141A/N: Sup everyone! Wow, it's been a while. I'm really sorry about the delay but I wasn't sure how I'd even top the previous chapter? Eventually, I decided to go ahead with this, it may not match the previous one but I hope that you'll enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fate Stay Night, Fate Zero, Carnival Phantasm or any other Fate franchise.
Lancer's Trial by Combat for Love
While the Miyama River bustled with activity, a certain building under-construction was empty for obvious reasons… till a black Mercedes slammed through the main gate. It screeched to a stop right in front of the building sending the Knights of the Round Table flying out of the door.
"We should seriously get a limo or something," Sir Kay said while fixing his armour.
"This is good enough," Saber said.
"Aye, this spot will do just as well as any," Diarmuid agreed arriving with Saber Lion at his side, a short yellow sword on one side of his hip and a long red one on the other side which caught a lot of attention.
'Did he always have swords?' Many wondered.
"Are you sure you want to continue?" Mordred asked, "Thirteen Heroic Spirits is too much even if you fight us one on one."
"Do not question my honour. I will go through hundreds and thousands of you for Saber Lion," Diarmuid replied.
"Is that so? I'll enjoy ripping this guy apart," Mordred said with a wide grin and even wider eyes filled with bloodlust.
"Gao…" Saber Lion whimpered, glancing between her lover and her teammates. Irisviel was also tense, she felt out of place in the given scenario.
"Sir Gareth, kindly do the honours," Saber ordered.
Gareth stepped forward and unsheathed her sword, "I will not fail my brother," she swore to herself.
Diarmuid drew his spears, prepared to strike at any moment.
"En Garde!" Saber said.
The Heroic Spirits rushed at each other at breakneck speeds, and though Gareth fought valiantly, dodging and striking as her instincts guided her, Diarmuid eventually got the better of her when he disarmed her by striking her arm and followed up by striking her abdomen with the butt of his longer spear. The attack sent the lady knight tumbling towards the wall of the unconstructed building but Gawain caught her, preventing her crash.
"Gareth, are you alright?" Gawain asked.
"I failed. I failed my big brother," Gareth mumbled in shock as tears fell from her unblinking eyes.
Impressed by Gareth' skills, Diarmuid was about to compliment her, "My lady-"
"HOW DARE YOU HURT MY LITTLE SISTER?" Gawain charged at Diarmuid, swiping Galatine furiously at the Irish Hero. Diarmuid, caught off guard, was barely keeping up, dodging and parrying the knight's fierce blows with his spears.
"DIE!" Gawain yelled and slashed Diarmuid's chest with all his might.
Diarmuid smirked as the sword on the left side of his hip glowed, leaving a gash on his armour but none on his chest. He hit Gawain's sword hand with Gae Buidhe hard, forcing Gwaine to drop the sword, and brought Gae Daerg close to his neck.
"What the hell?" Gawain cursed, he was sure that blow would be enough to slay Diarmuid yet no blood was drawn.
"Yield!" Lancer ordered. Gawain stayed stubborn for a moment but conceded defeat when Diarmuid pressed his spear to the knight's neck and drew a trickle of blood.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT BIG BROTHER?" Gaheris yelled as he leaped at Diarmuid with his sword raised intent on hacking the Irish hero to pieces, only to be stopped dead midair by Diarmuid's fist to his face.
"Sir Gawain cut through his armour, didn't he?" Percival asked Galahad.
"I thought so too," Galahad agreed.
"Maybe he didn't cut deep enough else the boar would be bleeding," Mordred ridiculed, "Why anyone thought he'd be a better choice than I is- OW!"
"Respect your fellow knights," Arturia growled.
"Mama…" The Knight of Betrayal whined as she clutched her head.
Arturia ignored her daughter's whining in favour of calling the next contestant, "Sir Bors!"
Bors flew at Diarmuid with a flying kick towards Diarmuid's nether region.
"OOMPH!" But instead found Lancer's foot in contact with his.
"AAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sir Bors howled in agony, stepping back while clutching his family jewels. He fell on his knees and asked, "How did you know that I was going for your balls?"
"She said 'balls,' didn't she?" Diarmuid asked in confusion.
Bors raised his thumb in approval, said "Nice one!" and fainted.
"That idiot!" Saber cursed Bors, "Sir Kay, you are next!"
