Chapter 1: Ground Goombas

Whenever anyone thinks of the Mushroom Kingdom, they usually think of one of two things; Toads or Goombas. They are both equally numerous, are found in every corner of the Mushroom Kingdom, and where you find one, you are bound to find the other not far away. To many, Toads and Goombas practically go hand in hand.

Indeed, Goombas are Toads' closest living relative, with both being descendants of the same fungal ancestor sometime in the ancient past. You can tell this by the mushroom caps each species has on the top of their head, but the similarities between the two mostly stop there.

While a Toad's cap is large, soft, and bulbous, a Goomba's is much smaller, angular, and hard. And, while Toads often grow mammal like hair on their faces and from under their caps, Goombas are entirely hairless, though some have been known to mold their caps into different 'hairstyles'. And, while a Toad's skin is usually white or pink, a Goomba's can be brown, black, blue, and many other colors. Their most distinctive and universal trait, however, are the two sharp fangs that jut out from the bottom of their mouths.

There exists several different types and subspecies of Goombas across the Mushroom Kingdom, but this entry is going to focus on the most common; the Ground Goomba, also known as a 'Normal' Goomba.

Ground Goombas average at about four and a half feet tall, have brown colored skin, and are omnivorous eaters. Despite their short stature and being stereotyped as 'weak' by many, Goombas are actually quite good at adapting to their environments, and can live just about anywhere.

But what ultimately caused the Ground Goomba to become one of the most populous Mono in the Mushroom Kingdom is their incredible ability to breed. Ground Goomba pregnancies only last three months, they are almost constantly fertile, and they can start breeding at a very young age. While Toads aren't considered to be fully sexually mature until they're eighteen years old, Ground Goombas can reach peak sexual maturity as early as ten, and are legally considered adults in the Mushroom Kingdom by the time they're thirteen. However, this comes with the deadly trade-off of a short lifespan, and most Ground Goombas rarely live past the age of fifty.

One way to tell the age of a Ground Goomba is to look at their fangs. If she has two full length fangs, then she is a fully grown adult between eighteen and fifty years of age. Single or short fangs usually indicate a young adult, between twelve and eighteen years old, and no fangs means that they're a child eleven or younger. Children are usually safe to be around, but adults sometimes have problems controlling their strong urges to breed, and are more likely to try and assault you if you are a male.

Because of their relatively short lives, Ground Goombas rarely do anything slowly. If one is interested in you, she will let you know as quickly and as plainly as possible. Some may try a pickup line or ask you out on a date first, but most of the time Ground Goombas will simply offer men sex flat-out. If he refuses but the Ground Goomba is still interested, then she likely start wearing more revealing clothing, and start openly flirting with the man to try and entice him to change his mind.

If he still refuses, then there is a chance that the Ground Goomba will try to take her mate by force. The traditional method of assault by most Goombas is with their skulls; their strong mushroom caps have been hardened by evolution to withstand even the harshest of blows, and so head butting is their favorite way of dealing with someone who has upset them. If you see a Ground Goomba approach you with an angry look on her face, try to cover your head with whatever you have available before she can land a blow.

If a Ground Goomba manages to capture you, she'll most likely start raping you on the spot. Their terrible patience when it comes to sex has often gotten many a Ground Goomba in trouble for indecent exposure, so it is unlikely that your rapist will be kind enough to bring you to a bed before having her way with you.

How long a Ground Goomba will have sex with you will depend on largely on what she is looking to get out of the experience. If she is doing it for her own pleasure, then Ground Goombas have enough energy to have sex for hours on end, and have dozens of orgasms in the process. If she is looking to breed, copulation with a Ground Goomba can be mercifully short, and will end after she is sure that she's been impregnated.

However, Goombas of all varieties are known for using their numbers to their advantage, and will often go hunting for men in groups if they are desperate enough to breed. There has been more than one account of Goombas gang raping unsuspecting men in quick succession, and using stamina boosting foods like ultra-jelly to keep him erect and potent. One report even suggests that one unfortunate man impregnated eighteen different Goombas in one night during one of these group assaults.

Not all Goombas are willing to share, though, and when they don't, they can become quite violent with one another. When competing over a mate, it is traditional for two Ground Goombas butt heads, or 'headbonk', until one or the other falls over.

These contests of strength and fortitude are colloquially called 'cock fights', as they are done to determine who rightfully owns the male's 'cock'. This misandrist practice has been outlawed in the Mushroom Kingdom for many years for its objectification of men as prizes, but it still remains a popular underground sport in areas with a majority Goomba population.

So, what precautions can you take when living or interacting with Ground Goombas, or Goombas in general?

The most important thing is to be perceptive; as Ground Goombas often wear their emotions on their sleeves, it is usually easy to tell if one is interested just by looking her in the face if she does not just ask you for sex immediately. If a Ground Goomba makes you feel uncomfortable, or starts sexually harassing you, alert a guard or police officer immediately. If that is not possible, then find a way to leave the area as soon as you can.

If you live in a heavily Ground Goomba populated area, try not to head out after dark alone, and be sure to wear headgear whenever you do.

The most important thing, however, is to never agree to let two Ground Goombas cock fight over you unless you genuinely plan on having sex with the winner. Having a male agree to a cock fight is seen as preemptive consent, and revoking that consent at any time will likely not be tolerated.