AN: Last year someone asked if I'd ever get around to writing a F!Kirk/Spock. I started one, then got pulled into something else and before I knew it, nine months had passed. Since the story didn't have much more than an outline, I decided that I was gonna go for it. I went a tad AU with this one and a good chuck of their background is in this chapter. The title is from the Paper Route song You and I.
As always, I don't own them. Wish I did though.
I waited for this
I'm the letter that you never sent
I'm just a shot at forgiveness
All the words now taken back
Every way I need you
Pull me through every memory you thread
I've waited for this, it's every wound I won't forget
You made your move now it's mine again
Can I give you something to believe in
So run for your life now
Maybe you won't, you wanna stay here
We need to get out, the going is good
We gotta turn off the lights, we gotta run for the woods now
You and I
We lie awake at night
You and I
We lie awake at night
You and I – Paper Route
Every rational bone in her body was screaming at her to go back to the graduate dorms, bother her best friend into getting a drink with her and pretend she didn't see the person who's been plaguing her thoughts but she wasn't a coward and it's time she started acting like it. His mother had warned her that their connection was too strong to actually avoid each other when they were in the same city but they were both too stubborn to let that stop them, which is how they ended up in this whole mess in the first place.
It started out how all these stories do, with two kids who had no real reason to be friends but ended up kind of stuck with each other. Her, the 'too smart for her own good' daughter of a martyred hero and, him, the hybrid son of an ambassador. They met when her mother was stationed at the 40 Eridani A Starfleet Construction Yards. The Starfleet school on the station was good, just not challenging enough for a brilliant and energetic kid with two geniuses for parents, so she was given the option to go to school on Vulcan and jumped at the chance.
From the second they met, Jayme Thea Kirk and S'chn T'gai Spock just clicked. Separately, they never fit anywhere but, together, they were like an unstoppable force of nature. Even with the three years between them, the pair seemed to be two sides of the same coin. Jayme was their instinctual heart and Spock was their logical mind. They did everything from science projects to excursions into the mountains while practically joined at the hip.
Even though he tried to show as few emotions as possible, as expected of a Vulcan diplomat's son, Jayme had learned to read his non-expressions to the point where they would even have whole conversations without uttering a single word. His mother would always make a comment that there was more to them than they realized but Jayme didn't understand what she meant until she was twelve and her mother died in an engineering accident.
The young Miss Kirk was sent to live with family on a colony as part of her mother's Family Emergency Plan. She stayed in contact with Spock, something in her head and heart refusing to just let him go. Less than a year later, a fungus killed the food supply and the governor massacred half of the people. A week into the mess, a Vulcan ship showed up before Starfleet did and among the passengers was a very worried Spock and his older brother, Sybok. Somehow, her friend felt her distress from light years away and forced his father to request that a ship check on the colony.
When it came time for the children to be released to their families, Spock used a bunch of logical double-talk to get his parents to take custody of Jayme, who didn't have anyone else. Slowly, things began to return to some form of normal. They went back to classes, the only time Spock let her out of his sight, and tried to hold to their plan to go to the Vulcan Science Academy, even though she would've been a couple years behind him. Then, when she was fourteen and he was seventeen, he left.
Other than a quick vid-comm every few months, Spock didn't talk to her like he used to and Jayme never really understood why. Lady Amanda would update her about him every chance the woman got until Jayme just asked her to stop. She stuck with Sarek, helping where she could with diplomatic duties, knowing that Spock's father wouldn't try to talk to her about Spock or Starfleet like his mother did. She got her doctorate and stayed under the radar but she couldn't deny the pull she felt to Earth. So, shortly before the ten-year anniversary of her mother's death, Jayme went to her parents' home in Riverside, Iowa.
Sitting in that bar, listening to Pike go on and on about humanitarianism and peacekeeping, the only thing Jayme could think about was Spock. He was the logical one and he went to Starfleet, so there had to be something to it. The next morning, she hopped on the shuttle without a word. She had no idea he was in San Francisco until she was a month in and her frienemy, Uhura, mentioned him as being one of the instructors.
For months, they managed to avoid each other but she could feel him when they were close enough. That morning, she almost slammed into him when she wasn't paying attention and now he was the only thing she could think about. Graduate school is hard enough, especially the Starfleet Command School, and now she's distracted by soulful brown eyes and pointy ears that turn the most adorable shade of green when he's flustered.
Jayme hit the buzzer before she could talk herself out of it and waited. The look on Spock's face when he opened his door would read impassive to most but never to her. Even if she hadn't known him since they were kids, the way their worlds were intertwined left very few secrets between them. At least, that's how it used to be. She could tell that he was tired but he was also happy to see her. Jayme cracked a smile, in spite of herself.
