A/N: Yeah, yeah it's inaccurate but it's fanFICTION okaayyyyy it's fine. I had this idea while I was walking my dog. Once again. And it's not pure fluff or hurt/comfort like my normal shit it's kinda just sadness.. So be prepared.
And yes I call him Sean because. You know, it's his name. If you didn't know Jacksepticeye's real name was Sean you are missing out wow.
Also I don't own those dorks Markiplier and Jacksepticeye.
Sean McLoughlin had never missed a day of uploading.
For years, he had been uploading every single day, and recently twice a day. So it was unheard of for him to miss a day, let alone a week.
Or a month.
Sean lay silently in the bed they used to share, the place he spent most of his time. He didn't eat or drink enough to have to go to the bathroom often, so he would often lay in bed for practically three days straight. Sleeping on and off, sometimes checking Twitter, looking at their old pictures, watching their old videos. Twitter was filled with worriers and people wondering where he was, and the old pictures and videos just brought painful happy memories. So sometimes he just lay and stared at the ceiling.
Somebody always came about every three days, sometimes Bob, sometimes Ryan, sometimes Matt. They would all make sure he ate atleast a small meal, drank some water, maybe take a shower and change into some clean clothes. He felt bad that they went out of their way to care for him, and told them not to come back. They always did.
Sean didn't cry himself to sleep anymore, that stopped after the first month. Now he just felt numb. Numb to the world, numb to his feelings, numb to his needs. When people came to take care of him, they mentioned seeing a doctor or a therapist. Mentioning that they were there for him if he wanted to talk. Mentioning that he would want him to stay healthy.
But he wasn't here anymore.
He left him.
So what was the point?
It had taken two months for Sean to realize that what they said was true.
He wouldn't want him to be hurting.
Sean slowly pushed the blankets off, and stood up by himself for the first time in two months. His muscles and bones protested from lack of use. He looked into the mirror beside the closet he shared with him. His hair was longer than usual, the green starting to fade back into brown. He was a lot skinnier, his skin was pale, and he had a weird stubbly beard growing in. He gazed down at his hands, which were now bony and small.
"He wouldn't want this, Sean." He said to himself, his voice raspy from talking for the first time in weeks. "Mark couldn't stand to see you like this."
Sean shook his head, and walked downstairs, grasping the rail for support as his head began to swim. What had urged him to finally take care of himself for the first time in two months, he wasn't sure. But he didn't try to deny it yet. Call it intuition, call it insanity. But it felt right, and nothing had felt right since he left.
Sean poured a glass of water, and made himself some toast from frozen bread. He ate slowly, but he was eating.
He walked upstairs, almost as if he was guided by an invisible rope. Sean was slowly regaining his energy, and didn't quite have to think yet about what he was doing. He turned on the shower almost automatically, waiting for the water to heat up before he took his clothes off and stood under the relaxing stream.
And he completely broke down.
Sean sank to the floor of the shower, and sat curled with his knees to his chest, rocking gently. Tears poured down his face as he finally began to deal with his sadness instead of ignoring it. Reality punched him in the face as the sobs grew louder, tears washed away immediately by the water of the shower.
Mark was dead and there absolutely nothing Sean could do about that. The car crash two months ago was still vivid in his mind.
Why did he survive and Mark didn't? Why couldn't he save him? Why did he escape with a sprained wrist where Mark got a bone-crushing blow to his back and head, causing him to die almost instantly. But not instantly enough for Sean to not see the life draining out of his eyes. To not reach desperately for his boyfriend, his roommate, his best friend. Sean even saw the faint smile on his lips as Mark saw that he was okay before it fell into a lifeless expression that haunted Sean to this day.
Sean only left his house in the past two months to go to the funeral. Despite friends and family inquiring about his status, he remained mostly silent, replying with the occasional "fine, thanks" and walking away.
It was a lie.
Nothing was fine then, and it was even worse now. Sean wanted to be fixed. He didn't want this pain in his heart anymore. He screamed into the silence of his apartment in pain.
It wasn't fair! Not in the fucking least. How could Mark leave him alone like this, alone with his tormenting and terrible thoughts. To stand alone when he was so used to having Mark beside him ready to catch him.
It was only natural that he fell.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Like hell, it does.
Sean sat at his desk, staring at the camera he had set up for the first time in months. He had finished his shower, gotten dressed, and decided to make a video, not bothering to shave his face yet.
He wasn't sure he even remembered how.
Sean turned on the camera and sat back down.
