Hi! I decided to take a break from writing Children of the Wolf, but I had some ideas for a crack fanfiction, so I wrote it. I hope you will enjoy it despite the stupidity and grossness of this. This is meant to be funny, or at least, silly, so the first rule is "Don't give a fuck. Don't try to understand".
Enjoy and leave a review if you feel like it! ;)


He didn't know if it was a trick from Loki, an hallucination – he didn't have any memories of eating mushrooms recently – or a proof of christian magic, yet, it happened. He stood facing himself. Well, not exactly himself, an older version. The Rollo who was in front of him had long hair, was wearing a large coat made of fur and his scars on his face were more visible than they were now. His long dark haired was braided the way it was in olden days and everything in him was viking. Rollo walked in circle around his copy, fascinated and intrigued. Why had this man appear in his room? And why was he so similar to his older self?

Rollo raised his hand to the viking's face, but this one stepped back with a grunt and a shocked stare. He took a defensive stance, fists cluntched and hand on his axe. Rollo dropped his arms on his side and sighed. That man infront of him was very much like him. Even in his way of behaving next to strangers. Rollo decided to open a dialogue.

- Who are you, he asked.

- How can you speak our language? Aren't you a christian?

Rollo shivered. The man spat that word with such disdain. Something he couldn't even do now. Yet, the simple fact that this man insinuated that he might be... like his wife was enough to make him angry. He didn't like accusations. Especially when they were wrong.

- I have been baptized by king Aelle of Northumbria, I am married to a christian, but I still worship the Aesir and Vanir gods in this foreign land.

- You married a christian, he asked spitting the last word. You have betrayed your culture.

- No. I am expanding it. Like I told a friend of mine; we must make alliances, like there are amongs the gods. Also, I would appreciate it if you didn't talk badly of my wife. She would insult you if you did.

- Your wife sounds like my lover, Siggy.

- Siggy? Are you... Are you... Is your name Rollo, by any chance?

- Yes, how did you know that?

Rollo felt dizzy. If this man was who he claimed he was, then that meant only one thing: He was facing a younger version of himself. He had to know if he was an hallucination. So, as a test, he punched him in the jaw.

The impact made a loud sound. Young Rollo fell on the floor and immediately stared at duke Rollo with angry eyes.

- Relax. It was a test, the duke said perfectly calm. I just hope I didn't ruin my... your jaw.

- You hesitated on a word, he noted.

- I did. How is Siggy? It has been a long time since I last saw her.

- You know her?

- Yes. She and I were lovers once...

Rollo looked away. All this only brought back bad memories. Memories he wanted to forget, but stayed carved on his skin just like his tattoos. But he was at peace now. Perhaps facing his younger self was a way for the gods to tell him to move forward and get rid of the past for good. He looked for a crow but saw none.

- Who are you, the viking asked.

- My name is duke Rollo, he said in Frankish.

Young Rollo stared at him, shocked. Trying to understand what he said. He looked disoriented, trying to find a meaning in these words. Duke Rollo chuckled and then said:

- Forgive me. They taught me this at my first Frankish lesson, I felt like it might be a good occasion to say it for the first time in a casual conversation. I am... is there an equivalent for duke in... jarl Rollo, ruler of Normannia. I am married to the princess Gisla of Frankia. And am the father of William. You are here in my castle, in Rouen.

- Rollo? That is the same name as mine.

- Well, this will probably surprise you, but you and I are the same person. I am you, but older, richer, happier and more powerful.

- Did Ragnar give you this?

- You know Ragnar. He is a great man, but he would never allow anyone but himself to be great.

- I suppose you are right. But then, how did you achieve such a success?

- Can't you guess? You and I are the same. We have the same way of thinking.

- Aaah, I see now. Did Ragnar reacted well. No. Let me guess. He didn't and you had to fight.

- Yes.

- I suppose you won.

- I did.

- How? I never did. Ragnar had always outsmarted me.

- I guess it wasn't your time to shine under the sun. This time the gods were supporting me. They planned this, wanted this. One day, you will receive a prophecy from the seer. This day, you will finally begin to see the light. Your exploits on the battlefield will be known and feared, but also admired. The king of Frankia will hear of it and make you an offer you'll have no other choice but to take. Because the gods wanted it.

- So it will be destiny then, young Rollo asked with hope.

- I think so. I think it was fated by the gods a long time ago. I will forever be in their debt.

