458Anything familiar belongs to JE. I'm just playing all mistakes are mine.
My name is Stephanie Plum and last week my mother told me that I was probably one of the luckiest people in the world. The problem with my luck, she told me, is that it wasn't often good. This statement was made over Sunday dinner in front of a full house and it led to a full on debate as to whether or not bad luck could be considered lucky or if I was just plain unlucky. I didn't feel unlucky. In fact most days I figured everything was pretty good; all things considered. I lived in an apartment that didn't cost me a fortune to keep, I had a landlord who was understanding about the rent being sometimes late, a job that was never dull, friends who kept my life interesting and a love life that was too complicated to be boring. So, all things considered, I sided with my mother: I was lucky and thought my sister Valerie was wrong. It was a sentiment that put a smile on my face for a whole three and a half days.
That is, of course, until I found myself alone in a candy factory with my sometimes partner, Lula and a man who might've inhaled too much sugar. After he tossed Lula's gun into a vat of what could be nougat, he scaled a ladder and stood on a metal platform threatening to jump into an enormous vat of liquefied sugar. It was as he began stripping down that I decided my mother needed to lay off of the Wild Turkey during family dinners; there was no way this could be considered lucky.
"Mr. Dip, I'm sorry, but you missed your court date; it won't take us very long to get you re-bonded but you do have to come with me." I said.
"Don't think a candy coating is gonna protect you if she has to shoot you." Lula said, "And don't even begin to think I'm gonna come in and save your ass when you realize you can't swim in corn syrup."
She had a fair point, I wasn't going to jump in either; my hair would never be the same again.
I felt bad for the guy. His name was Louie Dip, he was short (only five foot two), and he was originally arrested after he got into a fight with his manager. The manager ended it by dumping a ladle full of green food dye on Louie's blonde hair. After several washes and still having green hair, Dip went to a hair dresser to get it fixed. Unfortunately, trying to dye it out only turned his hair a brighter neon green, and now it had the texture of a Brillo pad. When Dip went back to the factory to demand an apology and compensation, it got ugly and ended in a food coloring battle, that resulted in both men sporting bizarre tie-dyed complexions. Both men were fired from their jobs and charged with assault and destruction of property.
Then, during their bail hearing, after Dip had been granted bail, the manager decided that he would shout, in open court, that Dip was going to pay. He then threatened to duct tape Dip to a chair so he could watch as his house was burned down with all his pets inside. The manager was currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation and Dip's lawyers were working to get the charges against Dip dropped, since he had only acted in self defense.
"If you just explained to the judge why you missed your court date, it would convince him to be lenient." I said. The day Dip was supposed to appear in court happened to coincide with the bail hearing of a local celebrity who had been charged with a DUI. There had been press lined up at the court house and Dip had been afraid they would put his picture in the paper and he would never get laid again.
When I went to pick him up I found a note on the door telling me to come back tomorrow. By then he'd have found the solution and being funky coloured wouldn't matter anymore. He understood that he was still this colour because he was only half human and that if he embraced his true heritage he would be famous. I didn't know what the hell that meant at the time and I didn't really care. What I did know was that the capture money from Dip would mean I could eat this month.
"I can't tell him why! Are you crazy? They'd lock me up in the nut house!" Dip shouted.
"It's true. They would lock him up in the nut house." Lula said, looking at me.
"Maybe he needs to be," I said out of the corner of my mouth, "He thinks jumping into that vat will give him super powers."
"Hey, he could get one of those sugar highs, like a real big one. Sometimes when people are whacked out on other stuff they get super strong." Lula said. This was true, but personally I thought it was more likely that if he didn't drown, he'd go into a diabetic fit.
"Look, what if we were to take you to a doctor before we took you in? He could give you a note to give your lawyer; your lawyer can show it to the judge; it would be extenuating circumstances." I said. Dip paused to consider it, tilting his head like a rainbow-colored pug.
"I guess that would be okay. Do you think it would work?"
"Sure it will, and if the doctor can't figure out how to get it off of your skin, after your court date, we'll come right back here and you can try the candy coating route." I said.
"I just can't go out in public again, I've taken a thousand showers and it won't come off. Mr. Happy is green!" he wailed.
I winced, under normal circumstances I wouldn't want to think about his Mr. Happy. A green Mr. Happy did even less for me.
