*cries because whenever I talk about anxiety I accidentally give myself anxiety*
Thank you for the suggestions and question SHSL Student! Y'all can ask/suggest whenever cause I still like the idea of making this an immersive story. (Still need help with blog names!) There's gonna be quite a few time skips so just kind of assume that between some of these posts that there's at least a day or two between them.
lonely-hearts-club
"I have an obsession with quotes because people are so much better at putting my feelings into words than I am."
#i'm not the writer of my family #that's more my mom's thing #but i'm good at drawing and painting #i think i might do some more things when i can't find the words to describe myself
lonely-hearts-club
"That's my problem: I think too much, and I feel too deeply. What a dangerous combination." - taking-back-my-life
#^^this #i've always been a pretty deep thinker #and i'm pretty passionate #so when these things combine inside of me it's like blowing up a house and then expecting myself to rebuild it using only what's left #and it's harder when you're trying to keep yourself from doing both of these things #because one way or another it's just gonna come back to bite me in the ass
lonely-hearts-club
"Don't waist your time stressing about things you can't change."
#great #yep #totally cured #hot damn i'm so cured #you should write a book #hahahaha haha ha #this is garbage honestly #do you think that if i could i wouldn't have stressed about it in the first place? #it's just like my feelings for CC #if i could just stop feeling for him then i wouldn't even be here #god this is actually terrible advice for people that stress a lot #we aren't light switches #you legit cannot just tell us to stop and then expect us to just magically not think about these things #yeah sometimes it works for a while #but then there's this thing that's called a depressive circle #and you run right into the exact same problems because hey! #we just ignored our problem instead of actually working to fix it #so it came back to bite us in the ass #so yeah great advice
+ roboshy started following you
Nepeta clicked on the follower, curious that someone else (among the few others) had yet again found an interest in her blog. She nearly screamed when she saw that it was Dirk's blog. Now with both Striders following her it felt like there was a ton of pressure to not accidentally reveal herself. If she knows anything about them, which she does, then she knows that they're quick and accurate with their deductions. Especially since they're apart of her inner circle of close friends then they would know.
As much as she really should be telling her friends about this, she just can't bring herself to do it. Maybe it's something irrational. Maybe it's something well founded. Either way she's scared to do it.
After all, who really likes to tell their friends about what an awful person they are?
lonely-hearts-club
"You never really notice how alone you are until you're walking in public by yourself, just staring at all the couples and the groups of friends. You see the boy wrap his arms around the girl's waist and slowly go in for the kiss. You see the friends sitting on the bench, laughing at something that probably isn't funny to most people but is hysterical to them. And then you see a version of yourself, sitting on the other bench across the lake, swinging your legs back and forth wondering where everything went wrong." - i just feel so alone (via lovelyquotting on instagram)
#it's 3 am #and here i am depressing myself #because this is what i feel when i look at my friends now #i feel isolated in my group #maybe it makes me an awful person but i feel like i'm the only one #like i'm just stuck in the middle #you have the people that are so in love with each other on one side #and then on the other you have the best of friends and the people that are crushing on each other but aren't brave enough to say something #or just the people that are actually content about their lives #how do they do it? #i've forgotten what it's like to be satisfied with where i am #i've forgotten that i even DID feel happy with myself #i'm not even sure when it is i stopped it just happened while i wasn't paying strict attention to it #i'm just so messed up
lonely-hearts-club
- (image) - The black and white picture is of a girl wearing a smiley face mask. Short hair curls around it, and a cat hat hides the messy top. It's a bust image, so there's only part of the body showing in which it's mostly hidden by a trench coat. Around the girl little demons come off of her in waves of shadows, like she's producing an aura of them. Some are like imps, others just creatures with sharp claws and fangs, burning eyes filled with hatred. It only takes a look to tell that they're whispering things to the girl, telling her lies about herself and making her believe that they were painful truths. Above this in slanted writing there's a quote.
"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?" - Daughter by Janice Lee
I saw a quote and thought I'd take it as a challenge.
-KitKat
#kitkat puttytat art #let me just say that sometimes the monster isn't always the one that looks scary and intimidating #sometimes the monster is the one standing in front of you with a smile on their face #and the girl in the picture? #heh #that's me
lonely-hearts-club
I had a really bad panic attack today. We were doing another assignment in class where we could pick partners and I really wanted to ask CC to be my partner yet I couldn't do it because I was so nervous and I just knew he wouldn't want to be my partner anyways. We had to go up to the library so I went up there very quickly and my heart was pounding and running up stairs is a death sentence. I did okay and thought I managed to calm down some but then I started thinking about how CC might have been watching me and I couldn't breathe I almost passed out. It was really bad because I also felt my heart do this weird thing and I can only describe it as when the engine of a car is sputtering and dying, and then it stops and tries to start up again. I freaked out so bad and I think I might have actually passed out a little then.