- How did I get to marry a princess? Wasn't Siggy jealous?

- Siggy, Rollo began thoughtful, Siggy didn't have a word to say. She... she left me a long time ago.

- So I'll never get to know what it is to love and being loved?

- Oh no. You are mistaken. I do love my wife, and she loves me back. It was a miracle, but she eventually gave me a chance. She is the most beautiful, strong and clever woman I ever knew. She is so different than Siggy. She is younger, yet she is as wise as her. She is fiery and often challenges my mind. But she is also stubborn and doesn't change her mind so easily. My wife is as strong as Lagertha and as wise as Siggy. She is perfect for me.

Just as he finished this sentence, the door opened to Gisla. She was holding a baby no older than two and walked without looking where she went.

- Rollo, your son said his first word and I am surprised by what he said. Surely, it sounds norse, could you please transla...

She froze for a minute when she realized who was standing in front of her. Her sight went to duke Rollo and then young Rollo. She shot her husband an interrogative stare to which he answered by a slightly panicked face.

- Rollo, you didn't tell me that you had another brother, she scolded him.

- It's not... he isn't...

- She is beautiful, young Rollo whispered in Norse. Like a va...

- Like a valkyrie, yes, I know, duke Rollo sharply said. Gisla, he switched to Frankish, this isn't any brother of mine. This man, well, you will have trouble to believe it, this man is no other than myself.

- Wha... how? Why? HOW ?

- I don't know. But he is here anyway.

- Will he start screaming and waving his axe in the air?

- Did you had such a poor opinion of myself before, Rollo asked puzzled. Of course he won't do that. He is calmer than you think. I was calmer. And wiser than in my youth. You are facing me before... before my lover at the time died. I will only wave my axe in battle. Don't you know that?

- I do. It is just that I am weary of his... your appearance.

- You are my wife. There is no need to be afraid.

While they were talking, young Rollo walked silently to Gisla, eyes wide opened. He looked marveled by her simple presence. Gisla noticed him and stepped back eventually. Young Rollo stopped at one inch of her face. He raised his hand to stroke her hair. She gave William to Rollo and then slapped him. Duke Rollo laughed and his younger self chuckled.

- Well, clearly, we like strong women, the duke said. Maybe William will find one too, he said to his son playing with his hand.

Young Rollo stood near Gisla, staring at her, memorizing her traits, her hair, her smell, her body. Then, he turned to duke Rollo and his son and asked:

- Will this become real? Or is it a dream sent by the gods to torment me?

- It will, the duke said. You just have to be patient and shine when your time will come. For now, you still have some things to learn. Many things.

His face suddenly became gloomy. Gisla noticed it and came closer to him. She gently stroke his hair and pet his beard. She was always saddened to see her husband in such an emotionnal state. She kissed his cheek, rising on her tiptoes to do that. Young Rollo watched the scene with envy and a slight jealousy. But this simple sight was enough to bring hope back in his heart.

- Now, I want to know, which one of you is the strongest, Gisla asked. Clearly younger means stronger. But older also means experience.

- I am the strongest, the duke objected. Look at him, I mean, me. My leg is not fully healed. Besides, how can you doubt of your husband, princess? Am I not the hero of Frankia? The savior of Paris?

- You are, she said tenderly.

- What did she say, young Rollo asked.

- She asked me which one of us is stronger.

- Clearly I am, the young viking said.

- No. I am.

- There is only one way to find out.

- Oh no. I have a reputation to keep. I know what you are thinking and my answer is no. I can see it in your eyes.

- Come on. Don't you wish to give your wife satisfaction?

- Fine, the duke sighed. Let's do this.

Both took off their shirts and tied their hair into a man bun. Gisla put William on the floor for the baby to walk a little and turned to stare at the two Rollo. The princess would never admit it, but this vision gave her thoughts and raised desire for her husband. She knew it was sin, but how was she supposed to stay holy and pure when two sexy men whom one was her husband and the other one his younger self were standing in front of her? She couldn't. One shirtless Rollo almost made her resistance weakened, but two Rollo was too much for her to bear and conceal her desire. She blushed when she saw their muscles flex and the sight itself made her lower belly hot. She and her husband had not have sex since last week. That was rather long for them.

- Rollo, Gisla said, what are you doing?

- We are going to race, to fight and to compete against each other. To know who is the strongest of us both. You will be the judge. You shoud like it, he teased her.