"See!?" He shouted, pointing an accusatory finger at me. He looked like some sort of psychedelic cherub, standing there in his tighty-whities, socks hiked up to his knobby knees, his hair, bright green, fried and sticking up like he'd made out with a light socket. "No girl is going to let me stick my wiener in her fun box if it's green!"
"Maybe if you didn't call it a fun box." Lula said, "And 'Mr. Happy' and 'weiner' aren't that sexy either. Your problem isn't that Mr. Happy is green, it's that you need to work on your vocabulary." Again, Lula had a valid point. Apparently Dip and his Mr. Happy agreed because he was getting ready to climb over the railing to jump in the candy.
"Wait!" I shouted, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice, "Tell you what, I'll call my mom, she's a housewife from the Burg. If anyone knows how to get that off of your skin, it's her." Dip paused to consider that and nodded slowly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed my mom.
"How do you get food coloring out of skin?" I asked when she answered.
"What kind of food coloring is it?" My mom asked, "The liquid stuff or the gel stuff?"
"I don't know; it's the stuff used in candy."
"Have you tried canola oil?" she asked.
"It's not for me." I said. I put my hand over the phone, "Mum says to try canola oil. Have you tired that?"
"I've tried everything!" He wailed, "Why do you think my hair looks like this?" Dip turned his head; it looked worse from the back. The frizz had matted and he looked like a mangy green tabby who needed shaving. Note to self, canola oil in the hair isn't such a good idea.
"It didn't work." I told my mother. I held my finger up to get him to wait while mom and grandma compared notes.
"Your grandmother says you need to make a paste out of baking soda, rub it all over your hands and then rinse in vinegar and repeat until the food coloring is gone." Mom said, but she'd taken too long for Dip because he was wailing again. He hooked his thumbs into his jokey shorts and Lula and I both yelled for him to wait.
"You don't wanna do that!" I yelled.
"Why not?!"
"Because superheroes always keep they underwear on. They show you by wearing it on the outside of their super suits. Look at Superman and Batman." Lula said.
"Stephanie, what's going on?" My mother asked.
"Nothing, are you sure it'll work?"
"I don't know, I've never tried it, but your grandma says baking soda and vinegar is used for everything so it's worth a try." Again she took too long to answer for Louie's liking.
"See, not even she knows what to do!" Dip shouted, "No, it should have worked, I told you. I'm meant to be candy, this is my calling, it's my superpower!" he was getting closer to the edge of the vat and I hung up on my mother.
"No, it's not! Listen, she's got another idea."
"It won't work. Nothing works. I'm meant to be a gummy bear."
Really? That's the kind of candy he wanted to be? Talk about low self-esteem. If I were going to turn myself into a candy, I'd want to be something awesome like a giant jawbreaker, multilayered, indestructible, full of color.
"Keep him talking. I'll see if I can climb up and tackle him from behind." I said to Lula and looked desperately around for something to help.
"Don't come up here." He said, "I'm going to do it!"
"Wait, if you're going to turn yourself into a super hero gummy bear, I'd like to see that, only I need to pee really bad. Think you could wait until I get back?" I said.
He paused, "Yeah, I guess I could wait, I mean I need more than one witness so people don't thinks she's nutso." Dip said.
"Hey, you know in my former profession I probably knew a lot of women who would let you put a green willie into her fun box." Lula said, distracting him as I backed away.
"What profession was that?" he asked.
"I used to be a ho." She called back, "As a ho, we see all kinds of junk but a green thing? Well that's special, I know girls who would probably give a freebie just to test drive that."
"You think?" He looked down at his underwear.
"Oh yeah." she said. Nodding emphatically. Dip pulled the elastic waistband of his underwear out and peeked inside.
"Even though it's small?" He sounded doubtful.
"Hey, you have a green thing, you know who else has one? The Hulk. It'll be like one of them optical illusion things. They gonna think it should be on the Hulk, nobody is going to notice if it's a teeny weeny." Lula said. She and Dip kept along this line of conversation and I made my exit.
I snuck towards the back of the platform but Dip had pulled up the access ladder, the only way I was getting up there was if I was Spiderman. I said a quick prayer that Lula could keep him talking and went into the next room.
The room was filled with giant packaging machines for the candy. The packaging was all on huge tubes that looked like giant roles of colorful cardboard toilet paper. On the floor behind the machine was a refrigerator sized box filled with the empty rolls. These weren't flimsy cardboard rolls like inside paper towel; these were strong, industrial strength cardboard that I'm pretty sure could probably support a house. The only other things in the room were unpackaged candy, a big CO2 fire extinguisher and small hand tools.
