36Yo, sorry I've been gone so long. Someone mentioned a rapid update schedule and suddenly next thing I knew everything had been jinxed X'D. Anyways, I'm sorta back now, so I hope ya'll will forgive me and are still interested in this story. A huge s/o to all the people that reviewed while I was gone, especially the really recent ones, those were a huge motivation for me to get my butt in gear. Also, I'm amazed that so many people faved and followed this story? Like? Wut? Anyways, I'll stop taking up everyone's time with this dumb a/n and let you read the story. Tchüss.
+fly-free started following you
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+dogs-n-guns started following you
+make-miracles-happen started following you
ultimate-student asked:
What is your way of dealing with life? I don't know what to do.
lonely-hearts-club said:
…
I don't know if you can call my methods 'dealing with life' or just flat out avoiding it at this point. I've changed so much that my answers from when I was a more naïve and happier person would sound so ridiculous and cheesy now that it's not even funny. It's basically a foreign concept to me now.
I suppose that now, though, the things that do help me at least cope are music, drawing, and finding relatable quotes. Finding how others can express what I'm feeling makes things seem easier to bear. But… even those are starting to not feel like enough now. I know what it is I should be doing, but I also know that it's not gonna happen until I'm ready to accept it and move on. Scary thing is, I'm not sure that day's ever gonna come.
Sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for.
-KitKat
Nepeta glanced at the clock and sighed. In a little less than half an hour she'd have to 'wake up' and get ready for school. She didn't want to go. The thought of being surrounded by people made her want to curl up into a tight little ball and disappear from existence. She just wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with the things blooming right before her very eyes.
It was pretty obvious to herself that what she was doing was indeed avoiding life over facing it head on. Nepeta wished to be alone constantly, always searching for new excuses to avoid the people that should have been making her happy, becoming so lazy that she ceased to be as outgoing as she once was. This caused her to wrap herself up in a thickly woven blanket of apathy and deny empathy its rightful access. In every way possible it increased her insecurity of the world around her, and shoved her into a self-dug pit of loneliness.
With glazed eyes and an almost robotic thought process, Nepeta went into her saved drafts to answer another ask, seeking a distraction from her own mind.
happypanda65 asked:
Have you ever felt completely alone even though you're with friends and /know/ you should be happy?
lonely-hearts-club said:
Lately that's all I ever feel around my friends. And it really sucs because I'm technically considered one of the more hyperactive members of our group, so now I have to act the part even though that's no where near what I feel now. But… when I'm sure no one's looking I hang back to see how everyone functions without me. It's strange to see how normal everything becomes without my presence there to disrupt it.
And the sad thing is, I can go awhile like this before anyone notices that I'm not there. It's a disheartening thing to view reality by looking at the backs of your friends, isn't it?
-KitKat
lonely-hearts-club
"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want." -Unknown
#i'm at war with myself because of this #it's like i'm split in two #mind vs. heart #a battle that's incredibly hard to resolve #especially if you're broken
Nepeta heavily sat down at the grey lunch table with a sullen stare directed right at the center. The surrounding group of friends jumped slightly at her arrival. A few like Vriska and Kanaya gave her curious looks before finishing up their conversations. Only one was actually brave enough to strike a conversation with her despite the looming aura of irritation that surrounded her.
"Whoa, uh, everything okay there Nep?" Dave tentatively reached out and touched her shoulder. He immediately retracted his hand when he noted how her stare was practically burning holes into the poor, unfortunate table.
"No, I'm not okay," she muttered. "Fucking bullshit is what it is."
"Yikes, Dark Nepeta alert. What happened?"
She would have liked to place the blame on just one particular thing, but it had all been a culmination of irritations up until that current point in time. Her current attitude had been hard to contain because of it. In an attempt to keep trying to rein herself in, she crossed her arms tightly across her abdomen and hunched forward.
It had occurred shortly after she had gotten up to get ready for school. Her mother had been up as well and had gone on a tirade about how she needed to get a job. The rant had been one of many similar from previous weeks beforehand, but today's rant had been the ultimate one. Nepeta had understood where her mother had been coming from beforehand, had even agreed with her up to a certain point, but she just didn't want to. All the jobs available were in the fast food industry and she knew for a fact that she wouldn't be able to handle it. No sense in adding to her anxiety anymore than she already was, but her mother didn't know about that. Instead she had made a big deal about it and caused Nepeta to snap at her, effectively bringing her a step closer to being grounded.
Then after that her first class of the day, Financial Literacy, had basically gone and reiterated her mother's schpiel in the most inconvenient way possible. She always knew she hated Dave Ramsey, but now she knew to exactly what extent. The irresistible desire to throw the balding man into the sun said it all.