"I thought this was voluntary," Kay complained.
"All the knights have lent their swords to protect Saber Lion's virtue, despite my insistence that only I duel him, it'd be dishonourable of you to reject," Saber chastised her foster brother.
"Fine, I get it! No need to go all chivalry on me," Kay agreed to duel Lancer grudgingly.
Kay stepped forward and tripped.
"Ow! Ow! My ankle! Oh! The pain!" Kay screamed as loud as he could and clutched his ankle as hard as he could.
"What did you even trip on?" Lancer asked skeptically.
"But of course! I'd be kicking your arse if it weren't for my ankle!" Kay boasted limping away.
"My E-ranked luck must be smiling upon me," Diarmuid quipped.
"Not for long," Saber said, "Sir Tristan, your turn."
Tristan stepped forward more somber than usual. He held his bow and bowstrings tight, as if ready to strike at any given moment.
'Ser Tristan, the best archer among the Knights of the Round Table, his swordsmanship was said to rival that of Ser Lancelot himself,' Diarmuid recalled the Arthurian legend, 'This could be the honorable fight I have been waiting for,' he dared to hope with a hand on Moralltach while the other held Gae Daerg.
Tristan raised his bow up in the air, got on his knees, bowed his head and yelled, "I YIELD TO THE POWER OF LOVE!"
'Perhaps not,' Lancer sighed.
"Where is your honour, Sir Tristan? Have you no shame?" Arturia rebuked the Knight of Leonis.
"Indeed, those with no honour are trash but those with no love in their hearts are worse than trash," The Knight of Love replied.
"Just shut up and fight him!"
"Why don't you understand the hearts of men?" Tristan asked.
"Indeed, the King is not Human," Agravaine said with an inhuman grin.
"Argh! Fine! Sir Galahad, you're next," Saber said.
Galahad stepped forward, holding his famed shield in one hand and a sword in another.
Diarmuid rushed at Galahad, poised to thrust Gae Buidhe at him, Galahad raised his shield to block the yellow spear, just as Lancer hoped he would. Lancer waited till the very last moment till he drew Moralltach and stabbed through the shield, putting his sword at the young knight's throat and ending the duel.
"Of course! Moralltach and Beagalltach!" Arturia finally recognized the swords, "The sword that leaves no blow unfinished upon first trial and the sword of healing. It is said that the boar may not have slain Diarmuid had he taken his swords with him."
"That's just broken," Sir Kay remarked.
"My King, please allow me to duel him fur Blancfleur," Percival requested.
"Sir Percival, I do not doubt your valour or skills, but with all four noble phantasms together Lancer has an undeniable advantage over you," Arturia denied Percival's request as politely as she could, "I must duel him on my own."
"So now it's optional?" Kay quipped.
"No it's my turn now," Mordred insisted.
"You're no match for him," Arturia said.
"Then you're not either, after all, I killed you at the-OW!"
"Don't make shit up!" Saber said.
"But Papa…" Mordred cried.
"Your Excellence, please reconsider," Bedivere pleaded, "Surely we can weaken him if not defeat him before your turn."
"Yes, I too must try my Hard Hands on him," Agravaine grinned like a shark.
"First of all, way too creepy," Arturia told Agravaine, "Secondly Bedivere, if you or any other knight wishes to try your luck next you are welcome but I'm going now and that's final."
"So we finally clash?" Lancer said, twirling his spears before taking a stance.
Saber unsheathed Excalibur in response.
The two warriors stared each other down, held their weapons steady and waited for just the slightest sign of a distraction to make their move. The first to look away could die.
"Stop right there!"
They both looked up and so did everyone else to find Kayneth and Sola-Ui with a bound Maiya on top of the building.
"Master! What are you doing here?" Diarmuid asked.
"Putting the mercenary in the guise of a magus in his place," Kayneth gloated, "Magus Killer! I know you are here! Lurking in the shadows! Aiming at my arse!"
'Can you blame me? Your crippled arse is covering my real target,' Kiritsugu thought as he tried aiming for Sola-Ui's head from his position.
"If you care for your wench then use your command seals to kill your servant and hand over the rest of them to me," Lord El-Melloi demanded, "Or else…" Kayneth brought Maiya close to the edge of the roof with one of his crutches.
