A/N: This has been on my mind for a long time. Makes me laugh whenever I think about it. When I do it in public, everyone thinks I'm nuts.
"Kai Leng? That slippery bastard's still alive?" Miranda questioned, her tone indicating agitation and annoyance.
"Well..." Commander John Shepard said, trailing off as he rubbed the back of his neck, before looking at her on the QEC "Not exactly..."
Flashback: Citadel Presidium, Two days earlier, C-SEC Cruiser
"Son of a bitch" Shepard thought, as the Cerberus assassin landed on the roof of his car "That asshole stabbed Thane."
Glancing at Garrus and EDI, he was about to pull out his pistol before something caught his eye and made him grin like a madman.
"Uhh...Shepard? In case you didn't notice, there's a guy with a sword standing on our car" Garrus informed him, tapping him on the shoulder for good measure.
Beginning to manipulate the controls, Shepard shut off the safety features of their current ride...especially the one that stopped the car from getting too close to buildings while at a high rate of speed.
"Yep. I got him Garrus, don't you worry about it" he replied, finally finishing with the bypasses.
By now, the Cerberus hitman had a look of confusion on his face. Everything in the dossier he had pointed that Shepard would start shooting at him, which is why he had a skycar following them, but he was just sitting here playing with the controls.
Just how cool was John Shepard when the council was in danger?
"Maybe I should just let the council die. I mean, I saved them from Saren, they didn't believe in Reapers. Stopped the Collectors, they didn't believe in Reapers. Now that the Reapers are knocking on their door, they scream their little heads off for help...Nah. Cerberus is a bunch of goobers, Miranda, Jacob, Kelly, Ken, Gabby, and those others excluded, but TIM is an idiot" Shepard thought, his mind rapidly becoming filled with Cerberus hate instead of council hate.
I mean, the council was dense, but Cerberus was just a bunch of Reaper augmented bullies.
Finally seeing what he needed to finish his plan, he quickly put the car into a climb, but it wasn't steep enough to knock the assassin from his standing position, he merely wobbled a little and continued to look down at Shepard, a small smirk on his face.
"Shepard, at our current rate of climb, we'll collide with-" EDI trailed off before Shepard shushed her.
"Dang EDI, just sit back and enjoy the show" he said, Garrus finally catching on a letting loose a bark of laughter.
To be fair, the entire idea had really come from Garrus, during a conversation about something he had always wanted to do when he was still part of C-SEC back in the days before Saren and the Geth.
A dark chuckle echoed through the car as they continued to climb, and finally the assassin turned, to see what Garrus was pointing at behind him, and instantly his eyes widened exponentially, his mind whirring through any combination of moves that would allow him to escape, but drew up blank in the split second he had.
Right before he was smashed into one of the many covered bridges dotting the Presidium Ring.
A dull thud was heard from inside as his body smacked into the solid structure, and another thud as he hit the rear of the car, bouncing off before plummeting into the fountain below with a colossal splash.
"That was for Thane, you son of a bitch" Shepard muttered darkly.
"That's gotta hurt" Garrus quipped, a dry chuckle rolling from his mouth "Let's make sure he's dead."
"I'd be happy to" Shepard replied, slowing the car down, pulling a 180 and descending towards the artificial lake.
"Killing him has probably made our fight against Cerberus exponentially easier" EDI stated, looking at Shepard.
Twenty minutes later, C-SEC HQ
"God damn Shepard. Saved the council once again. You're getting pretty good at that" Bailey laughed, as Shepard smiled before Bailey continued "It's too bad we couldn't get that Cerberus hitman though."
" I've got something that you might enjoy then" he stated, going back to the door and opening it, allowing Garrus to saunter in, carrying a large, black body bag.
"Shepard...what's all this?" Bailey asked, confusion lacing his tone as he stood and walked around his desk.
Garrus dropped the bag roughly on the ground, maybe kicking it once or twice...and then pulling out a Carnifex and shooting the bag...six times.
"A little overkill" Shepard commented dryly, but Garrus just shrugged.
Pulling down the zipper, Shepard marveled at the blunt force trauma caused by hitting a bridge at high speed and trying to stop it with your face.
"Holy hell" Bailey breathed, getting a good look at the uniform he was in "It's him...and you really messed up his face."
"Bridges will do that to you" Garrus commented, causing Shepard to laugh.
"Looks like we can call off the search teams. They aren't really needed anymore" Bailey stated dryly going back to his desk and punching in a few buttons on his computer.
"I think we saved them a ton of work" Shepard mused to his friend.
"Saved them at least forty six forms" Garrus replied "And yes, I can list all the forms needed."
Looking at the Turian incredulously, Garrus sighed and said "C-1645, A-2234, ZDF-8214, OOS-0127. Need I go on?"
"Uhh...no. I get the picture" Shepard said, looking surprised.
"Well, that's it. The teams are called off. Thanks for the help Shepard" Bailey informed them, training their attention back to him "I've also called a few officers to come and...take care of this."
"Thanks for all the help Bailey" Shepard said, shaking the C-SEC man's hand, letting Garrus follow suit "Let's get out of here."
Present Time, Spectre Office
Miranda suppressed a snort of laughter from the story she had just been told.
"So you basically just let him get acquainted with a bridge?" she asked.
"That's about the half of it" Shepard replied "At least it's one less Cerberus lackey we need to deal with."
"That we do. Anyways, I found information on my sister. My father is involved, somehow" she said, becoming agitated once again.
"You'll figure it out. You always do. Stay safe" he stated, looking at her warmly.
"No promises" Miranda replied, before her voice turned soft "But I'll try."
The QEC fizzled as the connection was cut between the two, causing John Shepard to sigh, before walking out of the office.