"What's cookin', good lookin'," she asked with a smirk.
"You have been on campus for six months, one week and four days. I expected you to attempt to converse with me sooner," Spock said, ignoring the attempt she made to inject a little humor into the situation.
"Only knew you were here for five of them. Besides, I had a bet going with your brother to see how long it would take before I caved. He had a bit more faith in me than your mother did but not by much. Your sister had the best guess, though," Jayme smiled, looking up at him. "Did you get taller?"
"Yes," he answered as he stepped aside to let her into his apartment.
She took her time looking around, noting the mix of Vulcan and Human decor in his home. Her eyes stopped to focus on a holophoto of two kids on a shelf. The boy stood tall and expressionless while the girl leaned against his shoulder with a bright smile on her face and her blue eyes picking up the light over Shi'Kahr.
"We were so young back then."
"Indeed," Spock said quietly.
"It was so simple. Two kids just… being kids. Well, as much as Vulcan kid and a Human kid living on Vulcan could be kids. Do you ever wish...? Nevermind."
"I do not wish to return to that time. I do, however, wish that I could have returned to you. I caused you pain and that was not my intention."
"You just… you left."
"I could not stay. Even Human, you were more acceptable to them than I have ever been. When Minister Sonek insulted my mother, I understood that I would never have been Vulcan enough for them. I was only accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy because my father's position allowed me to be."
"You were more than enough for me, Spock. You always have been. When you decided to turn down the VSA, I thought it was my fault. I asked myself what I could have done," she told him. "Tried to figure out why everyone always leaves me."
"It was not you," he told her sternly.
"That's what your mother said but it never helped, not that she expected it to. Apparently, it's extremely rare for someone to abandon their t'hy'la," Jayme sighed.
"She addressed you as such?"
"She did. I actually had to look that one up, despite how well I speak Vulcan. I got it, once I understood the context."
On Vulcan, there was the concept of bonding, which was essentially a telepathic link that equated to being married. Having a t'hy'la was like having a bondmate, only cranked up to a thousand. It was a connection that wasn't a conscious action, just an uncontrollable and almost tangible link between two people. The best way Jayme could define t'hy'la is friend/brother/lover or soulmates in the extreme. Someone you trust with everything. Someone who completes you. Someone who has a kindred spirit. Someone who would give of their body to you and only you. They never got to that last part but if he asked, she'd be all over it in a heartbeat.
She smiled, "I thought she was blowing smoke until I talked to T'Pring. She got married last year. Actually thanked me, said that my link to you I did something to your betrothal bond."
"My connection to T'Pring had always been weak. I believe, and this is only speculative, that our interactions after your time on Tarsus Four were the cause for the complete dissolution of our connection."
"Yea. I figured as much when you started reaching out to me," Jayme whispered. "Especially when the dreams started. They're very vivid. I still have them sometimes."
"My apo..." he started.
"Don't. It's the only way I know you're still in there," she said, tapping the side of her head. She took a deep breath before she looked up at him. He really did get taller. "So, what do we do now? We can't actually avoid each other here and, to be honest, I don't really want to."
"I am unable to avoid you," Spock admitted. "I have attempted to do so, however, it is difficult."
Jayme never considered that he actually had a hard time with this too. She was so mad for so long that he ran off to Starfleet that she never considered that it took its toll on him. Looking at him now, she could see the uncertainty in his eyes. Spock was rarely at a loss but even he didn't know what to do.
"You want to avoid me?"
"The only thing I want is your happiness. Whatever I must do to ensure that, I will do."
"So, if I asked you to leave, you'd leave?"
"If that is your wish, yes. I have been offered multiple assignments in various locations. My presence is not required here."
"And if that's not what I want? If I'm finding it next to impossible to stand over here instead of wrap my arms around you and never let go, what would you do then?"
Spock looked at her for a long moment before he made a decision, she could tell just by the set of his shoulders. He crossed the room in three strides before he pulled her against his chest. Jayme buried her face against his collarbone, gripping the back of his shirt as he whispered to her in Vulcan. She didn't have to pay attention to the words to know that he was apologizing, something that most Vulcans would never do. Jayme broke. All the strength that she'd walked into the room with was gone.
"Don't do that to me again. Orders are one thing but you left and you shut me out and I felt like I was gonna die. Don't leave me like that again," Jayme whispered. "I can't…"
"I will be here as long as you wish me to be."