"Do it!" Irisviel urged the El-Melloi, "Kiri does not care about that whore; he only cares about world peace!"
"We'll see how expendable this whore is," Kayneth said, "Magus Killer! You have only until the count of three before this pretty face hits the ground."
"Just do it," Maiya said, "Master Emiya wouldn't give up to the likes of you even if you threatened that ditzy albino and her brat."
"One."
"Don't be ridiculous," Irisviel retorted, "He needs me to activate the Holy Grail to fulfil his wish for world peace. You're the expendable spare here."
"Two."
"Forgive me Maiya," Kritsugu said as he took aim at Kayneth's arse, hoping to pierce it and Sola-Ui's heart with a high calibre bullet which would also hit Maiya, "But I must sacrifice you for world peace," and fired.
"Thre-Argh! Kuchhfh!" Kayneth grunted as the bullet hit his arse, fortunately for him, he had the foresight to cover his arse with some reinforced bulletproof material, "He shot me! He actually shot me!" He screamed in disbelief, clutching his crutches tight.
"I'll be damned; you are expendable to him," Sola-Ui said, "That man has no heart."
"Indeed, Master Emiya is even less human than the king," Agravaine agreed.
"And yet you both still love him?" Sola-Ui asked.
"Yes!" Maiya and Irisviel answered simultaneously.
"Preposterous!" Kayneth said.
"I know right?" Sir Kay said, "It's like they're brainwashed or something."
'The best waifus a man could ask for,' Kiritsugu counted his blessings with joyous tears streaming down his cheeks.
"What about your servants?" Kayneth asked Irisviel, "Surely the Knights of the Round Table are too noble to let a damsel in distress fall to her peril, aren't they?"
"Though Maiya's plight is regrettable, Lion's honour is of far more importance," Saber answered.
"I-I-I've got nothing else," Kayneth sighed, "I guess we'll just let the duel continue and hope that Lancer defeats Saber."
"A brilliant idea," Sola-Ui smirked.
"It is?" Kayneth asked
"Yes, but there's one correction, Lancer will not defeat Saber, he will defeat Saber Lion," Sola-Ui's smirk grew as devious as a snarling fox.
"Lady Sola-Ui?" Lancer asked his Master, confused.
"Lancer! By the power of my command seal, I command you to kill Saber Lion!" Sola-Ui ordered, her command seal glowing as green as her envy.
"NO!" Lancer cried out, resisting even as his arms turned his weapons towards Saber Lion.
"Hey! Stop this at once!" Irisviel demanded and sent several wires at the Irish mage. Sola-Ui responded by throwing Maiya down at her. Irisviel turned the wires into a net and caught Maiya but that only managed to slow her descent as Maiya crashed into Irisviel knocking her out.
"Do it!" Sola-Ui insisted as the command seal glowed brighter before disappearing, finalizing the command.
In response, the Irish Knight's legs charged towards his lover who was still very confused by what was happening. Saber blocked his path, meeting his weapons with her sword, while her knights covered Saber Lion with their weapons drawn in case Lancer made it past Arturia.
"Lion! Run!" Lancer said.
"Gao!" 'Fight it!'
"I can't! My Magic Resistance isn't high enough!" Lancer said.
"Lion, leave at once!" Saber ordered.
"Gao!" 'No!'
"Lady Sola-Ui! I beg you please take back your command, anything but this!" Diarmuid pled.
Lancer's desperate pleas only enraged Sola-Ui further, "By the power of my command seal, I order you kill Saber Lion!" Her last command seal glowed before disappearing, thus reinforcing the previous command.
And despite Lancer's resistance, his sword pushed Saber away into a cart, his body weaved between the other knights, dashed into Saber Lion and pinned her to the wall with her arms above her head with one hand while the other hand raised Gae Buidhe prepared to strike her.
"Gao! Gao! Gao!" Lion cried and begged her lover to snap out of the command's control while kicking and squirming but she could not free herself from his grip.
"Lion! No!" Saber dashed at Lancer followed by her knights.
"Saber Lion, I love you," Diarmuid said before shifting his grip and stabbing his heart with Gae Buidhe. Saber Lion stared in shock as her lover's body went limp, his blood spilling onto her costume. She managed to snap out of her shock and hold Diarmuid before he could fall.
"Gaaooo! Gaaaaaoooo?" Lion roared, 'You fool! Why would you do something like that?"
