Episode 029 [3-01]: Final Request
Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.
Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.
Excuse Me, Excuse Me…
I guess I'll have to be direct
If you're gonna' stand on my neck
Then you'd better check under the sea
Cause that is where you'll find me
Underneath the Sealab!
Underneath the water
At the bottom of the Sea!
Date: Wednesday, March 11th, 2022
Daria blinked as she looked around the bridge. "That was weird," she said to herself quietly as she noticed Sparks talking to the crew of a small transport sub. "Yeah... reduce speed and then prepare to dock. Yes, I'll let Lieutenant Commander Barch know about it. Of course. Uh-huh, bye," Sparks said.
Sparks looked over and saw the look of confusion and disorientation on Daria's face. "Hey, Lieutenant Morgendorffer, is something wrong?" Sparks asked her. "I'm... not sure. I just had the strangest feeling that something incredibly bizarre had taken place, but I can't remember a thing about it," Daria replied. "Huh, well don't worry too much. Everyone gets that feeling at some point in their lives. Everyone," Sparks said before he resumed a game of Solitaire on one of his console monitors.
A few minutes later, Lieutenant Commander Marco Marquez entered the bridge. "Hey, everyone, we have a very special guest arriving soon," Marco said. "Huh?" Daria asked him in surprise. "Oh, right," Sparks said. "The Final Request Foundation is sending a dying kid here to take a tour of Sealab," Sparks explained.
"Oh," Daria said. "That's... sad," she added. "Yeah, her name is Angelica Pickles. She's really sick, and so we have to make sure that she's happy while she's here," Marco said. "Okay. When is she supposed to arrive?" Daria asked him. "Tomorrow," Marco said. "She'll be arriving late morning tomorrow, and I'm going to host a pizza party for her," Marco added.
"Pizza?" Daria asked with interest. The other bridge door slid open and Captain Murphy made his way inside, followed by Commander Li and Commander DeMartino, both of whom were bickering about something. Murphy had tuned them both out after about twenty minutes.
"Hey, Marco, what's up?" Murphy asked as he walked over. "Oh, Captain, have you heard about the little girl who's coming to visit Sealab?" Marco asked him. "Uh, didn't we have some girl from a magazine visit us a while back already?" Murphy asked him. "This is a different girl," Marco said.
"Oh, so who is this new girl?" Murphy asked him. "Her name is Angelica Pickles, and she's being sent here by the Final Request Foundation. She's dying from a terrible sickness, and so we're going to make her stay as comfortable as possible tomorrow," Marco explained with sadness in his voice. "Another plague carrier is coming here!?" Murphy asked.
"What? No," Marco replied. "My god! We're all doomed!" Murphy exclaimed before he ran away, exiting the bridge. "Why does he keep doing that?" Commander Li asked in confusion. "He's Captain Murphy," Sparks said, as though that explanation said everything, which it technically did.
"So... this pizza party that you mentioned," Daria began, "Am I to assume that the pizza will be from a restaurant such as Pizza-Marine, or will it be a home-made type thing, or something from one of the commissaries?" "Um, a mixture of all of those, I suppose," Marco said thoughtfully. "Is the fact that we're having a pizza party the only thing that got your attention?" Commander DeMartino asked Daria with a small hint of disappointment in his voice.
"Well... the dying kid is, you know, sad. I just want to make sure that we'll have enough pizza to make me-I mean her happy," Daria said. DeMartino narrowed his eyes and glowered at Daria. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, I honestly thought that you would have a little bit more compassion for your fellow human beings, especially when one of them is dying at such a young age," he said to her.
"Sorry," Daria said sheepishly. Commander Li coughed. "Um, out of curiosity, does anyone know if there are liability wavers that can be signed, just in case something were to happen to the girl while she is down here?" she asked. "I think we still have some wavers leftover from that Dethklok concert," Sparks said. "Ah, good," Li said with a smile. "But... they only relieve Dethklok of responsibility for injuries or death, not Sealab. Have fun modifying the form," Sparks added with a smirk.
