A hit like that, hard enough to move the car a couple feet off its lane, shards of glass digging in her sides and arms, debris cutting her in the face, couple of broken bones and a thin, but lengthy metal rod stabbing her torso - that's not something people can just walk away from. With shaky breath, teary eyes and tight voice, the doctor, Beck's sister Lia, tells him that it's a miracle Jade even survived.
Yes, Beck thinks, recalling the way Lia was hovering over Jade's almost lifeless body on a dull, white hospital bed of the emergency room with her gloved hands covered in blood, shoulders tense and eyes red from crying.
Yes, it must've been a miracle because by the helpless look on his sister's eyes, he knew that Jade shouldn't have survived the crash.
"Ready our equipments. We have to operate as soon as possible." Lia ordered the nurses, using such urgency in her tone Beck has never heard. As Jade's bed is being pushed to the operating room, Lia gives Beck one last glance before closing the door. Beck instanly loses control of his body and slowly drops down to his knees, feeling terrified, empty and relieved all at once. His eyes look hollow, like he's staring at an empty space, his blood running cold through out his body, but one of his hands remain warm as a tinier hand attached to it squeezes it a tad big tighter. This catches his attention and faces the toddler. Even when he's on his knees, the little girl in front of him is still significantly smaller. Beck stares onto her eyes, blue as the deepest oceans, looking at her father with a confused face. Confused as to why they are here, confused as to why her daddy's eyes lack it's usual warmth. He almost feels bad looking at her innocent eyes with his empty ones.
"Beck..." Cat kneels down beside him just seconds later, her tight grip on his shoulders speak volumes, as if her contorted face isn't telling enough. Her voice is like a whisper; so soft, so unlike Cat. Her eyes spilling tears, hot, fat and salty. Beck leans to her touch, taking advantage of his only sense of physical comfort. Her gaze moves to the head next to Beck and her heart breaks for the little girl. Cat is her fairy god mother, yet she can't magic away her confusion, but she's glad that Olivia did not have any idea about what's going on, despite the confused gazes she's giving her dad and her aunts and uncles. "Hey, baby Liv." Cat speaks to Olivia, sending the toddler as much of a smile as she can muster.
Tori is there too, arms around her own body, hugging herself. She holds back tears, trying to stay strong. Her eyebrows are furrowed, trying her hardest to accept that everything was just an accident, that the faulty brake on the car that hit Jade's was no one's intention. Andre comforts her as best as he could, wrapping both arms around her, whispering words of comfort to her ears, trying to keep his emotions at bay.
Robbie is jittery, unsure as to what to do, but his hands are clenched so hard, his knuckles turned white. He may not always be in good terms with Jade, but they're still friends and it doesn't settle well on him how incredibly broken Cat looks. He's mad because he can't do much to make things better, mad because his friends are feeling discomfort and he can't do anything about it.
This happened exactly four days ago and Jade shows no signs of waking up.
Beck thinks he has not spent more than four hours outside the hospital since Jade has been rushed in. The times he did, though, was only because Andre and Robbie physically pulled him out, drove him home and waited for him to shower and change before they bring him back to the hospital.
On the second night, Tori showed up with Olivia and a couple of movies in hand. She set up a funny movie he didn't care about, but appreciated how the sound effects and over exaggerated laughters made the room feel less... gloomy. She held Jade's hand and moved to press a kiss on Beck's forehead before waking away. He wanted to thank her for visiting Jade and for taking care of his little girl for the past night, but even talking felt too tiring to do.
Cat is the only other person who insists about not leaving Jade's side. She brushes Jade's hair every day and every night, held onto Jade's blanket when she falls asleep on the hospital chair. She'd tell Jade stories about her world tour and how she wanted her to join and direct the next music video she's doing when she wakes up. Sometimes she cries, but reminds herself that Jade can hear her so she has to stop crying because Jade hates it when she cries. Beck can't help but see how strong Cat is being for both of them. She knows how tense the room is and the if she cries, he'll probably shed some tears too. He made sure to message Andre to bring a small packet of bibble for Cat on his visit.
Andre drops off small packets of bibble everyday since Beck's message. Seeing Cat smile even just a little when she sees him bring her some bibble makes him feel less guilty about the meetings he is suppose to be attending to. Being a pretty well known producer may be his job, but his friends need him more at the moment. He doesn't really care much about how his secretary has to keep rescheduling important meetings with singers and rappers such as Kanye.
