"Look! Up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a Reppu!"





a parody of many things, mostly Kantai Collection


Disclaimer: Kantai Collection is owned by Kadokawa and DMM. Please support the official release.



Kaga Tosa was meant to be the second member of the Tosa class battleships, a SUPAA NAGATO a.k.a. BEEEG BEEEG SEBEN.

However, her peaceful people of Hachi-Hachi Kantai, the Eight-Eight Fleet, was mugged by the evil Washington Naval Treaty!

"Ridin' over your clique~ Like the Delaware, son," rapped Washington Naval Treaty. "I'll get my face on the dollar Before this shit's done!"

"Tasukette," groaned Hachi-Hachi Kantai-chan, who lay beneath her attacker's boots. "Onegai…"


But enough of the History Channel.

Sensing the coming scrapping and scuttling of hulls determined to be excess or illegal, Kaga's older sister Tosa Tosa did the unthinkable: She, a proud dreadnought of the IJN battle line, entrusted the young Kaga to an upstart newcomer who showed great promise.

"Hoshou-san," begged the kowtowed Tosa. "Please take good care of Kaga-chan for me!"

"I'll treat her as my own daughter," the first purpose-built aircraft carrier promised the desperate battleship.

"Thank you…" Tosa ruffled her incomplete sister's hair. "I guess this is farewell, Kaga-chan..."

"Nooo! Tosa-oneechan! Don't go!"

"You must become strong, Kaga. Stronger than me. Stronger than Hoshou-san."

"Oneechan! Tosa-oneechan!"


Loli!Kaga threw her arms around the ten fuel drums, twenty ammo boxes, forty steel barrels, and three bars of bauxite that had once been her older sister. She lifted her tearful face up to the sky and uttered a skyward scream.



"Hold on just a minute!" protested the Author's secretary ship, Murakumo. "Tosa was not scrapped. Her fate was serving as target practice for the IJN to test her armor scheme, and at the end of it she was scuttled by opening her Kingston valves and flooding her compartments. I would know because I was still operational around that time, though they decommissioned and scuttled me later that year."

Look, Murakumo, I'm trying to be funny by making 2-4-11 scrapping jokes… which I realized isn't that funny anymore since I have come to like Naka thanks to Kant-O-Celle Quest… and I can't make fun of the Fusou class anymore because kct likes them... I'm running out of patsies -_-

"Furthermore, Tosa and Kaga are sister ships. So they should be the same age."

I went with Tosa being older because I was parodying Superman's origin story. And why are you nitpicking, anyway?

"You need to do your research fully and properly! Remember how you believed 'Enterprise' and 'Enterprize' were pronounced differently and made it one of the major issues of HMS Enterprise? Wasn't it embarrassing to be proven wrong and have to correct your story post?"

Not really… I was really thankful for the discussion and correction...

"Then there was the time you thought sabot rounds left the interiors of tanks relatively undamaged because you believed the splinters generated by the penetrating round could only kill people and not ignite ammunition or fuel."

Hey! I was young and stupid back then!

"And then there was the time you mistook Terrace for Barricade..."

Fine, fine, I'll rewrite the entire thing! Sheesh, you're so pushy… but I still like you precisely because of that...

"Whaaat? Sheo… you…" The red-faced Murakumo brandished her two 18-inch torpedo tubes. "I'll make you eat these Fiume torpedoes!"


Anyway. Let's redo Tosa's last moments.

A battle line of IJN warships faced the young Tosa. Biplane bombers and torpedo planes buzzed overhead.

This was not practice. This is for real. For keeps.

Neither was it a battle. For battles are fought between at least two forces, however balanced or lopsided the odds.

No. This was an execution. A bullet to the back of the head of Old Yeller. The State exercising its legal right of murder.

"Hiiieee," groaned Hiei, who looked so depressed that the Author decided not to bully her just this once.

"This… this is not all right," Haruna sniffled.

"Just this once," Kirishima whispered to herself. "Could not my calculations have been wrong?"

"She's too young," Nagato sobbed. "My cousin is far too young and cute to die this way..."

"Forgive your weak cousins, Tosa-chan," Mutsu apologized to the young girl whom they were supposed to strike down.

"I do forgive you," Tosa replied calmly. She gave Hoshou a relieved smile. "Hoshou-san. Please take care of Kaga-chan for me."