A few weeks ago I had the flu and as a result I spent far too many hours lying on my couch, staring miserably at the television, specifically at the Discovery Chanel as they did a week long Mythbusters marathon. You know how at the beginning of Mythbusters they always tell you not to try things at home? Well I said a quiet apology to Adam and Jamie and ignored that warning. I'd seen them build enough air canons that I was pretty sure I had the basics down and if I didn't, at least there were plastic shower caps in this room so I could protect my hair in the event that I had to swim in goo to fish Dip out.
I took one of the long tubes and lugged it over to the big fire extinguisher on wheels. I ran to a wall of tools and found a roll of duct tape, used some left over packaging, flexicuffs and the duct tape to secure the nozzle of the fire extinguisher to the big assed tube. I looked around the room, saw nothing that could work as an effective projectile and decided my best bet was my tank top. I took my hair out of my pony tail, pulled the t-shirt off, rolled it up tight so it would fit in the tube, secured it with my hair elastic and stuffed it in. I grabbed a lab coat from a hook on the wall to hide my bra and shoved a shower cap into my pocket, just in case. (I may have snagged a loose peanut butter cup or five while I was at it, you know, for courage). Then I wheeled the whole contraption out to the candy production floor.
"No, I think she'd think that was freaky." Lula was saying, hands planted on her hips. I paused, part of me was curious, but it was a very small part and I was pretty sure I didn't want to know.
"But I thought you paid them to do that?" Dip said, scratching his head.
"You want something too freaky and they gonna think you're a serial killer." Lula said.
Yup. I was right. I really, really didn't want to know.
"Not if I'm a gummy bear." he said, "Your friend is taking too long. Probably the transformation will take a while, so it'll be like missing the previews at a movie." He climbed up onto the first rung of the railing and I pulled the pin on my fire extinguisher, aimed and pulled the lever.
For a long second there was nothing and then there was a loud PHUMPH and the t-shirt went hurtling out of the make shift t-shirt canon right towards Dip. I didn't see if I hit him because at that moment I violently remembered why the Mythbusters always secure their canons before they fired them. The t-shirt left the canon going one way and I was knocked backwards into a row of shelves knocking a freshly open, ten pound sack of powdered sugar all over me.
I waved the cloud of sugar away coughing and spluttering, wondering what it would do to my septum and if sugar calories counted if they were inhaled and not ingested. When the cloud cleared I saw Lula staring wide eyed at the platform. I hadn't heard a splash but my heart was in my throat, wondering if he'd jumped. I struggled to my feet, rushed to Lula and looked up. Louie Dip was on the correct side of the railing, curled up in the fetal position, not making any noise.
"You hit him right in the Junior Mints." Lula said.
"Great but how do we get him down now?" I said. We looked around and found another ladder next to another machine. Together we dragged it over to the ledge of the platform. Once we had it in place, I climbed up the platform and managed to get Dip onto his feet. He painfully moved down the ladder.
Half way down, still trying to be bent double, Dip lost his footing. Lula held out her arms as if she could catch him and he landed squarely on top of her. They both hit the ground with a woof and one of them farted. Which one it was I don't know, because they both looked a little sheepish and said, "sorry." I hauled them both back to their feet and together we helped the hobbling Mr. Dip out to the parking lot.
As soon as we hit daylight, there was a chorus of clicks as an army of police officers drew their weapons on us. Lula threw her hands up in the air. Dip had been leaning more heavily on Lula, (probably because he was really not liking the idea of touching the woman who labeled him in his Mr Happy with a high velocity t-shirt) and he dropped like a sack of sand. I rolled my eyes and hauled him back up to his feet.
"Hold your fire." Eddie Gazzera shouted when he realized it was me and the guns were holstered as men exchanged their weapons for their wallets and money changed hands. My guess was that they were betting on first of all, it was me in there, if I had Lula, and if I would be clean when I came out. Someone hit the jackpot because he was happily taking people's money. I'd be offended, but I probably would be in on the betting if I could be.
"Well at least I'm saved a trip to the police station." I said. Gazzera motioned and two uniforms came rushing forward to relieve me of Dip. Gazzera folded his arms across his chest and shook his head.
"Do I want to know?" He asked.
