Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Zero, Fate Stay Night, Carnival Phantasm and their characters. I also do not own any shows quoted in this fic, or any show at all.
At the London Clock Tower, a blond man in blue overcoat was frantically rearranging all the books and furnitures of his office while a lady with red hair watched her nails.
"Sola dear, could you help me move this drawer?" The man asked struggling to move the drawer.
"Go ask your Iskander for help, Kayneth!" the woman replied irritably.
"Oh dear, are you still mad that I will be summoning Alexander and not Diarmuid?" Kayneth asked.
"If I were I wouldn't be giving you my mana to summon your favourite king for this stupid death tournament."
"Come on Sola-Ui! Don't be that way! Sure Diarmuid would be a powerful servant but I need the absolute best to win the Holy Grail War."
"So you are saying you can't win this on your own?" Sola-Ui asked with a smirk.
"Don't be ridiculous dear, all the other masters are orientals except for the German who is not even Human. Except for Tohsaka, Matou and Einzbern there will be no mage of noted lineage participating. I, Lord Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald of the Clock Tower will win this hands down. It's just science."
"And racism," Kayneth's fiancée muttered.
"Anyway," Kayneth ignored his fiancée's remarks, "Once the relic arrives I will start the summoning process and then," Kayneth grinned rubbing his palms together in anticipation, "No one will stop us from wishing upon the Holy Grail."
Sola-Ui laughed nervously at the sight, 'With that pointy noise he looks so much like a goblin,' Then she sighed, 'Why did father have to betroth me with this fool?'
"Lord El-Melloi! Lord El-Melloi!" A deliveryman entered.
"I have been expecting-" Archibald's grin turned to frown seeing the man empty-handed, "Where is the relic?"
"It wa-s st-ol-en, Lo-rd El-Me-lloi," The man stuttered.
"Stolen? STOLEN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY STOLEN?" Kayneth asked.
"Some-one took it... my Lord," The man replied.
Kayneth stood still for a while before exploding, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!"
The outrage left Kayneth huffing for a while, even as the deliveryman and Sola-Ui watched him.
"Leave. Before I skewer you." The man ran for his life.
"So now do we summon Diarmuid?" Sola-Ui asked.
"Yes, yes we do," Kayneth affirmed, but as the words left his mouth, Kayneth could not shake the weariness in his gut.
After the summoning, there stood before the couple a young knight in black armour and spiky black hair pulled backwards save for a long curly bang between his eyes. The knight had two lances in his hands, he knelt before them and asked, "I am the servant Lancer, I ask are you-" Diarmuid's monologue was interrupted by Sola grabbing his hand.
"Well hello there handsome," She said smitten by the handsome knight.
And that's when Kayneth remembered... "THE CURSED LOVE-SPOT!" Kayneth said pointing at Diarmuid's charmed spot below his left eye.
"A THOUSAND APOLOGIES MASTER! I DID NOT KNOW YOUR FIANCEE WAS HERE!" Diarmuid apologized.
"Don't be silly! You had no way of knowing I was here," Sola-Ui giggled.
"Of course he didn't..." Kayneth grit as he watched his beloved Sola flirt with an embarrassed Diarmuid.
'Whoever stole Alexander the Great from me, know that you will pay with more than your life,' Kayneth swore.
In Fuyuki City, at a clearing close to the Mackenzie resident, Waver Velvet, a young British man with slick black hair and green eyes drew runes on the ground with chicken blood.
"Fill, fill, fill, fill and fill," the boy muttered before sighing, "Alright, now I have to summon Alexander the Great, win the death battle against other mages and servants and then everyone at the Clock Tower will respect me, even that racist Archibald," the boy told himself before starting the ritual.
Soon the clearing was lit with a momentary flash and a huge dark man with red beard and hair appeared riding a chariot run by two oxen.
"I AM ISKANDER! THE KING OF CONQUERORS! AND THIS IS MO! AND THIS IS MO! AND TOGETHER THEY ARE MOMO!" Alexander said and his oxen mooed as lightning flashed dramatically.
Waver gaped in disbelief, "What the heck?"
Meanwhile, in the catacombs of the Fuyuki City Church, a priest was performing the pagan summoning ritual under the instructions of a man in red coat while an elder priest watched over them.
Soon from the circle a pitch black man with a bone white mask appeared, then a black woman with same mask appeared, then another man, then another, then another, then another.
"What's happening?" The elder priest shouted as the room began getting crowded.
Soon the room was filled with a hundred pitch black people crushing the priests and the bearded man against the door.
"Oh Lord! Please forgive our sinful souls. We will never perform pagan rituals in a church ever again!" The elder priest prayed for forgiveness.
"Amen!" They chorused.
'CREAK!' The door creaked before breaking, pushing the three men outside the room and leaving them gasping for air.
"Praise the Lord!" The three men said together.
One of the black men exit the room before bowing to the younger priest, "We are the servant Assassin. We ask, are you our master?"
"All of you?" The younger priest asked.
"Yes, all of us," Assassin affirmed, "We ask again, are you our Master?"
"Yes, I am Kotomine Kirei, this is my father Kotomine Risei and this is my mentor Tohsaka Tokiomi," The younger priest said.
And of course the Assassins were not amused when Kirei told them they would be minions for Tokiomi's future Servant, but they kept their calm... by sulking in the shadows...
