544A/N: Thank you.
Disclaimer: I have no rights.
What You Wanted
"What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…
Chapter Two
One foot in front of the other.
Take it day by day.
All the clichéd mantras that the visitors and medical staff were spouting off terrorized her thoughts as she lay in her bed staring up at the ceiling. They were empty platitudes, nothing but meaningless words repeated by people to make themselves feel better.
Really, what they wanted to say was, 'better you than me.'
Kate closed her eyes, willing the tears to stay trapped within the barriers of her lashes. She wouldn't allow herself to cry anymore today. The sobs that wracked through her chest this morning had left her eyes dry in the end, yet now as the pain split through her side she wasn't surprised to discover her body had plenty of tears left to shed.
"How're you feeling?"
Castle.
He shouldn't see her like this, so raw, so broken. She took a minute, gnawing on her bottom lip to stifle the pain as she allowed his voice to ease over her like a balm, working to cure everything that ailed her.
The delicate war dance in her mind, equal parts wanting to let him help and being terrified of him seeing too much of her struggle...
It was a dangerous balance and she had never been a talented tight rope walker. When the throbbing along her incision eased to a manageable dull ache, she met his concerned expression, trying to force a playful smirk onto her lips.
"Feeling like I was shot in the chest," she joked, a dry tone coloring her voice removed all humor from the words.
Castle's face fell for a second, before he seemed to catch himself and a reassuring smile stretched across his face. Her heart clenched. He didn't deserve her hostility and she definitely didn't deserve his kindness, not when her responses were on autopilot. A snarky defense she had put in place over the last few weeks in the hospital, having had her fill of pity and fake concern from others.
"Beckett, I didn't mean – "
"No, I know." She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut again, before bracing herself to look into his all too caring gaze. "Castle, I'm sorry. I'm already snapping at you and we haven't even left the hospital."
"Hey, hey. It's fine. I'll pretend we're at the precinct," he teased, turning back to pull the armchair closer to her bedside. He was the most understanding person she had ever met, almost to a fault. His kindness was his true weakness.
Reaching over, trying to avoid pulling at her skin, she grabbed his hand and offered him a small squeeze. It was a small gesture, but it was enough to lighten the hazy color of his eyes into a brighter, vibrant blue. The feeling of his skin against hers warmed her cheeks. She cleared her throat, pushing down her nerves to offer him a quiet explanation. "It's not okay, Castle. You've been great and I've been- I just hope you know that I do appreciate it."
She should explain further, tell him that the hole in her chest is the least of what was broken inside of her, but her mouth wouldn't move anymore. Words were caught in her throat and she sank back into her over-starched pillow.
"How about we just take baby steps?"
Her eyes narrowed from the question before arching her eyebrow in response.
"Baby steps?" she asked, nearly laughing.
"Yes. Like today, you're leaving the hospital."
"Uh huh." She played along with a nod, patronizing his explanation.
"See. You're not messing that up."
"Castle, if I manage to mess up being discharged, I think I'd belong in a padded room," she snapped.
"Baby steps," he repeated, gently squeezing her fingers as he spoke. Well, one thing was for sure, even after all the deathbed declarations, they could still be them. He could still get under her skin like no one she had ever known.
"If you say baby steps one more time…"
"Okay, so I've found one thing to avoid saying over the summer," he teased with a wink. "See, we're already learning."
"This is a big house right?"
"Funny. At least you're feeling up to making jokes. Don't worry, plenty of space for you to have alone time when we're there."
"I don't want to be alone," she admitted, softly, his eyes warming from the confession. "But it's good to know that if I need it-"
"If you need it, all you have to do is ask."
He'd do anything for her if she asked. She knew that.
That was what worried her.
The ride to the Hamptons was quiet.
Surprisingly so.
Castle had always been the type that had the habit of filling comfortable silences with mindless chatter. Useless facts and statements would fly from his mouth in rapid succession. There was never a quiet moment with him, until today.
It was too much. The silence left a thick tension in the air, almost suffocating her as she sank further into the leather seat.