Gisla blushed once more. Did he read into her mind? Did he know what kind of thoughts were warming her lower belly? Yet, she nodded, trying to keep a neutral stance. She would never admit it to anyone, but she was really attracted to her husband's viking version. If he knew that, he would probably never stop bringing it back when she'd talk about how great Frankia is and how savages are the northmen. She kept peaking on viking Rollo while he and duke Rollo were not watching. She wished to have her way with both of them. Aware that her son was in the room, she asked a servant to take to young boy for a nap and then turned back to her husband(s).

- Now – Rollo, translate for me, please – The race will consist of running five times around the walls of the castle. The first one who takes – what is there here to have a a trophy? - this teddy bear, will win!

- Bersie? You kept Bersie, viking Rollo asked shocked.

- It is William's now, Rollo chuckled. In truth, I don't need it anymore to comfort me. I have the best wife ever, he bragged.

Gisla walked out of the room, followed by two shirtless Rollo. All servants and maids turned back to them as they passed by them, eyes and mouth wide opened out of surprise.

Once arrived on the walls, Gisla announced the departure. Both men began to run wih passion, wanting to beat each other. Each of their moves were overexaggerated. Their muscles flexed so tight Gisla felt herself drool. They ran fast, faster than any Frankish man. Gisla held Bersie in the air when Rollo – the old and the new – began their last round. She saw them run to her fast and violently. Suddenly, Gisla felt like it might no have been a good idea to stand in front of two running vikings. She was sure they would either make her fall from the wall or stamp her. She shaked and held Bersie far from her body to protect herself. Rollo and Rollo both took one arm of the bear when they passed Gisla. When they stopped and realized they both held Bersie, they looked at each other and grunted like wolves. They heard a noise indicating the threads which kept Bersie's legs attached to its body were breaking. Immediately, they stopped grunting and rushed to the teddy bear to examinate him, almost crying.

- It's fine, Rollo sighed from relief.

- Thanks the gods!

- Neither of us won. I suggest we go do trunk throwing, next. Gisla, my beloved wife will judge this too.

- Your beloved wife is everything I look in a woman.

- She is mine. Not yours, Rollo said angrily.

His younger self was so foolish. He asked Gisla to be the judge of their next game and she agreed, staring at his chest to his own amusement. She asked the servants to bring two large trunks and they complied with difficulties. They dropped them on the floor with a loud sound. Both Rollos took them.

- What are the rules, young Rollo asked.

- You have to throw them as far as you can.

- Fine. I'll win.

- Who said so?

They flexed their muscles again, and threw them. The trunks scared the servants and the horses. Both trunks almost destroyed the walls. Gisla hesitated between being angry at them and being marveled by their strengths. Now she wanted only one thing: to feel her husband's strength under her and to be carried by him. She felt hotter and hotter due to their moves and sculptural bodies. Was she going to survive the day? She highly doubted it.

To know once and for all who was the strongest, they kept throwing things: trunks, stones, weapons, books, candles and even pies. All this ensued from a tie.

- Perhaps throwing things isn't the proper way to determine who is the strongest. Perhaps we need to...

- fight! Yes! After all we were born to fight and raid, young Rollo enthusiastically said.

- Exactly! Gisla, he switched to Frankish, could you find two axes for us? I know there aren't many at the weaponry, but I suppose there are two in a... nevermind, I'll go grab them. Just don't hesitate to use your knive in case he... I mean I try to come too close to you.

- Are you asking me to threaten you with a knife husband?

- Yes, Rollo said blushing. This is exactly what I want you to do. I have a total faith in you.

- I know, she said touching his bare chest under young Rollo's jealous eyes. Now go fetch those axes, it will bring memories.

- Bad or good?

- I didn't decided yet, she said with a mischievious smile.

While her husband went to fetch the axes, she took a knife off of her sleeve and raised it to the viking's chest.

- If you move, I'll cut you, she said menacingly.

Rollo stepped back in total awe. That woman was strong and he desired her strongly. The duke came back with two swords and no shields. Gisla shot him an interrogative stare to which he answered with a grin.

- Do not worry, princess. We will not get hurt. A shield would only slow us down.

- Am I not allowed to fear for my husband's safety?

- I won't die. This fight will end when one of us will be cut three time.

Gisla slapped Rollo.

- You better not die! You have a son to take care of, remember?

- Yes, wife. I do, he said with a smile. Now, he switched to Norse, shall we begin?