"I'll treat her as my own daughter." This Housho promised as she drew an arrow from her quiver, being part of the firing squad tapped for this duty.

"Thank you…" Tosa aimed a sad smile at her sister. "I guess this is farewell, Kaga..."

"Nooo! Tosa-oneechan! Don't do this!"

"You must become strong, Kaga. Stronger than me. Stronger than Hoshou-san."

"Oneechan! Tosa-oneechan!"

"Ready. Aim."

Battlecruiser Kongou, still one of the most powerful warships of the IJN and definitely its most senior frontline capital ship, issued the orders with a preternatural calm and a crisp tone that belied her immense shame.

Following this cruel but necessary sacrifice, the so-called 'Indestructible' shall spend time under the sun to darken her pale skin, dye her white hair brown, wear contact lenses to hide her crimson eyes, ditch her flowing royal purple gown for a brief version of the traditional shrine maiden outfit, and forever renounce British aloofness while embracing BURNING LOVE to the fullest as a show of her repentance.

(Her love of tea, however, remained constant. She just changed the color from green to black.)

But for now she kept her upper lip stiff for Emperor and country. For now she remained the flagship of this Oriental Fleet.

The assembled battleships elevated their naval rifles. Hoshou drew back her bowstring and held her torpedo plane arrow in readiness to let fly in the name of the Empire.

"Sink," Kongou ordered. "Sink!"

Tosa filled her lungs for one last cry. Not of defiance, but of courage and loyalty to her navy and people and god-emperor, whom she loved with all of her heart and soul.

"TENNO HEIKA BANZAI!" Tosa yelled as the incoming deluge of ordnance blotted out the sun. 'May His Majesty the Emperor live ten thousand years!'

Loli!Kaga screamed.


There. Historically and technically accurate! What do you think, Murakumo?

Murakumo had fallen on her knees. Her face was now as pale as her hair. She clutched her shivering self.

"What have I done?" she realized. "I've given him an opening to write something dark and depressing... I am become Death, destroyer of worlds..."

Oh. Oh, dear. I accidentally broke her. Um, sorry, Murakumo...

"Honored predecessor!"

In charged another Murakumo. Turns out that the Murakumo reduced to a sobbing wreck is the British-built 1898 torpedo boat destroyer, not her Fubuki class successor (nearly five times the displacement but the same ratio of tsun to dere), though they did resemble each other.

"Sheo… you…" Murakumo (1928) brought up one of her triple-tube Type 93 torpedo launcher mounts in a threatening manner. I'll make you eat these Oxygen Torpedoes!"

...worth it.


As promised, Hoshou raised little Kaga. The venerable carrier taught the young ex-battleship everything she knew.

"Give Type Thirteen!" Loli!Kaga ordered in a royal tone fit for an imperial princess.

"Here you go." And Hoshou kindly surrendered her Smith-designed Mitsubishi B1M torpedo bomber.

Now the carrier eyed Hoshou's Mitsubishi 1MF biplane fighter with gimlet eyes full of green envy. "Give Type Ten!"

"Of course, dear," Hoshou placated her.


"Why is Hoshou-san not correcting Loli!Kaga's bratty behavior?" asked Murakumo (1928). "Yes, she is a gentle woman, but she is also a mother who must discipline a child..."

Well, Murakumobucky-

"Murakumo... buki?"

I need to distinguish between you and your 'honored predecessor'. But reading out your year of launch takes up a lot of space. So I'm citing you as the Bucky class Murakumo, hence Murakumobucky.


As in Buki. You know. The Winter Destroyer.


(In the background, one might hear a certain Bucky complaining "Stop making fun of my name!")

"Argh! You make my head hurt!" Murakumo's mechanical ears shudder. "Just get to the point!"

Okay. The reason for this is-

"No!" warned Murakumo (1898). "Don't give him an opening, honored successor!"


"Stop acting like my mother," Loli!Kaga hissed while batting away the gentle hands trying to tie her hair into a ponytail.

Hoshou sighed. This child was so stubborn. But she didn't really mind. This was a duty she welcomed, a cross she bore willingly and happily.

"I promised Tosa-san that I would take care of you," she replied.

"Don't use my sister's name! You killed her!"

Hoshou flinched as if she had been slapped.