Beckett turned her head, peering at him through her lowered eyelashes, and just watched. She couldn't help it. In all her years of knowing him, she'd never known him to be this anxious, the nervous energy twitching through his fingertips.
"Say something." The words rushed from her lips before her common sense could stop her from speaking. Castle winced, looking over at her with a guilty expression.
"Silence wasn't the way to go?" She shook her head with a slight smile. "I didn't want to drive you crazy the entire trip. I was trying to be careful."
"Castle, I don't want you to be careful. I'm coming to the Hamptons with you to be with, you." She reached over and placed her hand on top of his right hand, lightly squeezing. "Please don't walk on eggshells around me."
"I just want to help you, Kate."
"And that's enough."
It had to be, because internally her mind was spiraling, unconsciously listing all the ways this summer would be better spent alone at her dad's cabin. She was trying to not to have regrets, to just be grateful for Castle's hospitality, but she couldn't stop the doubts. If she was going to be with him this summer, she needed to filter herself. She couldn't let him see the true ugliness of what this bullet had done to her. body and mind
She would pretend to be strong, for him.
In the moments she couldn't keep it together, she was grateful that the steady flow of narcotics slithering through her veins would allow her hide in her dreams.
Sleep was always welcome.
If only she could manage a dreamless sleep, now that would be a gift.
Mid sentence, Castle turned his head and found his partner passed out, pressed against the glass of the passenger side window. Her mouth was hanging open with a tiny bit of drool clinging to her bottom lip.
She looked cute.
He smiled at her. She amazed him, every day, but the fact that even looking so exhausted, even the way her body was bruised and battered from the days of hell since the shooting, she was still cute...
No, not cute; she was beautiful. Extraordinary, no less than when he first laid his eyes on her. If anything, these last couple of months have proven that she was even more than what he had initially imagined. It didn't matter what life threw at her, he'd never find Kate Beckett to be anything other than perfect.
This summer it was his goal to prove to her how amazing she truly was and he knew how fortunate he was to even have the opportunity to have this time with her.
Agreeing to come to the Hamptons with him was a huge step for her and it had honestly surprised him. She could have run away and hidden from the world.
Hidden from him…
Yet, here she was, basking in the warmth of the sunshine as he pulled off the highway onto the city streets. There were so many little things he wanted to point out to her as he weaved his car through traffic, but that would have to be saved for another day. She was here with him for the summer. He was given the gift of time
After all the missed opportunities, spending so much of their partnership imagining the day he could bring her up here with him. The fact that she'd finally agreed to come now, this was a big step.
This was important and he'd treasure that.
He wanted to make sure she wouldn't regret it, trying to keep everything in a careful balance for her. If he could give her the world, he would, but there was a difference between what he thought she needed and what he could only assume she wanted.
He loved her, but he had to give her time.
All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and protect her from anyone and anything that wanted to hurt her, but she wasn't ready. For some reason Kate felt that she needed to be better, be more. It was the furthest thing from the truth.
He wouldn't push her. She needed to see it for herself, on her own. Kate needed to realize that she didn't have to be anything more than what she already was.
There was nothing wrong with self betterment. People learned more and grew more every day, figuring out ways to improve their lives or situations. He understood the desire, but Beckett's plight was misguided. The concept of needing to be better for him. She was already more than he could ever deserve in life; every single one of his wishes come true, wrapped up in her kickass, take charge self.
If only she could see herself the way he did, the way the rest of the world saw her.
She was nothing short of amazing and if anything, he would never be worthy of her.
Blinded.
White splotches veiled her vision as her eyes cracked open enough to add 'splitting headache' to the list of pains that plagued her abused body for the day. Kate pushed the heels of her palms against her eye sockets, in effort to remove the sparks of light from her sight.
When she was a child, her mother had constantly yelled at her when she would stare at the sky for too long. Johanna had warned her of permanent damage to her vision, but at the time she'd just scoffed and rolled her eyes. The warmth from the sun made her feel alive, like anything was possible.
Yet, years later the sunlight was a fickle friend streaming down on her as she almost bled to death on the bright spring day twenty one days ago.
