Ready or Not
A/N: Hey guys so I got another one shot idea while I was watching the Jay robbery episode "Fourty-Caliber Bread Crumb". I was hoping they would get into the looks that Erin kept giving Jay and the mini confrontation that went down with Hank. So we can have a Linstead relationship talk, but no dice so hear is how I wanted that fantasy scene to go down. Disclaimer I do not own any part of Chicago PD, nor do I have any rights to the actors, oh I mean characters that will be in this story.
Summary: Inspired by the looks Erin was giving Jay and Hank's first and second "talk" from 3x17. All Erin wanted to do was comfort her boyfriend after the week he was having, but the last thing either expected was to get into a fight about… well them as a them.
Once leaving the precinct Jay took his time getting back to his apartment, the thought of being alone there with only his own thought as company was not appealing to Jay at all. For the past few days the only thing that kept Jay out of his own head was the need to find the people responsible for his friend, Terry's, death.
Now Jay was doing everything he could not to have another break down in the middle of the road.
Deciding that the silence was not helping Jay flipped on the radio hoping it would get him in a better mood.
If I die young
Bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me the river at dawn-
Jay quickly turned the radio back off muttering to himself, "God damn country".
Jay stood in front of his door for close to five minutes just staring at it. He was tempted to just get back into his car and head over to Erin's, but stopped himself before he could give into the impulse. The last thing he wanted to do was drag Erin into his mess when she still had her own shit she was dealing with.
With his mind made up Jay moved to unlock his door, but paused when he saw a shadow of movement coming from inside. Reaching for the .45 piece he keeps tucked into the back of his jeans, Jay continued to move calmly to unlock the door with his gun firmly in one hand.
As Jay walked into his apartment there were no immediate signs of an intruder, however, before he could inspect the rest of the area there was a movement from the side of his eye. Quickly turning Jay raised his gun ready to fire only to be met with his girlfriends raised eyebrow.
"Shit Erin! I could have shot you!" Jay shouted as he lowered his weapon and made his way back toward the door to close it.
"I can see that, I guess you were a little worked up you didn't notice my boots near the door" Erin commented as she pointed at her signature shoes near him.
Jay looked down and true to her word her shoes were in fact near the door entrance. "Yeah, I guess I am", sighing Jay rubbed his face with the hand not currently holding the weapon and made his way to the couch.
Erin watched as the weight of the past week press down on her boyfriend's shoulder like a bolder on an ant. She could feel him drowning with no fight left in him to stay afloat anymore. The only thing she could do was make her way over to him.
"Hey" Erin said in voice barely above a whisper as she sat beside him, gently taking the gun out of his hands and placing it on the side table before using her hands as a replacement for him to clutch.
"It feels like I'm back in Afghanistan" Jay said not to her face rather it was like he was saying them to himself as his eyes were focused hard on their intertwined hands.
Erin didn't know what to say so she stayed silent giving him the chance to collect his thoughts.
"I know I'm not, but…" Jay paused struggling to finish his sentence, feeling as if he was being taken out of his body and into one of the hundreds of buried memories he forced down once he got back into the States.
'Keep moving their on us!'
'Torres! Stay with the group! TORRES!'
"Jay! Jay!" a voice was shouting
Jay's vision started to clear and instead of the blank dead eyes of his friend it morphed into the concerned hazel eyes of his partner. During his zone out she must have moved closer to him, he could feel her hands now on his face and she was sitting on his lap straddling him. Not taking his eyes off of hers Jay wrapped his arms around Erin's waist bring her so close that the only thing separating them is their clothes.
Strangely enough neither felt that their position was sexual, sensual yes, not in the way were clothes would be taken off in a mad rush for friction but that it was more.
"I was putting pressure on his wound and telling him to hold on. That he would get to see his wife and baby if he would just hold just a little longer for me, that I could get him back to them if he just held on" as Jay said this he was unclear of who was the "he" that he was talking about. At this point it didn't matter if it was Terry or one of the many men he spoke those word to they all blended together in the end.
Erin leaned her forehead against his never letting them break eye contact with each other, "You're here, not in a forsaken dessert with hate filled eyes watching your every move, but with family. Mouse, Atwater, and Ruzek the playful younger brothers with no luck in the women department. Dawson the hot headed older brother trying to keep the rest of you in line. Olinsky the straggly anti-tech uncle always spouting off the most random advises. Hank the authoritative father that rarely shows he cares, but when he does he is quick to cover it with a smack on the back of your head when you get to mouthy."
Jay listened to her describe their unit in some familial role that he agreed indeed seems to fit their personalities, but he also noticed that she did not include herself. So he asked, "What about you?"
"Of course I am, I'm your partner, it's kind of a given" Erin said as well as indicating to their current position.
Jay let out a sigh thinking back to the first talk he had with Voight when he questioned him about his relationship with Brianna. It upset him that his boss would think that, but not as much as it upset him when he noticed the looks that Erin was shooting him when Brianna's husband said she was having an affair with someone.
"You can't even say it can you?" Jay questioned as he moved her hands off his face.
"Can't say what?" Erin replied in confusion as Jay moved her body off his and stood up from the couch.
"You can't say what you are to me without deflecting to partner." Jay said getting a little upset.
"Whoa! Deflecting? How am I deflecting, you are my partner in more ways than one! The only person deflecting right now is you!" Erin yelled, 'how the hell did this conversation turn into a "them" talk.'