Others were equally stunned by Lancer's actions.
"NOOO! This wasn't supposed to happen!" Sola-Ui cried out in pain, nearly leaping off the roof only held back by Kayneth.
Saber stood close to Lion and Diarmuid, watching the scene solemnly while her knights joined her.
"Poor soul, he's dying a virgin," Percival said with tears streaming down his cheek, "Unlike myself of course," he added hastily.
"You know? No one would doubt your lack of virginity if you stopped pointing it out to others," Sir Kay said.
Of all the knights Tristan was the most affected, seeing Lion fret over Diarmuid brought back bad memories, especially of his dying moment when his wife Iseult had lied that his love Iseult was not coming for him. He had forgiven his wife long ago but never forgot what she did. Seeing his king stoic as ever also brought back bitter memories.
Tristan decided to direct all the bitterness within him at Saber and asked her, "This is what you wanted, isn't it? Are you content?"
"Tristan, you're being unfair to Her Majesty," Bedivere scolded Tristan, subtly moving between Tristan and Arturia protectively.
"And the king was being fair?" Tristan rebutted before turning back to Saber, "Making a man duel thirteen knights for the maiden's hand despite the mutual consent from both? Did you think about Lady Lion's feeling? About how she would feel if her lover had fallen by the blade of her fellow knights? Of course not, you were only thinking about ridding yourself of Lancer. Well, I hope you are satisfied. Why? Just why don't you understand the hearts of men?"
"Oh quit being so dramatic! He's got a healing sword!" Arturia pointed out.
A fact which Saber Lion had also noticed and was using Beagalltach to heal Diarmuid's otherwise fatal wound.
Once healed, Lancer shot right up and pushed L "Oi! Get away from me before I- Oh, it seems I have lost the compulsion to kill you."
"Gao!" 'Idiot!' Saber Lion pouted much to Lancer's amusement, "Gao." 'Never do that again.'
"Can't promise that," he replied and turned to Saber, "Well then, would you like to take this somewhere else or should we continue from where we left off?"
"There's no need to continue the duel," Saber said, "Though you are a sorry excuse for a knight and more boar than man, you risked your life for Lion's sake. The genuity of your feelings can no longer be questioned."
"Does that mean…"
"You may wed Saber Lion," Arturia confirmed.
"Gao!" Saber Lion pounced upon Lancer who caught her and twirled her around a few times as the dark night echoed with their laughter. Then they stopped, held each other like they'd never let go, locked in each other's gaze and then they kissed, with unbound passion.
"Oi! You've got to wed her before you bed her," Saber scolded the newly engaged couple only to be accosted by an excited Tristan, "Oi! Let go of me this instance!"
"You finally understand the hearts of men!" Tristan proclaimed as he twirled the squirming king around like a child.
"Indeed, even dragons have heart," Agravain added while the other knights watched the scene with amusement. However, not everyone was happy with this development.
"Congratulations, you both will not die virgin after all," Percival congratulated the couple, "I too had the fortune of not dying a virgin."
"Gao…" "Thanks, I suppose…" Lancer and Saber Lion said together laughing awkwardly.
"No! Lancer's mine, he can't marry another woman, I won't allow it," Sola-Ui raised her hand only to realize that she had no more seals, "No, this can't be it. Lancer is mine and mine alone."
Kayneth grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms "Let it go Sola-Ui, it is over. Even if you had more command seals you couldn't change the fact that he loves Lion, not after he chose her over himself," Kayneth reasoned with his fiancée.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sola-Ui wailed as she hugged Kayneth tight.
'Finally! I now have a true shot at Sola-Ui's heart,' Kayneth rejoiced despite the constant ache in his buttocks, 'now if only a certain someone would quit aiming at my arse.'
Now that he had a good aim at Sola-Ui's head, Kiritsugu was just about to pull the trigger when-
'THWACK!' Merlin smacked Kritsugu's hand with his staff.
"What the hell Merlin?" Kiritsugu cursed the mage.
"Can't let the groom disappear before the wedding," Merlin answered.
'Perfection,' Kayneth sighed in satisfaction.
"Tsk! What a joke!" Kiritsugu scoffed at Merlin's words, "Don't you realize that Lancer and Saber will eventually have to kill one another? How can you be thinking about a marriage?"
