544To: Alex, Esther, Alex and Evan - thanks for always putting a smile on my face.
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What You Wanted
"What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…
Chapter Seven
The haphazard patterns of the plaster on the bedroom ceiling seemed to be mocking her, leaving her questioning her own sanity. She couldn't even blame the pain medicine anymore because she had successfully weaned herself off of it.
No, this bout of self-deprecating psychosis was entirely her own doing – her stupid heart conflicting with her logic driven mind.
All because she had kissed Castle.
She idiotically, enthusiastically kissed him and she didn't know what to do with herself. The rest of that evening they had skirted around the issue and successfully went back to what they were good at – avoidance.
Now a week later, it was still invading her thoughts and starring in her dreams, but they hadn't discussed it. They'd been doing so well, opening up to each other far more than was the norm for them and she broke that, broke them, all because she couldn't keep her emotions in check. Still, as much as she should regret it, she couldn't bring herself to.
The kiss was amazing, heartbreaking and perfect.
Why couldn't things be easy between them? She sank further into the pillow and threw the blanket over her head, maybe she would just stay in bed all day.
A quiet knock caught her attention and she reluctantly wiggled out from beneath the blanket cocoon. Her eyes traveled toward the sound then flickered toward the doorknob as it slowly started to turn.
"Kate?" Her name hung in the air and then silence. Castle remained hidden, hesitating behind the door, almost like he was unsure what he was doing at the doorway in the first place.
"I'm here, Castle," she sighed, acknowledging him, shaking her head at the theatrics.
"Is it okay if I come in?" His voice was reluctant, yet the question made her silently laugh.
"When has that ever stopped you before?" she mused with a smirk as he popped his head around before finally entering the room with his eyes downcast.
"Ouch – but you're right." He lifted his gaze and winked at her, smiling. It was like he was trying to regain some of his confidence, yet he was still hovering by the door.
She swung her legs across the mattress, dangling her feet over the edge, biting back the wince as she tried to ignore the pull of her stiff muscles. Her physical therapist told her it was normal to still feel it – a phantom ache. Even though it seemed like they'd been in the Hamptons forever, it really hadn't been all that long. She was just desperate to return to her normal activities again, well, as normal as she could be.
Meeting his eyes, she lifted her eyebrow at him.
"Castle?"
He shook his head, as if he was clearing the fog from his thoughts. This summer had changed the way he acted around her. She hadn't seen his Page Six celebrity persona at all. He was being himself, without the masks or the distractions.
Her best friend.
She patted the empty space next to her, inviting him closer, and he smiled.
"Sorry, I – um I was just checking on you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat down. "It's past noon. You're normally up long before I am…"
Damn. He was right. She hated when he was right.
Honestly though, what could she tell him that wouldn't leave him feeling like she regretted what happened?
"I'm –"
"Are you hiding from me?" Castle blurted out the question, nudging her arm, trying to seem casual and she instantly felt worse than before. His eyes were warm, all previous tentativeness gone. She could tell he knew he was right, the question wasn't even necessary.
"Wow. No?" She sounded defensive which was ridiculous, she wasn't fooling anyone. "Castle, I don't –"
"I know what you're thinking." He laid his hand against the bare skin of her leg, his fingertips grazing her knee cap.
"You know what I'm thinking? I doubt –"
"I'm a novelist. It's like our sixth sense, that and the fact that I've been following you around for awhile." He laughed, combing his free hand through his hair. "I know how you completely over analyze everything. I can see it on your face."
"I don't overanalyze…" He gave her a knowing look and she tucked her chin against her chest. "Right."
"We kissed." His words hung in the silence of the room, burning her ears. He said it so matter-of-factly, like it was the most normal thing in the world and she'd be lying if she said she didn't wish it was.
Her eyes focused on his palm still caressing her leg, the touch both, soothing and stimulating, was driving her mad. He really needed to stop doing that if she wanted to concentrate at all.
"And we shouldn't have –"
With a squeeze, he moved his hand from her leg to along her jaw line. He tipped her face up to meet his eyes, the pad of his thumb lightly brushing against the worry etched in her skin.
"And it was perfect," he said, correcting her.
"Castle…" She closed her eyes, trying to breathe, trying not to think about how right he was.
"Kate, it was a kiss, not a proposal," he whispered, his words warming her cheeks. "It doesn't have to mean all the scary things that I'm sure you're thinking of in your head."
