Hi everyone. Here's another one shot. Picking up just a few days after Mike going to prison and well as the title says.. it's about this one thing Donna and Harvey really need to do. TALK. Pleas.. cause there are so many topics left to discuss on the show, and I really hope they will adres them in the next season. Fingers crossed and in the mean time, here's my version of that. I hope you like it and maybe leave a review? x
He rubs his hand over his face, the lack of sleep from the past few days taking its toll on him now. His eyes flicker to the right, crossing the empty cubicle outside his office. She's still not there, he hasn't seen her since that one night they all met at the empty halls of the fiftieth floor.
Normally he could manage stressful situations, but normally she would be by his side. Normally he would have her, just not completely in the way he wants. He lets out a sigh as he looks back to his desk, his eyes falling on the calendar.
It's been three days.
"We need to do damage control," Louis voice fills the room, "contact every client we ever had. Contact all the staff." Harvey's hand falls down next to him on the leather couch. "Louis, what's the point?" his shoulders hanging low, he feels more defeated than ever. "What's the point? What's the point? We lost everything because of.."
"Me," he sighs, letting his head fall down. He knew this day would come. The day they would blame him for everything that had gone down these past weeks. He just didn't expect it to be this soon. "Harvey," her voice is soft, her hand floating in the air above his shoulder, but she doesn't touch him. He can still feel the warmth radiating from her body, his eyes closing for a second and his lips curl up slightly. She's always there for him. He looks up to his left, his eyes meeting hers for a second as he gives her a small smile, mouthing a 'thank you.'
They try to come up with a plan. Not just about rebuilding the firm, but also about Mike. They're not willing to let that subject go now. "We all need to work on this," his voice is calm, but firm and she closes her eyes. "Harvey, you can't ask her to come back now."
She gets up from the couch and his body adjust slightly because of her movement, his eyes searching for hers, but she's shaking her head. "Her fiancé just went to prison," she throws her hands in the air as if it isn't extremely obvious as to why they can't expect Rachel to be back soon. "Donna," he bites his lip, because deep down he knows she's right. "The firm, we all –"
"No," she cuts him off, her hand running through her hair as she paces through Jessica's office. "You can't," she looks around to the other lawyers, "I won't let you. Neither of you," she pauses looking at Jessica who gives her a small nod.
"I'll look after her," she offers pressing her hands down on her dress. She's not sure how she's going to do what she just promised to do, because if she has to be honest she needs someone to look after her too. "I'm going over there.." she reaches for her coat again, "you have to promise me you won't try to get her back before she's ready to do so."
He swallows, her words seemingly about so much more than just Rachel and he can't help but wonder what the 'before she's ready to do so' means when it comes to them now that she came back to him, but that was different, wasn't it?
"I promise," he nods at her.
He hasn't seen her in three days.
He made a promise, one he fully intended to keep. But he didn't think that would mean he wouldn't see her either. All events of the past few days still haunting him, a million questions running through his mind but there's one thing he's absolutely certain of. He needs to see her.
He lets out a breath as he focuses on the door in front of him. The numbers 407 staring at him, but in a completely different way the 206 had always done. He didn't come here often, or at her place for that matter. But he never came here for her. For Donna.
He rings the doorbell, his gaze on the floor as he hears footsteps near on the other side of the wooden door. It are hers. His eyes automatically lifting at the same time the door swings open, seeing her his breath falters for a moment as if he had forgotten what she looks like, but can one ever forget the beauty of Donna Paulsen.
Her jaw clenches and she swallows, pushing him outside instead of inviting him inside. This is not what he said he'd do. "Harvey, what the hell?" she hisses, knowing Rachel isn't ready at all, "you promised-"
"Yeah.. I promised a lot of things, but Donna.. I."
"You need me?" a hint of disbelief noticeable in her voice, she throws her arms in the air. It's always the same excuse The same three words, over and over again, but not the three words she wants to hear. "I do," he sighs, looking down. His hand brushing through his hair. "Donna we.. We need to talk."
"Talk?" the words leaves her lips in a whisper, she knows what's coming but.. "Harvey I .."
"Tomorrow?" he practically begs her now and she nods, mumbling the same word. "I'll uhm.. I'll come by at your place at seven," he offers her a small smile, turning around before she can change her mind. Before she can call him back and tell him she doesn't want to talk.
Her mouth still agape as she sees him walk away. "Talk.. we need to talk," she repeats the words in her head, he was never the one who wanted to talk. It would have been a refreshing change if it wasn't for all the subjects they ignored these past months. The big ones, the ones that really matter.
She turns around, still a bit in shock as she realizes she's now got twenty four hours to figure out what on earth she's going to say to him. What she expects him to say and if she even expects him to show up.