The Rollos took a fighting stance and began their fight. Their blows were strong and powerlul, the impact their axes made when they crashed into each other made a noise so lound the whole town of Rouen could hear it. The crash drew all the servants and maids of the palace to see the scene. The Rollos were screaming, grunting, waving their axes in the air. Memories flooded Gisla's brain like a wave. She saw herself back onto that tower. The vikings, trying to breach the walls, killing her soldiers, the taste of blood, the smell of fire and boiling oil, Odo and his metal hand, the screams of the soldiers, the stones turned red because of blood, all this seemed so far away. It was like a bad dream. But this time, this time she knew who was in front of her: her husband. The first man who truly respected her and listened to her advices. This time, she wasn't scared. This time she desired him. In truth, she desired him so much she bit her lips to conceal little moans.

Truly, she loved what she was staring at. The Rollos were sweaty, their muscles glistened, flexed. She was hypnotized by their moves and had to grip her arm not to touch herself. After a few minutes, she finally saw the first splash of blood. The duke had cut his younger self on the upper arm. The viking counter attacked. A few blows later, he finally managed to cut the duke back: on his leg. They fought harshly and violently for an hour before they fall out of exhaustion. Gisla came and inspected their bodies. She sighed. It was a tie. Again.

- It is a tie, she sternly said to her husband.

- Then we must...

- Stand still. I've had enough of your little games. Now stop. You are both the best considering fighting and strength competition. Now you need to rest. I have already decided that you, husband, were the best of both. After all, it is you who conquered my heart and learn Frankish. This savage is no better than you on the matter.

- Savage? I am offended, your grace, I thought you would quit on calling me these names.

- You know what I meant. Yet, I have to admit that both of you are quite handsome. Even your younger self.

- He would be thrilled if he understood what you said. But me, not so much. Yet, I am glad my appearance, whatever it looks, pleases you. Perhaps I should grow my beard and my hair again, what do you think?

- I think we'll run out of hair conditioner if you do so. You may be rich, but not that rich. Now, let's all come back inside so that I can heal your wounds.

- My younger self's too?

- Yes. I suppose that if I don't, then your beauti... your body will keep those scars, and I certainly don't want that.

Rollo chuckled, aware of the effect his body had on her. He beackoned viking Rollo and both followed the princess to her and her husband's bedchambers. Once they were in, Gisla took a bowl containing a strange mixture, which recipe was given by Rollo to her, and applied it on the men's wounds. Both grinned, happy to have such a woman taking care of them. Yet the duke couldn't help but shot death stares to his younger self slightly jealous but also feeling that he didn't deserve her. At least, yet.

Gisla's hands roammed her husband's back, feeling his muscles, remembering the curves of his sculptural body, applying the mixture as she did when he returned from his fight against his brother. Young Rollo watched them, consumed by envy and lust. This young woman definitely attracted him. The duke breathed heavily as Gisla removed his pants and healed a deep cut on his upper leg. He felt a little bit ashamed at first, due to the other Rollo watching them, but soon he let himself go into his wife's soft and delicate arms. He gently kissed her cheek to which she answered by kissing his neck. Rollo was surprised. Usually she never took initatives, or rarely. It was too long since he last felt her body on his. His dick became hard as soon as she moved her lips to his chest. In front of them, young Rollo had his interest raised. His eyes were glowing with desire and lust. The duke read his sight and knew what he was thinking of.

- Gisla. He, well, I am watching.

- I don't care. I want you. Right now.

- Me or him, he teased her.

She answer by a little moan.

- But this... this is sin.

- Not in my culture, and not when we are both your husband.

She shut his mouth angrily with a kiss and then nodded. He had an answer for everything. That stupid handsome heathen. He removed her dress from her body and began to kiss every part of her body. Her breasts, her neck, her hips, her thighs. Each of his kisses raised the one of her moans. She breathed heavily following her husband's breathing rythme. Young Rollo took his pants off of his legs, dick hard and began to caress himself watching them. He sighed out of pleasure, instantly followed by a moan from the duke's mouth. Apparently, their bodies reacted at the same time.

Gisla moved on top of Rollo and kissed him from his mouth to the base of his hard organ. In the same time, she put her fingers to his mouth which began to kiss them hungrily and suck them afterwards. Rollos' moans became louder, their hearts skipped a bit and they had to breathe strongly to overcome it.