"I think he's going to need the hospital. He took a t-shirt fired from a canon to his Sweedish Berries and thinks he's meant to be a Gummy Bear." I said. Eddie grinned wide.
"You took him out with a t-shirt canon?"
"He was going to jump into a vat of liquid candy." I said defensively, "I had to improvise and make an air canon. I thought it better to hit him with my t-shirt than with a bunch of unpackaged hard candies."
"Yeah, that would have been like firing shrapnel." Eddie said, "Congratulations, that's a new one; nobody will get any money off of your weapon of choice."
"You should give the money to me then. That'll just keep me creative and I can profit off of the insanity that is my life."
"I'll float the idea." Eddie said, he gave me a pat on the back. He looked at his now sugar coated hand and wiped it on his pants, "Nice work. From what I gather it was rather sticky in there." The pun was bad, the compliment sincere. It threw me a bit.
"Did you hit your head or something? Normally you just laugh at me." He grinned wider.
"Nah, we'd have used a bean bag gun under the same circumstances. The t-shirt canon was a nice improve. Did the job."
I shook my head in disbelief, producing a small cloud of sugar that made me sneeze. Eddie rolled his eyes and turned away, talking into the radio mic on his shoulder.
I looked around and predictably Lula was nowhere to be seen. I checked my jeans pocket and found my car keys still inside. Good deal, unless she had learned to hotwire a car, (which wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility) it would mean I wouldn't have to hitch a ride because she'd freaked and bolted. I scanned the lot and saw a disgruntled looking Lula sitting in the front seat of my Range Rover, arms folded, scowl in tact. Yup, she was pissed because she couldn't find my keys. I let out a sigh, shook more sugar out of my hair and trudged through the rapidly emptying parking lot to my car.
The Range Rover was far from new but I liked it. It was white, remarkably rust free and according to Lenny from Lenny's used cars, was built in 1989, but only had 20,000 miles on it. Now I have a lot of experience with buying used cars; I had a strong suspicion that the odometer had been rolled back. I may not have bought his story, but I bought the car anyway. It was a bank account friendly $500 and I didn't really have much room to be picky. The luck thing had come into play two days after when I chugged into the lot of the Bonds Office to find Ranger there with one of his men. The man in question happened to be Rangeman Securities resident grease Monkey and he declared the car a classic. I ended up playing ride along with Ranger that day while my car sat in the lot under Rangeman getting it's engine rebuilt. It now ran like it was brand new and I no longer needed to keep a battery in the trunk in case I needed to give it a boost.
I reached the big white Range Rover and climbed into the driver's seat. Another cloud of sugar filled the air and I wondered if it was going to be stuck in my 80's velour upholstery forever.
"I wonder if I can afford to have this thing detailed later?" I said.
"I don't know what you're complaining about. You didn't lose your favorite gun." Lula grumbled.
My favorite gun was a water gun filled with tequila, and I didn't get too attached to those. Lula on the other hand loved her gun, it was a Jersey thing and not because she had any real talent with the weapon. Lula couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
"I'm going to have to vacuum my hair before I can shower or I'll look like the Gummy Bear." I said.
"Where the hell am I gonna get another gun like that? I paid a lotta good money for that gun."
"You bought it at a garage sale for ten bucks. You spend more on lunch everyday." I said.
"Well it was one of them antique style guns, it could have been worth lots. I was thinking of taking it on Antiques Roadshow."
"Do you want me to drive you back so you can fish through the nougat for it?"
"Well it won't be worth anything now that it's full of goo." Lula said.
I sighed, "Are you coming to the hospital with me or do you want me to take you to your car?" I asked.
"I gotta go get a new gun." Lula said. She was still sulking when I dropped her off at the Bonds Office and I headed back towards the hospital.
The hospital was a zoo when I got there and the harassed looking triage nurse didn't know me so wouldn't let me go back. I hung around for twenty minutes until another nurse recognized me and took me back to Eddie.
The curtain was drawn around Dip's exam area and when we went through it, I saw why. Dip was completely naked except for a wash cloth covering his man parts. He was completely sedated and drooling into his pillow while two nurses were using an array of different cleansers in an attempt to get the food coloring off of him.
"I don't understand it; it's like trying to scrub off a tattoo." One of the nurses said when I came in.
"My mom said to try a paste of baking soda with a vinegar rinse." I suggested.
"Thanks. We'll try that. I've even tried nail polish remover and it's not doing anything." she said.