"Doesn't it though?" Her voice was raspy as she pushed away from him, needing space to think. She needed air and his touch on her skin was entirely distracting. His presence jumbled her thoughts and started to make her think that maybe it really wouldn't be so hard. She shook her head. The idea was a fairy tale; real life didn't work that way. Everything couldn't be packaged up with a nice little bow. The hero didn't always win; the guy didn't always get the girl. Real life was hard. Drawing a long breath, she let the oxygen fill her lungs, working to calm her nerves before she met his eyes again. "Isn't it everything that we're eventually moving towards? Kissing you was jumping the gun – before I was actually ready for a relationship…"
He offered her a soft smile, filled with more understanding than he should possibly have left for her neurotic way of thinking. Reaching forward, Castle ran his hand along her upper arm, the touch centering her on him again and moving her further from her frantic thoughts.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Mmhmm."
"Do you want me to date other people?"
Her eyes flew up to meet his. There was no way he could possibly think…?
"What!? No. Of course not!" What if…? "Do you want to date other people?"
"No. Do you want to date anyone else?"
"No – Castle." She combed her hands through hair, tugging the tangled strands for a moment before she turned back to him. "Are we fooling ourselves here?" she asked on a sigh, leaning forward to rest her forward against his shoulder, breathing in the welcoming scent of him. She relaxed as he rubbed his hands down her back as she hummed. God, she knew she was fooling herself.
"I haven't wanted to date other people in a really long time, Kate," he admitted, dropping his chin as his lips brushed onto the top of her head as he spoke. "Hell, even getting back with Gina was a mistake because I honestly can't tell you when it happened, but I haven't wanted anyone else but you in a really long time."
Her bruised heart hammered against her chest as his words sank in, words that she had known to be true, but she had always tried hiding from them, unable to face the truth in the light of day. Now that it was all laid out before them, she couldn't help but feel absolutely terrified.
"I'm going to ruin it," she whispered, looking up at him and the tenderness in his gaze stole her breath all over again. There was no way she was going to survive this. "I'm going to ruin us, Castle. I'm not good at this and it's all going to…"
She shook her head, letting the words die on her tongue. It was all excuses invented from fear. His eyes seemed to search hers from some unspoken permission as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. The touch of his lips on her skin again ignited a confidence within her, giving her the strength to continue. Clearing her throat, she offered him a smile before brushing her fingertips along the sharp angles of his jaw.
"Rick, I wanted to kiss you and we did and now what if there's no going back with us…"
"Do you want to go back? Go back to when you didn't know how I felt? Go back to when you couldn't lean against me when you needed to? Go back to not holding my hand when you're scared and make that adorable little whimper while we're watching a scary movie? Because I don't – I want all of that and more…" He seemed out of breath when he stopped, his eyes wild, insistent.
"Castle, what are you saying?"
"What would be different about us being in a relationship?"
"Everything. It could change…" Her voice fell silent. She was an idiot. How could she not have seen?
"Kate?" He tucked the loose curl behind her ear, gently caressing her cheek as her eyes fluttered closed for a moment before meeting his stare again.
"I'm scared to death," she confessed. "Someone is trying to kill me, Castle."
"I know, but we'll find them. I promise you – "
"I'm pretty sure there aren't any leads or the boys would've called us."
"We'll figure it out together, Kate."
"I was shot and I'm still healing. My life is still in shambles and the only sliver of normalcy is you. I can't lose you, Rick. I can't risk that if we don't work…" She could feel her eyes well up with tears, but she choked it back, refusing to cry anymore over what had happened to her.
Before she could say anything more, Castle pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I promise you, no matter what, you will never lose me."
"I'm going to mess this up." Her lips brushed against the cotton of his plaid shirt, sinking further against the wall of his chest.
"I'm sure I will too at one point. It's okay to be human."
"Just human," she repeated with a nod. Sitting here with him, it felt right, safe.
Her mind was reeling. They were set up to fail, and all the ways it could go wrong flashed across her thoughts, but then the hidden truth was uncovered.
In this moment, she didn't want to run away. She didn't want to hide.
Not from him.
Not anymore.
"Okay."
"Okay?" he asked, smiling.
"I'm not strong enough to fight it – not anymore. I want you, Castle. I just want you." Her nose grazed against his, lightly dancing before she leaned all the way forward and claimed his mouth.
Tbc
Thanks for reading everyone! I look forward to hearing what you thought about this chapter!
xoxo