DeMartino frowned. "Are Lieutenant Commander Marquez and I the only people here who actually care about the well-being of this dying girl who is coming to visit us?" he asked with a tone of disgust in his voice. "Oh, I do care!" Commander Li exclaimed. "Really?" DeMartino asked with a disbelieving tone. "Of course! Her well-being is essential to the reputation of Sealab and its officers, as well as any potential legal issues," Commander Li explained. "Why am I not surprised?" DeMartino asked himself with a frown.
Date: Thursday, March 12th, 2022
Daria and Commander DeMartino stood outside the airlock doors as they waited for their guest to appear. "Why am I always the one you have accompanying you for these things?" Daria asked Commander DeMartino. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, first impressions can be very important. They aren't always correct, but they are nonetheless important," DeMartino replied.
"So, having a sixteen year-old girl who has a cynical world-view greeting every VIP is somehow going to make a good first impression?" Daria asked him. "Daria, would you rather I have Stormy here with me?" DeMartino asked her. "No, but why not have Doctor Quinn here? He's easily the most intelligent person in Sealab," Daria replied.
Before DeMartino could reply, the airlock doors slid open and a little blonde girl in a wheelchair entered the entry hall. "Hello," she said with a cough. "I'm... Angelica Pickles," she said with a sad voice. Her hair was done up in pigtails, and she was wearing a child's version of the standard Sealab uniform.
"Hello, Miss Pickles," DeMartino said with a nod. "Hello," Daria said as she looked at the little girl. She seemed to be around nine or ten years old. Daria almost felt a twinge of sadness for the poor girl. "Why don't we take you to meet up with some of the children in the orphanage," Daria said as she opened the doors of a transport cart and pulled out a ramp.
Angelica wheeled herself up the ramp and into the back of the cart before Daria closed the door and hopped in the driver's seat. "Commander?" she asked DeMartino. "Oh, sure," he said as he walked over and got in the passenger seat of the cart.
In a boat on the ocean's surface, a man with a mustache was getting his diving suit ready. "That little scam artist," he muttered to himself. The boat's captain walked over. "So, uh, the Final Request Foundation is going to pay me for this service, right?" he asked the man. "Yeah, they'll pay you in full," he replied as he checked his oxygen tanks and diving apparatus.
"How long until we reach the spot?" Mustache asked the captain. "At least another two hours," he replied. "Plenty of time," Mustache said to himself. "No one gets a free ride from the Final Request Foundation. No one," he said.
"Unless they're actually dying, right?" the captain asked him. "Oh, don't worry," Mustache said to the captain. "She's definitely gonna die," he said with a grin as he secured a knife to his waist band.
"Angelica, this is Suzie Carmichael," Daria said as she introduced the two girls to each other. "H-Hello, Suzie," Angelica said with another cough. "Hello, Angelica," Suzie said. "Well, Suzie, would you like to join Angelica on her tour of Sealab today? There's going to be a pizza party later," Daria said. "Sure," Suzie replied with a grin.
"So, you're an orphan too?" Angelica asked Suzie. "Yeah. My whole family was killed on a camping trip. Someone had tied Bigfoot's toe hairs together, and he came into the camp, howling with rage as he tore everyone apart and crushed my parents and siblings with tent poles and all sorts of other things that I don't want to talk about," Suzie said sadly. "Aw, you can spend the rest of day with me, Suzie," Angelica said.
"Oh, Daria, thank you for doing this," Debbie Love said with a smile. "Um... you won't let any of the other orphans know about the pizza party, will you?" Daria asked. "Well, why wouldn't I?" Debbie asked her. "Because... then you'd have to bring Dolphin Boy there," Daria replied, thinking fast. "Oh my goodness, you're right. I'll keep a tight lip about it. Maybe I'll just bring them some leftovers instead," Debbie Love said.
"That sounds good," Daria said with a nod of her head. "Suzie, Angelica; let's go to the room where you'll be staying," Daria said as she got into the cart with them. "Okay, let's go," Daria said as she turned on the cart. Commander DeMartino was snoring in the passenger seat.