And then just before lunch was her Language Arts class. God she hated that class. More specifically she hated that teacher and just who all she shared that hour with.
She had started off drawing, as per usual. The drawing had turned into a roughly sketched portrait of Karkat, and her nagging tag along voice had made her feel paranoid that someone would look at it and get the wrong idea. So she was then forced to listen to her teacher pretend he could act. Just the thought of the man's horrendous narration almost made her cringe. Nepeta may not have been much of a writer, but she could recognize the abuse of commas and periods when she heard them. Altogether her teacher had totally been butchering Shakespeare.
Finally having had enough of it, she had tuned the man out and let her eyes roam listlessly over the room. From her vantage point she could see everyone except for the guys right on her peripheral, the seats having been arranged like an amphitheater to give their unit of study a more realistic vibe. When she had reached one specific asshole's desk she had caught him staring at her. Eridan had quickly looked away and pretended he hadn't been doing anything aside from following along with the teacher, but she knew.
The prick had been a thorn in her side all week. Nevermind all the usual stuff he did, his persistence went beyond harassment. Was it really that much of her to ask that all he did was get the message and leave her alone? Sometimes she thought the nickname she had dubbed him on her blog, Fish Brain, was an exceedingly appropriate one.
Even as these thoughts ran through her mind, only a fourth of it made it out of her mouth.
"My mom's been getting on my case about getting a job again," she sighed, moving her folded arms to the table top and resting her chin upon them. "Problem is I don't want to work in a fast food joint, but there's nowhere else that's hiring."
"Whale, I can always convince my boss at the aquarium to make room for another employee if ya'd like," Feferi called from the other end of the table.
Huh, so other people actually were listening.
Nepeta's gaze seemed to be magnetically wired to find any romantic signs in a couple, drawn to the way Feferi leaned into Sollux, or how there hands sat on top of the table intertwined, or even the way Sollux tilted his head to rest against Feferi's. She wrinkled her nose at the sight before she could stop herself. Hot iron pierced her heart and temporarily seized her lungs. They were so in love that it was physically starting to hurt her just to look at it.
To cover up the slip she pinned the blame on an easy target.
"Thanks for the offer, Fef, but I don't want to work the same job as Ampora."
"I wouldn't let the cat girl work there anyways," Nepeta went straight as a rod, clutching the edges of the table so tightly her knuckles turned white. "She'd probably scare off all the fish or eat them."
Eridan Ampora, the devil of the hour, sauntered around the table and placed himself right smack dab across from her. His messenger bag slipped from his shoulder and hit the ground with an attention garnering thump. The action practically screamed challenge in her face, and she bristled. Everything about him really pissed her off. From the violet streak in his hair, to those gaudy hipster frames hanging on the bridge of his nose, right down to his rotten, selfish personality. She hated it all.
"Piss off!"
"Easy there Nep!" Dave accepted the death sentence the moment he grabbed her arm to restrain her, as she had stood up so suddenly. She turned her glare on him and he froze. Slowly, like creeping lava, heat bloomed and dominated her cheeks, her entire head. Her chest heaved up and down, building in speed, devolving in regularity. Nepeta cast a quick glance at all her friends and saw varying looks of surprise- the worst appearing frightened. It was enough to blur her vision.
She tugged her arm out of Dave's grasp and snatched her backpack off the ground. Before anyone could stop her she was bolting out of the lunchroom as fast as she could, all the while shielding her face from prying eyes. Behind her she heard someone, she couldn't tell who, nor was she certain that she cared anyways, tell Eridan to go after her. Someone else tried calling her back. But it didn't mean anything to her. It was all noise. Spinning, crashing, and colliding with the blood rushing heavily in her ears. She blindly found an empty hallway and collapsed against a wall, panting raggedly as hot tears made the already unbearable heat worse.
How could I do that?! How could I snap at Dave like that? Why did I have to let go of that ugly emotion and show it to everyone? Oh god, they're not gonna look at me the same. My secret's blown. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!
Idiot, that's what you get for holding onto things for so long. Your precious facade slipped and now you've shown some of your cracks. But at least now you're gonna get some of that help you've always been moping about wanting. Unless that's now changed?
Shut up! Just shut up! I don't know, okay? I want help, but not from them! I need their help, but also I don't want their help! I just- I just- Leave me alone!
Hypocrite.
Go away!
Going away would be like erasing one side of a coin. In other words, I can't. You and I are the same person after all.
No, no, no! You're not me! You are not me! I'm not-
Honest? Well, you've got that right. And in a way I suppose I'm not you either since I'm not a coward. Always skirting around your feelings when you're with your friends, pretending that you're alright, it's pathetic. You're horrible.