Jay didn't say anything at the moment and just started pacing because some part of him was deflecting, not a big part, but some part. Yet it made him realize that they have never truly had a talk. Sure there was the one where they became an official couple at Molly's, but that was it most of their emotional conversations have been done silently with no words exchanged just looks. To be fair Jay never had a problem with that they didn't need to have some mushy talk, that's just not who they are and everything was fine. It wasn't until he was sitting across Brianna and she invited him to dinner that he realized outside of the Chicago PD, fire, and med groups along with family no one knew about him and Erin. Again they are not type of people to have their business out there so it shouldn't be a problem, but it is.
Erin watched him pace for a few minutes before she gave up on this conversation continuing, "You know what? You seem to be in a mood right now, so I'm just gonna go"
Erin made her way to the door and started putting on her boots only to be stopped by Jay's voice.
"I was wrong"
Erin paused her movements and turned to look over her shoulder to look at her boyfriend who stopped pacing and was looking right back at her.
"I was wrong about you not being able to say what you are to me and deflecting to partner." Jay paused and started to make his way over to Erin, who at this point turned to fully face him, and didn't stop until he had her backed up against the door before he continued speaking.
"You can't say it, because you don't know"
Erin scoffed at that opening her mouth to say something at that ridiculous thought of course she knew, but Jay continued before she could.
"No, Erin you don't. It's not fair of me to blame you for that when I haven't told you."
"Jay, I don't need you to tell me what I already know" Erin said quickly before he could interrupt her again.
"If that's true than you and Voight would never got it in your heads that I would have anything going on with Brianna. Don't deny it I saw the looks you were giving me when you met her and when we questioned her husband and that's on me baby" Jay said as his hand mimicked the move she did earlier and cupped her face between them.
Erin froze at that not knowing that noticed the looks at all, 'Fuck she didn't want to seem as some insecure girlfriend that gets jealous every time some hot women pushes her plastic boobs in his face'. Yeah, okay that didn't sound jealous at all.
"Don't get into your head Erin, like I said it's on me. We barely need words when we talk anymore that sometimes I forget that some things need to be said not implied" Jay paused for a second takin in a deep breath "I love how passionate you get when watching a game you practically bounce in your seat as if you are ready to be tagged in. I love when you get crinkle in your nose when you take that first sip of coffee. I love the loyalty you have to Bunny even when she doesn't deserve it. I love that even when you are wearing just a t-shirt, jeans, and boots you are still the only women in the room I see…I love you."
Erin's breath hitched as she listened to him confess those three dangerous words that would signal the end of them. Now that those words were out there is no chance that they could still have a friendship, hell a partnership, if- no when things do not work out. This is what she did not want, she knew he loved her all she had to do was see it in the way he would not give up on her after they lost Nadia and she relapsed, he was never the problem.
'You left a string of broken hearts behind you since you were 15, I need Halstead 100% effective and not throwing pebbles at your window at 3 in the morning'
Though at the time she didn't like that Hank was trying to control everything she did part of her knew that he was right. She would break Jay just like she did to the men in nearly all of her relationships when they would get to close.
Erin pulled her face away from Jay and walked around him back towards the living room to give herself a little breathing space, "Take it back, Jay."
"Take what back?" Jay replied looking at her knowing the second those words were out his mouth that he was going to have to fight just to keep her from self-sabotaging, it's one of the reasons he never said it he knew she would get spooked.
"You know what! So take it back Jay!" Erin yelled beginning to become agitated and began pacing when she could no longer stay still.
"I can't do that, baby" Jay whispered back and started to calmly walk towards her.
"Yes, you can Jay. Just do that for me, for us, and we ca pretend that it was never said" Erin pleaded as she was backing away from him.
"This isn't a game, baby. We don't get redo and I don't want one. I love you" Jay said still calmly walking towards her.
"Stop saying that!"
"No, I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
Erin felt her back hit the wall behind her and he just kept walking towards her, it was like she was an animal trapped and she had to get out.
"You know you were wrong earlier" Erin said no longer yelling just in a calm detached voice.
"Hmm, what was I wrong about?" Jay said smirking at her.
"About everything, that I was doubting you that I didn't know how you felt about me. Please, Jay you wore your heart on your sleeves, your eyes always following me like a little puppy it was sad. So I threw the eager puppy a bone. The thing about puppies, it that they never leave your side no matter how much you no longer need them. So no puppy I didn't doubt you, I felt relief that I had a way out because I don't love you" Erin said watching as his smirk left his face and slowly closed her so she would not have to see another heart get broken because of her.
Only for them to pop open again when she felt his hands on her face, his thumbs were whipping away the tears she didn't even notice were falling from her eyes. She looked into his eyes and instead of the anger she expected she saw warmth.
"Even when you think you don't deserve it, I will love you for the both of us because I do. I love you Erin Lindsey" Jay whispered as he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Erin could fell the fight leave her body. She wrapped her arms around his waist closing her eyes as she whispered, "I love you too" and felt his hands gripped her face tighter in acknowledgement.
A/N: I hope I was able to mend the broken Linstead hearts that, well I broke, with the ending. Trust me it killed me to have to write most of the ending up to the little section so much that is took me two says just to type it up. However, before you throw rocks at me and curse my handle name with all I know of Erin's back story I didn't feel right to have her say the words without Jay having to fight down her defensives. So rate, comment, review.
P.s. Title from the Fugees song. The line that Hank said to Erin came from came from Season 1 episode 5. I wrote a little humor two shot on that conversation if you guy wanna check it out.