(*Intro music: "Hail to the Chief" by The Four Squeezins*)
The Once-ler: Salutations, gentlemen, ladies and assorted Seussian monstrosities.
This is history's most inexplicably likable…
(*Hexxus is shown*)
…Second-most-inexplicably likable harbinger of mass-deforestation, the Once-ler speaking; hold your applause now, Tumblrites.
While I'm neither attempting to build and maintain an industrial empire with zero foresight regarding resource depletion nor hiding myself away in shame over the destruction I've caused because I, again, apparently have no idea how to keep a resource that quite literally grows on trees renewable, I watch two shows: Game of Thrones and Gotham… oh, and House of Cards.
Also, some little wrinkly guy has paid me to advertise his own crappy series, Moleman's Epic Ra-
…Wait a minute, what the Hell am I doing? I'm a Dr. Seuss character, for crying out loud; this thing ought to be in rhyme!
Dr. Seuss: Oh, how convenient; now he suddenly cares about accurately honoring my work…
The Once-ler: Hit it!
Yo, prepare to see a side of me even the film kept hidden;
Keep you pocket change and snail shells, too, 'cause y'all have free admission
To the show I'm putting on when I let grow my flow today!
Forget a Thneed; what you all really need's to heed what I've to say:
Even that fuzzy orange guy approves!
The Lorax: What? No I don't, asshole!
Once-ler: Whatevs; keep ranting 'bout the trees. I'm busy speaking for the Mole,
Who's biggering his rap empire: six new battles' seeds are planted,
With fat kids, twins and wall-builders; baby, this'll be gigantic!
Sucker emcees getting chopped right down and flattened like pancakes,
It's gonna be survival of the fittest; I can hardly wait!
Unlike my Aesop, they won't compromise on lyric quality,
And as for audio, well, riddle me this: how bad can it be?
Get… off… my… TRACK!
Prepare to scream like Hell; Grom's son's laying devastation!
I'm Warchief of the True Horde, and true host of this presentation,
With a true warrior's heart and, failing that, an ancient monster's!
You're a Thrall to your wack family like your movie to its sponsors:
Shilling Mazda was as damning of a deal as fiend-blood-drinking;
Thus, I intervene with this offensive Warsong I be singing!
This is mic-Mak'gora, yo, and though my words have not been poisoned,
Of your goring when I howl them, there can still be no avoidance!
I'm the orc-supreme, so suck it, Azog; you too, Ironhide!
Go lift yourself away; become a shaman. I'll fill in as guide
To the next expansion of the rapping-craft world,
Featuring child-eaters, lesbians and dead Russian girls;
Moleman's left naught a Blank Space on his invite list!
Now, I'll say this just once, Once-ler; YOU ARE DISMISSED!
…And on this very date in time, and right upon this very spot,
I, Aku, unleashed an unspeakably dope verse, and spat it hot!
It's no tea party when I show: I'm one far cry from Zuko's buddy;
Twenty-Sixteen marks my rebirth with free rein to make things bloody!
Ask the dinosaurs how hard I shake things up when I appear;
I'm just about the only shadow that it's sensible to fear!
You've not a fragment of the strength of this fragment of utter darkness;
Earth's worst scourge since birth, my name attests: I'm pure evil incarnate!
Making moot your petty feud like I did border immigration,
I'll troll Garrosh harder than when they selected his replacement!
What my fairy stories lack, I compensate for with these rhymes;
Try stepping to me, and your tales will end as sadly as X9's!
Even Aku's Achoo's a hazard! Now, I could just kill you losers,
But I've heard Hellscream likes time-warps, and so: have fun in the future!
Once-ler, Garrosh: Noooooooooooooooowoowoowoowoowoo- (*POP*)
Aku: …There, that takes care of those buffoons, at least for the time being; now, as I, being the actual host of this video, have been meaning to say: Moleman's Epic Rap Battles is on the rise yet again, with an all-new batch of battles featuring such characters as Dea-
(*Dun, dun, dun…*)
T. E. Lawrence:
I made waves in World War One!
(*Dun, dun, dun…*)
I'm Lawrence of Arabia,
Who takes no prisoners while massacring jerks with raps;
The Allies won't screw my dreams over here, and neither will your ass!
I missed my cue to reach Damascus, but I spit with perfect timing;
Thomas needn't help me get attention when it comes to rhyming!
It's as obvious as the "twist" when you tried posing as female:
Contrasting with my actor's Oscar noms, I'm destined to prevail!