"The Great Pestilence is upon us!" Captain Murphy shouted into a megaphone as he drove around in a cart. "Prepare yourselves, for the end is nigh!" "Captain, what are you doing?" Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn asked him as Murphy stopped the cart in front of him. "The disease carrier has arrived! We must make haste and secure our... uh, staying alive stuff!" Captain Murphy exclaimed.
"Captain, she's just a little girl who's dying from an incurable sickness. Don't you have a heart?" Debbie Dupree asked him. "I do, and I want to protect it from whatever germs that little monster is carrying with her!" Murphy snapped back. "You unbelievable bastard!" Debbie hissed at him.
"Hey, I'm your superior officer! You have to ask for permission to call me a bastard, and I'll tell you right now that I knew both of my parents; the biological ones, not the adopted ones, Miss Dupree, or should I say... Burton! Ah-ha ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!" Murphy retorted. "Permission to swear at you sir!" Debbie asked. "Permission granted," Murphy said.
"Go to hell, you cupcake loving asshole! I hope you die in a ditch filled with spiders and afterbirth!" Debbie shouted angrily. "Hmm, that was pretty good," Murphy said in an appreciative tone. "What?" Debbie asked him, confused. "You're really creative," he complimented her. Debbie stared at him slack-jawed as he drove off, once again shouting into the megaphone.
"So, these are the quarters you'll be staying in?" Suzie asked Angelica as Daria left the room. "Yep, this is where I'll be staying during my painful days of terminal illness," Angelica said. Both girls were quiet for a few minutes, before they burst out laughing. "Oh my god, you really had me going there!" Suzie laughed.
"Did you see the looks on everyone's faces when they saw me and heard my sickly voice?" Angelica asked her with a laugh as she got out of her chair. "I can't believe they all fell for that!" Suzie cried out in laughter. "Say, Suzie, were you serious about the Bigfoot story?" Angelica asked her.
"Um, yeah, I was," Suzie said with a giggle. "Oh, that must've been horrible," Angelica said with a chuckle. "Oh, believe me, it was, but I've gotten used to having more freedom as a result," Suzie said with a slick smile. "So, you got transferred here after the old orphanage got destroyed, didn't you?" Angelica asked Suzie.
"Yep, although only a handful of the other orphans survived. The rest are all misfits from around the world, like that weird Dolphin Boy," Suzie replied. "So, what brings you to Sealab?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Well, I've been using the Final Request Foundation to hit just about every sweet spot on Earth for the past month or so," Angelica began.
"And, well, I think they're starting to catch on, so I've decided that maybe I can hide out here and fake my death so that they'll stop looking for me. All we have to do is get rid of one of the other orphans and I'll take their place, and then I'll sneak out on a cargo transport after a few months and go hide somewhere in the Bahamas, where I can use money from my Swiss bank accounts to live a life of luxury," Angelica finished.
"Where'd you get the money from?" Suzie asked her. "Oh, I hacked into the accounts of the Final Request Foundation and its associates. Would you like to come with me?" Angelica asked her. "We'd make a great team, Suzie," Angelica said. "I know, but if I disappear with you, then people might get suspicious and look into things. I'll wait until I'm old enough to leave on my own, and then I'll come find you," Suzie said.
"Hn, suit yourself," Angelica said. "Now, did I hear that there was supposed to be a pizza party this afternoon for me?" Angelica asked Suzie. "You sure did," Suzie replied. Soon, the door to the room opened, and Captain Murphy walked in, wearing a hazmat suit, followed by Daria.
"Alright, which one of you has the great plague?" Murphy asked. "The what?" Suzie asked him in confusion. "The plague! The black death! Which one of you is the child sent to destroy us!?" Murphy asked. "Are you looking for me?" Angelica asked him. "So, you're the one carrying the plague, eh?" Murphy asked her.
"Captain, she doesn't have the plague!" Daria insisted. "Yeah, and she's not even sick, or dying!" Suzie said. "Oops," she whispered with wide eyes. "Um, say that again," Daria demanded. "I'm not sick, and I'm not dying," Angelica revealed. Captain Murphy took off his helmet. "So, we aren't going to die," he said in relief.