Just after Assassin's summoning the three men rushed to the basement of the Tohsaka mansion to summon Tokiomi's servant. After this summoning, Tohsaka Tokiomi was ecstatic when he saw his servant, a man with golden hair spiked upwards and covered golden armour. He had large golden earrings and a demeanour that radiated arrogance. His red eyes looked at Tokiomi as though he was the master and not Tokiomi.
"Yes! I have summoned Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes," Tokiomi said turning to his student Kirei, "We have won!"
"It would appear so," Kirei nodded expressionlessly.
"Not so fast!" Gilgamesh said, "Before I allow you my services as the Archer, you must prove yourself worthy," Tokiomi turned to the King of Heroes confused who smirked at the mage, "You must let me have your bride's virginity."
Tokiomi and Kirei were quite shocked at the demand, "But my King," Tokiomi said controlling his rage keeping in mind Archer's overwhelming noble phantasm and his need to win the Holy Grail War, "My wife is no more a virgin."
"Hmmm... then I shall have your wife's virginity," The arrogant king told the priest.
"My wife is dead," Kirei told the King of Uruk stoically, neither enraged nor humoured."
"This is quite the dilemma... very well then," Gilgamesh said turning towards the head of the Tohsaka family, who felt his heart clench for his Aoi's sake, "I shall judge you by the quality of your wine."
Tokiomi was taken aback by the King's sudden change of mood, Gilgamesh continued, "Pray it is to my liking or else it shall be your head."
"Yes my king," Tokiomi rushed not noticing his student's smirk but Gilgamesh did, himself quite amused by the events.
"You were only trying to rile him up weren't you?" Kirei asked, Gilgamesh neither confirmed nor denied the charge.
"I do hope he is always this amusing," Gilgamesh said, "For his own sake."
Meanwhile, in a German village, at the Einzbern church, at the alter a stoic man with black spiky hair and black suit was performing the ritual while his snow fairy like wife in white gown with golden trimmings watched over him, silently praying they got King Arthur. The prayer was answered by a gust of wind... but not the way they expected.
When the white haired lady opened her red eyes, she did not see a tall and bulky knight in shining armour or a king in ceremonial robes and a golden crown with expensive jewels.
What they saw was a young girl, merrily eating home made Soga noodles. The girl in question was blonde and fair, she wore white shirt and long blue skirt giving her an appearance of an English county girl. She seemed too small to be knight and too young to be a king or a queen.
The girl paused eating, when she noticed them. She glanced between the stoic man and his wife, analysing the situation with her poison green eyes before slurping in rest of the noodles. Then she stood up and with a gust of wind she changed into regal blue dress with sliver armour and gauntlets, her expression stern like a warrior.
"I am the servant Saber! I ask, which one of you is my master?" Saber said.
"No way, this can't be King Arthur," The man said trying to keep himself expressionless.
"It is I, King Arturia Pendragon of the Round Table," Saber affirmed.
"But you're a girl," Iris pointed out the obvious, "You cannot be a king."
"Dragons do not have gender," Arturia quoted the Game of Thrones.
"This is worse than expected," The man sighed which miffed Arturia.
"You should check my stats before writing me off..." Arturia said, and when the man checked her stats it was very impressive but some of the things he read just didn't make sense.
'What the heck is a Meatcalibur? And why does she have a maid outfit?' the man groaned internally.
"You have yet to answer, which one of you is my master?"
The man lifted his right hand to show a crucifix style sword tattoo, "I am Kiritsugu Emiya and this is my wife Irisviel von Einzbern, she will pretend to be your master."
'I must deal with the dork then,' Arturia sighed only on the inside, "Then it is settled," Saber raised her invisible sword, "From this day forth your fate is intertwined with my sword. From this day I am your sword. I shall protect you from all harm and vanquish all who may stand in our path to victory. This pact shall stand till the day we are victorious or I breathe my last breath, whichever comes first."
Kiritsugu and Irisviel looked in awe as the first specks of sunlight reflected off the girl making her appear like an angel of war. For the first time in many years Kiritsugu felt optimistic that they could, no would win the war. Irisviel felt their shared hope for peace closer still. This moment seemed frozen like a beautiful painting to be drawn in by the beholder.
But of course it had to be ruined when Saber switched back to her county girl attire, "For now let us head for breakfast, for a war cannot be won on an empty stomach." Kiritsugu and Irisviel sighed as Saber left the alter in search of the kitchen. Kiritsugu sat on a bench and sulked about.
"So the King of Knights is a little girl? Who would have thought?" Iris jested to lighten the mood.
"This is completely unexpected. But..." Kiritsugu rose up from his seat his eyes burning with passion despite his stoic face, "Even with this setback, we must utilize Saber as effectively as possible to win the Holy Grail War FOR WORLD PEACE!" By the end of the speech Kiritsugu made the general peace sign as Iris could see an imaginary peace emblem floating above him.
"Hopefully, the other masters summoned even crazier warriors," Irisviel von Einzbern sighed.
Meanwhile in Fuyuki City, a serial killer and a crazy mage were making artwork out of dead bodies of the children they had kidnapped.
"This is awesome Bluebeard, can you show me even more awesome ways to kill?" The serial killer, a young man with red hair asked the mage with sickening eagerness.
"Of course my young master! I cannot deny such eagerness in an artistic endeavour," The mage with eyes set like a fish smiled, "I, Giles de Rais shall show you all the cool of killing in the coming days master Uryuu."
"This is gonna be awesome!" said the psychopath named Uryuu Ryuunosuke.
Author's Note: And that leaves Berserker for the next chapter... you'll see why. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please review.