Eddie, grateful for an excuse to leave the airspace he was sharing with a drugged up, rainbow colored, naked guy, motioned for me to go to the other side of the curtain. "Come on, we'll go to the cafeteria and I'll take your statement."
When we got to the cafeteria, neither of us were willing to take a chance on the cafeteria food so we stuck to the weak, stale, wannabe coffee. I gave him my version of things and he told me why there had been an army waiting for us when we came out.
"We had no real idea you were in there and I don't want to be there when they tell Morelli." Eddie said, "He's going to be torn between pissed that we all drew on you and chugging a gallon of Maalox."
"How's Joe doing?" I asked.
"He needs a vacation and probably a trip to a gastroenterologist." Eddie said. "He's pulling another triple shift."
"Yikes." I said.
"Yeah. He said if I saw you to get you to let Bob out."
"Sure." I said.
I took my paperwork and checked my watch. It was almost seven, the Bonds Office would be closed, which meant I couldn't get paid tonight. That was a problem because I fed the last of my Cheerios to my hamster Rex this morning and if I wanted to eat I was going to have to mooch from mom and dad.
I walked out to the parking lot and stared at my car. It was up on blocks, the doors were missing, the stereo was gone and the remaining windows were smashed. Now I know that most people would be pissed about this. I wasn't, I assumed it was karma for nailing a guy in the M&Ms with my t-shirt. Also, it was my car, this shit happened all the time. I didn't feel like explaining it to anyone so I took a picture, sent it as a text and waited. It took two seconds for it to send. It took another two minutes for me to write an email to my insurance agent and send him the picture. By the time I hit send on that, my phone rang.
"I need a ride." I said by way of answering.
"Be there in five." Ranger said.
Ten minutes later a flat bed, followed by Ranger's sleek, black 911 Turbo pulled into the lot. Ranger angled out of the car and walked over to me.
"What's in your hair?" he asked.
"Icing sugar." I said with a sigh, "Do you have a tarp or would you rather I rode in the truck?"
He raised an eyebrow at me.
"I can't get in the Turbo! You always turn the seat warmers on for me and I'm afraid I might caramelize."
"I can turn them off." He said, his lips twitching.
"You might inhale sugar and pollute the temple." I said.
"You're afraid of me." He said, grinning now. Of course I was afraid of Ranger, anybody sane was afraid of Ranger. His real name was Ricardo Carlos Manoso, he was ex-special forces, my mentor, friend and a major complication in my life. He dressed in black and the rest of him came in varying shades of brown, his hair was dark brown, his skin was the colour of caramel and his eyes were deep pools of the darkest chocolate. I've seen all of him on occasion and it was enough to cause more than one sleepless night.
The memories were good for when my sex life was lacking and at this moment in time, it was lacking big time. Why was he a complication then, when the way he was looking at me with what could only be described as carnal amusement? He was a complication because of one Joe Morelli, my on again, off again, sometimes fiancé. Joe and I weren't on at that point but we weren't off either. I didn't know where I was with Joe.
Joe was leaner than Ranger, sort of domesticated, all Italian and had a tongue like a lizard. He was movie star handsome and once upon a time had been the one to relieve me of my virginity behind the eclair case at the Tasty Pastry. I later ran him over with my dad's Buick and didn't see him again until I started working for my Cousin Vinnie and he was my first FTA. He was innocent and reinstated as a Detective with the Trenton Police Department. Our paths continued to cross and we even tried to live together once. It didn't work.
Now we took turns sleeping over in each other's beds and I had part custody of his dog Bob. I was in love with both Joe and Bob, but I couldn't commit because I was also madly in love with Ranger and Ranger was anti commitment. Lately however, Joe and I hadn't been speaking much. He was working late and undercover a lot and when he wasn't, I was working. We couldn't seem to make our schedules mesh. It had been months since we hit the sheets and the way Ranger was looking at me was all too tempting.
"I'm not afraid of you." I lied, "I'm worried about what sugar will do to you. You're system isn't used to it like mine is."
He ran his thumb over my bottom lip and my brain checked out and my doo-dah took over and I moved closer. He kissed me, his tongue grazed my lower lip. "Sweet." he said against my mouth. He stepped back, smiling.
"So you aren't worried about sugar then." I said stupidly.
"Get in the car." He said, "I'll get it detailed. Where to?"
"I said I'd let Bob out, but after that I guess you'd better take me to my parents' house."