It's Saturday and for the first time in a long time finds herself at her own place and not Rachel's and for the first time in a long time she has to confront all those feelings she put on hold. It also means she hasn't been able to sleep in a while and with all these feelings and unresolved issues occupying her mind she didn't sleep much last night either.
He calls for her, her name leaving his lips in a whisper. "Donna," she freezes on the spot. He still has that effect on her. "I miss you," she closes her eyes. It are three words, still not the words, but they're so close to what she wants to hear. If she has to be honest she's missed him too, but it's too late. Too late to go back.
"Donna, we need to talk," his hand reaches for her arm and her eyes flicker open again as she turns around to face him. After all this time, after her giving up he not only wants to talk, but touches her. She can't, she just can't anymore.
"We've talked, Harvey," her head shaking from left to right to fight the tears, "all the talking is done," her head shaking faster begging him to stop. "Donna, please."
Waking up from dream after dream in which all possible scenario's as to him wanting to talk and her reactions crossed her mind. The once again very early morning starts with a long warm bath and a cup of tea. It's too early for wine as much as she knows she's going need it. Already needs it if she thinks back to the dreams.
A soft record is playing in the background, she never told him but his father gave her a record of him playing once. She listens to it from time to time when she needs to clear her mind. Her eyes close and she lets her body soak in the vanilla flavoured bubbles. Her mind drifting off to him once more. Making lists in her head of what she wants and what she doesn't want.
Topics that need to be discussed and topics to avoid.
All depending on what she really wants, but deep down she already knows what she wants. She wants him to man up, to take that final step she doesn't allow herself to do. She always said she'd follow him to the ends of the earth and she would, but the past twelve years she more or less guided him. She needs him to take that last, that final step. The most important one. That step towards her, all by himself.
A loud knock on her door wakes her up from her thoughts and she only realises then that the water has turned cold. Her eyes flicker open, searching for a clock. Anything that shows the time, because it couldn't possibly be seven could it?!
She lets out a sigh as she realises she left her mobile phone in her bedroom, lifting herself from her bath she reaches for her dark blue bathing rope. It's the other half of the set he has. She never told him that gift was from her and that it was supposed to be a set, but what doesn't know doesn't hurt.
Wrapping the fabric around her body she stumbles towards her bed, her hands searching for her phone she frantically presses the home button still in search for the time.
She lets out a relieved breath, as she runs to her door. Mumbling an "I'm coming," when she hears those knocks again. Her mouth drops as soon as she sees him standing there.
His breath falters and his eyes flicker as he looks at her. A million things coming to mind, the way she's only wearing a bathrobe that looks an awful lot like his and no it wouldn't be the first time he pictures her in it. The way droplets are dripping from her auburn lock on her porcelain like skin, but mostly how absolutely breathtakingly beautiful she is.
"Hi," he shakes his head briefly trying to recover himself, "sorry I'm late."
"Late?!" she nearly chokes on air. "Harvey it's seven in the morning.." She wraps her arms around her torso, her shoulder leaning against the door post. "I uhm.." she looks down, "I thought you meant seven tonight?"
He swallows, her voice sounding apologetic and all of a sudden the thought that she might not be alone comes to his mind, but he pushes it away as fast as it came cause that would not fit his plan.
If he had a plan.
"I said seven," he counters, "nothing about morning or evening and seven is seven." She lets out a tired breath, rolling her eyes. "Could you .." She pauses shaking her head and he sees the tiniest bit of anger in her eyes. "Could I what?"
"Could you for once not lawyer yourself out or into a situation, please?"
His eyes close, 'he's the man I've been seeing for the past six weeks, he's handsome and kind and best of all. Has nothing to do with the practice of law.' He bites his tongue, knowing he has to take a different approach when it comes to her. Something he should have known by now, he tells himself.
"I'm sorry," he looks up her again, "do you want me to go?"
"No," she steps aside.. "I'll uhm.. Just let me get ready real quick," she signals her current wardrobe. "Ok," he nods stepping inside and he paces down her living room, ignore her signalling him to sit down on the couch.
She quickly changes into a pair of jeans and a tank top with a cardigan. Something to match his casual clothes. Her hair transforming into a messy braid, and just a tad of mascara on her eyes she walks back to her living room.
But he's nowhere to be seen.
"Harvey?" her heart starts beating faster as she steps closer to her couch now, she didn't imagine him showing up, did she? Her feet take another two steps until she hears a soft answer coming from the direction of her kitchen.
