disturbance. The competitive spirit within each would not allow either of them to relent, but both decidedly moved towards the source of the disturbance. Lester took a quick glance around the store with the pause and noticing the lack of other people decided it would just be easier to drop his pants. Not surprisingly even this task almost proved too much for the Hin-Jew as his tie got caught in the zipper he had to put back up because he had to follow the procedure his mommy taught him. He had to look down from the action; and when finally unencumbered he looked up and found himself staring at the legs of a tripod and a Valkyrian death glare. As his bladder released, his face flushed as he stated, "I believe the going rate is ten dollars… I have to get my wallet from the floor."
As he began to bend over Lester had no idea that the other participant was behind him. Anna noted before grabbing this particular tripod that it was equipped with the 'rapid-fire extension'. As she initially thought there was no possible application that would make this particular accessory necessary; she was proven wrong as she closed her eyes and fired. The girlish squeal did not want to make Anna open her eyes nor the simpering of the fool now on the floor that, "That was in fact twenty dollars he owed her."
On the other hand, the giggle that Anna heard captivated her and she looked across the desk and was stunned by the beautiful blonde who had tossed her weapon to the side and was brightly smiling as she was appraising Anna just the same.
"I'm not sure if Mowgli told you, but my name is Amy."
Anna's smile became even more relaxed, "That's a pretty name," she looked down for a moment until she realized what was down there and in a whiplash creating movement brought her head back up, her eyes meeting Amy's and with some remorse added, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted that way… but in a way I am glad… if that makes any sense."
Amy simply nodded and with a look of understanding and hope held out her arms towards Anna imploring her to come to herself. Anna refused to look down and took tentative steps towards the counter. She scrunched her face as she knew in order to get to Amy she would have to step on the mass on the floor; when she made contact she should not have been surprised as she heard a breathless voice whimper, "That's another fifty… Do you happen to take a post-dated, third party check?" With the lack of an immediate response he questioned, "What are you hard up?... If it isn't too much trouble can you move to the left a little?"
Seeing her potential paramour paralyzed Amy quickly reacted by hopping on top of the counter and pulling Anna next to her. They were staring into each other's eyes longingly when a different voice cried out, "Chuck, are you as excited as I am right now?"
There was a commotion in the DVD section as a loud, "No!" was uttered, followed by, "I don't want you behind me and I'd better not hear any mention of Cobra." The women saw Chuck stand up, go into a brief body spasm, look towards the two of them, and offering a quirked smile and small wave sheepishly turned away.
The two hopped off the counter, their hands intertwining almost immediately strolling towards the exit, oblivious to the rest of the world. Chuck's mind immediately went to Sarah and hoping that she was safe while doing what she had to do to get back here, but soon went to her dressed in lingerie a pitcher of beer in one hand and two Duck Hunt pistols in the other; an elbow to the short ribs brought him out of his happy place as he growled at the short man who paid no attention.
"Sweet. I've never had anybody fight over me before. What am I doing? I can't let them go without their prize."
Chuck shook his head and could only grumble out, "Moron."
The other one adopted the Travelocity Gnome pose and sputtered out, "Well… I think there's going to be a moron sandwich… you're just jealous."
As he stomped off to follow the two women Chuck opened his mouth to try and stop his utterly clueless friend, but just shrugged it off. He looked around the store and with his internal clock he was surprised he hadn't heard the groan he had grown up with. It came shortly after and although a part of him usually felt bad about it, he had thought this one was earned. Although he was slightly puzzled when he swore he heard, "Looks like you're going to have to find your chicken nuggets, McDonald."
Chuck took a step into the walkway and was trying to decide to head outside or to the Nerd Herd counter. Feeling a stronger sense of job responsibility at the moment he headed towards the counter. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a figure cautiously lift the lid off a Beastmaster and flop to the floor wallowing like a Marlin. Tang dusted himself off and put on his overly arrogant face as he moved towards Chuck who was right at the desk with his phone out punching in 9-1-1; figuring he would be contacting an ambulance, the police, or more likely both. Looking at the sight on the floor almost made Chuck lose his lunch; the contented look spread across Lester's face was the straw that broke this particular camel's back and he rushed to the nearest garbage can.
Tang's derisive laughter and subsequent demand that he 'take care of his fellow Nerd Herder'. His laughter quickly died as Chuck pounced over, snarled at the smaller man as he exhaled into his face. "As the want to be Assistant Manager of this insane asylum I think it is due time to prove you can do something, even though dialing a number may be beyond your limited capabilities." Chuck added defiantly.
Tang huffed and tried to puff himself up with the perpetual supply of hot air he created. Chuck couldn't tell if he was hyperventilating or trying to decide what to say. Hearing crying and the calling of his name from outside, Chuck chose to check and see what damage had been done to the person who claimed to be his hetero-life partner.
"Where do you think you are going?" Tang added with a little more swagger, "If you walk out that door, just keep on walking, slacker!"
Chuck couldn't help but laugh. He stopped and turned trying to determine if he had heard what he thought he had. Seeing Tang's presence change from haughty to pensive let him know all he needed, "Fine, I'll put up a round of Mystery Crisper that you call me to make sure I'll show up for my next scheduled shift… Jackass."
The immediate response of "You're on loser!" was the second to last thing he heard before leaving the Buy More. The last was, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Stepping out he could immediately locate the source of the whimpering and found him in his self-named protective position.
"I'm probably going to regret this, what happened?"
"They did tag team me… each swept out a leg then pivoted and delivered a thrust kick to my man parts. Why?"
Chuck took a deep breath, looked down, shook his head before taking another breath and pulling out his phone. He stopped as he saw Big Mike amble over, "What's the situation, Chuck?"
"Well, your Assistant Manager just fired me and not wanting to be accused of trespassing I am going to head home. You need to call an ambulance for him." Chuck pointed his head to the bearded green glob on the ground before heading home hoping Sarah would be online tonight.
A/N: Disturbing… this story pushed the extremes of seriousness and utter lunacy. "I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning". I did add in a few more movie and a television quote if anybody cares.
I added the backstory for Amy for a few reasons: it provides some depth to her character and also some of the misogynistic tendencies that are prevalent in the intelligence agencies in this AU. One other reason is to give the Killer Pimp a more positive spin as in the fanfic I have read (and written) he is rarely viewed in that light at all. I did change this to be primarily her point of view which marks a major difference than what I would have put in the base story. As always I welcome reviews, suggestions, or feedback in general. Thanks for reading.