"Murderer!" Loli!Kaga glared 16-inch shells at the older carrier. "I'll never forgive you for killing Tosa-oneechan!" she snarled. "I wish you die! All of you! Just go and die!"

Sixteen years later, Hoshou received a telegram from High Command. The man who delivered it was professional but bleak. He gave her space to read in silent privacy- and, afterwards, caught her as she capsized and lent her his shoulder to cry upon.


In Yokosuka was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Hoshou weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they are no more.

no parent should have to bury their child



Two silver-haired girls hugged each other for scant comfort. They quivered, their golden eyes brimming with tears.

"Why, Sheo?" sniffled 1898 Murakumo. "Why did you write that?"

"It's my fault," moaned 1928 Murakumo. "I gave him an excuse to write that…"

Mmm… massed clouds, indeed...

"Honored predecessors!"

In came yet another Murakumo, this one the Minegumo class of the Cold War era JMSDF.

Woah… deja vu…

"Sheo! You…" Murakumo (1969) brandished her Mk 16 Pepper Box ASROC launcher. "I'll make you eat these Mk 46 torpedoes!"

Don't care anymore. With you here, all the Murakumo are mine, mwahaha!


Back to the story.

[Give me… the Zero… give me… the Reppu…]

Supaa Kaga coldly replied with a full deck of spotted dive bombers. "Die, monster," she said as her aircraft bombed Northern Princess into oblivion. "You do not belong in this world."

[One day... In a more fun sea... One day…]





"Nuuuooo!" Nagamon fell on her knees and held her hands up to the heavens in a homage to Willem Dafoe's famous death scene in Platoon. "My Hoppou-chan!"

"Damn it, Supaa Kaga," Ryuujo groaned. "You didn't have to blow her up! I carry spare Zero and Reppu for just this occasion!"

Supaa Kaga glared at her weak-willed so-called allies. They were too soft. They were not HARD SHIP-GIRLS who could make the HARD DECISIONS in this HARD LIFE. They could not understand that to conceive a desert called peace, one had to declare war on Poseidon Himself.

"Don't worry, everyone!" assured the newly-acquired Akashi, who turned out to be the very lucky drop for this node. "I can fix her!"

[You had better do that,] bleakly warned Seaport Princess, the oversize claws on her gauntlets twitching.

Akashi held up two massive jumper cables. "Clear!"

Supaa Kaga ignored the successful operation to revive Hoppou. She looked up to the sky, where she imagined she could see a face smiling down at here.

'Tosa-oneechan… I have become strong… stronger than our cousins Nagato and Mutsu… stronger than even the Yamato and Musashi...'


Yeah, she kind of went Bronze Age of Comic Books Anti-Hero/AN HERO there...

Supaa Kaga can swim at 28 knots, launch 72 planes with 18 to spare, is super hot (literally and figuratively), and excels at sinking unsuspecting American battleships at anchor.

[.. / ... .- - . / -.- - ..- -..- / ... ... . - / -.. .- .-. .-. . -. .-.-.-] Kant-O-Celle Quest!Arizona signaled in Morse code.

"F*cking overheated b*tch," growled Oklahoma, West Virginia, and California.

The only one who wasn't angry was Utah.

"I was mentioned!" Tears of joy ran down the ex-battleship's face. "I have a cameo! I wasn't forgotten by a KanColle writer! I can sink and rust happily now!"

Utah's fellow Pearl Harbor victims let her be. Poor girl could use some attention.


Her weakness?

[Why...I...The world...The sea…]

What? Airfield Princess is Evolving? Airfield Princess Evolved into… Midway Princess!

"Sasuga, Devs," hissed Supaa Kaga.

[Explode... and sink!] The resurrected Installation Type let out a wicked laugh. [No one bullies Hoppou... and get away with it...]


But never fear! Supaa Kaga does not fight alone! For she has allies! Real allies! Seriously! I'm not fibbing!

With the power of Iron Bottom Stomach! Supaa Akagi!

"Omnomnomnom mogu mogu!"

"That's… that's not a takoyaki…"

[Halp, Midway, halp!] yelped the Abyssalcat Fighter being nommed by the gluttonous fiend.

With the power of BEWBS! SUPAA SOURYUU!

"Sheo, you perv~"


With the power of Oedipus Complex! SUPAA HIRYUU!

"Tamon-maru will get mad!"