"Things work out if one is willing to make them work."
"Hn! I should've summoned- WATCH OUT!"
Everyone took cover just in time to avoid a huge black object that fell from the sky and smashed the ground and covered the entire construction site in a blanket of dust.
"'Cough! Cough!' Who dares to interrupt us?" King Arturia demanded.
In response, a huge black mecha emerged from the cloud of dust and a knight in black armour emerged from its cockpit.
"BERSERKER!" Berserker declared, "It is I, Lancelot!" The mecha translated.
"Berserker Berserker! Ber Ber Berserk serker Berserker Berser Berker!" Sir Lancelot said, which his machine translated as, "Prepare thyself Sir Diarmuid! Though you are noble of heart you must cross blades with me to win Lady Saber Lion's hand."
"I'm sorry Sir Lancelot but you are late. Her Grace has already permitted Sir Diarmuid to wed Lady Saber Lion," Sir Bedivere informed Berserker.
"Berserker…" Berserker grumbled, "Every fucking time…" Then he went back into the cockpit and flew away.
"We should discuss the wedding somewhere else before someone else decides to attack us," Bedivere suggested and everyone agreed.
Lancer looked towards Kayneth who was still consoling a disheartened Sola-Ui.
"You go on with them, I will handle her," Kayneth told Lancer before escorting his fiancée away.
"Thank you, Master," Lancer said.
'VROOM!' Lancer turned around to find the Knights of the Round Table getting into the Mercedes, despite the lack of space.
"Alright, hurry up," Saber ordered from the driver's seat, having knocked out Mordred for attempting to usurp it from her.
"I'll just walk," Lancer said, shivering just from the sight of so many people stuffed together in such a small place.
"Gao," Saber Lion agreed, holding Lancer's hand.
"That's actually not a bad idea," Sir Kay said.
And so Saber and her Knights walked behind the newly engaged couple with smiles on their faces, except for Saber.
"Are you still unsatisfied with the groom?" Bedivere asked.
"No," She answered, "But it feels like we're forgetting something."
"The car?" Sir Kay quipped.
"No, something more important," Saber insisted.
Back at the construction site, Irisviel woke up to find a tied up Maiya lying on top of her, with both of them tangled in wires.
"Ah! What the hell are you doing on top of me?" Irisviel asked, disturbed by their proximity.
"I assure you, this is not by choice," Maiya replied.
"Just get off me you fat cow," Irisviel said while trying to untangle herself from all the wires that had fallen on her.
"I assure you that I'm all muscles except where it matters," Maiya emphasized by pressing her bust against Irisviel's.
"Ah! Who are you trying to impress with those flat and saggy things?" Irisviel pushed back against Maia with her bust.
"They are genuine unlike yours," Maiya pushed back.
"These like my whole body were designed to be superior to old hags such as you," Irisviel pushed back.
'Thud!'
Maiya and Irisviel turned to find Kiritsugu staring at them, his gun on the ground. Seeing Kiritsugu's intense look, Irisviel had a vague déjà vu feeling, a few blinks later she realized that this had happened before.
She said, "No, do not say threesome-"
"BDSM! FOR WORLD PEACE!" Kiritsugu exclaimed as a chained up world peace sign huge enough to cover the construction site appeared over the area, glowing bright pink.
"As you wish Master Emiya," Maiya said.
"Wait! Not here, at least get a room!" Irisviel protested.
"Oooh! Master Emiya is truly fortunate. Perhaps I should disguise myself as Master one of these days and try my luck?" Merlin pondered and snickered at the thought.
'BANG!'
"AH! MASTER EMIYA, PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I MEANT NOTHING UNTOWARDLY, ONLY THAT FORTUNE FAVOURS YOUR VISAGE!"
But Master Emiya was not in a forgiving mood, thus the night came alive with gunshots and Merlin's screams.
A/N: Don't worry guys, Kiri will get his second threesome BDSM style after he puts a few holes in Merlin. About Diarmuid's swords, it looks like I got their description right but not their abilities, oh well, I'm sticking to my version. Again, not as good as the previous chapter but I hope you enjoyed it. I'd also like to thank everyone for helping this fic cross a hundred reviews and two hundred favorites and follows. It might take a few more months before the next update but rest assured, I'm not abandoning this story. Till then see ya!