In fact, I'll ask one of my Arab homies: how's that scripture read?
Gwonam: Well, it is written: only Lawrence can defeat Aku.
I'll hardly mind your hurtful words, but mine will cut you down to size:
Watch me extinguish your regime before match-cutting to sunrise!
Man, you look like your mama screwed with a Kor'kron Annihilator!
You're unfit to talk about the coming fights with Wizards, skaters,
A returning space-dictator and a band all being included!
Unlike getting knighted by King George, though, I'll be glad to do it.
Well, you'd best be glad to fold 'em when in comes this martial master
With Uncanny vocal talent; that's why I was on X-Factor!
My whole brain's intact, my full deck's stacked, and I'm too hot to handle;
Rolling solo as I steal this show, this time I won't get cancelled!
I went through worse than your war days 'fore being old enough to drive;
My flow'll make you crash and burn like this was Nineteen Thirty-Five!
I forge Apocalyptic verses, even out of Horseman mode:
Lyrics so charged with energy, they're prone to make a mic explode!
Tatum'll kill it when he steps up as this mutant casanova;
Sitting through your Kitschy film, though, damn-near put me in a coma!
I'd've just made out with Rogue, had I known I'd be risking that,
But see more pussy than your "love life" when I feed my Disney cats!
If you think you're on par with me, your skulls are thicker than my accent;
I'm a loyal heir of thieves, but you can call me your assassin!
As for aces up in sleeves, this ragin' Cajun has the most;
The slickest Gambit since the master-strokes of- (*ZIP, TUMBLE, THUD*)
Garrosh Hellscream: …Ugh… where are we; what year is it?
The Once-ler: …Um… I think we just got sent forward a couple minutes.
Aku: Oh dear… I guess all those years of being off the air really have taken their toll…
Lawrence: Hey now, that's no excuse for losing your touch; after all, I've been dead for seven decades, and I'm clearly not letting that get to me here!
Remy LeBeau: …So, um, I guess this means the rap is over, and we, having each gotten our chance to shine, all win, eh?
Aw, quite a nice dream, that… but dreams, of course, are meant to be…
Broken's how you'll wish I'd left you once this coup d'état's complete,
And you're helplessly watching your own metal forms bow to my feet!
The maniac who blew the Planet of the Furries up to Hell,
It's Doomsday when my ghastly voice projects; my Cumming's your death knell!
You'll face EndGame upon being met with my Roboticizer's jolt:
It'll give Lawrence his most drastic overhaul since Robert Bolt!
Watch Draenor's chieftains flee when this Warlord steps into the arena.
Remy, I'll rock your whole hometown as if my name were Katrina!
What's Aku's grip on the world next to my literal steel fist?
Compared to me, Once-ler's a radical environmentalist!
Just ask my nephew how heartless I am; he'll be your next-door neighbor,
Once I knead your bodies into blocks for holding down my papers!
Of all blights on Mobius, only Ken Penders' crimes are more,
And now, just like my robo-self, I'm on a cross-zone conquest tour!
As for the Freedom Fighters, let's just say: I've taught them not to talk shit;
Thus, I let the princess sum up their new creed…
Mecha-Sally Acorn: VIVE LA RÉSISTANCE, YOU FAT FUCK!
(*Robotnik lies bleeding on the floor before Sally, as everyone else looks on in awe…*)
Robotnik: But… but how?
Sally: What, how have I regained my free will? To be honest, I'm not quite sure, but I'm guessing it probably has something to do with the fact that I am Princess Sally Alicia Goddamn Acorn, bitch!
Robotnik: Grr… I should have expected as much from a Mary Sue such as yourse- (*SPLAT*)
Sally: Alright folks, the bottom line is this: there's going to be six more battles in Season 3, after which Season 4 will kick off with an all-new matchup featuring yours truly against someone besides a certain blue robot.
Announcer: WAIT, WHAT? THAT'S NOT PART OF THE PLAN… AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SAL, YOU'VE ALREADY GONE TWICE; ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
Sally: Maybe it would be, if both those battles didn't suck in the audio department, and if not for the fact that you let me get roboticized again!
Announcer: WELL, SEEING AS YOU'RE STILL YOUR, ERM, VIRTUOUS SELF, I'D FRANKLY CALL IT AN IMPROVEMENT, IF ANYTHING… BESIDES, WHAT IF I DECLINE?
Sally: (*Draws arm-blades*)
Announcer: POINT TAKEN!
(*Moleman's Epic Rap Battle logo appears; fade to black…*)