"Desu!" agreed said fairy.

With the power of Tsundere!

"Get out!" exclaimed the Mental Model of the Fleet of Fog heavy cruiser out of fury for always being called Tsundere class.

Not you, Takao.

"Oh. Uh... Sorry..."

"Did someone call me?" asked the other heavy cruiser that bore the name of 'High Hero'.


"Ugh," sighed the Mental Model. "Her fuel tanks are way bigger than mine…"

I meant ZUIKAKU.

"All planes, prepare for immediate takeoff! Objective, the Author of this stupid story! Go get him!"

With the power of being Planefag's ship-waifu and a prime competitor in the Admiral Settle Bowl! SHOUKAKU!

"No! Zuikaku! Please stop attacking the Author!"

"Don't stop me, Shoukaku-nee! Sheo Darren shipped me with the Silent Hunter 4 avatar of a SpaceBattler who sank me in a play-through!" The twin-tailed younger crane blushed. "I'm not doing this because I l-l-like Triggerhappy Jaberwocky or anything!"



Together, they form the super heroine team KIDOU BUTAI, the RIOT FORCE that will defend the Land of the Rising Sun against all enemies! YAMATO DAMASHII, GAIJIN!


"You translated 'Kidou Butai' wrong," Murakumo (1969) sighed. "It's Mobile Force, not Riot Force."

...I was misled by Nanoha fan subbers. Blood will be spilled for this deception.

"Idiot," all three Murakumos muttered.


Can Super Kaga and the KIDOU BUTAI save the day against the dreaded GREY GHOST and rescue the sweet maiden Yamato from the clutches of that evil AmeriKaijuu?

"I, Yamato, do not require saving!"

Thus spake Yamato as she placed herself between the KIDOU BUTAI and the cornered but extremely dangerous (for there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap, and that is) USS Enterprise.

"I, Yamato, am here where I truly belong!"

And the absolutely glowing cherry blossom maiden took the startled Enterprise's hand into her own and intertwined their fingers together as if daring anyone and everyone to pry them apart.


"What," blurted out Enterprise as she ended up shipped with Yamato despite this not being The Greatest Generation.

The KIDOU BUTAI was shocked to the core of their conservative Japanese maiden hearts.

"Oh, no! Yamato's been brainwashed by the Americans!" Supaa Hiryuu exclaimed on behalf of her teammats.

Zuikaku rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure the Hotel joined the Americans on her own volition," she pointed out. "I mean, unlike the IJN and JMSDF, the USN does have the resources to deploy her on a regular basis."

Supaa Kaga ignored the sole voice of reason in the KIDOU BUTAI. Her sister is DEAD, and now she's an aircraft carrier, waah, waah. Her HARD LIFE made her into a HARD SHIP-GIRL who can make HARD CHOICES and do HARD SHIP-THINGS.

"There's no helping it," she determined. "We'll have to bomb Yamato until she comes back to her senses."

She was in the process of nocking a Suisei arrow to her bow when Zuikaku planted a soft karate chop on the back of her brown-haired head.

"Knock it off, Kaga-sempai," grumbled the younger crane carrier. "If you damage Hotel-chan, she'll hog the repair docks forever and make the Admiral cry over the loss of all those resources."

Supaa Kaga let out a small sound of surprise. She went still before slowly toppling forward with all the solemnity of a cherry tree felled by the 16" naval rifles of USS Washington.

"What," the stunned Zuikaku quoted Enterprise as she stared at the unexpected result of her handiwork. She disliked Supaa Kaga, but she didn't want that to happen to her rival!

"What have you done, Zuikaku?" exclaimed the stunned Supaa Hiryuu. "Why did you betray Supaa Kaga?"

"Oh, no!" Supaa Souryuu gasped. "It cannot be! The Grey Ghost has mind-controlled Zuikaku as well!"

"What? No!" Zuikaku argued. "I just tapped Kaga-sempai on the head!"

Supaa Kaga hauled herself from the floor. The older carrier looked bedraggled.

"So, Zuikaku, you were a traitor all along."

The former battleship coughed out copious amounts of bright red liquid.

"I knew CarDiv 5 couldn't be trusted," she hissed through stained lips.