"What are you doing?" she leans against one of the counters on his left, her hands pressed against the cold marble top on either side of her body. "I figured you probably hadn't had breakfast yet," he looks over his shoulder. Just like he hadn't had breakfast yet, because truth to be told, when she questioned him about showing up this early, he had meant seven in the evening when he told her that the day before, but he just really wanted to see her. His eyes meet hers for a second, "and uhm… since I came empty handed, I thought I could uhm -"
"Raid my fridge?" she teases him and his mouth drops a little in response, a little sign she tries to ignore but he looks so adorable when taken off guard. "I'll .. I'll pay for it, get you new groceries," he looks back at the pan in front of him. She bites her tongue, stepping closer. "It's okay," she reassures him, "I .. I was joking," she stops next to him, her eyes meeting his once more as she looks to her right. "What are you making me?"
"Pancakes," he flips the one in the pan in front of them, "with bananas and chocolate sauce," he doesn't care it's almost the breakfast version of that ice cream she once tried to make him eat. He doesn't care she now knows he still remembers that. He just mirrors the smile she's giving him before he tells her to go back to her living room.
She prides herself on being independent, but she won't lie. She had dreams, well fantasies about him making breakfast for her. So you can't blame a girl to swoon a little now that the man you've loved for so long is randomly making breakfast for you. But are things ever random when it comes to them?
She leans forward, her arm stretching in front of him as she steals a slice of banana. Moving it or her mouth as she walks away. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding as he sees her hips sway from the corner of his eyes. The gas from the stove in front of him not the only thing that's making him feel hot.
With her legs curled up on the couch, her arms folded on the backrest and her head leaning on top of them she waits for him to return. Her heart skipping a beat once more as she sees him carry to plates with the dish he described earlier.
He swallows seeing her on that couch. The couch that changed it all. The table they had the latest very important discussion on at his right. He wonders if that's what her apartment is. A collection of places that hold a special meaning to their relationship. The bedroom where they crossed that temporarily erased line, the couch where he poured his heart out for the first time and the table where he did that once more.
He nods at the table, a silent question as to what now but she shakes her head, signalling him to come closer. He observes her as she moves over to the spot he was sitting in the last time. He's not sure if she did that on purpose but he can't blame her.
A small smile on his lips he hands her the plate before he sits down next to her. Both of them eating their breakfast in silence. Stealing a look every once in a while, but only when the other isn't looking. Like they're still in this pattern of being out of sync, or maybe it just means they're completely back in sync. Back to pretending. Back to the same pattern they held for the past twelve years.
He finishes his plate first, waiting for her to finish too and he knows he should talk now. Tell her something, anything. But he's got no clue where to start. "So?" she mumbles placing the plate on the coffee table, her head titling towards him again he feels his chest tighten. He breaks her gaze, his hands snatching up the plates as he lifts himself up on his feet. "Let me clean these first," his voice low.
He's already halfway down the kitchen when her 'Harvey, don't worry about it' leaves her lips. She sighs instead, looking down because she has got no clue where this is going. He cleans the dishes, reprimanding himself for bolting just now. He wanted to talk. He asked her to talk, so he should. He should talk.
A couple of minutes later he finds himself next to her on the couch again. Their fingers scraping past the other for a second when he hands her a cup of coffee with vanilla. He knows she isn't going to start again. Not even a small 'so' like she tried to guide him earlier. He knows he has to do this all by himself.
"How are you feeling?" It wasn't what he imagined to say, but it are the first words out of his mouth. Deciding to take a sip from his coffee, he pretends as if he really wanted to say this and it's not that he doesn't want to know, but maybe, maybe he should have had a plan, or just told her he loved her, but that would be weird wouldn't it?
She frowns for a second, of all the things he could have said or she hoped to hear him say, this wasn't what she pictured. But he wanted to talk, so talking she will. For once she'll answer a question you normally brush off with an 'I'm fine' with a more truthful answer. "Honestly," she looks down, "I've been better."
He swallows, "I know... I've been better too." She's still afraid to meet his eyes. "Yeah.. This uhm.. This whole thing with Mike's case," she pauses looking at him at last, "I know it's been hard for you Harvey," her lips are pressed into a thin line. He smiles softly, acknowledging her words. "Yeah," he sighs," but it's been hard for me for a longer time than these past few weeks."
She swallows, she knows what he's referring to, but she needs to hear him say it. "Uhm.." he looks away for a second, thinking about all the things dr. Agard once told him, "well you uhm.. You know about my therapist," he pauses again and she sees he's finding it hard to tell her this.
"It's okay," her hand merely brushing his to let him know she's there for him. "Just take your time and tell me," her eyes lock with his once more. He sees that look in her eyes again. Just like the last time he was here. How she told him she has faith in him, how she doesn't want to lose him. "The uhm.. The reason I've been seeing a therapist," he's still looking at her, "it's.. When you left, I had a panic attack."