"Does this mean... the pizza party is off?" Daria asked rhetorically. "Say, how about we take the kids on a fun little drive through the station?" Murphy suggested. "Captain, we should report them for committing fraud," Daria said. "But, if we report them, then there's no pizza party," Murphy said with a frown.
"Hmm, you have a good point," Daria said before turning to face the girls. "Okay, girls, you're going to come with us and do everything that we tell you to do," Daria said. "Oh come on, why should we?" Suzie asked. "Well, if that's how you want to be, then we can just report you for fraud and have you sent to jail or prison for scamming a charitable organization," Murphy replied with a smirk.
"I like your style," Daria said to him. "Thank you," Murphy replied. "So, girls, what'll it be?" Murphy asked them with a gleam in his eyes.
"Aaahhh!" Angelica screamed as her wheelchair was dragged behind Captain Murphy's cart at full speed. "Wow, you can almost see genuine emotion on her face when she screams," Daria said with a smirk. "Slow this thing down!" Suzie cried out in terror. "Sorry, but only honest people get to make those kind of demands," Daria said.
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!" Suzie kept screaming as Murphy raced through the halls and corridors of Sealab at the cart's top speed, driving past Stormy, causing him to drop his ice cream cone on the ground. Stormy then dropped to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably until he got up and walked away without a care in the world. The fallen ice cream cone then shed a tear for itself as Stormy left it behind, and the ghost of the cow whose milk was used in its creation before being sent off to a slaughterhouse rose from within and ascended into the heavens above, where a heavenly slaughterhouse awaited it.
Meanwhile, Captain Murphy kept driving, running over three mimes, one fruit stand, and hitting two elderly people. "Whoops, oh well, it's not like they had much time left anyway," Murphy said apologetically. "Um... we'll just keep that to ourselves," Daria said quietly.
Eventually, however, Murphy lost control of the cart and crashed into a wall. "Oh, my neck," he said as he got out of the vehicle. "I think we hit more than just the wall," Daria said as she pointed to the body under the cart. "Uh-oh, we hit Commander Li," Daria said.
"I think you mean, the girls hit Commander Li with a stolen cart," Murphy said with a smirk. "I don't think we... oh, why not?" Daria said, giving in. She'd never liked Angela Li anyway. "So, I guess we need to find a way to dispose of the body, don't we?" Murphy asked Daria as he looked at Angelica, who was underneath her wheelchair.
"Hey, Miss Pickles, we have a job for you," Murphy said. "W-What kind of job?" Angelica asked him. "We need you to help us get rid of this body," Murphy said as he pointed to Angela Li's corpse. "Commander Li?" Suzie asked. "But, Captain Murphy, no one likes Commander Li! If you tell everyone that you killed her, then the whole station will treat you as a hero!" Suzie exclaimed.
"Hmm, she may have a point there," Daria said. "Possibly, but... yeah, okay," Murphy said in agreement. "So, while Daria and I go tell everyone about Miss Li's demise, you two can go run along until it's time for the party," Murphy said. "Thank you," Angelica said as she and Suzie walked away from the crash scene. "So, how should we spin the story?" Murphy asked Daria.
"So, we're going diving?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Yes. We need to fake my death soon. I don't think I can stand another minute of being around that Murphy guy for much longer," Angelica replied as she prepared another air tank. "So, what's the plan?" Suzie asked her.
"Well, we're both going to go diving out there, and then you'll come back and tell everyone that I was eaten by some horrible animal or something. Meanwhile, I'll keep this second air tank out here with me so that I can hide and enter Sealab through another means. After that, I'll spend some time hiding until a cargo sub comes along. Then I'll hitch a ride to the surface and get myself some money from those bank accounts," Angelica said.
"Sounds like a plan," Suzie said before she finished attaching her gear. Both girls then sat with their backs facing the water before falling into the moon pool and swimming out towards a rocky area. The girls admired the marine life as they swam around, dazzled at the beauty of the ocean depths.