"You are making even less sense than usual, Kaga-sempai!" Zuikaku snapped. "And why is blood coming from your mouth? That wasn't even a love tap! Internal injuries do not work that way! If anything, the blood coming from your mouth should be darker or even black in color due to coming from injured internal organs!"

Zuikaku then noticed that Supaa Akagi was hastily hiding something behind her. "Wait, Akagi-sempai… what is that?"

"...Nothing," badly lied the former battlecruiser as she avoided eye contact with her suspicious twin-tailed junior.

"Is that a bottle of cranberry juice?!" Zuikaku gawked. "Did you let Kaga-sempai drink that so she can act all dramatic?"

"N-n-no! It's my emergency stash for when I get hungry!"

Supaa Kaga looked away. But not to hide a blush over scoring an indirect kiss with her partner.

Hidden out of sight and so envious of Kaga that she didn't notice her name being messed up, Bucky growled. Yandestroyer time...

Zuikaku was about ready to snap at her ridiculous comrades. She was cut off, however, by the unexpected occasion of Shoukaku embracing her from behind.

"I'm so happy that my imouto fell in love with a good person," her delighted older sister whispered into the nape of her neck. "You're truly a lucky girl, Zuikaku..."

"Shoukaku-nee! We are not like that!" protested the red-faced Zuikaku, who shivered as her sister's warm breath washed over her skin. "And wait, who are you referring to? Triggerhappy Jaberwocky or Kaga-sempai?"


"That mathematician's answer doesn't make any sense!"

"WOW!" came the loud observation from a certain English-born returnee who'd just arrived on the scene. "Such BURNING LOVE! KONGOU-RATULATIONS!"

"You are not helping, you glorified battlecruiser!" Zuikaku shrilled.

"...I somehow know this is South Dakota's fault somehow," Enterprise muttered into the palm of her hand.

(She was still holding on to Yamato's hand, though. Lewd.)



"Ridin' over your clique~ Like the Delaware, son," rapped Washington Naval Treaty. "I'll get my face on the dollar Before this shit's done!"

"Tasukette," groaned Hachi-Hachi Kantai-chan, who lay beneath her attacker's boots. "Onegai…"

"Now, now, Five-Power, old boy," appeased the strapping Anglo-Japanese Alliance, who used Washington's other name. "I'm sure we can talk peacefully about this like chaps of gentle breeding…"

"Screw you, Brit! Or I'll dump your tea into the sea again!" Washington threatened.

The mouthpiece of Anglo-Japanese's pipe snapped between his gnashed teeth. "Now, see here, you damnyankee," he growled, his mustachio bristling.

"Anglo-Japanese Alliance-kun!" moaned Hachi-Hachi Kantai. "Why are you siding with Washington Naval Treaty and not helping me? We're friends, right? I helped you during World War One!"

"Because," interjected a newcomer. "Anglo-Japanese Alliance secretly desires Washington Naval Treaty."

Washington Naval Treaty stopped his victory jig atop of Hachi-Hachi Kantai. "What?" he gaped at the male intruder who resembles him and Anglo-Japanese Alliance.

"Who are you?" Hachi-Hachi Kantai coughed.

"I am the manly love child of Washington Naval Treaty and Anglo-Japanese Alliance who has come from the future to ensure my existence," sneered the now-revealed London Naval Treaty. "Resistance is futile!"

"Bollocks," Anglo-Japanese Alliance sighed as his infidelity and Anglosexuality were trumpeted to the whole world.

Hachi-Hachi Kantai's confused gaze shifted from Anglo-Japanese to Washington and back. Her face turned red and she began twiddling her fingers.

"I don't mind yaoi," she admitted with a wistful look and hopeful tone.

Washington Naval Treaty recoiled from the fallen Japanese naval program as if burnt by napalm. But doing so meant he bumped into Anglo-Japanese Alliance, who blushed while also holding him to support the unsteady American treaty.

"Are you alright there, chap?"

"GAAAY!" Washington Naval Treaty yelled while pushing Anglo-Japanese Alliance away from hi. "GAAAY!"

The commotion attracted the attention of their minder.

"Damn it, Washington! Consider yourself grounded!" League of Nations ordered. "Go to your room and think on your errors!"

"F-f-fine! I was going to do that anyway! I'll never come out! I'll just binge-buy using my credit lines!" Washington threatened. "Screw the rules, I have credit!"

And that was how the Great Depression came about. Godoka damn it, America.