Nepeta stifled a growing sob, burying her face in her knees. She hated how right this extra voice of hers was. If she were to be truly honest with herself then it was merely a more cynical version of herself, just as unhappy as she was with how she was behaving and getting on to her because of it. The realization hits her full force and causes her heart to jolt off course.
She clutches her chest and gasps. A low whine squeezes its way out of her throat and past her lips.
It hurts…, she internally cried out.
"...peta!" A hand on her arm made her jump, her head snapping back and hitting the wall. Wincing, her hands flew up to grip the aching spot, an extra set not attached to her hovering and fluttering around anxiously.
As the throbbing eased away she slowly looked up to see just who exactly had found her. It took her a moment to focus on the face, tears obstructing her vision blurring spots and lines, but the violet streak running through hickory colored hair was unmistakeable. Even though she hated him, loathed his very being, she couldn't find it in herself to care anymore. Instead she simply relaxed against the wall, wiping tears and snot off her face with the sleeve of her jacket.
Eridan was crouched in front of her, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. For a second he fidgeted with something in his pocket before pulling it out and handing it to her. She hesitantly took the item- a violet handkerchief with his initials embroidered in royal blue on a corner- and used it to dab at her abused skin. The silence enveloped them, save for Nepeta's constant sniffling, and they studied each other unsurely.
Finally, "Nepeta, I'm sorry. You were right when you said that it was wrong of me to use you as an emotional tantrum punching bag, and I saw that the other day at the skate park. And- And I'm sorry that I'm still being an asshole even now that I know better. I think I've just gotten so used to being a jerk to you that I don't know how to stop. I didn't mean to make you cry today. I'm sorry."
What about all the other times you've made me cry?
He doesn't know about those, remember? And if you're serious about this then he's not gonna find out, is he?
"That's a start," she answered hoarsely, swallowing multiple times to rid herself of the mucus she had accumulated during her cry. "But I'm not just gonna forgive you so easily, if that's what you're expecting."
He shook his head, wearing a strangely bittersweet look on his tanned face. "I'm not that much of a fool to expect easy forgiveness. I screw things up too much every day of my existence that it's a miracle anyone would even consider something like that for me."
Eridan shook his head and slowly got to his feet. He held out his hand to her, and for the longest time she stared at it. The edges of her vision were trimmed in fog, but the lines of Eridan's palm were as clear and sharp as if they had been placed under a magnifying glass. One line in particular caught her attention. It almost stretched across his entire palm, but with plenty of breaks and slashes cutting it into pieces, all except the very end of it, which was long and went undisrupted. She faintly recalled reading somewhere that in palm reading that line was the line of love, and that all the breaks in the line were supposed to be challenges to his love life. She didn't know why looking at Eridan's hand had reminded her of this, but it was interesting nonetheless.
Nepeta reached out and took his hand, feeling her weight shift as he pulled her up. As she went up, her backpack went down. It hit the floor and scattered a few of her notebooks, sketchbooks included, across the white tile. The old sketchbook flipped open and landed on the page where she had been designing the club insignia, complete with all of her notes on the matter. Both she and Eridan stared at the page until Nepeta came to her senses and dived to the ground to hurriedly gather all of her items.
She shoved them into her backpack quickly and popped back up in record time, her heart pounding madly.
"Thanks, Eridan, but I need to go now. I'll return your handkerchief after I wash it," She spun on her heels and dashed down the hall, shoving the aforementioned handkerchief deep into her pocket.
Desperately, madly, she prayed that Eridan hadn't made the connection between her and the blog.
Nepeta spent the better majority of her time at home after school reassuring her friends that she was alright, that she had just been too stressed out and had snapped under the pressure, and that Eridan had indeed come to apologize to her. It was a tiresome chore, but if it meant people would leave her alone, so be it.
At one point she had even received a bonus message from Tavros, much to her surprise. After checking in on her he had offered her a job, saying that his dad needed extra hands. She had jumped at the offer. Now she could get her mother off of her back and she didn't have to work in a fast food industry. Nepeta was glad that Tavros's father ran a pet shop over something else. Animals were relatively easy to work with and could maybe even help her with her anxiety.
Setting her phone aside with a lighthearted smile, she pulled her laptop closer to her and opened the internet browser. In just a few clicks, short and quick strokes of the keyboard, and the few seconds of load time, she was logged into her tumblr account.
The first thing that caught her attention was the blue 1 above the little message bubble. Curious, she clicked on it wondering what it was for. A drop down box appeared and she studied it, gathering that it was a message center. And the person she was receiving a message from was none other than aqua-guardian, a.k.a, Eridan.
She clicked on it. In one short sentence her calmness was shattered.
aqua-guardian:
Nepeta, I know this is you.