On the morning of the fourth day, Robbie convinced Cat to go for a walk and buy some stuff toys for Jade when she wakes up. Beck is thankful that Cat has someone to comfort and distract her about the disaster that Jade went through.
With Olivia asleep on the bench close to the window, Beck uses his time alone to reflect, but all he could think about is why the fuck this had to happen to Jade. They had it all planned out. Cat would fly back to LA from whatever country she's at on her tour, Tori would take a break from filming that day, Andre would keep his day clear of meetings and Robbie would go back to LA from a business trip in London to head to Beck and Jade's house. They were suppose to celebrate the last day of filming the latest movie Jade directed. Everything was going as planned. They were at Beck and Jade's on time with food and champagnes in hand. He received a text from Jade saying she's on her way home and everyone seemed delighted by the news, but the next thing he knew, his sister was giving him a call asking him to drive to the hospital because Jade was involved in an accident.
The ride to the hospital seemed like the longest drive of his life. He has to remind himself that he has a kid strapped on a car seat behind him for him not to disregard the traffic rules he's suppose to follow. Beck has never been one to pray frequently, or at all, really, but while he was making his way to the hospital, he kept whispering "please, don't let anything happen to Jade." Like a mantra, he whispers this again and again to himself. If you asked him who he was pleading to, he couldn't give you a solid answer, but he just prayed that she'll be alright.
When he saw Jade unconscious on the hospital bed, he looked away immediately not only because it's a sight he would never ever want to see, but also because if felt unreal. She looked like the characters in the horror movies she directs and produces. The blood swiftly staining her dark green dress and looked as if the props department poured fake blood over her because it didnt look like anyone was able to bleed that much in real life. She was so pale and lifeless that thinking about it makes Beck sick.
He stares at their sleeping daughter to divert his attention and allows some tears to stream down his cheeks. He hasn't cried about the whole situation because he feels like he has to look and seem strong in front of Cat and his friends to make them feel reassured that everything will be well soon. He can't stop the tears any longer as he stares at his daughter. He can't see their future without Jade, can't see how he'll be able to look at Liv without her reminding him of Jade when she looks like an exact copy of her, but with his skin tone. His heart aches from the thought of possibly having to raise Olivia on his own. He can't make sense of anything without Jade, not when he spent more than half his life being with her.
Moving closer to Jade, he grasps her hand with one of his and presses soft kisses on her knuckles. His other hand reaches her face, cupping it. He moves his thumb back and forth the line of her cheekbone and whispers "Nothing makes sense without you" with a shaky breath.
On the sixth night, just minutes before midnight, he turns the television off and rubs a hand over his tired eyes. He wonders how many hours of sleep he might get this time. His shoulders are stiff and aching, butt going numb and muscles protesting against spending another night on the uncomfortable, plastic hospital chair. He wonders if he looks as bad as he feels or worse.
Beside him, Cat stirs in her sleep, looking impossibly young like this, curled up with her hands tucked under her head. Her expression soft and maybe even peaceful. Olivia, however, was another story. She has been shifting every now and then, waking up, asking for her mom, sometimes just asking to be snuggled. This time though, she sat up and looked very much awake. Her eyes were wide and alive as she stares at Beck. He gives her a tiny smile before making his way across the room to pick her up. She shrieks and giggles as Beck snuggled with her back on his chair and wont stop mushing her dad's cheeks together.
"Mama!" Liv points to Jade as she smiles widely at Beck.
"Yes, baby. That is Mama, but you have to be quiet because auntie Cat is sleeping" Beck shushed in reply, running his hand down Liv's back.
"Auntie Cat sleeping? Mama sleeping?"
"Yeah, I guess you can say that Mama's sleeping, too" Beck replies, chest aching as he tries to make the toddler understand Jade's situation.
"Mama's face ish tirty, Dada" Liv's reply makes Beck smile a little as she mispronounces some words.
"Mama's got some boo boos. Those are not dirt." As he answers, he tries not to recall how Jade's face looked with fresh cuts and some glass poking her skin.
"Boo boo? I got boo boo, too!" She says as she points on the week old wound on her left knee. "I chates the doddy then got boo boo."
"How bout I kiss it better, princess?" He does as he said and feels a sense of content having their daughter in his arms. They talk about why Jade is wearing a thick white headband around her head and why her arms look like robot arms. Beck was sure that if Jade was awake to hear how he explained the bandage wrap around her head and her casted left arm, she'd try her damnedest not to laugh her ass off the bed.