She nods, "I know." She doesn't explain and he doesn't ask, but he isn't even surprised. She's Donna after all. "It's .. It's connected to these abandonment and trust issues I've been having since.." he looks down, feeling her hand on his again. The smallest squeeze enough to make him look at her again. "Since my mom left us and … and well you leaving me, triggered those attacks. I know they're weren't just about you.. But they weren't not about you either."
"What do you mean?" she's not used to him opening up like this, or maybe she is, but she isn't used to registering it unless it's spelled out. Maybe that's her problem.
"I've talked a lot with my therapist. About why this happened, why you were that trigger.." he shifts a bit on his seat.. "about what my life looks like. And why I had a hard time admitting that this started because of you."
She swallows, "I'm sorry."
"Don't." He gives her a small smile, "if it.. If it wasn't for you I'd still be this messed up lawyer.. Not that I'm not messed up now, but.." He studies her face for a second, the only thing that comes to mind is that he loves her. "When I say I need you, it's because I do," he shrugs his shoulders, "and it's not just about work. Not anymore. Maybe never was."
He sees her swallow, her eyes tearing up a bit and he knows he has got to get this all out now before he chokes again. Before he gets the chance to back out and ruin whatever there was left to ruin. "What I'm trying to say is…is that I never allowed myself to look at you that way."
"I .. I always knew you were special and different, but I.. I was just this guy that didn't know how to love or what love even is. Just this guy that couldn't possibly give you what you deserve. This guy that can't be worthy of you.."
"Harvey," she whispers and he shakes his head slightly, begging her to let him say what he needs to say.
"I think it was your rule, that made me push away all the feelings I'm sure I couldn't identify at the time.. I know it sounds like an easy excuse," his lips turn into a thin line, "but I think it's what I did. Accept the fact that whatever was happening between us couldn't continue.. And for a long time I tried to pretend that everything was fine. That those feelings I tried to put aside all those years ago weren't still there, but they are," his eyes flicker in her direction once again, "Donna, when you… when you were facing prison charges things shifted. I know that now, I know that that was just the smallest crack in my facade, so scared of losing you I opened up but ended up pushing you away."
He takes a deep breath, "and I know that that's my fault. Because I couldn't tell you how I love you."
"But the thing is.. I can't explain it," he raises his shoulders, he knows it aren't the words she wanted to hear on that 'how' but this is as close as he can get to an explanation. "In all these years you've creeped into my life in a way I never imagined possible and there aren't words to explain that question, Donna."
She swallows looking away for a second as she thinks back to the time she pushed him for an answer. How she questioned him about the meaning of his words, how he tried to brush it off as if that didn't matter at all. How different this moment is, now that he's the one bringing it up. Telling her because he wants to tell her, not because she's pushing him.
"All I know is that when I remember my past, the best memories are about you. When you ask me about today, you're the first thing that comes to mind and when you ask me how I see my future, I picture you... Us."
"Harvey.." she swallows her thumb caressing the palm of his hand, his eyes dropping briefly to her hand on his before his eyes meet hers once more. "Last time I was here, you asked me why I came to see you and not my therapist. I told you because it's personal," he pauses once more. His eyes dropping to her lips. "But I also wanted to know if there was something left to fight for.. Your words stopping me from turning myself in and Donna.." he pauses looking her in the eyes again, his lips curling up slightly as he sees her blink. Trying to push the tears away, his left hand brushes over her cheek.
"Donna.. I want to know if there is? All I could think about these past days was if there's something left to fight for. If maybe… just maybe you said those things because you still love me? Like I love you in that non explainable way." She shivers under his touch, her lips curling up as she closes her eyes for a second.
"You mean 'in love'..?"
He swallows shaking his head feeling like an idiot for being unable to find that word, "I .. Yes," his hand squeezes hers. "I'm in love with you, Donna Paulsen and I need to know if you're in love with me too."
"Need?" she smiles and he lets out a semi annoyed laugh. "I was kind of having a moment.. But yeah, need," his head crooked his eyes still locked with hers. They've done this a million times before, it's just a different, maybe even better context. "I kind of need you to kiss me," she whispers and he leans forward, a smirk smile on his lips. "Donna...please," he needs her to speak to. After all those years of ignoring and brushing off, acting instead of talking, her needs to hear her say it too.
"Of course," she wraps her arms around his neck. Her breath warm against his lips as she finally tells him she feels the same. "I'm in love with you, Harvey Specter... but I really need you -" the rest of her words being silenced by his lips on hers.
A sweet but passionate kiss, both of them gasping for air soon after, she lets out a laugh as her head rests in the crook of his neck, his lips pressed against the top of her head. "So," she whispers., it's the start of everything that happens after that first kiss.
They talk about every little thing they ignored these past years, and all the things they imagined for the future. All of them having one in coming, it included the other. Words repeatedly being replaced by kisses and seven AM turns into PM and into AM again.
Just like every day after that.