Young rollo came close to the bed watching them eagerly. The duke and his wife entangled themselves in a deep and passionate kiss. The viking's face closened itself to them, hypnotized by their kiss. Then, he didn't know why, he kissed the exact spot their lips were touching each other. Then, he moved her hair and began to kiss her neck and her jaw. To everyone's surprise – including me. But this is a crack fanfiction so who gives a fuck? - Gisla didn't repeled him. Instead she moaned while her lips were at one tiny inch to the duke's. Her back arched and Rollo moaned louder. Everything in his wife stirred his desire and his lust up. He wanted to kiss her, enter her, stroke her beautiful soft and perfect hair. She was the only one who could give him that kind of pleasure. His back arched too. Young Rollo caressed Gisla's body with his rough hands while the duke stroke her hair, claiming her lips with his kisses. Gisla entangled her fingers into her husbands' hair and let herself go to her own pleasure.

Her moans became louder and suddenly they changed position. She was laying on the bed while the duke kissed her inner thighs, roamming her hips with his hands. Young Rollo continued to kiss her neck, her chest and her breasts. Never had Gisla felt so hot. She moaned louder and louder, not even caring about the maids anymore. She gripped the viking's long hair and kissed him as violently as he could fight. The young viking appreciated regarding his loud moans. The duke began to kiss her lower belly and the lips of her vagina, licking it from time to time, insisting on the clitoris. Gisla's back arched more and she came loudly. But it was not over. Not yet. Rollos' sex needs were insatiable.

She raised her back and kiss her husband first, and then, the viking. She put both her arms on their powerful shoulders. After that, both went down on her, kissing and licking every part of her body. She liked it. They kept their hands on her face and she kissed and sucked their fingers. The Rollos breathed heavily and sighed. They moaned louder. Their moans sounded like wolves howling in the night. Gisla giggled just realizing that.

The duke laid her back on the bed and the many pillows there were in it and stood on top of her body. He took her waist and entered her slowly and with the most exquisite delicacy. She gasped for air and soon, the viking's lips covered her mouth. She breathed and sighed on his lips. Her breath was soft and fresh. Rollo liked it. The duke roammed his wife's upper body with his large hands and while he was doing so, she entangled her legs around his back. She moaned again. Rollo was about to come, but he kept his movements gentle and tender. The viking roammed her breasts and her chest with eager yet loving kisses. Gisla's back arched once more and she came for the second time. Rollo did likewise when he heard his beloved wife's voice. The viking, followed the duke his face showing nothing but ecstasy.

They all fell back on the bed, breathing heavily trying to get some air. Gisla, maybe because of a habit she had, drew patterns on Rollo's chest, following the lines of her tatoos. Both Rollos stroked her hair gently. Gisla would have never expected to come twice. She smiled. She felt so fulfilled this instant. True, she may have sinned, but who cared? Was it a sin to have sex with one's husband? Certainly not. Moreover, she only let her husband enter in her. She was relieved. She decided to think she had not sin. Her husband would probably think so. Besides, apparently she made him happy, that was one of a wife's duty.

- What a chance you married me. I am the best wife there is in Frankia, she said proudly yet jokingly to her husband.

- Yes, what a chance, he grinned.

They kissed swiftly before Gisla slipped into her bedshifts and began to sleep. Rollo looked at his younger self and smiled warmly. The viking did likewise.

- Thank you for today, jarl Rollo, he chuckled.

- Anything for myself, the duke joked.

- Well, I guess this is my time to leave now.

- Leave? How?

- I am feeling that my body is disappearing. Maybe all of this was a message from the gods to tell me not to lose hope, he said as he stood up. I am happy I came here.

- You'll be happier when it will happen for real. Trust me. Have faith in your destiny.

- Thank you, he said.

- Say hi to Siggy from me. Tell her... tell her I am sorry, okay?

- I will. But why are you sorry?

- You will see that later.

Young Rollo shot him an interrogative stare and whas about to speak when he slowly disappeared. When no one but duke Rollo and his wife were in the room, he slipped into his bedshifts and looked at his wife tenderly. He kissed her hair and stroke it gently before he started sleeping peacefully.


On the other side of the door stood a servant, no older than forty, who had heard every sound her masters made. Her eyes and mouth were wide opened in shock and perhaps terror, and she stood still as petrified, holding some aprons in her hands. She slowly turned back and walked in the hallway her face still baring the memory of this very awkward situation.


Yeah, so the maid is traumatized forever xD. Poor woman.