The worst part is that I did this in the middle of class, where all these people could see me, and no one had asked if I was okay or needed help. In fact when I did get over it, no one was even paying attention to me. And now I can't stop thinking, just how invisible am I really?
-KitKat
#tw: panic attack mention #tw: panic attack #that thing my heart did still freaks me out #i've noticed that it does things similar to this when i start getting anxious #it scares me #i hope it doesn't mean my body is dying #they do say that things like anxiety and depression are silent killers
+ aqua-guardian started following you
+ cakelock-holmes started following you
+ mrdanger-n-adventure started following you
+ thetherapist started following you
Nepeta wanted to scream. Each and every single person in that list of recent follows was someone she knew and who knew her back! She didn't understand how they found her blog, or why they were following her. Well, actually she kind of grasped a concept of why Eridan (aqua-guardian) would follow her blog. From one hopeless person to another right? And Rose (thetherapist) is, well, Rose. Even her blog's title said all that Nepeta needed to know. 'The Therapist that no one wants, yet everyone needs'. It was pretty obvious after a few minutes of scrolling through her blog that she ran her own therapy business and utilized the website to connect people that needed serious help together.
But it confused Nepeta as to why Jane (cakelock-holmes) and Jake (mrdanger-n-adventure) would be following her blog, unless they were onto her. She knew that Jane did have some problems in the department of love, but she had thought that the other girl had gotten over it after graduating from high school and moving onto college. And Jake had Dirk, so why would he want to follow a blog about lonely hearts? Unless...unless they had problems they didn't want to tell others about just like her.
Maybe I should start doing an inventory and figure out just what problems it is my friends are having, she thought. Perhaps, if she can maintain her secret identity as KitKat, she could go around doing a little bit of Rose does, just for her friends.
lonely-hearts-club
I think Sniffer might like CC. And maybe...he likes her too. I don't know. Maybe I'm reading into this too much, like always. But I've seen it happen with every one of my friends that are in relationships now or are crushing on each other. I just...I don't know.
Is it wrong of me to hope that I'm just overreacting?
-KitKat
shsl-student asked:
What do you do if the one you love is interested in someone else?
lonely-hearts-club said:
I become a mess that smells strongly of hypocrite and depression. On one hand I will just stand back. Especially in my case right now because I know I don't have a chance with him anyways. I'll just wish him happiness and hope for the best for him. If he's happy then that should be good enough for me too, right?
But on the other hand... On the other hand I'll start thinking too much. I'll feel angry at myself and then at the other person that holds his interest so much better than I ever can. I'll split the blame, yet the balance of which end will be heavier is always a toss up to who I'm more mad at for the day. Usually it's at myself for being such a coward, or just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for him to want to know me. I'll be mad at myself because it's not me making him smile, it's her. I'll get jealous and be horrified about it. So I'll repress it as much as I can. I'm sure you can figure out where the end of this path leads.
It's already happened to me once before, and I'm afraid that it's happening again now. I hate myself when I'm like this. It's just proof that I'm an awful person. And awful people don't keep their friends around for long, do they?
-KitKat
aqua-guardian asked:
What's anxiety like for you? Most people don't suspect me of having something like this, and sometimes I wonder if I'm faking it just like I get accused when I say I do. I know a lot of people don't like me, and they say so many things about me that are harsh. Sometimes I agree with them. But...I need to know if there really is something I should be worried about.
lonely-hearts-club said:
- (image) -
Sometimes my heart pumps water instead of blood-
And it fills my lungs-
And waters flowers-
Though they're beautiful to look at-
I can't breathe because of them-
It drives my head crazy-
When trees sprout too, in their overcrowding way-
And all that's left is to hack them down-
It's very harsh-
Because they come back just as quickly as I cut them down-
And I struggle to repeat the same actions over-
and over-
and over again-
Only for Success to slowly be replaced with Failure-
Denial-
Frustration-
And Deafeat-
The worst part is, it's always silent. The only loud part about is my thoughts. I can't speak for you, or anyone, on how anxiety truly feels, but I know what's real for me.
And I live with it almost everyday.
-KitKat
#tw: anxiety
lonely-hearts-club
"I'm really afraid to feel happy because it never lasts." - Andy Warhol
#me #some days it's better than others and i know i'm okay #other days i can barely keep a hold of anything that resembles happiness #and then there are the days where i just can't feel anything #i wonder when exactly that point where i hit ''too numb'' occurs
lonely-hearts-club
"Even if you know what's coming, you're never prepared for how it feels." - Natalie Standiford
#oh boy #look #i found my sorry ass in a quote
anonymous asked:
dude, r u ok?
lonely-hearts-club said:
- (image) - The girl in the trench coat with a smiley face mask holds up a sign that says, "I'm Fine."
The universal lie.
-KitKat
#kitkat puttytat art #i'm okay #don't you see the smile on my face? #p.s. #i'm lying