As they swam over to the side of a ridge, they saw another figure swimming towards them. "Hey, do you see that?" Suzie asked Angelica. Both girls hid as they saw the mustachioed man swimming around. "My god, that's Brock! He's the accountant from the Final Request Foundation!" Angelica gasped.
"He must've caught on to your plans," Suzie commented. "No doubt about it," Angelica said as they quietly swam around him. Brock soon saw the girls and readied his spear-gun. "All right, you little heathen. When you take a ride with the Final Request Foundation, it's your last!"
Brock aimed the spear-gun and fired. Angelica dodged the spear as it grazed her and hit the rocks behind her, causing an avalanche. Brock was caught off-guard by the rocks and was knocked over by them. "Are you okay?" Suzie asked Angelica. "Yeah, I'm fine, but where's that bastard?" Angelica replied as she scanned for Brock.
"Ah, there he is," she said with a grin as she swam over to the man. His leg was caught in the rocks. "Ah, Angelica, please, help me!" he pleaded. "Help you? Hmm, Suzie, do you think we should help him?" Angelica asked her. "Gee, I don't know,"Suzie replied. "Please, I promise to keep my mouth shut!" Brock pleaded.
"Wow, that sounds swell, Brock. Unfortunately, I don't think I can trust you," Angelica said with a smile as she swam over to a wall of rocks and pushed them over. "N-No! Nooo!" Brock cried as he was buried alive. "Well, that takes care of that little problem, doesn't it?" Angelica asked.
"Sure does," Suzie replied. "Oh, dear," Angelica said as she looked at her leg. "It would seem that I'm bleeding. I think there should be some gauze or something somewhere back in the moon pool. Instead of just hiding out under the water, I'll just-aaaaaccckk!" Angelica cried out as a shark bit down on her.
"Suzie, help me!" Angelica cried out as the shark dragged her away. "Let me think about that... nope," Suzie said with a smile. "Now, back to the safety of Sealab," Suzie said as she swam back over to where Brock had been buried. She began to remove the rocks from on top of him.
"What!? You mean that she was... scamming us the whole time!?" Marco cried out. The entire cafeteria of Pod 01 had been filled with party decorations and pizza and drinks. "That's right," Brock said as he sat down at a table with a crutch by his side. "And now she's dead. Gobbled up by a big shark, no less," Suzie said. "Well, technically, she still died at a young age, right?" Daria asked.
"Yes, but not from a terminal illness," Brock replied. "So, should we just cancel the party?" Marco asked sadly. "Hell no! We can still celebrate Commander Li's death, can't we?" Murphy asked. "Hey, yeah, he's right!" Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah! We can still throw a party to celebrate the death of Commander Li!" Debbie Love exclaimed.
"Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" everyone began to shout joyously. "Here," Daria said as she brought a paper plate with a slice of pizza over to Brock. "Than you, young lady," Brock said in a genuinely thankful tone before he took a bite out of his pizza slice. "Hey, this is pretty good," he said after swallowing. "Where's this from?" he asked. "It's from Pizza-Marine," Daria replied before she walked over and grabbed a slice from one of the pizza boxes lining the tables.
Daria looked over and saw Jane eating a slice of pizza. "So, how does it feel to enjoy the perks of dating a crew member?" Daria asked her. "Feels good," Jane replied with a smile before she took another bite out of her pizza. "Tastes good too," she said. "Damn straight," Daria said with a smile.
Meanwhile, up in the heavens, ghostly spare ribs and steaks from the slaughtered cow spirit looked down at smiled upon the scene with heavenly delight. "Moo," the meats said. "Moo," said a New York strip in agreement with one of the T-Bone steaks. The ghostly meat smiled upon the party down on the Earth, for all was right with the world.
Until next time, anyway.
Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.
I... Have... Returned!
Rejoice, my readers, for more underwater goodness awaits you in the coming months. The next episode deals with Captain Murphy declaring Martian Law after a series of thefts throughout Sealab reach a critical point.