Top of the morning to you didn't seem right.
Instead he waved weakly and attempted a smile. "Hey guys."
Sean took a deep breath in. He knew this would be good for him. This is what Mark would want.
"I know it's been awhile, and you're wondering were I've been." He pointed to the bed behind him. "I've pretty much been there for the past two months. And no, this isn't a pity call. You guys just wanted to know."
He adjusted his glasses, and started talking about what they really wanted to hear. "As you know, Mark Fischbach and I were in a bad car accident a couple months ago. You've been informed by our other friends that I was alive, I only sprained my wrist. You've also been informed that Mark didn't quite get as lucky as me." He sniffed.
"First off, I want to talk about Mark. We lived together, as you know. And some of you guessed that we were dating, and were right. He was the strongest, kindest, and funniest fellow I ever had the pleasure to know. And the best thing about him was he always encouraged me to be strong as well. And I haven't been for his past little while.
"So-" His voice broke and tears rose to his eyes as he looked up. "I'm sorry, Mark. From this point I will try to be strong. For you."
Sean took a moment to regain his composure before starting again, because he knew talking about this next part. He twisted the ring on his left hand subconsciously.
"Part of the reason it's took me this long to drag my lazy ass out of bed is this." He held up his left hand, a shiny gold ring with a small emerald set in it on his fourth finger. He shut his eyes tightly, obviously trying to hold in his tears. "When the accident happened, Mark was driving us to a 'surprise date'. After he died.. they searched his body and found this in his pocket, in a little gray box."
Tears streamed down his face, and he didn't bother wiping them away. Sean took off the ring to gaze at the inscription on the inside of the band.
"At first we were unsure of who it was for, but they looked on the inside and saw something engraved." Sean sobbed quietly, trying his hardest to keep himself together long enough to get through this video. "'Does anybody here have the initials SM?' they came and asked at the funeral. I said yes, and they handed me the box, and I opened it.. I-I kinda just fell to the floor in shock to be honest. Seein' this little ring with my initials engraved inside."
Sean paused, putting the ring back on and wiping his wet face on his sweater sleeve, even though he knew the tears hadn't stopped. He looked up again. "Mark, if you'd had the time to ask me, I would've said yes. One hundred times yes. And we could get a bigger apartment, and have some little people runnin' around..."
His voice trailed off, and Sean pulled his knees to his chest again, and sobbed into them. He knew he was going to just edit most of it out later, so he cried for a long time. Sean didn't bother keeping track, but when all the tears were done, he wiped his face again and looked back up to the camera, wrapping his arms around his legs.
"I'll join you someday Mark. Not too soon, but eventually I'll get there. And we can be together again." He smiled sadly. "But now we get to talk about you guys.
"Mark also always encouraged me to express myself on YouTube, and made sure I was uploading, and I, him. And that's something I've been neglecting. So again, I'm sorry Mark. And I'm sorry to you guys! For all the people who've supported me and stayed with me through all this shit, thank you so much.
"Please be patient with me. I'm not going to quit YouTube, obviously not. I'll still need some time before I'm uploading every day, let alone twice a day again. But I'll try my very best to get there as soon as possible for you guys, okay?
"To Mark's family and friends, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Our loss. You've all mostly known him for much longer than I have, and you all know how amazing he was and still is. I hope we can work together through this, and remember him happily instead of with sadness.
"And to my friends who kept visiting me to make sure I didn't die, thanks too." He laughed lightly. "If you didn't come to make sure I ate and drank something atleast once every three days, I probably wouldn't be here right now. So thanks so much. And also, thank you for not pushing me any farther than I was ready to go. You let me recover at my own pace, and I'm grateful for that."
"There's a phrase that goes 'Absence makes the heart grow stronger'. I now understand it. One, I've missed making videos a lot, and I also think I love you guys, my viewers, even more now. And especially Mark. I love him more than I ever have now. I'd do anything for him to be back here, sitting next to me. But that's not how it is right now, so I hope we can all get through this together."
Sean sighed and smiled genuinely. He wasn't back to normal quite yet, but he still had some energy in his voice as he said (not yelled). "But I think that's all for this video, so thank you guys so much for watching. If you liked it, punch that like button in the face, like a boss. And.. high fives all around... Thank you and I will see all you dudes in the next video."
A/N: Idk if I made it sad enough. Whateverrrr I cried anyways because I'm an emotional cactus and literally cry when I drop my socks okay don't hate appreciate. I got over 2000 words! Yayyyy!
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