"I don't like you driving the Buick. It's too hard to be covert in it, everybody knows it's you." he said.
"I know, but it's what's available and besides, I want to mooch leftovers off of my parents." I said.
Ranger got into the car and waited for me to get in beside him. I shook my hair out again, the sugar was slowly leaving it and the cloud wasn't as big as it had been before. That was a plus, the downside was that some of it was dissolving on my scalp and I was feeling a bit like a glazed ham. I sighed and got in next to Ranger.
"When did you get back?" I asked. Ranger had a habit of disappearing. At first he just sort of left, now he usually told me when he was going. Sometimes he told me his phone would be on if I needed him, other times he told me to call his second in command, Tank. I rarely knew when he would turn up again.
"Twenty minutes ago." He said, "I was just getting ready to leave Boston when Tank called and said there was a hostage situation at Seewald's Candy Factory and your trackers placed both you and your car there."
I guess it was sort of true. The owner of the factory called to tell me that Dip was there and he was acting crazy. When I got there Dip recognized me, went ape shit and threatened some people with a knife. Lula tried to shoot him, that's how her gun wound up in the nougat and the owner of the factory used the distraction to get everyone out. Dip was still holding the knife when they evacuated and l wasn't carrying a gun so I figure that's why Mr. Seewald thought we were being held hostage. I told Ranger the story and he was smiling by the time I was finished. This was the sort of thing that gave Morelli heartburn and made my mother wonder why she had a daughter who ends up in these sort of situations. The people Ranger went after we're always scary and when they went crazy it usually meant casualties, so my crazy assed skips were his favorite source of entertainment.
"He wasn't worth much, but it's enough to buy groceries and pay my insurance deductible, if they are still willing to insure me." I said.
"I'll add you to my fleet insurance if you're not; you contract for me enough." he said and put the car in park in front of Joe's house. "How long has he been on assignment?" Ranger asked.
"I don't think he is." I said, "Eddie said he was working a triple shift."
"He's not been living in the house for at least a week." Ranger said as he switched off the ignition. Normally he didn't get out of the car if I was going to Joe's, but his values wouldn't allow him to sit in the car while I went into a dark empty house. I used my key to let us inside and braced for impact as I heard Bob come barrelling down the stairs. Bob was probably a retriever of some kind but I'm pretty sure he was also part wookie. He was big and yellow and dumb as a post. He dropped his but when he saw Ranger, but his forward momentum was too much, his back end slid out from under him, he flipped onto his back and skidded to a stop in front of us. He flopped around like a fish for a few seconds as he tried to right himself, then with a loud woof he gave up and stayed on his back, his tail wagging like crazy and his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth.
"Vicious." Ranger said.
I rubbed Bob's belly and then helped him roll over. He turned around and whined a bunch of times so I jogged through the house and opened the back door for him before he did something on the floor that I didn't want to clean up. Bob bolted into the back yard and proceeded to yack up what looked like one of Joe's socks. He paced the back yard a few times and hunkered down, probably to pass the other sock. I left him to it and went into the kitchen to put some dog crunchies into his dish and filled up his water. The mail was sorted and lined up on the counter with a note from Joe's mom saying she stocked up his fridge for him when she dropped Bob off.
"You're right, he has been gone for a while." I said. I wasn't even really that annoyed, like I said, it had been a while and our relationship status was uncertain. Ranger did a walk through of the house to make sure everything was secure and came back down to the kitchen. "That dog has an eating disorder." Ranger said.
"What did he eat?" I asked.
"The bathtub." Ranger said. I went upstairs to the lone bathroom. Ranger wasn't exaggerating. Bob had chewed through the side of the fibreglass bathtub and a bunch of the laminate tub surround.
"Oh boy." I said. Ten minutes later, a broom, a dustpan and a big black garbage bag later, Ranger and I had the mess cleaned up as best we could and Bob was contentedly snoring in the middle of Joe's bed. Job accomplished and then some, Ranger and I went back out to the car. I flopped into the seat and my stomach growled.
"I hate to use you like a taxi service, but would you mind taking me to my parents place now?" Truthfully I had no desire to go there tonight. Especially after today, I was in no mood for a lecture.
"I'm all yours, Babe." Ranger said. I smiled at him, and settled into the seat and closed my eyes. I woke up as we were pulling into the garage at Rangeman.
"This isn't my parent's house."