Olivia ended up falling asleep snuggled to Beck with her arms wrapped around him as far as it could. Beck stares at his daughter for a while then at Jade and the gaping whole in his chest seems to have gotten bigger. His daughter is not ready to lose a parent and he is not and will never be ready to lose Jade. He recalls the pain of not being with Jade when they broke up for months in high school. God, he never wants to feel the same loneliness he has felt. He was always followed by groups of girls, yet all he felt was the feeling of being alone. He scooted his chair as close as possible to Jade's bed and held her hand. He brought it up to his face and caressed it.
He needs her to wake up.
He needs to see her bright eyes, sparkling in amusement whenever she teases him about this and that. He needs her to wake up and hear her sing familiar tunes in the morning as she cooks breakfast, wearing nothing but his oversized shirts. He needs to feel her fingers brushing through his hair, grazing over his cheekbone, pressing flat against his chest as she looks at him in awe when she feels that steady bum, bum, bum of his chest beating for her. He needs to see her smile against the morning sun as she spins their giggling daughter around after a game of catch in their backyard. He needs to feel her lips, soft and absolutely perfect pressing against his as she invades his space, stealing his breath with every kiss.
"Babe, please wake up." He pleads, breath ragged, voice breaking. "You need to wake up because I can't do this without you." He hardly recognises his own voice, his tone filled with the terror he has been pushing aside.
I can't live without you.
Then it was quiet again aside from the same constant beeping of the machines keeping her alive. Ironically enough, the sounds Beck felt eerie about are the ones that lulls him to sleep.
Her voice was a whisper, so gentle, so calm, it's a hair strand away from sounding like somebody else's voice. It sounds so wonderfully familiar to his ears that he almost doesnt realise that he hasn't heard of that voice for so long.
"Beck" She repeats and he's thankful she did because he feels like he didn't quite catch what she said. Her voice was a tad bit stronger than before, almost commanding him to wake up and he jolts up, pulling his hand away from hers as he sat tall and faced her. His eyes were blown wide as if it cannot believe what it's seeing. Her eyes are slightly sunken with light brown circles surrounding them, but still as blue as he remembers. Her hair was a mess, purple streaks sticking out, yet still unbelievably soft looking. her face still had the scratches and marks from the accident, but still looked so young that it sends his heart both sorrow and joy seeing her like this, alive and wake and breathing.
"Jade" He breathes in relief. He can see her eyelids dropping slightly and immediately he knows how tired she must be feeling and how much effort she is probably putting in to keep her eyes open. She looks utterly wrecked, and yet at the same time the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.
He joins their hands together once more, hoping that the gesture is enough to channel everything he feels because he can't find the words to say it. The warmth of her palms radiates through his and, oh god, he hasn't felt her palms that warm for days. A laugh of pure joy ripples through him, his body shakes the slightest bit and at the same time his breath hitches, heart thrumming absolutely strong, so full of emotions he kept holding in the past few days. He doesn't feel his tears, not until Jade brought her other hand up to cup his cheek and wipe them.
"I thought-" He starts, thinking that he can finally speak, but only two words in, his voice cracks. Jade gives him the tiniest smile because of it and it encourages him to continue. "Jade, I thought I was gonna lose you."
"Thought you can get rid of me that easily?" She teases and he shakes his head because even if it's obviously a joke, the thought itself made him feel queasy. "Hmm. Can't just leave and let you flirt with Tori."
"I don't want anybody else." Beck brings his face closer to their joined hands and places a kiss on her knuckles. He rests his chin on their hands and smiled. "I only want you."
"Sap." She breathes out on a laugh and it's his favourite sound in the world. "Don't cry, Beck. I'm alright." She says, this time in a more serious tone.
"You're alright, you're alright." He whispers to himself again and again, hoping that if he repeats it enough, he can convince himself to believe that this isn't a dream.
"I am." She smiles slightly wider this time because she always found Beck adorable when he lets his emotions out. "Look, Robot Beck actually has emotions. The whole of Hollywood Arts could've been fooled." She teases, trying to make him smile and feel better. He chuckles lightly and presses their lips together. The feeling is almost overwhelming. She feels each and every emotion Beck is feeling by the way he kisses her and she loves it.
"I love you, babe." Beck whispers in between kisses as he carefully brings his hands up to cup her face.
"You better." She laughs again and he knows she means she's glad that he loves her and that she loves him too and that's all he needs right now.