The Things I Wish I Had Said


I had never considered myself social so to say. I enjoyed the quiet hidden nooks of the library where the only conversations had were those between me and the books. I loved learning, finding and formulating answers, observing but not doing; I spent the majority of life behind the unexpected twists of a novel. That was the most exciting I got. It was comfortable in that world of mine, where to have a good time, all you needed was a good book, some tea, and an extra couple of hours.

I were to be extremely precise, I guess it was the beginning of middle school that my world's population officially dwindled down to one. Me. I devoted more time to textbooks and less with my friends, more effort went to researching than it did in what I bought to wear. I made it my ambition to strive for greatness, knowing that including other people meant getting hurt and hurting them because they were my competition.

My allies were the fictional characters of my books and together we tackled the obstacles around us with one goal in mind.

Ouran Academy.

I'd heard about it all my life, because, as per usual, it was my destiny to go there in tradition of my legacy family members. Like all other aspects of my life I'd had no interest in this predestined plan from my parents and elderly grandmother. It wasn't until my first official tour of the school that I became entranced with my future there.

Of course the school itself was beautiful, but nothing in my wildest imagination had ever conjured up a sight as the second floor library at Ouran. Beautiful floor to ceiling bookshelves, plush chairs, and a hugeness that promised silence and solitude. It was the perfect place for me to study, read, and to be quite frank it was where I knew I'd feel alive. I pictured myself there basking in the ecstasy of like-mindedness.

Oh, how wrong one naive person could be. My first day began with potential but by study period was crushed into a fine powder like that of silt in the bottom of a furious river. Despite my ideal notions, the library was full of people, males and females alike, gossiping behind manicured hands. Hushed squeals as they hugged between the shelves echoed ever so slightly. You meandered around the cliques, smiling hellos to those who made eye contact.

"It's futile," you heard a voice say behind you, "Stupid rich people, I can't study." They were clearly speaking to themselves but you made eye contact anyway and began into polite conversation.

"Is it always so busy?" You asked the girl quietly.

She gave you a small smile, "At the beginning of the year, always. Give it a week or two and they'll find clubs to join instead."

I held my hand to her with a smile, "I'm Ava."

"Haruhi," she gave you a small smile in return, "If you're really looking for peace I'd try one of the club rooms. They don't open until next week so they're empty."

I gave her my thanks and a quick compliment on her attire, the male assigned uniform, before exiting the library.

I left the rest of my expectations of the first day behind the gentle click of the doors.

If I'd known that leaving my dream sanctuary meant I'd never return the same I doubt I would have had the courage to leave at all. I suppose that some things really do turn out to be for the better, though.

"Avaaa-" my name was drawn out by the twins, almost ghostly, from behind you. If I hadn't become so accustomed to the shenanigans and outlandish host club it might have startled me more. They each took a graceful seat on the arm rests of my chair. "You've been hiding from us, Ava." Kaoru said almost singsong.

"It makes us sad when you're mean to us." Hikaru finished up by leaning close, the ever constant mirror with Kaoru.

I rolled my eyes, gently closing the cover of my book. "I've been studying."

"For a whole week?" Hikaru asked.

"Why would you want to do that?"

I looked up at Kaoru to answer, "Because I made a very good grade on my exam today because of it. How did you two do?"

They raised their eyes from mine to look at each other. "So if you've finished studying-"

"Why are you still hiding?"

The two leaned back in, the ever dramatic duo, humming for an answer.

"To read," I reopened the novel and pointedly gave them each a look before turning my attention away. I learned early on that members of the club were particularly difficult to deter and the best course of action was typically to ignore them and continue on. It worked well for Haruhi, so I'd assimilated my friend's defense into my own.

A heartbeat passed and the twins slinked away with a few more remarks urging me to return this afternoon or they'd come looking. A smile played on my lips as I situated back into my chair, feet dangling over the arm rest.

"There she goes again-"

"Reading that lame teen romance."

I shrieked, my book sliding feet away into the bookshelves. "Kaoru, Hikaru! Don't scare me like that." I put a hand to my chest picking up my novel and stuffing it into my bag. "You have to stop sneaking around, it's not funny in here."

Hikaru smiled devilishly, "In here, you say-"

"Then we'll have to take you out there insead." Kaoru's arm intertwined with mine precisely the same as Hikaru's.

You laughed softly at the two pulling away. "Come on, you'll be late."

It was just like that, my world had expanded to envelop new friends, and a new chapter had begun with high school. It was different from middle school, it was vibrant and exhilarating watching yourself indulge in the people I had watched from afar, to let people into your world and to be met equally within theirs.