"You're exhausted; Ella will cook us something while you use my shower. I'll take you to your parents' tomorrow when you have your mojo back." He said.
"This is why I love you." I said without thinking and froze. I really hadn't meant to say that out loud. Ranger just smiled and switched off the car.
The elevator opened before Ranger even opened the car door. I was used to his good mojo but even this was unusually good timing for him. Out of the elevator stepped one of Ranger's Merry Men, but calling him a man was an exaggeration. He was a few shades lighter than Ranger, wearing traditional Rangeman black, but unlike most of Ranger's men, he wasn't packing. Probably because he couldn't have been more than fourteen. The kid looked sullen as he stood there holding the door. Ranger sighed and got out of the Porsche.
I thought I was the only one who could get a reaction like that out of Ranger. Curious I hurried out of the car. The kid looked at me and smiled as his eyes did a once over of me. Now sure I still looked a bit like a doughnut and it was probably pretty funny, but I'm pretty sure his smile had more to do with the fact that all I was wearing were jeans, a bra and a lab coat. The coat was securely buttoned but my cleavage was still pretty impressive in it thanks to my Victoria's Secret super sexy push up bra.
Ranger glared at him, the kid blanched and swallowed hard. "This is Miss Plum," Ranger said and the kid immediately looked everywhere but at me. As far as Ranger's men were concerned I was Ranger's personal property and only one or two of them were actually brave enough to speak to me. I wasn't wild about the terminology but it was handy because it meant that word had gotten out to seedier sections of town and for the most part people backed off. My cars were still fair game but only the really crazy and desperate dared to come after me now. Ranger tossed the Porsche keys to the kid, "Detail it." The kid stared mutinously at Ranger for half a second, realized that was pretty stupid and hurried to the car.
I followed Ranger into the elevator and he punched the buttons for five and seven. The doors closed and the elevator gently lurched upwards.
"Who's that?" I asked, "You're not usually scary with your men unless they've done something to piss you off."
"He's my nephew, Carlos." Ranger said, "He was busted for being stupid and I pulled some strings. The judge said he could work for me, or he could do five years in juvie. So he's cleaning cars and doing whatever non essential shit jobs I can find for him until he's proven that he's not an idiot and can be trusted with something important."
"That's nice of you." I said.
"Self preservation. You think your grandmother's scary, you haven't met mine." he said.
I laughed as the elevator doors binged open, Ranger looked like he was thinking about smiling and got out to check in with the office. The doors closed again and I went upstairs to his apartment.
I fobbed my way in through the front door and felt all of the tension of the day begin to leave my shoulders. Ranger's place was done in rich neutrals, that were warm and welcoming. It was free of clutter, there were no personal touches except for the flowers his house keeper put on the table in the front hall. I tossed my keys into the dish next vase, which today wasn't a vase of flowers but a small, glossy brown flower pot with a stunning white orchid blooming in it.
I toed off my shoes and walked through the apartment into his bedroom and looked longingly at the bed. I knew it was home to the most delicious sheets ever created, the most comfortable mattress on the planet, and later would contain one of the sexiest men in the universe. I tore myself away from contemplating the bed and wandered through his closet to his bathroom.
I peeled off my clothes and tossed them into the hamper and opened the drawer in the vanity that contained all of my toiletries, including a hair dryer. I stayed here from time to time when my apartment wasn't safe. Ranger's housekeeper kept a drawer of things stocked for my use in case I had to hide from stalkers or my place had been firebombed again. I found my hair dryer, plugged it in and went into the walk-in shower. I set the dryer to cold and blasted my hair with the hair dryer until most of the sugar was gone. I took the hair dryer out of the shower and put it on the counter so I didn't electrocute myself and then set the shower to boil.
I stood under the spray for a long time, allowing the day to be rinsed off of me, before using half a bottle of shampoo to get ride of the stickiness in my hair. I conditioned and then opened Ranger's Bvlgari Green body wash and took a big sniff. I put some of it on a wash cloth and lathered it up. I felt the air pressure change and then a hand, much larger and much darker than mine, took control of the wash cloth.
Ranger's hands were slow and caressed as they glided over my body. My heart was pounding and I found myself holding my breath as I melted into him. He had abandoned the wash cloth and his fingers were stroking my belly, making me shiver, despite the heat of the shower spray. He turned me in his arms, his lips grazed mine as he said, "Breathe, Babe."
Then he kissed me.