Twenty one days of a constant battle…
"Beckett?"
His voice startled her from the memory of that day. She jerked her head far too quickly toward the sound, pulling at the new skin forming beneath the thick gauze bandage that she still wore as if it was a security blanket. She bit back a cry at the sharp pain that shot through each tattered nerve ending, tired from overuse. Castle looked panicked for a moment and she could only imagine the pain her eyes held. She needed to try harder to not show how badly she felt. She needed to be better for him. Straightening her spine, she swallowed down the pain and focused on the quiet concern in his expression.
"Yeah, Castle?" She forced her lips into a fleeting attempt at a smile. "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep."
"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice tight, blinking away the fear his eyes held. She could tell that he was being strong for her as well.
She nodded, trying her best to give him some sort of reassurance. "I'm fine. I promise. Skin just pulled a bit."
"You're probably due for another pain pill. It's a good thing we're finally here."
Her concentration wavered as she finally caught sight of the house in front of them. It was gorgeous, like 'belonged in a magazine' perfect. She sometimes forgot who he really was, lost track of the fact that Castle was somewhat of a celebrity. But in moments like this, staring at his vacation home, the reality of the situation was jarring.
This was the man who had tried to save her life, almost took a bullet for her. He just happened to also be her favorite author who had kept her alive all those years ago through his words when the world looked bleak and uncaring after her mother's murder. Now, he was her personal savior again, here in the flesh, opening his home to her because he loved her.
'I love you, Kate.'
His beautiful words still haunted her dreams. The constant worry. What if she could never be good enough for him? She took a deep breath. This wasn't the time to worry about that...
Healing first. Mind and body, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Looking around as he helped her out of the car, she couldn't stop her mouth from hanging open.
"Castle, this place is amazing."
He beamed at her, pride swelling in his chest as his shoulders lowered. Her words seemed to calm some unspoken worry in his mind.
"And this is just the outside," he added, his body now practically buzzing with excitement. "Just wait until you see the room that I had my housekeeper set up for you."
She stuttered to a stop, frozen near the front steps.
"Set up for me? I don't want you to go to a lot of trouble for me."
He placed his hand against her lower back, so carefully like she was made of porcelain. The way she felt right now as she leaned into his touch, she felt like she might be. She tried to take a deep breath, struggling at the inhale, but his hand steadied her.
"It's no trouble at all, I promise. I just figured it would be easier for you to be on the first floor." She hummed in agreement. "Best to avoid the stairs right now, so you're staying in the master bedroom."
"You're giving up your room?" she asked, turning toward him.
"Kate, it's just a room. It's not important. You are."
Her battered heart fluttered from his words and a rush of warmth flooded her cheeks.
"Castle…" she sighed, looking down at her hands. It was all too much. She couldn't help but think of all the hundreds of other women whom he could have spent the summer with, far less complicated women. It didn't seem worth it. Finding the courage to meet his eyes again, she found him staring back at her, like he knew every last fear that she just had.
"You're worth it. Don't ever doubt that."
She couldn't respond, panicking that she had actually spilled all her secrets out loud, but in reality, he could always read her like an open book. It was their unexplainable connection.
After a moment, she swallowed down the traitorous emotion that crept up her throat and nodded.
"Thanks, Castle," she murmured, as her heart still battled against all the anxiety flowing through her system. She could never repay him for everything he had done for her. There was no way he would ever realize how grateful she truly was…
How much she wanted to be able to love him one day like he truly deserved...
"Come on. Let me show you around and then I can get our bags," he said, smiling as he ushered her into the house.
"Hey, Castle?" she asked, tugging at his arm as he moved onto the steps. He turned back toward her, quirking his head to the side.
"Yeah?"
Carefully, she leaned forward and brushed a whisper of a kiss against his cheek.
"Thank you."
"Wha-"
She pressed a single finger against his lips to silence his words and she gave her head one small shake.
"For now, it's all I have. Just - thank you."
tbc
Thank you for reading. I love and appreciate every single review. All the support for chapter one has blown me away!
xoxo
Thanks to my lovely betas for making my words make sense.